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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 15:15

It's difficult to condense a decades worth of relationship and co-parenting into a MN post, and I am not wanting or meaning to drip feed. I have him on social media (restricting and selecting what he can see), so I am able to access his social media and see what he is posting about our DC. In the past there have been troubling posts. When I've deleted or blocked him, he has noticed and done the same back to me (alongside sending huge messages, like the above one).

The message isn't sent from a father who is actively involved in their DCs life. It's sent from someone who frequently has issues with me (often times, non-issues) and relishes in feeling sanctimonious and getting one over on me. He doesn't talk to me, except on his contact weekends. He has never collected DC from school. He doesn't attend parents evenings, doesn't ask about school trips, knows nothing about what is going on at school. He's never taken DC on holiday. He doesn't even have his DC overnight, he sees him from 9am - 5pm, every other weekend.

So yes, to get that message, given all the context, I do find disconcerting. But difficult to summarise without a huge post and lots of backstory, but appreciate it is actually needed.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:16

Playto · 16/03/2023 15:15

It's difficult to condense a decades worth of relationship and co-parenting into a MN post, and I am not wanting or meaning to drip feed. I have him on social media (restricting and selecting what he can see), so I am able to access his social media and see what he is posting about our DC. In the past there have been troubling posts. When I've deleted or blocked him, he has noticed and done the same back to me (alongside sending huge messages, like the above one).

The message isn't sent from a father who is actively involved in their DCs life. It's sent from someone who frequently has issues with me (often times, non-issues) and relishes in feeling sanctimonious and getting one over on me. He doesn't talk to me, except on his contact weekends. He has never collected DC from school. He doesn't attend parents evenings, doesn't ask about school trips, knows nothing about what is going on at school. He's never taken DC on holiday. He doesn't even have his DC overnight, he sees him from 9am - 5pm, every other weekend.

So yes, to get that message, given all the context, I do find disconcerting. But difficult to summarise without a huge post and lots of backstory, but appreciate it is actually needed.

He does sound like an arse, but still...you should have told him.

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:17

TwoHedgehogs · 16/03/2023 15:08

You mention he was controlling, he probably didn't like that he found out via social media, this is complete loss of control over you for him. I don't really see what business it is of his if he only sees your child 10% of the time it's not like anything major will change, it's just like anyone else having another child, you tell your kids and they get excited. What's with this deep nonsense about needing to know? Sounds like your ex needs to come to terms with it more than anything, he's lost his grip over you.

I agree with this.

Fair enough to want a heads up before seeing his DC, but he had that from the social media post.

I can't see what he needs to sit down with you and discuss, particularly as he only sees DC 2 days a week. He just wants to pull back some control.

I would reply something like 'Thanks for letting me know. I don't think we need a sit down discussion, but let me know if you have any particular questions or concerns.'

Daisydu · 16/03/2023 15:17

He’s a knob. He did find out, when everyone else did. Why on earth does he need to know before everyone else, and also, what discussion does he think he needs when actually it’s none of his business. Ridiculous.

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:17

You still should have told him. All of the above is irrelevant. A simple "just letting you know that Jimmy is going to be a big brother". Done.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/03/2023 15:18

I agree you should have told him before the social media post, if anything so he didn't have a stick to beat you with now. As you can see from this thread its something perceived as unreasonable by people from the initial description, so you have given him a ton of 'woe be me' ammo.

Now he is using it as leverage for a 'sit down chat' where he gets to interfere with your life more. Ridiculous notion given your update that he only sees your child once a fortnight and not even over night, but this is how controlling people work.

Text him back a link to a 'helping children adjust to a new sibling' book and tell him he just needs to be supportive for the two days a month he is involved O_o.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 15:18

Don't apologise to him op, he sounds awful.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 15:19

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:17

You still should have told him. All of the above is irrelevant. A simple "just letting you know that Jimmy is going to be a big brother". Done.

He was told, on SM like everyone else 2 weeks before he saw his DC for the day, plenty of time to get his head around it, he doesn't need special treatment.

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:20

Just re-read your original post. I dont think at any point was he asking to know before your family like you have stated? Just a quick heads up before a social media post.

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:20

Playto · 16/03/2023 15:15

It's difficult to condense a decades worth of relationship and co-parenting into a MN post, and I am not wanting or meaning to drip feed. I have him on social media (restricting and selecting what he can see), so I am able to access his social media and see what he is posting about our DC. In the past there have been troubling posts. When I've deleted or blocked him, he has noticed and done the same back to me (alongside sending huge messages, like the above one).

The message isn't sent from a father who is actively involved in their DCs life. It's sent from someone who frequently has issues with me (often times, non-issues) and relishes in feeling sanctimonious and getting one over on me. He doesn't talk to me, except on his contact weekends. He has never collected DC from school. He doesn't attend parents evenings, doesn't ask about school trips, knows nothing about what is going on at school. He's never taken DC on holiday. He doesn't even have his DC overnight, he sees him from 9am - 5pm, every other weekend.

So yes, to get that message, given all the context, I do find disconcerting. But difficult to summarise without a huge post and lots of backstory, but appreciate it is actually needed.

Given his complete lack of interest in your DC, I'd say it is 100% about control and trying to one up you.

Don't get dragged into his nonsense OP.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:21

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:17

You still should have told him. All of the above is irrelevant. A simple "just letting you know that Jimmy is going to be a big brother". Done.

And maybe also when.

Leave him out of the equation for a moment...it's in the child's interests for his parents to communicate with each other and be on the same page about major changes to his life, without him having to be a go-between or being at risk of being one.

All this kind of feels as if OP is weaponising the child a bit as well.

Stravaig · 16/03/2023 15:21

Your boundaries need serious readjustment, OP.

You should have told DC's father as soon as you told DC - he needs to be fully and promptly informed of any and all significant developments in DC's life, so he can properly parent him.

Now you have published private correspondence from your co-parent, about the child you share, on a public forum. Let's hope neither of them see it.

WTAF!

Cnidarian · 16/03/2023 15:21

You should've told him. Whatever else he's done that's been a nightmare, and no one is saying he's a great Dad but in this particular case he is right

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:22

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:20

Just re-read your original post. I dont think at any point was he asking to know before your family like you have stated? Just a quick heads up before a social media post.

I don't understand why he would need that though. Just to make himself feel important and relevant?

OP made sure he knew in plenty of time before seeing the DC. That's perfectly adequate.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:23

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 15:19

He was told, on SM like everyone else 2 weeks before he saw his DC for the day, plenty of time to get his head around it, he doesn't need special treatment.

Show quote history

He's not everyone else, he's the child's father.

Anotheroverreaction · 16/03/2023 15:23

You were totally out of order

gkhg · 16/03/2023 15:23

I'm with you OP. I have a similiar sounding ex, it's not about the change for dc, it's about him not being in control of the situation.

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:24

I'd rather like to know his side of all this.

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:24

Stravaig · 16/03/2023 15:21

Your boundaries need serious readjustment, OP.

You should have told DC's father as soon as you told DC - he needs to be fully and promptly informed of any and all significant developments in DC's life, so he can properly parent him.

Now you have published private correspondence from your co-parent, about the child you share, on a public forum. Let's hope neither of them see it.

WTAF!

He had 2 weeks to prepare himself. Plenty of time.

GoldenCupidon · 16/03/2023 15:24
  1. god he sounds self-important
  2. he probably has a point that it would have been polite to message him or mention when dropping off your child, purely because people don't always see everything others post on social media and that would have put your kid in the position of telling his father which might not have been easy for him/isn't his job
  3. of course you don't have to sit down and talk to him, he's not a teacher calling you into his office, I'd just reply saying "thanks for your message, sorry for not getting in touch personally. Rushed off my feet at the moment so no time to chat I'm afraid, but no need anyway as this won't change anything re: DC."
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 16/03/2023 15:25

I suspect he’s one of these clever controlling men who can appear very reasonable to everyone else except the person he is trying to control.

SavBlancTonight · 16/03/2023 15:25

it's very obvious you're not interested in hearing you were wrong. I suspect that as he has been controlling and difficult in the past, it's hard for you to see past that. Which I deeply sympathise with.

But yes, a simple text would have been appropriate in most circumstances. Even just, "we told Dc the big news today that I'm pregnant. He's very excited and I'm sure will want to tell you all about it when he see you." And you were wrong not to do that.

I suspect that your hackles are rising because if you've been in a controlling relationship, the "sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this." statement is, yes, controlling. It might well be that there's more to discuss nearer the time re visitation times or whatever, but he certainly doesn't need a big chat with you about it right now. Similarly, this line made me suspect that you have a history of him being controlling and difficult: "To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful."

Of course, the moment a man refers to being "disrespected", especially by a woman, I immediately assume he's a controlling twat so there's that.

Spiderboy · 16/03/2023 15:25

For the sake of healthy co parenting i 100% agree with him. This will be life changing for the child you share together, of course he should of had more than a social media post to be informed

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 15:26

I kind of applaud him for such a well written plea. I agree with you mostly Op. Perhaps you should have told him before the public media post. It’s also a good idea generally to wait until 20 weeks or so before sharing and so maybe you felt protective and didn’t want to share with him until later, it’s understandable. But I see his side too. He communicates very well and seems thoughtful, now I’m curious as to what caused the divorce 😉A lot of us would appreciate our husbands being so willing to talk and so rationally like this. I can’t get past how well he wrote the message 😂

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:27

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:21

And maybe also when.

Leave him out of the equation for a moment...it's in the child's interests for his parents to communicate with each other and be on the same page about major changes to his life, without him having to be a go-between or being at risk of being one.

All this kind of feels as if OP is weaponising the child a bit as well.

Show quote history

The child wasn't a go between in any way, shape or form. OPs ex knew for 2 weeks before seeing their child.