SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I can’t believe some of the responses on here!! YANBU!!!!
he should be happy for you to get some time to work out and spend some time with his child, even if it is rushed.
Im a SAHM, my DH is earning 500k and he can’t wait to get home to see the kids and makes sure he is back for bathtime most days. He also works his diary around for me to exercise with a PT so we don’t have to leave the children as they are very young. He also does the kids breakfasts on the weekends (and looks forward to doing this as he doesn’t have time in the week!) He sees my physical and mental health as very important is always encouraging me to see my trainer and go to exercise classes when I mention it.
your DH sounds very selfish and I don’t know why he doesn’t want to spend more time with his child as well as supporting you. You are absolutely not unreasonable. I think people here just see a big salary and then decide a SAHM should be treated like sh*t.
we are equal in house out of work hours and split all household chores and have a cleaner.
We have also never left our kids with a babysitter yet as no family nearby and I think they are too young, DH is fine with this as it makes me happy.

I can't believe all the amazingly high earning men there are on here- strikes me a lot of jobs seem vastly overpaid- !! My H works his balls off and very long days for £115k a year approx

First off, your baby is still tiny and changing rapidly, but you're heading to a point where you can have a fairly robust bedtime in place and start to get some time back for you now. IMO, it's time to start thinking about baby self settling rather than being laid with to go to sleep, but many will disagree with me there.

You need to be having conversations with your partner about how things are going to change because this current set up will probably end your marriage if it continues. Both of you need to be willing to make changes though but it will also take one of you to make the first move.

It sounds a bit like his drinking and going to the pub is a problem.

It's not unreasonable to want a bit of child free time once in a while to go to the gym.

If he wants to avoid mornings, he has to be around evenings.

Being the sole/higher earner isn't a free pass to do nothing.

I perhaps don't have the experiences to contribute (not a mother), but I was a child that absolutely loved my childminder. She had a lovely labrador (we had no pets) who was great fun, and other kids there to play with. I know your baby is young, but I'd say there's nothing wrong at all with in the near future finding a great childminder for even a few hours a week to offer you respite, if DH is unable to cut down on hours. I'd say with 250k a year you could afford someone lovely. I think being looked after by other people allows for more socialisation, and independence from relying on a sole caregiver - which is, in my opinion, unsustainable over the long term.

P.S. I am assuming that you both made the decision to have a child - he is equally responsible in helping you figure out what to do. Try to tell him how you feel without being accusatory or placing blame, and give him time to respond and register your emotions and needs. Best of luck 🤞🏼✨

I am shocked how often people think, daddy can do his job and have free time yet mum is 24/7 365 days and then say "you should think yourself lucky" WTAF?

I brought up my son alone and I LOVED having nobody to resent but I can still see that mum needs a break too fgs!

W0tnow · 17/03/2023 09:13
He is being unreasonable. You aren’t. You’ll get a bunch of people telling you to go to work, or get a cleaner, or that they’d love to be in your shoes. The fact is, you can do all of these things, but you’ll still have a disengaged father who is living the life of a single person with a full time cleaner. That is your problem. There is nothing to envy here.

I have no idea how you can change someone’s entire personality 🤷‍♀️. I’ve seen it before though. Man’s earning power increases to the 1%. Man considers himself God’s Gift and Very Important. Too important for the drudgery of family life. Too important for you or his child.

this. It starts to make you feel like a single parent but you can’t complain because aren’t you so lucky not to worry about money. Toxic to the relationship. Toxic to your self worth.

Yes personally it wasn’t for me… I had 3 DC’s pretty close together which resulted in quite a few years off work.
Whilst I love my DC dearly I also value having my own independence and career. And as someone that’s has also been faced with the worst case scenario - my DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I’m thankful every day that I held onto my career. I dread to think what would happen now had I chucked it all in to be a SAHM.

Then I'm not really sure what your question is?

My goodness you don't know you are born......Children grown up but I worked full time and husband did loads of operational tours while in the army . Afghan several times, balkans etc etc. that meant I had a baby and later a baby and a small child with husband away and full time work.

You need to get a grip. I am afraid women like you give women a bad name. Your husband has his faults but he is working long hours in a stressful job while you have one baby. To expect him to look after the child while trying to get ready for work (yet you have plenty of money and plenty of time) is completely unreasonable. Go to the gym at another time.

You really need to get a sense of perspective or you are heading for divorce. Get back to some kind of work outside the home, even a few hours a week.

I can see why maybe he doesnt want to come home - sounds like he's dammed if he does and dammed if he doesnt.

This is such an abhorrent comment. Being more or less a single mother to a baby is in fact a full time job so implying that she’s some kind of sponge is bang out of order. DH earns enough for both so there is no need for her to work, which would mean outsourcing the care of DC… for what purpose exactly? To ‘prove’ to internet strangers that she’s not really a moocher? What a mindset. Yuck.

…never mind that DH has CHOSEN to work these hours and be that absent. There’s no indication that he’s been forced into it by her extravagant demands.

I guess you don't understand the figure of speech in the sentence then... my response was to OP's strange priorities and me pointing out the issues with that, at no point did I justify him going to the pub, hence why I said that changes need to be made.

So many witless comments here. This man is not working away or in the army. He's at the pub or the gym. Totally different situation. Yes, the OP could cope completely alone as a parent (most of us could) but why on earth should she have to?

And regardless of one's views on SAHMs generally, there aren't many mothers of 5 month old babies who are back at work in this country unless the father is taking extended paternity leave. I know of a few mums who went back at 6 months but that was because the dad was then taking 3 months to bond with the baby.

This!!

Woah, wait a second let me stop you there, she SHOULD be super grateful in that aspect, anything less for a man that gives most of his time to provide for his family is misandrist, the same way him not being grateful for everything she does in that house would be terrible, yet, that is absolutely a non issue because that is not what the OP is talking about and neither was I. Either way, I never said it was justified or a good thing for him to "optout" of family life, infact, that is clearly a problem and why I said that there are things that need to change if you read my comment, it's silly I even have to explain this, but no harm done.

OP, it will ease up-the first few months are intense!

it sounds like the two of you just need to compromise. Each write down your absolute core needs/non-negotiables, then write down the things you can be more flexible with. Discuss them and explain why each thing is important. Then see if you can work out a compromise.

You’re both thinking too much about your own needs and not enough about what will work best for your marriage.

If he’s earning so well, maybe it’s time to work on getting more comfortable with leaving your DC with a babysitter for an hour or two so you can go and do classes during the day. There are lots of creative solutions the two of you could come up with if you were communicating with the intention of understanding one another and trying to make sure everyone’s core needs are met.

I don’t know if you are being unreasonable or not. As others have commented you both need to consider what works best as a family.
My input is that I’ve been a SAHM, a working mum and a single mum (all children grown now) and being a SAHM, even with ‘all’ the responsibility, is a lot easier than doing everything entirely alone and having to bring home the (lean) bacon too.
That could be something you are looking at if you can’t reach a happy compromise.

It’s called being a Mum. He’s working and so are you.

I think you're unhappy not because of the workload issues--who watches the child when, etc. I think you're unhappy because you don't feel connected to your husband. It doesn't sound like you spend any time at all together. When you're disconnected, resentment comes so much easier.

If you two made time for each other like I'm assuming you did before DC, he would be much less likely to resent your gym mornings, and you would be less likely to resent his pub evenings. You have the financial means to do this, when it's simply not an option for so many.

Prioritize your relationship. As soon as baby is old enough, get away together for a few days. You'll both be kinder to each other, do more to help each other out, and generally be happier.

What’s the point in having all that money really? Your DH is working long hours, and doesn’t really get to see you nor baby.

You both need to prioritise each other and be a bit more flexible. Assuming you have your house paid off on that wage, could DH not take a step down and work less? It’s such a shame that you’re both not getting what you need.

I can understand why you’re both upset. DH could also be down at the pub due to work stress. Perhaps let him know you’ll be supportive of him if he takes a pay cut and works less.

best of luck

I don't understand why men don't understand that all we want is for them to make tons of money, fund our entire lives so we never have to think about money, do it without complaint, but also not work a lot and be home all the time to take care of the kids with us. Is that really so much to ask?

I wonder how quickly you would file for divorce if something happened and he started making less than 250k a year. Yeah yeah, I am sure you will SAY that it doesn't matter, but I would bet everything I have that it does. He is providing for the family and providing what less than 1% of the men on the planet are providing. You are lucky. But you just want to complain that he STILL isn't doing enough. I think you need to rethink your priorities here. You agreed to be a SAHM, and admitted to WANTING to be one, but are now complaining about being one. It's pretty ridiculous. You have a life most women would kill for. Don't ruin it by seeking affection elsewhere.

Yanbu. It sounds lonely. You need to have a serious talk about what you want your family life to look like. Good luck!