To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

[Playto]

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

It’s a very reasonable message from him.

what exactly needs to be discussed regarding how its going to impact existing children of the family?

your children are getting a sibling. Would you have had a discussion about additional siblings had you not been with a new partner?
What is there to discuss?

I wouldn't have told him either. And I would have blocked him on all social media anyway.

Although if you have an amicable relationship then it would be courtesy to let him know I guess. But he wouldn't be priority.

I think that’s a very fair and reasoned message from your ex.

Closer to when the baby will be born there might be some legitimately helpful things to discuss - like maybe him volunteering to take your shared child at short notice outside normal contact times when you go into labour.

He is 100% right.

You're behaviour was ridiculously poor.
Worst kind of childish behaviour. He is entirely correct & yabvvu

• What does their joint child already know and have they expressed any opinion?
• Can he help with looking after their joint child on specific dates or around the due date? So when is the due date?
• Will this impact anything for the joint child like holidays already booked etc?

Did your DC, at any point, see his dad and have to keep this secret?

He’s right and it’s a very measured response. YABU

Congratulations! Sorry but I think you were unreasonable - maybe apologise and put it down to pregnancy hormones?!

Totally agree with him, you should have told him before putting it on social media.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

He’s certain, but would you say he’s right about that, OP? If so, he has a point. If no, then I can see why you didn’t think to tell him.

Sorry but I think he is 100% correct and the text message was really rational and reasonable.

I’m with him too. I think his email was
calm, measured and rational. I’d feel the same as him. Not because it’s his business but it’s very much his son’s business and will affect his son.

He's right.

He is right.
Siblings and family first was the right move but you should have told we before the SM announcement even if that was a day before you intended to post.

If your mutual child is young you should have told him. Not for the sake of the adults involved - of course it's none of his business as your ex - but for the sake of your shared child.

Children expect the central adults in their lives to "just know" the really important things in their (the child's) life and need to be able to go to either parent with any worries that crop up in the context of big changes in their lives.

Your ex needs to be able to reassure your mutual child that you'll still love your mutual child as much when the baby comes etc. and not be blindsided because he didn't know there was a new baby on the way, or give incorrect information by suggesting that your child is worrying about something that might not happen because he thinks you aren't pregnant...).

Bloody hell that’s almost word for word my ex husband.

Ds was 11 when I fell pregnant with his sister. We told ds at 16 weeks as i’d had a prior mmc and wanted to make sure all was fine after a scan. He only saw his father every 6 weeks or so as he lived far away and didn’t tell him on the phone, so I told him at 20 weeks after that scan was all fine.

Ex h tried to use it as another way to control me. Tried to set up therapy for ds and everything (which never happened, obviously , ds was very happy). Asked if ds should live with him full time as it would be such an awful upheaval.

It was ds who told him not to be ridiculous and it affected their relationship. Every time he spoke to ds he told him how dh and I would love the baby more, ds knew that wasn’t true and he ended up disliking his dad for it.

He tried the same when he found out I was pregnant with dc number 3. Only ds was 17 then and he asked his father if he thought he should seek therapy instead as he clearly had massive issues and told him to grow up.

That's important too - obviously children should never, ever be told to keep secrets from either parent.

Of course you should have told him. Your joint dc is impacted by your decision.

Your ex sent you an incredibly calm and well reasoned message after you messed up a major step of co-parenting.

I think he sounds like he’s enjoying being sanctimonious about this a bit too much (does he have form for that?) but yes, it would have been best to tell him.

I planned to tell my ex before telling dc but ended up telling dc spur of the moment and texted ex straight away. We didn’t have a big discussion about how it would affect dc though as I’m sure ex trusted me to manage that and would have communicated if something came up.

I agree with him to be honest. He doesn't say he deserved to know, but he's right when he says he should've been told as it's a big change which will impact your shared child (whether positively or negatively).

He’s right, you were disrespectful to not tell him before it’s announcement on social media, it would feel a bit like you’d done that on purpose. His message was very well written and fair. YABVU.

I think his message was very reasonable tbh. What if he hadn’t seen the social media post and then his son had mentioned it to him? It could have been really awkward for them both.

It seems very petty not to take a moment to let him know.