SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

You aren’t being unreasonable. You both work - the fact that yours is in the home doesn’t mean you do not work to provide for your family.

What is missing is the partnership and the relationship. If he’s out with mates every night at the pub then he’s basically just providing financial assistance.

i would recommend maybe getting some professional help to help you both articulate what’s being lost with his behaviour.

Hi OP,

I feel like I'm in a very similar position to you! I have a 5 month old, my DH earns similarly to yours and works long hours. I am also very wary of leaving DS with anyone else and he is not a great sleeper. YANBU at all. He is a parent alongside you and you are working 24 hours and need a break too. Could he possibly do some bath times to give you a break? Please do reach out if you want to talk!

I feel sorry for you OP, the first few months are such a wonderful time as a family and you are missing out! Money isn’t everything.

One thing to remember - your Dch won't be a baby for ever so this current situation will change, hopefully for the better. Some other points:
I think your DH has a point about not looking after the baby before work if it's making him late.
It sounds weird that he comes home at 7 or 8pm and you're already in bed.
Can you have a date night at home once a week? Dress up, have nice food, once the baby is in bed?
YANBU to not want to leave the baby yet.

We were like your dh before dc. On 250k+ working like crazy all the time & down the pub after work. Motherhood completely changed me. I do have to say, after work drinks is something the necessary evil to do networking &/ suck up to your boss, at least in our line of work. My dh never dealt with any night wakes/feeds until our 2nd dc almost 2. By then I basically couldn't cope after 4 years of awful sleep etc. He's still down the pub twice a week networking. I have no problem with that. I chose to be a mum otherwise I would still be down the pub every night. But if you can't cope with him not helping or not coming home early then you shouldn't let him get away with it. 2 things. Some jobs are very stressful. I completely understand that they have very little next to nothing to give after work. 250k is not that much if you live in a house in say central London. So something has got to give here.

*He's slaving for you and his kids

Lol he works. He'd be doing the same thing with or without a family so he's doing it for himself.

Sorry, but you are being totally selfish. You both have a role you are fulfilling. He is providing, big style I might say, and you are parenting. Very 1950s and good luck to you, but you complain when he goes to unwind from his heavy workload at the pub but expect him to babysit while you go to the gym! On top of that you can't even be bothered to wait up and spend a bit of time with him in the evening! Don't see this lasting if you don't change

If one is earning and the other is staying at home to look after the children, then the SAHP takes primary responsibility for the childcare. Also, you say you’re fed up of being expected to do everything for your DC, but also you’re the one who doesn’t feel ‘any need to be away from them.’ It sounds to me as though perhaps you want it both ways?

Just wanted to say you sound like a nice person and a good mum. Regardless of your husband's income it's so hard solo parenting, and at 5 months that's really young to introduce nursery or a childminder. I think a lot of these posts have sounded really harsh and I hope you ignore all the rude posts. I think men often struggle to bond with small babies, but as they grow into little people it becomes easier for dad to play with them / get to know them. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to spend some time with the baby, but give him some credit for that as its not easy for dads in the early days. My husband did not want to take the baby that young as she was ebf and he felt really sidelined by that. It sounds like your husband is trying to give you some you-time but it's hard for him as his job is so all encompassing, you said he was like this before the baby so it's not like anything has changed there. My advice would be give it time as baby is so young you're all getting used to your new way of life. Everything is so temporary with a little one. Things will feel differently in a few months. Good luck

Only read OPs posts, but I wonder if a compromise could be that one night a week you get a professional sitter and go out together, then the next day DH gets up with LO early doors to give you a break from the morning routine.

You both sound quite lonely with no time together in the evenings.

In your position OP, I'd be getting a nanny who can also do one night a week while you and DH have a night out, you can also build up to occasional weekends away and you going back to work if you want to when they're older. You could use the free time to go to the gym, study, something you're interested in while you're at home, nap etc while the nanny's there.

It's not like you can't afford to outsource so you're not so tired!

Your baby is 5 months old. You don't need to go to bed with them. Baby monitor? If they're not sleeping mostly through the night, get someone in to help you train them to.

Obviously sounds like your DH had checked out to an extent. Is that because you've never given him responsibilities and taken over everything? Not saying it's your fault at all. He doesn't sound great as a Dad, does he lack confidence, he hasn't really bonded has he?

I'd be leaving him with the baby on the weekends while going shopping or seeing friends for a few hours. No buts. Just walk out the door and say see you later. Let him have to deal with the baby on his own. Leave written instructions if you feel it's necessary.

You have resources that most mothers don't have. Use them, at least you will start feeling less like a drudge and less tired and if things don't improve with your DH, then you can consider your options.

I haven't read the full thread.

Rewind 28/9 years and I was able to be a SAHM. DH was a high earner. About £80k back then so probably equivalent.

I was so glad to have had the choice to give up work. I did everything at home and always have. DH was happy to pay for a cleaner, au-pair etc. DH was at times when the DC were small out of the house from before 7am until after 9pm.

I was perfectly content to be "Team Home". DH was working however rather than going to the pub.

It paid off OP. Beautiful home, best schools, home abroad, etc, etc. I went back to work for me when the youngest was settled at school.

Hi OP, I can't believe some of the responses here. Your baby is still tiny, there's no chance mine would have gone in a creche at that age although obviously all kids are different.

Your DH needs to be a parent. You've agreed to be a SAHP and that's tough. Of course, he can stay at home for a few hours every now and then to give you a break. I would assume on that salary he has some control and autonomy over his hours and his working world won't fall apart without him for a couple of hours.

Your bigger issue is that he doesn't want to parent and sees it as 100% your job.

I agree. I feel he should definitely be coming home earlier if it’s not work related but also OP should go to gym another time of the day when the baby is one or old enough to go to a crèche or get home or online PT sessions.

As we learnt during lockdown there are so many options for people to keep fit that don’t involve going to gym. It just seems bad timing to leave him with baby just before he goes out to work.

He’ll probably gradually start to associate bonding time with baby as stressful seen as the busy mornings before work period is mainly when he’s with baby. Do as he suggests and leave the baby with him sometimes on the weekend and go out for a walk.

And how much he is earning has nothing to do with it for me. The point is he’s the sole earner right now and working full-time hours. If he was on 25K my viewpoint would be the same.

@SAHMworry sorry but I'd say your aibu and id say your unthankful and unreasonable. You have one child and don't work so why are you in bed by the time he gets home from work ? But you expect him to get up early before he does a day's work so you can go to the gym. I think you are going to end up with serious problems in your relationship as its seriously one sided

She said he often goes to the pub from 6.30pm

True .
child centred marriage

5 months isn't too young. Back in ancient times I went back to work fulltime when my eldest was 5 months. I was lucky to get signed off sick after a c/section and ebf baby, otherwise it would have been much sooner. We got 18 weeks' maternity leave back then. I know self-employed friends who had to go back to work when the baby was 6 weeks old.

I'm sorry, you knew what you were getting into and you are happy to live off the fruits of your DH's 'labours'. You are very fortunate and very privileged. Maybe if looking after your baby is too much, you should hire a nanny? That would also free you up to spend time with your DH, to go to the gym and the nanny would be a familiar figure.

You are complaining in the face of single parents with shit unsupportive ex's and on the breadline. Read the room. Your financial position leaves you very well placed to hire help that would enable you to spend quality time with your DH. Just be aware that one of those nights in the pub he might meet someone else... Nothing ever comes without strings.

Oh bull crap!! She isn't lucky!

She has a dh who is never home, doesn't see their kid, doesn't get involved in the raising of their kid - not even even bath time or feeding - , probably doesn't do a lick of housework, would rather drink in the pub and/or stay late at work, and is trying to stop op from going to the gym twice a week, telling OP she's sefish!!

To top all that, he wants her to get a minder so they can spend more time together WITHOUT the baby (when? He's never there...)

OP he's the selfish one. He won't change either as you have mentioned it and it's been OK for a week, then falls back into his usual pattern. Each time you carve out time for yourself, and leave him with the baby he will start to moan and slowly you will start to give up your life until you have nothing left.

To those saying "he was like this before kids" ... not all arseholes show their true colours before kids. A lot of men are jealous of their kid's need for attention and turn into men like this, and worse.

Yanbu. He’s not parenting. When he’s at the pub I assume he’s drinking? Is he drunk driving?

Perhaps he doesn't come home straight from work at 6.30/7 as you are in bed for 7 so see no point in sitting downstairs alone when he could unwind in the pub. Perhaps meet in the middle and have an evening or two in the week where you are up still at 7 or once DC is in bed you come down and sit with DH. Money isn't everything and yes you are very lucky to be in a position where you can living comftable and be a stay at home mum. I see DH twice a week as he works evenings and I work days we work childcare between us. On those 2 nights a week I make myself sit downstairs for a while if I didn't we wouldn't get any is time. I understand where you are coming from regarding a babysitter we're 2.5yrs in and I've never had a night off or a night away from her I wouldn't feel comftable allowing a stranger to look after my child. Make some time for date night in the house

Your in your 20s with a 5 month old who sleeps for hours 8pm bed next feed 1am to 3am. Presume they nap during the day too so not sure why your so tired. Your dh looks after them so you can do the gym in morning so he does help. There are only so many hrs in the day and most high earners put a lot of hrs in for their pay.

Dear SAHM

You are not being unreasonable.
It is very normal and natural to feel the way you do.
Your precious baby is only 5 months!

As you know and stated - it is not necessarily true that your DH doesn't want to be a father. The reality is that bonds are created and nurtured ; they're not nearly as instinctive or natural as people like to think.
Especially if DH is the secondary caregiver.
Do heed the advice of letting DC and DH spend quality time together. For short periods, long enough for him to grasp what it entails and know baby but not so long that he's worn out.

You are in the financial position to have a nanny or minder. Find one that you like and recognise that it is important for the child too to be socialised and adjusted.

Close relationships require meaningful time together.
Men tend to envy their children even those that would never give indications of such. Your DH had you 100% himself and now he doesn't even get a date night / 10% of you.
This is not your fault because it's normal and natural (and evolutionary practical) for you to want to be by your infant but you must try and channel some quality time / affection to DH without any baby disruption.

A NYT article - Sociologists theorize that, in heterosexual relationships, mothers are more unhappy with their marriages after they have children because they tend to take on more “second shift” work — child care and housework — and begin to feel that their relationships are no longer fair.

Google it - you'll see.
New research has found a fifth of couples break up during the 12 months after welcoming their new arrival. Among the most common reasons for separating were dwindling sex lives, a lack of communication and constant arguments.
Relationships breakdown over time. This sounds like it's slowly breaking down.
Him - Overworking, excessive drinking, not considering you
You - not realising the importance of prioritising a partner ( even if baby being most important is the natural order of things)
I got a small sense that your partner might be neruodivergent. Just from a bit of the detail, but may not be the case.
Important for ye both to educate yourselves on your respective newfound parent positions and know that what ye both feel is normal and try work past it.
Plenty of good advice here and thats just in the first few pages I read. Wishing you every luck. X

I had the same life. His view was that he provides everything financially, so shouldn’t have much to do with the tedious part of life that is raising very small children. After years of being a bit disengaged, he needs to think carefully if someone asks what year the DCs are in and got one of their ages wrong when a guest asked at Christmas. I calmed down about it, it’s his loss that he isn’t more involved. I’ve always felt like a financially secure single mum, but I know I’m lucky to not have to worry about money.

WOW, I cannot believe so many women here are throwing OP under the bus. You all seriously need to examine your internalized misogyny.

Where does it say that just because a woman chooses to be a SAHM she has to 100% parent the child? Why should OP be a single mom when she is married? Why are people excusing neglectful, absentee father behavior?

Maybe if women stopped settling for these crumbs and peanuts that men try to get away with, we would have better quality men out there.

OP: It sounds like DC literally has no bond with DH and it comes across as DH using work as an excuse to hide from his parental responsibilities. The first conversation that needs to happen is getting DH to be a dad to DC, even if it means working less and budgeting more. Neglect can damage children as much as abuse; even if finances are tight, he needs to understand that parenting is essential and money alone does not raise a child.

Beyond that, DH sounds like he devalues your contribution just because your work is the home. You're both entitled to time to yourself and I hope for your sake that he comes to realize that or else I don't see how this is sustainable.