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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
WigglyWigglyWiggly · 16/03/2023 14:14

You definitely should have told him. His child is going to become a sibling, that’s a hugely impactful change for any child and is something a parent should be informed of. Any decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent should make the parent aware of things that impact their child. I think you should’ve told him before posting on social media, and even if you desperately needed to post publicly before telling him, I think you should have raised it with him to discuss rather than him having to come to you.

Reugny · 16/03/2023 14:14

Ignore him until you are well over 20 weeks.

Your pregnancy and your current partner are none of his business.

Then once you have your baby keep the child away from him. He has no rights to see or even talk about a child that he is not the parent off.

Oh and in future don't air the life of your children on social media. It can easily be misused.

TidyDancer · 16/03/2023 14:17

It sounds like he wanted to be made aware before it went on social media, rather than before you told those close to you. Is that not correct?

I'm actually not sure how I feel about this one tbh. If you have a generally good relationship with your ex then it probably is a good thing for you to have some communication over this as obviously it will affect your shared DC. For him to describe it as disrespectful isn't really fair (and makes me think his motivation isn't quite fully your DC's welfare), but I think going forward he's not really wrong.

Chickenly · 16/03/2023 14:18

It’s about the fact you know of a change that is going to affect his child in a very major way and didn’t think to mention it to him. It’s not about his view on your relationship or his view on your pregnancy or (obviously 🙄) him thinking he should have visitation with the baby (why would anyone think that’s what he’s saying?!). If you were moving house, deciding your child is now vegan, changing schools, etc then you should inform the other parent because it impacts your joint child and, whilst they have no right to change your decision to have a baby or have an opinion on that, they do have the right to know enough to support your joint child through a substantial change. It’s because it’s what best for your child, not because it’s what’s best for you or him.

Bunnyishotandcross · 16/03/2023 14:19

Why is it always suggested existing dc will be negatively affected by a new sibling?
What didn't he say he has congratulated dc on becoming a big db?

NoHeavenNoMore · 16/03/2023 14:20

Congratulations!
I think you should have told him yourself, definitely before it was posted online. You share a child and, while you're not in a relationship with that person anymore, you are impacting the life of their child who will be affected by your news. The father deserved a heads up.
I think his text was very rationally written and thought out too. He doesn't want to cause any drama with you. To me it's apparent that he just wants to put his child and the child's feelings first

Jayneisagirlsname · 16/03/2023 14:20

I'm with him. He should've been told before the social media post so he was ready to support his DC. Good for him for thinking of his DC.

BellaJuno · 16/03/2023 14:20

WigglyWigglyWiggly · 16/03/2023 14:14

You definitely should have told him. His child is going to become a sibling, that’s a hugely impactful change for any child and is something a parent should be informed of. Any decent, collaborative and supportive co-parent should make the parent aware of things that impact their child. I think you should’ve told him before posting on social media, and even if you desperately needed to post publicly before telling him, I think you should have raised it with him to discuss rather than him having to come to you.

I agree with this, his interest lies in how it may impact the child you have together. Fine not to tell him until you’d told your DC but then a quick heads up that you’d told your DC would have been logical, in case they raised any issues/concerns etc with him about the news. And definitely before you put it on social media.

WigglyWigglyWiggly · 16/03/2023 14:21

Bunnyishotandcross · 16/03/2023 14:19

Why is it always suggested existing dc will be negatively affected by a new sibling?
What didn't he say he has congratulated dc on becoming a big db?

Who said that it’s negative? It’s a change - all children need support with change so it doesn’t become a negative change. Many children struggle with new siblings, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad change, just that those children need support. He should have been told.

DinnerThyme · 16/03/2023 14:21

What would’ve been beneficial to your DC? Telling him. Therefore, he’s right. You should’ve told him.

BellaJuno · 16/03/2023 14:23

Bunnyishotandcross · 16/03/2023 14:19

Why is it always suggested existing dc will be negatively affected by a new sibling?
What didn't he say he has congratulated dc on becoming a big db?

No-one has suggested that it’s always negative but it can be unsettling. My nephew was thrilled when his dad announced he was having another baby with his new partner but still had a wobble when he started to think through what may or may not change in future.

tealandteal · 16/03/2023 14:23

I think you should have told him, after close family, but before social media. It’s a big thing for your existing child, with big emotions, especially if the new baby is with you 100 % of the time and they are not.

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2023 14:24

It's a very calm message IMO.

He just wanted a heads up.

His child might feel unsettled, pushed out, excited, apprehensive, and he's trying to support that.

Happens even in happy families. My sister called me sobbing about things her elder child said about the new baby - and he loves his little brother!

Be a grown up and communicate with your child's father proactively.

Snowontheblow · 16/03/2023 14:24

I agree with him, if the shoe was on the other foot you would like to have been told.

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 14:24

I also think you should have told him before he had to read it on social media. It just would have been the adult thing to do. You know the child you already have would more than likely want to discuss it with daddy and instead he’s been blindsided. He’s gone off the deep end though.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/03/2023 14:24

You should have told him before it went on social media

That message is very fairly written

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 16/03/2023 14:24

He's very much right.

PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 16/03/2023 14:24

I agrée with him and I think his message was reasonable. It's a huge change for his child and he should've been told before social media. It's obviously reasonable to share the news with those you're closest to first but social media before the father of your child...? Really? Would you have been okay finding out like that if roles were reversed?

BlackBarbies · 16/03/2023 14:25

He’s not wrong, YABU. Why couldn’t you tell him yourself instead of him finding out on social media? You could have posted on social media and said, ‘Ex, now that the news is out, I’d just like to let you know xyz.’

I’m sure if it was the other way round, you’d be frustrated that he didn’t tell you and you found out via the internet

OoooohMatron · 16/03/2023 14:25

I think he's right to be honest

Bluesgotaclue · 16/03/2023 14:25

Yer, I'm with your ex-DP on this one. Sorry

Eeaieeaioh · 16/03/2023 14:25

What does he actually want to discuss with you? That would worry me. He doesn’t get a vote in anything to do with your shared child’s half sibling or how your home runs. Is he going to tell you he wants to increase contact time in his favour or something?
Having a new sibling will obviously impact your eldest (not necessarily negatively!) and he did need to know. But he’s got six months heads up, do he’s just pissed off you didn’t send him a personalized message about it.

Sqqueeeeeeee · 16/03/2023 14:25

Congratulations but yes, YABU. If I were you, I’d message apologising and say you just got caught up in the excitement of the announcement. Then have a discussion about it rationally. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

ScottBakula · 16/03/2023 14:25

I also think you should of told him face to face , he may not be a big part of your life anymore but ( hopefully) is still a big part of his DCs life and it will impact the child , not necessarily in a bad way but it will mean changes .
His text is thoughtout and wrote well, it looks like he really cares

MiddleParking · 16/03/2023 14:26

I’d be absolutely amazed if this wasn’t a reverse.