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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 16/03/2023 14:39

If there’s no back story here to him being a total arse then I do think he’s right. I can’t stand my exh but we’ve always kept him informed on anything that would be significant in our dc life. He met my DH before he moved in, we told him when I was getting remarried, when I was pregnant, when we were moving etc. It’s just made life easier to be reasonable with him. Our shared child is now an adult and we haven’t had contact for years but when things happen such as her wedding, her children being born etc I know it will be drama free because we’ve worked bloody hard to keep it that way.

Spidey66 · 16/03/2023 14:39

And another who thinks he's right and that his message was reasonable.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 16/03/2023 14:39

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 14:35

Bloody hell that’s almost word for word my ex husband.

Ds was 11 when I fell pregnant with his sister. We told ds at 16 weeks as i’d had a prior mmc and wanted to make sure all was fine after a scan. He only saw his father every 6 weeks or so as he lived far away and didn’t tell him on the phone, so I told him at 20 weeks after that scan was all fine.

Ex h tried to use it as another way to control me. Tried to set up therapy for ds and everything (which never happened, obviously , ds was very happy). Asked if ds should live with him full time as it would be such an awful upheaval.

It was ds who told him not to be ridiculous and it affected their relationship. Every time he spoke to ds he told him how dh and I would love the baby more, ds knew that wasn’t true and he ended up disliking his dad for it.

He tried the same when he found out I was pregnant with dc number 3. Only ds was 17 then and he asked his father if he thought he should seek therapy instead as he clearly had massive issues and told him to grow up.

The 17 year old anecdote is funny, but really I don't think this is the same as the email quoted in the op at all. The ex here isn't suggesting that a half sibling is a trauma necessitating complete change of main caregiver, only that he should have the information in order to support the mutual child when in his sole care.

Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:40

No. DC was not told to keep it secret.

His main issue seems to be that he should have been personally told - my question is, why? He found out at the same time as all of our other extended family and friends, then he had a week before seeing or communicating with our DC to ask questions or to express any 'concerns'. It's now been two weeks since he knew, and he is choosing now to text me, why? Is it because he doesn't want to say anything when my DP is there and prefers to send long text messages directly to me?

He sees DC every other weekend and does not have him to stay over. I have our DC 90% of the time.

OP posts:
Banrockmystation · 16/03/2023 14:40

It’s a reasonable message, you should’ve told him before social media. YABU and I think an apology would be a good gesture.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 16/03/2023 14:41

YABU

He isn’t asking to be told before you tell your close family, he’s saying you should have told him before posting it on social media.

This sibling is going to have a big affect on his child, so he reasonably would have appreciated a heads up so he could work out how to talk to DC about it or handle any worries s/he might have.

Original poster
Playto · 16/03/2023 14:42

@Workawayxx Yes, he loves to feel as though he has 'got one over on me'. Weird behaviour from someone you haven't been with for the best part of a decade.

OP posts:
Elnetthairnet · 16/03/2023 14:42

That message is very calm and sensible and I 100% agree with him - you could have told him so easily before you announced it to the world all over FB. Obviously it’s going to impact DC and you should have put their needs first rather than trying to make a point to your ex.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 16/03/2023 14:42

He found out at the same time as all of our other extended family and friends

Your other extended family and friends don't already share a child with you...

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/03/2023 14:42

Unless there’s going to be a drip feed that the mutual child is 19/20 then he should have been told.

Its common courtesy and good parenting to share information on things that are going to have a massive impact on your child.

Corgiorsheepdog · 16/03/2023 14:42

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

He didn't ask to be informed before close family though.

He was upset you hadn't informed him of the imminent change to his child's life before you announced it on social media.

That's different and I think he's right. You were disrespectful.

Jk8 · 16/03/2023 14:43

Mmm. I was going to say no - its ur business but having read his note. It doesnt seem unreasonable that he would have preferred to have known beforehand

Is there a particular reason you didn't inform your child/immidiate family including ex if you have a good co-parent relationship when you first found out. ? Like prior miscarriage or abuse

Reugny · 16/03/2023 14:43

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 14:35

Bloody hell that’s almost word for word my ex husband.

Ds was 11 when I fell pregnant with his sister. We told ds at 16 weeks as i’d had a prior mmc and wanted to make sure all was fine after a scan. He only saw his father every 6 weeks or so as he lived far away and didn’t tell him on the phone, so I told him at 20 weeks after that scan was all fine.

Ex h tried to use it as another way to control me. Tried to set up therapy for ds and everything (which never happened, obviously , ds was very happy). Asked if ds should live with him full time as it would be such an awful upheaval.

It was ds who told him not to be ridiculous and it affected their relationship. Every time he spoke to ds he told him how dh and I would love the baby more, ds knew that wasn’t true and he ended up disliking his dad for it.

He tried the same when he found out I was pregnant with dc number 3. Only ds was 17 then and he asked his father if he thought he should seek therapy instead as he clearly had massive issues and told him to grow up.

Guess you and I are the only ones who understand about controlling ex-partners.

Jonei · 16/03/2023 14:43

I think for the sake of the children that you co parent and share, that you should have told him. His message sounds more than reasonsable.

Talkingmouse · 16/03/2023 14:43

You asked.
The consensus is 90% yabu.
Reflect on that rather keep defending…

Mysnowmanhasmelted1 · 16/03/2023 14:44

I agree he should have been told before it was plastered over social media.

Jonei · 16/03/2023 14:45

I don't think you need to sit down and discuss it with him though. Any problems that need to be dealt with, can be dealt with as and when they arise.

Woodywasatwat · 16/03/2023 14:46

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 16/03/2023 14:39

The 17 year old anecdote is funny, but really I don't think this is the same as the email quoted in the op at all. The ex here isn't suggesting that a half sibling is a trauma necessitating complete change of main caregiver, only that he should have the information in order to support the mutual child when in his sole care.

Show quote history

My ex did gave all the support reasons too.

What it boiled down to thought was control. He had no control over my life, and was trying to control it though dc feelings that he was projecting onto him. Like I wasn’t going to do that as the person dc lived with 90% of the time.

TheRealShatParp · 16/03/2023 14:46

This must be a reverse. I’m amazed that anyone would find that message so bizarre otherwise. it’s a very rational message and completely makes sense. How can you not see that, even just in hindsight? Children need support through any change, not just negative change. It’s a massive adjustment that must not be underestimated. It’s worrying that you cannot see that.

Jonei · 16/03/2023 14:46

Actually the last paragraph asking you to sit down and talk with him about it sounds a bit controlling. Was he controlling?

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/03/2023 14:49

I think he’s right tbh. You could just have given him the heads up and you need to work together on how this will
change things for your kids.

OnTheThames · 16/03/2023 14:49

Unless there is some sort of backstory of abuse, I would have told the father of my other child that I was pregnant before posting it on social media. It’s respectful and acknowledges that your child’s life is going to change soon with the arrival of another child.

Wouldnt you want to know if the shoe was on the other foot?

Danikm151 · 16/03/2023 14:49

YABU
he has a point.
I found out my son’s dad was expecting another child though SM. A heads up would have been nice

ResignationUpYourArse · 16/03/2023 14:49

I think he's right.

Marynotsocontrary · 16/03/2023 14:49

His main issue seems to be that he should have been personally told - my question is, why?

Why?
Good manners, common courtesy - that sort of basic stuff.

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