are we all just wank material?

[piqueen]

I've been speaking to a few different people online in a group for my hobby.
The women are all normal, the men have mostly been normal. (age from 20-50)
I've been speaking to 3 men, very polite. Everything on topic. As soon as the sun goes down, all 3 become rude, sexual innuendos and asking if I'm alone in bed.
Why?!
It is so boring and predictable and now I feel like leaving the group because its so fucking insulting.

This is a group where people can message privately only, and I get mostly messages from men, there are maybe 10x the amount of men on here than women. Now I'm wondering if they all come on just to talk dirty to women.

If you feel this way would you be upset at having sons? After all no matter how much you may love them they must again be pervs and potential rapists.

Ugh. We need to put men in rice.

Rice?

Christ ive led a quiet life. Most of the men i know or have known arent arseholes. I cant come on mn and ridicule all men and make smart arsed comments about then, like im a world authority because ive let most of them treat me like shite and now im bitter about them all.

You sound like a catch.

It's not women's job to fix broken men.

This simply isn’t true and also isn’t helpful. The idea that all men would do this sort of thing just legitimises the men who do it. We’d do better to emphasise that this behaviour really isn’t normal or acceptable. Also just wtf? Harassing women in an online group isn’t living the dream or something all men want to to do- it’s proper basement-dwelling behaviour.

I know women saying that all men do this think they’re fighting the feminist cause but I think the opposite is the case. If you want the men who do this stuff to stop, they need to understand that they are outliers, not the norm.

For a long time in the 90s there was a club night (actually a Sunday morning) in Kings Cross called "the Church" which was a fairly raucous and bawdy event. Absolutely heaving with Antipodean expats and British uniformed services letting loose after working the previous Fri and Sat nights. A tradition at closing time was women would get on the stage and take their tops off to loud applause. I was always quite surprised how many did. I've since been to two weddings where the bride and groom met at these events, and in both cases the bride had her tits out the first time the groom, and all his mates, and about 500 other people, laid eyes on her. Funnily enough, that didn't get mentioned at either of the weddings. But it happened quite routinely. Every single week for at least a decade. And it was entirely voluntary. Plenty of women didn't, of course - NAWALT right? - but I never sensed that anyone was being coerced into behaving that way. The ones that did it seemed to enjoy the attention. There must have been some reason for it - would love to hear from the PPs what they think it was. "Nurses are all sluts", perhaps? Or they'd all internalised their misogyny and misguidedly thought this was the best route to finding a Kiwi rugby playing husband? I mean, it can't have been as simple as "some women use their sexuality to encourage interest from, and competition between, men and willingly offer their (ahem) virtue as the prize in this evolutionary contest?" I mean, that would mean acknowledging their agency, but also their complicity in these disgusting patriarchal practices, right? Ahhh ... that must be why judging other women (sad little pickmes, wasn't it?) is always a corollary of judging all men. Does makes it rather lonely on that moral high ground though ...

@butterfliedtwo 'we' as a society but I do agree with your point. Men need to put themselves/each other in rice.

At college someone started an online peer-to-peer mental health support group because of something awful that happened to a classmate. Within weeks all of us women had left, because the men were either trying to use our mental health issues to manipulate us into sex, or the inverse, they somehow believed that because they had mental health issues it was our duty as women to make them feel better - with sex.

Yep. My male married friend texts me sometimes. I know the lead up questions to his wank - are you still going to yoga, have you had a shower, what are you wearing, are you dating (wants to know if I’ve fucked anyone, basically). Saying that, I became an OLD’s message buddy for 4 years and he very rarely used sexualised questions or convos - quite a gentleman and I really appreciated that about him. Whatever his weird issues for not meeting up were, I felt he respected me a lot. Very rare.

@Shitfather
why would you entertain your married friend sending you messages like that?
why would you want a friend who thought that was ok?

Most men I know are nothing like this and are feminists.
I think online activities and other hobby groups attract sexually messed up weirdos though. I remember going to an adult ed class where a man followed me about commenting on my food choices in a leering manner and I was threatened by a man on a therapy course of all things.

Most men are not, unfortunately, feminists!

Yes!
I sometimes play online pool & there's a chat box.
1st message, 'what r u wearing?'
urgh

There seems to be a bit of a theme here, if anyone messages me on the forum I use in future I'll be more careful 🤣

@Shitfather also can't understand the situation between you and your married male friend?

I had the same problem with Yahtzee with Buddies. Improved greatly when I replaced my profile picture with one of my cat.....

Blanket attributions of negative stereotypes are destructive. Substitute “men” and the behaviour here to something else stereotypical and you get some very unpleasant statements.

It's utterly bizarre. I moved house to a completely new area in February of 2020. Obviously, lockdown happened very soon afterwards.
I joined a local FB group - mainly to help get some shopping in for elderly/vulnerable neighbours, but also to try to integrate into the local community.

Within a week of joining the FB "Covid Response" group, I'd been teamed up with an elderly couple in my street. Initially, I couldn't quite understand the system of how it all worked, so I asked a question on the group.

Sickeningly, I got a DM from the moderator that night..... asking if I needed my bottom smacked???
I'd only asked a sensible question about how to get the shopping list, and how payment got made. I didn't respond to him, and hastily left the group.

@Mark19735 thanks for your long, weirdly specific rant. It was very informative, in that the fact that you can't distinguish between a woman choosing to take her top off and a man making an unsolicited comment about a fully clothed woman's breasts tells me exactly why I'm not debating this with you.

I simply can’t imagine why no women want to be your friend.

@Mark19735 well, if you don't see women as people I'm not sure what you're doing here

Years ago for a university project, my group put together some social media profiles. One we used a photo of one of the women in the group, the other a photo of one of the men, and the other we put a photo of a cat. We didn’t link the accounts, posted the exact same content. We have Jo, Joe and Joey the cat.

The female profile received 6 times as much profile views as the male. The cat received the least.
The female account revived the most direct messages, often unsolicited. The male profile the next amount, but it was a fifth of the amount our female profile got.

It wasn’t long before creeps crawled out the wood work. 10 o clocK is 10 o cock is absolutely true. Men direct messaging with compliments and soon trying to make a saving for their wank bank. When it was clear we were interested, the insults came out. Bitch, slut etc.
No one tried to make wank bank savings to our male or cat profile.
So, not all men, but it is all men. Wish I still had the results of our findings.
if you’re reading this and are a journalist, set up this experiment, it won’t be long before a creeper reveals himself.

All men are like something. Same as all women are. However, among many female friends, family and acquaintances I have never seen the same ego, misogyny, expectations, tactlessness, sexism, poor me ism, as I have among similar male counterparts. I actually now think all men are wankers to greater and lesser degrees