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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:58

I wouldn't care if he personally told me or not. I engage with him as little as possible, which isn't difficult given that I don't hear from him between his fortnightly contact weekends (unless it's a text like the above). He had two weeks from seeing the post - he did see it, he liked it - to mention it to me. He did not see DC or speak to DC in that time, so no awkwardness of DC randomly bringing it up and him not knowing. Instead he waits two weeks and sends a text message wanting a sit down discussion. I find that odd.

OP posts:
PinkSkiesAtNight · 16/03/2023 14:59

I think he is fair to say that he should have been told before social media.

I am on the other foot. My ex's new wife is pregnant. I guessed, for various reasons. But he didn't bother to tell me, even I specifically asked him to let me know if it was on the cards, even if I know it's not my business. He didn't. I found out 'officially' through my 6yr old. I felt he should have told me, out of respect for me (we lost a daughter together), but also so that I would be aware and prepared to deal with any questions or comments that my DC may have had for me.

He is right to begin thinking about how this will affect DC. He is being unreasonable in demanding a sit down chat though.

Cece92 · 16/03/2023 14:59

I do actually agree with him. My best friends ex and his new partner have a son together. He and his new partner got pregnant however he's a chicken and never told my friend however it was his niece that told her so she knew from around 6 weeks and he never mentioned it. He text her after he told Their son fyi we have told DS we are expecting. She couldn't give 2 f*s about him and his partner but it was more for the son. He never told them they had booked their wedding until 3 weeks before it either and expected her to change their weekends on demand. Their son has adhd so needs to know in advance his routine xx

sherbertyellowteddy · 16/03/2023 14:59

I don't think you should follow each other on social media if he's your ex who you say is/was controlling.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 15:00

YANBU, he had a week to mull over this before your DC saw him, that's enough time, he doesn't even have the child to stay overnight, not really much of an involved father so why does he need to talk to you about anything?
Sounds like he is pissed off for no good reason and just wants to get one up on you.
I would ignore him until further down the line, he sounds petty.

purplecorkheart · 16/03/2023 15:00

A new sibling will have a major impact on your child and he/she will need love and support. I do think that you should have told your dp before posting on social media.

NumberTheory · 16/03/2023 15:00

In general, I think news of something that’s going to be that significant for your shared child should be delivered to a co-parent before friends in general and at minimum either just before or just after telling the DC. I also think a personal message is good practice so you can share any thoughts specific to the impact on the shared child.

If he irritates you/rub each other up the wrong way/you just don’t like him (which is all understandable with an ex!) then you need to suck it up and do it for your DC’s sake. But if he was abusive or if he generally ducks out of responsibility for the DC then the benefit of talking to him as though you were civil co-parents is significantly diminished, in a few cases it would be detrimental.

From the response you’ve posted here, he doesn’t seem to fall into the latter category, but there may be more we don’t know about.

SimpleMelody · 16/03/2023 15:01

You keep repeatedly saying he waited 2 weeks. So what? Does it matter if he waited to 2 weeks? You've asked our opinion, most people are telling you they'd have told him. If you wouldnt care about that news, great. But lots of people would care given its their child's brother or sister coming into the world.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 16/03/2023 15:01

Maybe he felt like this originally, but wondered if perhaps he was being unreasonable so has sat with it for a while. They way he felt hasn't changed so he's asking for a conversation

SilverTotoro · 16/03/2023 15:02

Going against the grain here, but given your updates that he’s controlling, and only has DC for a small period of time I agree with you OP his long text message is over the top. It’s not as though you tried to keep it a secret and there’s lots of time for you to discuss it before your baby arrives. I’d just send the briefest of replies - ‘noted, let me know when you’d like to catch up’.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 15:04

He was told the news weeks before he saw DC that's good enough, if your DC was with him and you posted on SM that would be off but that's not what happened he didn't need to know before anyone else in this case.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 15:04

I think he makes some valid points.

Loveyoutomatoes · 16/03/2023 15:05

I agree you should've told him before putting it on social media.

TheMatriarchy · 16/03/2023 15:07

He doesn't even have his child overnight, but he needs discuss 'expectations'? What for the 2 days a month spends with his kid? Tell him his day will be unaffected. What exactly does he want to talk about, you are 15 weeks, the baby is not due for 5 months. What does he need to 'sit down' and talk about? He thinks you have been 'disrespectful' goodness naughty you. Has he earned your respect? Doesn't sound like he has. Frankly someone who opts out of parenting to the point their child doesn't even stay overnight with them, I wouldn't be worried about engaging with them either.

curtaintwitcher23 · 16/03/2023 15:07

sherbertyellowteddy · 16/03/2023 14:59

I don't think you should follow each other on social media if he's your ex who you say is/was controlling.

100% this , that's bizarre.

Aswad · 16/03/2023 15:07

OP you’re definitely NBU. Something’s very unsettling about this and 100% something my ex would write. I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s an element of control, I know what’s best, I’m so important why didn’t you tell me in person (because I’m so important), he’s almost hinting that you can’t make any decisions on your own.

realistically, what is there to talk about? You’ve said you do 90% of the care so what’s his angle?

Viviennemary · 16/03/2023 15:07

That sounds a very reasonable and balanced message from your ex. I do think you should have told him rather than leave him to find out on social media. I doubt you would have liked it if he had done that to you.

TwoHedgehogs · 16/03/2023 15:08

You mention he was controlling, he probably didn't like that he found out via social media, this is complete loss of control over you for him. I don't really see what business it is of his if he only sees your child 10% of the time it's not like anything major will change, it's just like anyone else having another child, you tell your kids and they get excited. What's with this deep nonsense about needing to know? Sounds like your ex needs to come to terms with it more than anything, he's lost his grip over you.

Rosula · 16/03/2023 15:10

I think you should have told your ex, for the reasons he gives. He needs to support your child, he can't do that if he doesn't know about this massively important thing that is going on in his life. Sure, he doesn't need to know before your close family, but the point is that you didn't tell him before you told the whole world - and you should have prioritised telling him pretty quickly, for your child's sake.

FilthyforFirth · 16/03/2023 15:11

YABU. His message is very calm and rational.

CustardCreamm · 16/03/2023 15:12

You definitely should have told him.

Daffodilfrog · 16/03/2023 15:12

You should have told him - it didn’t need to be a big song and dance , but he did need to know to support your shared child .

ReneBumsWombats · 16/03/2023 15:13

He may well be an arse, and he may well be milking it, but yes, you should have told him thar your shared child is going to have a sibling.

TheMainWoman · 16/03/2023 15:13

OMG. I agree with every word he has written. I would expect to know if my ex was having another baby and I would expect him to discuss with me how this would effect our children and how it should be handled. Would you not be interested if he was giving your children siblings and having a new baby with his new family?

Moveoverdarlin · 16/03/2023 15:14

Totally agree with him and his email is very articulate. Not rude, not wanting to drag it out but wants a sensible conversation about his child to probably ensure they’re not going to be pushed out. He’s right and the email is spot on. Bet he didn’t think the entire email would be copied and posted on to Mumsnet though.