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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 17/03/2023 19:21

He’s within his rights to be annoyed that his DC had to explain things to him if she’s little. He would have been able to avoid a ‘reaction’ in front of her if he was prepared. And DC might have questions which she’d rather raise with him than you. After all, the new sibling will be living with both their parents unlike her. It would have been courteous to let him know, just like it would be a good idea to flag anything to him that will have a major impact on his DC’s life. His message is a bit OTT but he’s only looking out for his child.

Mumof3confused · 17/03/2023 19:25

Ok having read on after the opening post I take it back. He’s being unreasonable.

Utterknowitall · 17/03/2023 19:48

What you feel is irrelevant. It's the child's feelings that need to be considered. Always. Grown ups need to be grown ups.

lobeliasb · 17/03/2023 19:53

Still not getting how OP was unreasonable...

It's not as though the DC has gone to visit the ex and said "mummy has had a new baby" and that's the first he's hearing of it. There's plenty of time to discuss whatever it is he's wanting to discuss before the baby arrives. What precisely is there to say anyways? Was OP meant to ask if he was okay with her having a child with her partner before she proceeded? He doesn't get a say!

MarvellousMonsters · 17/03/2023 20:09

You should've told him before posting it on social media, but, why does he follow your social media?? That's weird.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 17/03/2023 20:09

Assuming you want to coparent amicably, you should have told him before announcing it to the world on sm. His message was spot on.

Mumto32022 · 17/03/2023 21:27

I agree you should have told him. Me and my ex have both had other children with new partners since our children were born. It was a quick phone conversation ‘ hi I’m just letting you know that I’m pregnant due in august / September etc’ ‘’oh good news congratulations’..
that was all it took. But I wouldn’t have announced it without telling him, and him vice versa as it does change our childrens lives / family dynamics massively.
i would just apologise and say you hadn’t realised at the time and just be more open. You’ll need his support when the baby’s born etc if you need extra child care / to change days if you end up admitted in to hospital for a week etc

WitheredandOld · 17/03/2023 21:57

HeckyPeck · 16/03/2023 15:17

I agree with this.

Fair enough to want a heads up before seeing his DC, but he had that from the social media post.

I can't see what he needs to sit down with you and discuss, particularly as he only sees DC 2 days a week. He just wants to pull back some control.

I would reply something like 'Thanks for letting me know. I don't think we need a sit down discussion, but let me know if you have any particular questions or concerns.'

Show quote history

I would send the exact response as above.

Mamanyt · 17/03/2023 23:03

I have mixed feelings on this. If not for the DC you share, I'd tell you to tell him to sod off. HOWEVER...in some way, he remains "close family" in some areas, as he is, and forever will be, the father of your daughter. The daughter who is going to have a new sibling. If he had been a neglectful father, or abusive in any way, I'd feel very differently, but there is no hint of that in your post.

Perhaps a simple "I'm sorry, I probably should have told you, but failed to. This child will not impact our DD any more than it would have had you and I had a second child. She is, and will remain, my beloved first-born."

Boopnose · 18/03/2023 00:29

You are being very unreasonable. I think he sent a very balanced text and clearly states his interest is in supporting his child. I really think you should have given him the courtesy of telling him rather than him finding out from social media.
He’s probably right that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would have been angry.

WandaWonder · 18/03/2023 00:51

I know it's popular for anything men do is wrong but in this I think he is right

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/03/2023 01:06

Sqqueeeeeeee · 16/03/2023 14:25

Congratulations but yes, YABU. If I were you, I’d message apologising and say you just got caught up in the excitement of the announcement. Then have a discussion about it rationally. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Good Advice.
Also he had a point.
Its one thing to share with close family, but Sharing it on social media before you talked to him was unfair

Ritasdaughter1969 · 18/03/2023 01:41

That sounds like a text my controlling, narcissistic ex would send me. I wouldn't have made a special announcement to him either. As for a reply to his message I wouldn't be making any apologies, maybe something along the lines of

There is plenty of time to discuss this with Dd who is excited to being a big sister (I would imagine) and if she goes to him with anything he can't answer then of course he can raise it with you. But as far as you're concerned it's just another addition to your loving family, the same thing happens to families all the time.

IMO he needs boundaries putting in place now so far as the new addition is concerned.

Congratulations BTW x

marblemad · 18/03/2023 03:55

He didn't deserve to know before any family, however he did deserve to know before Social Media...especially if you co-parent and this affects the potential dynamic of his shared days or the welfare of his child in anyway- which both would! ie- wanting different holidays, a break when babys born from older DC, the mental health of the DC when new baby is here etc.

SnacksRLife · 18/03/2023 06:16

Eeaieeaioh · 16/03/2023 14:25

What does he actually want to discuss with you? That would worry me. He doesn’t get a vote in anything to do with your shared child’s half sibling or how your home runs. Is he going to tell you he wants to increase contact time in his favour or something?
Having a new sibling will obviously impact your eldest (not necessarily negatively!) and he did need to know. But he’s got six months heads up, do he’s just pissed off you didn’t send him a personalized message about it.

He probably wants to discuss the changes that will happen in his child’s life. How they intend to manage contact and any questions the DC might have. You didn’t put in your post about the age of your child, but if they’re young, it could raise the ‘where do babies come from’ thing, or other questions related to this. It may make your other DC feel left out, pushed out, or it could mean they don’t want to go to your ex’s because they want to stay with you. It could also negatively affect DC when baby comes. Being woken up by crying, you have less time for DC due to the needs of a new born. Maybe you would want or need DC to spend more time at his dad’s when baby comes so you can focus slightly more on baby. There’s nothing sinister there, he’s not asking to have a say in the half siblings raising, just that all this stuff and more could impact his child and is a bit change in their life. 100% you should have told
him before social media.

LaDamaDeElche · 18/03/2023 07:27

It's no wonder controlling men get away with their behaviour and their public face is so easily believed by people. OP, I, like some other posters saw through that message immediately. What people are referring to as measured and articulate came across as cleverly controlling to me, but I've been in a relationship in the past with a controlling, manipulative man and had to deal with behaviour when the relationship broke down and we'd had a child together.

He doesn't need to sit down and have a chat with you. He doesn't need to be personally told either. He knows and that's it. Say congratulations and carry on with life 🤷🏻‍♀️ Kids have siblings, blended families. Step parents etc , etc. it's normal in this day and age and no big sit down conversation needs to be had.

Abouttimemum · 18/03/2023 07:49

I know a woman who found out that her ex DH was starting a new family with his girlfriend via social media and their children (on the same day) and she sent a similar text message to him about it being disrespectful etc. I agree actually.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2023 07:51

People should stop having their exes on social media.

Baublebonkers · 18/03/2023 08:13

No I’m with you.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 18/03/2023 08:38

Mortimercat · 17/03/2023 15:38

I think if there is pertinent background it should be in the first post. I tend to take information that would massively swing opinion to OP but only added later with a very large helping of salt.

Show quote history

Yes there is this - the infamous drip feed when a thread (especially aibu) isn't going as an opening poster wishes.

Who knows - obviously a largely absent dad doesn't need to be kept in the loop because they're unlikely to be supporting the child in accepting/ embracing change, but a co-parent to a young child who is likely to have both completely illogical and more logical worries and questions about an impending big change in their family should be kept in the loop properly - for the child's sake not the adult's.

Lovelyveg82 · 18/03/2023 10:11

Of all the drip-feedy threads I have ever read… hands down this is the worst

Grrrrdarling · 18/03/2023 10:16

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

Your ex isn’t bothered about your pregnancy, get over yourself, he is worried about the child you have together being effected by the new sibling.
It is a given that this new child arriving will change the family dynamic which will cause behaviours in your older DC that you will all have to manage & to do that you all need to be on the same page so your DC can’t play one off against the other!
You should have given your ex a heads up because that keeps you all on the same page when it comes to the DC you have together.

Imaginemissmarple · 18/03/2023 10:33

I think YABU, finding out about something on social media that’s a massive change in family dynamic impacting your shared child is quite disrespectful, it wouldn’t have taken much effort to contact him personally and tell him. When I was expecting our DD, my husbands ex wife was one of the first people to be told because of the shared DC, glad we did as she did need a few days to get her head around even though they had been separated for a few years and was in a new relationship herself.

You are saying why has it taken two weeks to challenge you, is it not as simple as he’s been stewing over it and has waited until he is calm and rational to raise it with you?

i would suggest replying acknowledging his point, apologising and offering to follow up on any specific concerns he has about impact on DC. It’s clear you didn’t mean any malice, and I don't think he means any either, it’s just been badly judged and be better for all of you if you can smooth it over and have a relaxing pregnancy and look forward to your new baby.

Lovelyveg82 · 18/03/2023 10:34

How long have you been with your partner OP?

Grrrrdarling · 18/03/2023 10:41

Playto · 16/03/2023 18:57

@thegirlyupnorth No, he does what he wants and justifies it with a woe is me act, similar to the text message in the OP. He doesn't have DC overnight because he chooses to live in unsuitable, shared accommodation. He can't (won't) see DC after school because it's a two hour round trip.

I want to reiterate, there was no 'finding out from children'. He liked the social media post within the hour of it being posted, 2 weeks prior to his next contact time with DC. He had two weeks to absorb the information, ask questions, send a message, make a phone call. He's chosen two weeks later to do so, randomly, out of the blue. He also saw me on the weekend with DP, didn't bring it up then (he's cowardly and probably scared DP would tell him where to go) and has instead chosen to bring it up via an essay solely to me. Why? What is the motivation? If the motivation was being a kind and caring, involved father, he'd be seeing his DC more often, involved in their school life and living somewhere suitable to have them overnight.

Having all this extra information doesn’t really change my reply much.
He is clutching at straws around the baby news & the announcement because you still allow him to be like this to you.
You need to shut him down!
Tell him to grow up & get on with his life. What he messaged you is not about the baby or your child it is about the control he thinks he still has because you still communicate with him.
Pass all further contact regarding DC to your partner & DO NOT reply to any communication from your ex going forward.
He does what he does to effect you & clearly that is still working a decade on.

As for keeping an eye on the ex’s contact with your DC via social media I am sure you have friends & family who can do that for you so on that front block him also.

You need him out of contact with you but for your shared child he needs to be able to contact you at some point.

So to reiterate…

  1. YOU need to cut all communication with your ex… NOW.

  2. Going forward all communication should be done through your partner & all communication from your ex is only to be about DC.

  3. Block ex on social media.

  4. If ex wants overnight with child or any further contact he can choose to sort his living arrangements out & move forward in his own life himself.

  5. Get on with your life & congratulations on the pregnancy.

Now you are hopefully free from your controlling ex’s controlling & challenging but that would be too easy.
I would be prepared for some fall out when he realises what is occurring & spits his dummy out!

Good luck