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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:50

Yes, he was/is controlling. There have been many instances of him wanting to have these 'sit down discussions', including thinking he has the right to be in my house on his contact weekends because he doesn't have a suitable place to look after DC. Lots of issues with boundaries.

I don't find it odd that he would perhaps want to talk about how a new baby might impact our DC. Although, I have DC 90% of the time, and he doesn't contact me throughout my contact time with DC to find out about school, parents evenings, holidays, extra curricular activities etc.

I do find it odd that he would want to be told personally, especially when he has subsequently had 2 weeks to discuss it with me (including this weekend, when my DP was present), and instead sends that text message 2 weeks on.

OP posts:
ouse · 16/03/2023 14:50

He’s putting his DC first. It is hard to criticise that. I find your attitude towards his message a bit strange.

Straightsidedcircle · 16/03/2023 14:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/03/2023 14:50

But there’s no guarantee that he would have seen it on social media before he saw your DC again.

Don’t you think he deserves to know how DC took the news so that he can provide the necessary support? I’m just trying to think what I would do and a quick text to say “just letting you know I am having a baby in X month. I have told little Jimmy and he is excited. Please let me know if he seems upset to you”. To me that would be appropriate coparenting and putting your existing DC first.

Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:51

@Straightsidedcircle He had two weeks after finding out on social media before his contact weekend and two weeks to bring it up with me before today.

OP posts:
Tisasatsuma · 16/03/2023 14:51

His reaction is calm and measured. You are in a co-parenting relationship with him and judging by the message he's interested in the welfare of the child. A heads up would have been the correct and respectful choice. Why be adversarial? How would you honestly react if the situation was reversed?

Fuckstix · 16/03/2023 14:51

I understand why some of the way he has expressed this is annoying and overblown and don't agree with all of the motivations he has cited for needing to know. However, I agree that he should've been given a heads up before seeing your DC. It isn't about respect towards him, he's wrong there. It isn't really about him at all. But the news is something that your DC is likely to want to talk and maybe ask questions, be excited or potentially worried about and he may not have checked his SM that day, or seen the post which would have left him on the back foot re what to say and not to way.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 16/03/2023 14:52

I think it would have been courteous to tell him prior to telling everyone else.
Just because a sibling is going to be part of his child's life.

By not telling him and him seeing it on social media seems like you purposely didn't tell him.

There is no need to sit down and discuss anything though. If any problems arise at any point, you can sit down and address them then.

Greenpin · 16/03/2023 14:53

It would have been polite to tell about something that will affect your child quite significantly. He is after all his father. You were rude to let him find out via social media.

Albiboba · 16/03/2023 14:53

Nothing he said to you was unreasonable.

Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:54

He knew for two weeks before seeing DC. He liked the post on social media, so he definitely saw it. He doesn't have contact with DC, DC is too young to have a phone, so he knew for 2 weeks before seeing DC and has known for 2 weeks before sending the message today.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 16/03/2023 14:54

Congratulations - I do think a heads up would be appropriate. At least a text / chat depending on the relationship to be on message to your shared child.

Honestly I would expect the same from my ex.

FourBoysAndAFeline · 16/03/2023 14:54

I agree with the ex.

Looks like the majority do too.

Nice drip of the "oh but he was controlling" though...

Eyerollcentral · 16/03/2023 14:54

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:50

Yes, he was/is controlling. There have been many instances of him wanting to have these 'sit down discussions', including thinking he has the right to be in my house on his contact weekends because he doesn't have a suitable place to look after DC. Lots of issues with boundaries.

I don't find it odd that he would perhaps want to talk about how a new baby might impact our DC. Although, I have DC 90% of the time, and he doesn't contact me throughout my contact time with DC to find out about school, parents evenings, holidays, extra curricular activities etc.

I do find it odd that he would want to be told personally, especially when he has subsequently had 2 weeks to discuss it with me (including this weekend, when my DP was present), and instead sends that text message 2 weeks on.

So you would have felt differently if he had message dyou about it two weeks ago? I get you think it’s none of his business and to a degree you are right. I get he was controlling. It does somewhat come across though that you made a decision not to personally tell him rather than you didn’t think about it, perhaps to signal you aren’t in control of me any more, which is totally fair enough. But I think it’s a bit disingenuous now to be acting as though this is an unexpected response from him when surely it was exactly the response you thought you would get based on his previous behaviour.

Chocolatetadpole · 16/03/2023 14:55

Big event for your child, I agree with you ex he should have been told and not found out via social media.

billy1966 · 16/03/2023 14:55

He sounds like a twat.

Considering he is a controlling twat and doesn't even have his child overnight, you owe him diddly squat.

Ignore him.

JMKid · 16/03/2023 14:55

I only knew ex got married when DS came home (then 5) and told me he was in the wedding party and then a year later she was pregnant by DS. He didnt have much of a relationship with her as ex always took DS to his parents house when he had contact and not where he was living. Out of respect I should have been told by him and not DS. I would have done if it was other way. 2 years later, they have now divorced and he is onto the next GF and trying to play happy families.

Marynotsocontrary · 16/03/2023 14:56

He had two weeks after finding out on social media before his contact weekend and two weeks to bring it up with me before today.

But do you know he saw your SM post straightaway? I dip in and out of things like Facebook, and it's not unusual for me to see posts a week or so after they've been posted. Or to miss some completely!

butterfliedtwo · 16/03/2023 14:56

Jayneisagirlsname · 16/03/2023 14:20

I'm with him. He should've been told before the social media post so he was ready to support his DC. Good for him for thinking of his DC.

Agree.

And I bet he's right about this: I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 16/03/2023 14:56

You telling us that he has a tendency to be controlling and that he felt he had a need ( right?) to visit your DC in your home changes the complexion of this for me.
His message is very calm, but that does not mean it is benign. Ideally, yes, you might have told him personally. You didn’t. He needs to get past that, IF his concern is your DC.
I don’t think you need a sit down, but perhaps a phone call to clear the area, and assure him that your shared DC is very much past of your thought process.

and Congratulations on your lovely news.

IfYouDontAsk · 16/03/2023 14:56

Maybe he’s generally an arse and not a brilliant dad (any parent that only sees their children every other weekend by choice isn’t going to win any parenting awards) but that still doesn’t mean he’s in the wrong about this issue.

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 14:57

When coparenting and getting along, telling him would have been the right thing to do.

He sees it through social media, and now there's a copy and pasted version of his text on MN. Just telling him before social media would have been respectful given he's the father of your child, it's big news for your child that they are going to be a brother or sister. I agree with everything he's said in his message, I'd have told him. I'd have hoped he would have told me the same news.

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 14:57

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:50

Yes, he was/is controlling. There have been many instances of him wanting to have these 'sit down discussions', including thinking he has the right to be in my house on his contact weekends because he doesn't have a suitable place to look after DC. Lots of issues with boundaries.

I don't find it odd that he would perhaps want to talk about how a new baby might impact our DC. Although, I have DC 90% of the time, and he doesn't contact me throughout my contact time with DC to find out about school, parents evenings, holidays, extra curricular activities etc.

I do find it odd that he would want to be told personally, especially when he has subsequently had 2 weeks to discuss it with me (including this weekend, when my DP was present), and instead sends that text message 2 weeks on.

I got all that OP. Like I said, that message sounded the same as my ex. He was controlling, has always liked to try and think he’s got one over on me. The thing is, I’ve always been perfectly reasonable and never argued - that just seemed to make him worse.

My ex always sounded so calm and measured too. He was the same with contact, he wanted to stay weekends at my new home, he thought that was perfectly reasonable as he moved a long distance away.

I understand what it’s like. You are having a baby with someone else.

Me and my ex had been apart for 7 years by the time I started a family with now dh. But it was the ultimate loss of control for him.

Cosyblankets · 16/03/2023 14:57

I can see both sides.
Not sure I'd be happy to have my message shared on an Internet forum though even if it is anonymous

WimbourneWasps · 16/03/2023 14:57

He's right and he's also very articulate. You were in the wrong here