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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have told my ex-dp about my pregnancy?

465 replies

Playto · 16/03/2023 14:12

Dp and I are expecting a baby. I currently have 1 DC with my ex. We did not tell anyone we were expecting until the 12 week point. We told my DC first, then close family members and friends, then announced it on social media to our extended family and friends. My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend and DC was also able to chat to his dad and share the news.

I have now got the following text message from my ex-dp:

I think it’s important that we talk about how things are going to change this year… especially for our DC.

What’s frustrating for me in all of this is that I’m the one having to bring this up. I don’t like how you never considered giving me any foresight on this news. I learned about it through social media and the next time I saw DC.

Don’t get me wrong - your personal life and personal choices are none of my business, and i’m happy for you & your DP. But when decisions like this are going to impact DC (which you know they will) I deserve to be at least made aware properly. It says a lot that you consider making a social media post about your lovely news a higher priority than having a rational conversation with me about this and how this will shape DC's life - To not consider me in any of this actually quite disrespectful.

I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that was starting a new family, you’d be more than upset if the same considerations had been applied and I hadn’t spoken to you about how it will affect DC.

I’ve said how I feel, and nothing more needs to be said on that point…
What I’d like now is when you’re able to this weekend over the phone or next weekend in-person is sit down with me to discuss expectations concerning DC because it’s important we do this.

AIBU to find his attitude utterly bizarre and think he has no right to know our news before our own close family?

OP posts:
TheWhisker · 18/03/2023 10:41

I think your ex is right and his message was very well and reasonably written.

christina1971 · 18/03/2023 12:59

I think you should have told him. I’d be upset if my ex-husband with whom I share a 13 year-old let me find this out on social media. It does affect him because you are raising a child together.

Littlewhitepet · 18/03/2023 14:08

Oh what a load of nonsense. Honestly, it's a mountain out of a molehill. So you're pregnant. So you're having a baby. Didn't he expect this?

I would imagine you have your child's best interest at heart, and will work out the best for your daughter. Whether he likes it or not, and it does seem a bit of a control issue, it's happening. Your daughter will adjust. What does he want to do about it? You have months to prepare and plan and work together. I don't know why you broke up, and that might be the reason behind it. But I honestly think he is over reacting.

Wick55 · 18/03/2023 15:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I am a bit surprised the majority think that you are? You aren’t starting a ‘new’ family, you are adding to your family! There’s still 6 months until the baby arrives plenty of him for you and your ex to talk about it it just seems like controlling behaviour. It’s your news, announce it your way!

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2023 15:35

My ex-dp follows me on social media, so found out at the same time as everyone else. He then saw his DC the following weekend

He's an ex. He enjoys no 'special status'. I'd certainly rank my ex under my family and close friends. And he DID have time to contact the OP to 'discuss' things before he saw DC. But he chose to wait 2 weeks and then send a bullshit passive aggressive text.

If I was OP I'd block (or heavily restrict) what he saw on my SM. I'm not on FB but I know that DH has 'categories' for people; some see everything, some only see a 'selective' bit of his posts.

Lovelyveg82 · 18/03/2023 15:40

I’m guessing the Op never came back to confirm how long she’d been with current partner?

T1Dmama · 19/03/2023 01:00

How bizarre! It really isn’t his business.
I would imagine most ex’s learn of this kind of news through their DC
He doesn’t need a ‘sit down’ with you over this…. All he has to do is tell your DC that there’s enough love for everyone and having a new baby will be amazing…. Etc..
I’d send a message back simply saying
‘Thank you so much, DC is happy about having a sibling and I think as long as we are all positive about this new step I’m sure DC will be a wonderful big brother.

Lovelyveg82 · 19/03/2023 08:14

I would imagine most ex’s learn of this kind of news through their DC

yes and these won’t be amicable and they won’t have the children as their priority

I would tell my ex before our children so we can come together to decide best approach for them. And it would be vice versa.

mustgetoffmn · 19/03/2023 10:11

Hmm I’m getting self righteous bully here. Most women wait for 12 week scan before announcing pregnancy. We know why. No one wants to inform all those people if an issue with pregnancy arises. I would personally feel even more uncomfortable going through that with an ex even one you’ve maintained a good relationship with. Even more valid towards DC. Does he not have any idea of this? Next he will want to know when you miss a period! Sounds like he has feelings about your current relationship but is unable to access them In himself.

mustgetoffmn · 19/03/2023 10:15

christina1971 · 18/03/2023 12:59

I think you should have told him. I’d be upset if my ex-husband with whom I share a 13 year-old let me find this out on social media. It does affect him because you are raising a child together.

It’s not an issue about him being “told”. Just when. There’s a whole pregnancy to be gone through. Plenty of time

christina1971 · 19/03/2023 11:43

Sorry, don’t agree - it’s also a trust issue.

Madamum18 · 19/03/2023 16:30

You should have told him because he is the father of your child who will be a half brother/sister, very significant life change. his message is not bizarre, it is entirely reasonable. It's not about whether it is HIS business, it's about com parenting tge child you have together and supporting them in their little life with all changes,potential worries etc!!

Highover · 20/03/2023 08:04

Well I told mine when I was in the same situation. I thought it was polite and wanted him to know and not be told by our children. He may have been my ex but we still shared two children that we were bringing up together (all be it separately.) Adding another baby to the equation does change things considerably

DadBodAlready · 20/03/2023 08:11

Wick55 · 18/03/2023 15:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I am a bit surprised the majority think that you are? You aren’t starting a ‘new’ family, you are adding to your family! There’s still 6 months until the baby arrives plenty of him for you and your ex to talk about it it just seems like controlling behaviour. It’s your news, announce it your way!

OP maybe adding but she is also starting a new family with an new partner. Do you really believe new partner feelings for OP's first child will be he same as for his biological child. Unlikely. Focus will change, family dynamics will change. DC didn't choose OP's partner, she did.

MummyMayo1988 · 20/03/2023 10:30

YANBU - your new partner/life and child are absolutely NOT his concern. I think as long as you are supporting your DC through your pregnancy, including him/her and making him/her feels special and welcome, everything will work out alright.
Children are so adaptive and accepting, I think your DC will be excited to be an older sibling and you should reinforce that feeling.
That is such a controlling txt to send an ex, if it were me I'd reply along the lines of; "I intend to fully support our DC during the transition to older sibling. They will be involved in this pregnancy and very much included. As the baby does NOT concern you, you don't need to worry about it."
Good luck OP and congratulations on your family x

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