are we all just wank material?

[piqueen]

I've been speaking to a few different people online in a group for my hobby.
The women are all normal, the men have mostly been normal. (age from 20-50)
I've been speaking to 3 men, very polite. Everything on topic. As soon as the sun goes down, all 3 become rude, sexual innuendos and asking if I'm alone in bed.
Why?!
It is so boring and predictable and now I feel like leaving the group because its so fucking insulting.

This is a group where people can message privately only, and I get mostly messages from men, there are maybe 10x the amount of men on here than women. Now I'm wondering if they all come on just to talk dirty to women.

I agree that most men are like this. I'm single, not interested in being someone's "fix" whether it be sexual banter or otherwise. Unfortunately being single makes some women that are part of a couple think you're some sort of sex pest lusting after their partners like you're some preying mantis. It's pathetic as I'm single through choice not because I'm going to pounce on the next available man.

I’ve genuinely never found this. I’m not doubting your experience for a moment, but I have close male friends I’ve known for decades, and there’s never been an issue.

OP, is this an online-only writing group? Something that meets in person might be better — not just sleazebags hiding behind keyboard anonymity. Or something that involves payment, like Jericho Writers, which will be more likely to weed out those who aren’t serious writers?

Ugh, this reminds me of when I first started to go clubbing as a teenager. I adore dancing, just wanted to dance, but apparently being on a dancefloor means any strange man can grope you.

I think the problem with saying AMALT is that it lets men of the hook. It implies there is some innate, inescapable trait that all men share that's located on the Y chromosome.
No. Men choose to be like this and are enabled by society, but it isn't inevitable and we have decent men as proof of this. Of course the decent men may have other flaws (being human and all) but they're not abusive bastards who only see women as potential sexual conquests.

As for OP's problem I like the idea of publicly shaming and mocking these creeps.

A lot of men are just that starved of sex they'll come on to anyone. Many are just sleazy anyway.

Same here, I also work in hospitality, it's literally my job to be nice to people, but many men have decided me being pleasant and courteous is actually a come on 🙄 and some women (when working in close community pubs etc) who were uncomfortable with me being around their husbands - tbf they had a point because several did try it on, more than once, and were not amused at being knocked back, I assume it's easier for the women to blame me than the man, they don't have an emotional attachment to me, that and because I'm single I obviously will just fall into bed with any man who shows an interest , double 🙄.

100% agree. God forbid you're polite and smile, that's like a green light! I work with the public too but in the veterinary sector so I feel your pain. Give me animals any day they don't care what you look like as long as you give good chin rubs and treats!

Are you a man? If no and you have a good one, how is that helpful here? If yes, or even no, do you accept that by saying NAMALT you are basically minimising and defending the bad ones?

^ Bingo! Only a matter of time ... yawn.

I love it when the anti- NAMALT brigades hijack these threads.

How about trying the shoe on the other foot? You want to know why men behave this way? Because many women tolerate it. Because many women condone it. Because many women even encourage it. NAWALT? Enough of them are. This 'society' which enables this behaviour by men comprises more adult women than adult men. Generalising about 'all men' whilst ignoring the environment in which those men exist is short-sighted, at best. The reason men behave this way is because it succeeds often enough to be worthwhile, and because it costs nothing when it fails.

It's also the reality that for men to get women/sex they have to pursue them which naturally leads to a lot of unwanted attention.

It's a different dynamic as women don't need to pursue men as men pursue them. There's a lot of desperate men out there.

If men don't purse women then generally speaking they'll never meet anyone.

You only need to look at the fact that not one single woman you tell about this is even slightly doubtful or surprised in order to know that TOO MANY men are like that. The odd one here or there that isn't would also not be surprised by this story - they know its not uncommon.

NAMALT is such a weird viewpoint - not every mushroom is poisonous but you certainly don't get told to go wandering in the woods eating them randomly.

AMALT if they think they can get away with it.

So women are just something to shag, and as you currently have one to shag at home all other women are irrelevant? Nice way to dehumanise half of the population.

I've asked out way more men than have asked me for all of my life. Somehow I still manage to not aggressively text them unwanted sexual content.
They don't HAVE to do this, they CHOOSE to.

Because society decrees that it's up to men to ask women out and pursue them.

Maybe if you were a bit more abject and cringed in deference a bit harder, they might stop doing this and see women as proper equals.

Hasn't worked yet, but god loves a trier.

I had a similar experience with a group recently. It definitely wasn't a dating site! The first started talking about sex in general. I'm not a prude but he asked me what I thought about a sexual position and I lost my temper and called him a thick twat and blocked him.

Second was on about marriage and kids - we hadn't even met. Blocked him too.

It's a shame this can happen OP but don't stop using the group if you enjoy it. I haven't! Just a bit more wary about switching over to WhatsApp now.

Of course they shouldn't do it, it's pathetic, but that's where it comes from. Most men very rarely, if ever, get asked out or pursued.

Know plenty of lovely men but also saw something recently where men were saying a criteria for anything would be “can I have sex with it”? and suddenly a lot of things became a lot clearer…

I think a significant amount of men lack emotional maturation milestones in childhood. Crap dads/low-quality male role-models a lot of the time. I genuinely think football culture fucks up a lot of men too. So you end up with these id-driven, emotional toddler-tier adults who don’t know themselves at all, and spin out when life doesn’t go 100% perfectly.

@User135644 off topic somewhat, but I don’t think it’s just “society” that encourages men to pursue women it’s also biological. As we can get pregnant from sex women have evolved to be a lot chosier, because of course our investment is huge and even our survival could be at stake once pregnant or with a dependent baby or small child (in the not too distant past).

There is an adage “Men have sex with whoever will let them and women choose who they have sex with” which still seems to be mostly true - although I am sure will be massively controversial on here.

Of course contraception and easily available abortion may have changed behavior somewhat, but biology and evolution doesn’t adapt that quickly.

The reason men behave this way is because it succeeds often enough to be worthwhile, and because it costs nothing when it fails.

I really disagree with this. At least some (and I think the vast majority) of this is motivated by actively enjoying making women uncomfortable - the 'failure' is the point. I don't think that the success rate of random sexual innuendoes, or dick pics, or anything else that feels more like harassment than any kind of genuine approach is 'worthwhile'. I don't hear many wedding speeches including 'it all began when I said 'nice tits' to her in a post she made about her hobby on Facebook'.

Maybe you surround yourself with disgusting men, I certainly don't.