SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

I really don't think it's fair to berate someone for not using paid childcare at 5 months. I wouldn't have. We used family until DS went to nursery at 11 months and OP doesn't have that option.

Not seeing your baby from Monday to Friday sounds rather depressing too. Why have a baby if you don’t want to spend any time with them?
I guess I’m ‘lucky’… my high earning DH actually liked spending time with the baby he chose to have.

What is your solution though OP, what do you want? Agree that going to the pub regularly isn't fair/ideal. Assuming his work hours are pretty set, aside from that surely there's compromises both sides to be made?

In this situation, I would get a job and arrange childcare, and then the times he's saying he has to work so much because he's the only earner are out of the window.

Your life sounds very restricted by the choices you are making around your child. Eg, going to bed when they do, not ever having a night out. If I knew my DH was gonna be in bed by 7:30pm to be honest I wouldn't come rushing home either! Rushing home to see them for 10 mins and then they are asleep.

Maybe changes would be good on both sides.

Also, the working hours are long but not unusual. Plenty of people work those hours, but for minimum wage and not £250k. OPs partner is nothing special. He just thinks he is.

I think you are both being a little unreasonable.

The baby is very young though so the fact that you don't want to leave him is not entirely unreasonable although I would strongly encourage you to make more of an effort - find a local nanny who is willing to babysit for you at home for a few hours or something.

He also needs to be making more effort to get home on time and personally, I'd say if you want to go to the gym, a better option is for him to be home on time on those days and bath and put the baby to bed while you're t the gym - which also give him and the baby a chance to bond.

OP our children are two and four and I've never had a babysitter either. I totally understand where you're coming from. We have "date night" on Saturday, which involves having pizza and wine and watching box sets together. Too knackered to do anything else!

You are totally reasonable to ask him to mind HIS child before work a couple of times a week so you can exercise. It's so important for your mental health.

Being a sahm doesn't mean being on call 24-7. Damn right he shouldn't be going to the pub and leaving you to do everything!!
Yes, he obviously works hard but so do you - and you're saving the family thousands in childcare fees.

I am actually going back to work after Easter. I'll be going full time in September because both kids will be full time in Reception and pre-school. My advice would be to enjoy this lovely time, absolutely demand and expect more help and support and try to keep your skills current. When mine were tiny I couldn't imagine wanting to go back to work. Now I can't wait! This might not be your experience of course, but it's worth considering.

Honestly I can see from his perspective that he has basically lost his wife since the baby came. You’re in bed by 7:30 every night, that’s not usually the way it is after the newborn days. No time together as a couple even the odd meal out and baby still in your room. I think you should consider changing things a bit to make some space for your marriage. By all means put the baby front and centre and above all else if you want to but do it with your eyes open about what it means for your marriage. (Of course everyone puts their babies first but you know what I mean, just recognise that other things matter too!)

Hi OP
You both have busy, full time jobs...you as a mum and DH in his paid employment but I would seriously consider the point he makes about making time for you as a couple.

If there's an option for babysitters etc so you can go out and be 'us' then you absolutely should do that. Lots of relationships can crack under the strain of everything in these early years being solely about the DC and it's really important that as you're financially able you don't lose 'you' or 'us' in the process.

I would get a few hours of childminder/nursery care a week and do your PT sessions then and then be intentional about carving out time together as a couple. So many don't have this luxury and if you do, grab it with both hands. It will probably save your sanity and possibly your marriage too.

There are a few things tied up in this I think. Does your DH have any incentive to come home earlier if you’re going to bed at the same time as your DC? I can see why he’d be more inclined to stay out if he’s going to be sat on his own all evening. You are not selfish for attending the gym or PT sessions, that said, if DH has suggested getting a babysitter to facilitate this or to facilitate time for the both of you why don’t you take him up on it?
By anyones standards, he is working long hours. Presumably you knew this when deciding to have children together. What discussions were had around this prior to DC being born?

These replies are insane.
This baby is 5 months. Tiny.
Op is doing everything for the baby and goes to bed early..presumably because they wake or op is bloody tired.

Her husband does zero parenting and drinks/gym rather than coming home and the replies are... oh I'd be at the pub every night as well how boring you are op.

Baffling.
It's because he earns so much that people are being such twats

DH would always try and get home for DS’s bath time as that was his bonding time with DS when I was on maternity leave.

Not everyone is happy to leave a 5 month old with a sitter (especially non family) But should be fine leaving them with their dad

Sounds like OP’s partner doesn’t have the hours that ‘big jobs’ usually entail if he has time to go the pub or gym in the evenings. Tell him you want to go to the gym one evening so he won’t have time to go to the pub. He can then do the bedtime routine (unless you are BF)

Op you’re not lucky and I’m on Mat leave with a young baby so can relate - you didn’t ask to be a single parent

however:

• as soon as baby gets to six months you can put them in own room and then I suggest you stay downstairs with your husband like a normal grown up. Your DH misses you
• go to a gym with a crèche or hire a nanny housekeeper, mothers help or a nanny for a few hours to exercise. You can exercise at home worst case if you don’t feel comfortable doing it in a gym. But the crèche is a really good option for that reason
• I do think you are both being selfish in your own way - he needs to come home more (but presumably doesn’t see you when he does so is bored) and you can’t keep making him late for work. Yes you can easily get ready with baby - but he is obviously finding it tricky.
• because of your money you can def afford some help at least from when baby is 6 months old - so you should take up that offer

There need to be some changes on both sides. You need to go out without baby once a week and leave dC with his dad. Go to the gym, for a walk and catch up with friends. DH needs time alone with baby.

Id also suggest introducing a date night once a week. You don’t necessarily have to go out but take turns at planning a nice evening together.

Tell your DH that you’ll put DC in the gym crèche once he is old enough.
And think about returning to work, at least part time when your mat leave is over. You need more going on in your life than just caring for DC, adorable and time consuming though he might be. Do stuff for you as well

How old is the child? There’s a big difference between a 3 month old and a nearly one year old.

The fact that your partner earns so much does not relinquish him of his parental duties. Although I imagine he is probably in a job where his underlings do everything for him and it sounds like he is resistant to switch into dad/partner mode where he has to get his own hands dirty. He really doesn’t even work such long hours (as might be expected by someone on that salary) if he’s home by 7pm (or down the pub at that time) more than once a week. It sounds more as if he just doesn’t want to spend time with the baby, for whatever reason. As other posters have said (and from my own experience) if the father wants to spend time with their child, they will. Take a few hours out between 6pm-8pm and then continue working once the baby is in bed being the obvious answer. He’s choosing to go to the pub..

That said, he does earn enough that you should outsource things to make both your lives easier rather than you asking him to have the baby before work so you can go to the gym at that time. It does sound a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Join a gym with a proper crèche. Get a cleaner. Then you can both enjoy the time you have outside of his working hours.

You are being unreasonable in making the baby your sole responsibility and not giving your husband the opportunity to bond with his child. There is clearly plenty of money so you could find a very part time nanny to cover a couple of two hour sessions a week. It would mean you could go for a swim or a run which will help you feel better.
My DIL works for an American company ( short mat leave). She goes away regularly for a week at a time. The first time was when their youngest was sixth months old. She misses the children so much but she says it was so good for the children to see their father as an equal parent. It is very easy for some mothers to insist on being the primary parent and to cut out the father. This is so bad and unhealthy for the family.
Stop sulking and being cold and embrace the opportunity to leave your child regularly with their Dad so they learn to see him as a parent and he learns to bond with and love them

Really? He doesn’t know how to look after his child and goes to the pub after work instead of trying to get home before the child is in bed. Lucky? It sounds shit.

Your DH has offered to look after your baby so you can go out socially and he's offered to get you a babysitter so the two of you can have quality time, is that right?

Honestly it sounds as though he is trying. You seem hung up on his not being happy to do childcare at 6:30am while trying to get ready for work - but honestly who would be? In his level of work there's a lot of mental prep and planning that goes into his day so I imagine trying to do that while wrangling a baby would be awkward. Equally after a 12 hour working day I don't think it's unreasonable to go for a drink after work now and then - especially as he's encouraged you to take time out too.

This exactl, there is a difference in ensuring a baby is safe, cared for and loved and every single thought, feeling and action is 100% baby

Normal life can carry on, one is reasonable one is obsession

Honestly I think you're both in the wrong. He is in the wrong for disappearing all the time (after work and at weekends, not during the working day), and you are in the wrong for going to bed at 8 every day. I can see doing that if you had had a particularly bad night, but not every single day. DC don't need to be in their own room yet, but they also don't need to have you next to them all the time. With the gym, I don't think he ought to complain about, shock horror, having to look after his own child while you go to the gym. How hard is it to get ready with a non-mobile baby in the house? The worst I can think of is that the baby pukes on his clean shirt and he has to get changed. Big deal, and that's not going to happen every time.

I suppose my ideal situation would be DH being home before 7pm, us spending an hour together as a family, putting DC to bed and then coming back downstairs for an hour or two. And resigning to the fact that our old evening meals out at the weekends now have to be lunches out with DC coming along with us.

I do intend to start using the baby monitor soon. I guess I just feel resentful that DH doesn’t make the effort to be home at a reasonable time so I just continue with the routine of laying with DC once they’re asleep in the evening.

I think you saying your baby was under 1 gave the wrong idea.
At 5 months you are still getting over the birth, dealing with bf and sleepless nights. And yes, baby should not be in their own room until at least 6 months.
Your DH is being selfish leaving you to deal with it all
If you want to go to the gym, I would go in the evening or weekend though - leaving for work is always arush even if you think you've prepared.

Women can work for other reasons than money. I did have to work for financial reasons, but I would have done so anyway. No way am I being financially dependent on some man. I’m just not wired that way.

and if your husband doesn’t like it he can become a SAHD or go part time. Bet he won’t though.

@QuizzlyBear

'Your DH has offered to look after your baby so you can go out socially and he's offered to get you a babysitter'

Ummm.

Read that back and see if you can figure out where you went wrong.

He's not a lodger doing the op a favour

I wouldn’t like that either @SAHMworry.

I would want a DH who was interested in having a relationship with me.

I would want a DH who doesn’t drink every evening.

I would want a DH who was actively interested in the child he brought into the world with me.

These are not unrealistic or unreasonable expectations.

I have a very good friend who is on similar money to your DH but so is her husband. You don’t get that kind of money without serious commitment to your job and in their case seriously niche expertise. I’m wondering based on some of the replies on here which one of them people believe should not bother a jot with their children? In fact they both are incredibly involved and incredibly engaged but obviously given their set up they have to hire in help too but they genuinely are both involved.

Another friend who earns about the same as your DH as well has a SAHD husband and she is a very involved parent too.

There are more things to life than workaholism, not taking an active interest in parenting your child, excess drinking, money and not taking an interest in your partner. I think your DH either needs to learn that or you need to seriously consider this relationship. It would not fulfill my needs either.