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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd not getting ready to go out

373 replies

Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 10:48

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 16/03/2023 10:53

You stand over her and tell her to get dressed. Remove the toy she is playing with, turn the TV off, say very clearly she has until X time or there will be no fun day out. Set a timer which she can see the countdown on. Anything really, other than just saying, "Get dressed," and then doing nothing about it.

XelaM · 16/03/2023 10:54

Why can't you go out now? Sorry, but you're the one spoiling the day. Why can't it be a relaxing day when she's allowed to play in the morning and then get ready in her own time. If she's not at school and you're not at work and there's no rush, why do you need to stress? Relax the stringent rules and you'll both be happier.

goodfriend · 16/03/2023 10:55

stand over her and help her into her clothes.

now give her a hug and take her out for that icecream

pandarific · 16/03/2023 10:56

What jumps out at me is that you’re expecting her to get herself dressed entirely herself when you ask, and to you that seems logical (time etc) but she doesn’t really have a concept of time like that, as she’s 4.

Mine is 3 months younger and can put on bits and pieces of his clothes, and can quickly hop into his clothes with a bit of help and do coat and boots etc but he very much needs us to be standing there going ‘trousers’ / helping him or like you’ve seen he’d just get distracted by other more fun things.

It also jumps out that she’s always been very easy - mine only was as a baby, so perhaps I’m more used to it now, but you might just need to accept she’s getting older and changing, and adapt your parenting a bit?

Also nothings ruined because you got a bit cross - just go out somewhere else.

SaltySeaAir · 16/03/2023 10:58

Is 4 a typo? At 4, just get her dressed! She doesn't have to do it herself all the time. Have a nice chat with her and a bit of a cuddle whilst you help her out. I still get my 7 year old dressed sometimes!

Smartiepants79 · 16/03/2023 10:58

She’s 4.
Take her upstairs and make her get dressed.
I’d understand this a bit better if she was 14. She’s still a little child. If you have something you want her to do then make her do it. Not toys or tv or snacks until she has.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/03/2023 10:59

At this age you need to drive the process. Switch off the TV, say "Tidy away the toys now, it's time to get dressed" and stand there until they do. Even once they start getting dressed you need to keep them on track with prompting "Pick up your pyjamas, fold them, now brush your teeth" etc.

On Mumsnet people will assure you that their 4 year old was fully independent in the morning, but none of the ones I know are. You are the adult, and the time you leave the house is in your hands.

Zhougzhoug · 16/03/2023 11:00

At 4 mine could physically put his own clothes on but still needed me going "and now your t-shirt....OK socks next". Probably needed that until quite recently actually (he's 7). They get distracted very easily and still don't really know how long time is. You need to micromanage a bit. Otherwise you might as well be saying to them at 9am, "OK we're getting the 10 past 11 train, don't be late" and no 4 year old could process that.

Thatwastheweekthatwasnt · 16/03/2023 11:00

At 4 I'd be supporting her to get dressed! Even if that's cajoling her and taking toys off her (if she's otherwise independent) 4 is still so little to expect this level of independence from!

Passerillage · 16/03/2023 11:01

You have to stand over her at this age, and she has to understand that getting dressed to leave when we said we'd leave isn't a "Mummy is asking nicely" situation, but a "Mummy is TELLING you to get dressed right now."

Four year olds can assess how serious the situation is from your tone of voice and language but not by piecing together the whole situation and subtext, and if you're being too nice about it, she'll just assume it's fine to keep playing.

You have to be authoritative and clear - it's confusing for her if you make it sound optional and then get cross when she didn't interpret it correctly.

MetaDaughter · 16/03/2023 11:01

Goodness, @Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee! Unless your 4 year old can tell the time flawlessly, it’s a bit unfair to expect her to know how long she has to dawdle.

Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 11:02

She’s almost 5 and has got dressed independently and wanted to, from a young age. I’m v happy to help
and that would be easier for me. The tv wasn’t on, I put the toys away, which she screamed at me for. I ended up feeling so frustrated in the end

OP posts:
usernotfound0000 · 16/03/2023 11:03

My 4 year old can't be left to get herself dressed, so you are being a bit unreasonable to expect that. You need to stand over her and chivvy her along and help with it.

Natty13 · 16/03/2023 11:04

Is this serious? It's a small child. You're the parent. You get off your arse, take the toys away and stand over her/cajole/encourage her while she gets ready.

Or you know sit around miserable for the day because someone with a brain 1/10th as developed as yours didn't understand the concept of time managent.

Zhougzhoug · 16/03/2023 11:04

I'm quite a big fan of cheerfully saying, as I tidy up the toys, "Great, should we leave this toy on the top of the toy box so you can pick it up again as soon as you get back?" -- then whisk them out of the room before they even notice what has happened

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/03/2023 11:05

You are the parent, why are you just sitting back while she fannys about? Just make her get dressed Confused

namechange3394 · 16/03/2023 11:06

Did you actually say, if you don't go and get ready now we won't be able to go out?

MetaDaughter · 16/03/2023 11:07

It’s really not her ability to get dressed independently that’s in question. It’s whether a child with little or no conception of hours and minutes can comprehend your expectations about reasonable amounts of time.

Sorry you’ve had a frustrating morning. Does she have a clock?

SnarkyBag · 16/03/2023 11:09

You need to follow a routine that doesn’t allow for distractions so sounds like after breakfast getting dressed straight after would be better rather than letting her start to play. Set a timer for when she’s dressing and have her get dressed in the same room as you. Sorry but you need to be less passive and monitor her.

cancelling the morning out is OTT

Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 11:09

@MetaDaughter I was sat with her asking her to get ready, sat with the clothes ready

OP posts:
Thatwastheweekthatwasnt · 16/03/2023 11:10

Sounds like her idea of a nice day off is sitting inside in her pajamas having a quiet day with her toys.

LittleOwl153 · 16/03/2023 11:11

My view of a 4yr old is a bit warped by time ...
However you are describing my 9yr old... and sometimes my 14yr old....

The younger one gets distracted by books, lego, drawing absolutely anything before getting ready for school. And he is perfectly capable of getting himself dressed from clothes in his wardrobe... when is its him.

The difficulty you have is where to go from here. Clearly she needs to learn that she needs to do as she is told when it comes to getting sorted... and that to not do so has consequences. The problem with giving up and not doing anything is that you then get " but we're not going tondo X anyway as noone else is ready" yes DD14 I'm looking at you who causes more problems than many...

Have you tried timers and sticker charts? We use 'Alexa' on speakers in bedrooms but she might not be old enough for that yet? Have a look for ADHD related to a 4yr old... before anyone jumps I'm not suggesting she has adhd I just know there are some useful tools/techniques out there developed with Adhd in mind which might help (used alot by my older child - so what we use wouldn't be appropriate to share for a 4yr old!)

Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 11:11

@Natty13 Get off my arse? Are you serious, have you read me posts? I got the clothes ready as I always do, got myself ready, came down, tv was off, said it was time to get ready etc, holding her clothes, she refused, I put her toys away, which she shouted and screamed about etc etc, what part of that is me sitting on my arse?!

OP posts:
EVHead · 16/03/2023 11:12

Good grief stop being so wet and get her dressed! Five minutes and you’d have been ready to go, rather than passively sitting about.

Remmy123 · 16/03/2023 11:12

At 4 I had to help my kids get ready to jog them along if I waited I'd never get out of the door! They have no concept of time at that age