Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Absolutely this, all dressing to be done before children go downstairs in the monring then everyone is ready for the day

The best advice I ever heard about parenting was, you just get used to managing one set of behaviours with your child, then they change again and you’ve a whole new set of ‘challenges’ to deal with.

I was once told 9 to 12 is the perfect age. They are old enough to do most things by themselves, still love and want their mummy and haven’t got to the moody teenage years. Not true in all cases, but there will be a year or two when it’s mostly true with the majority of children.

This tends to be an issue when grown ups let toddlers make all the decisions. Why are you waiting til 10am to get her dressed if you want to be up and out? To be honest I think you need to stop trying to negotiate with a toddler. Stop asking her and just dress her, no negotiating. No toys. No discussion. She either does as she's told or doesn't go out. I think you're over complicating things by trying to negotiate with a very small child that doesn't have the capacity to negotiate. Don't start the routine off by 'asking' her when you already know she isn't going to listen. If you want her dressed and out, there shouldn't be any distractions for her to want to do more than getting dressed.

I started to half dress my dd in her sleep. She is perfectly able to dress herself, but if we are in rush or on a deadline I start her off. She is my 4th, I don't have the time for getting it right or perfect. So I think you pick your battles and if your in rush you make it happen

I wouldn't get into a standoff about this sort of thing... It's a nice day out, it's not like you have to be on time for school. The natural consequence of mucking about is that she gets less time out where you're going. Not worth ruining the day over, though I can see why you're annoyed.

With my 5yo, I wake him in the morning for school with his clothes to hand and there's no breakfast or TV until he's ready to go except shoes. There's no chance of him getting distracted because he doesn't leave his room until he's dressed - I stay with him until he's done it, moaning and all. Then we go down together, have breakfast and the TV goes on for 20 minutes while I feed the baby and get the baby and myself ready to go. He has to put his own shoes on during this time and I end up having to ask him around 5 times (much improved now, originally it was 20 times!) - it would take forever if he was left to do the whole thing by himself. If we were going out for the day, I'd march him upstairs and stand over him while he dressed, or at least be in the corridor shouting encouraging, since otherwise we wouldn't leave that day!

I would give a 3 minute warning. Then after three minutes I would count to ten with a consequence happening if I get to 10. In this circumstance I wouldn’t make it no trip out because you wanted that too but I might put a toy on the top shelf for a day. Probably the one that was distracting her. Unless that toy was a specially cuddly or something.

I think this is actually a good example of natural consequences.
Lots of help and encouragement given but ultimately the child did not co operate and thus the loss of the trip out because she wasn't ready.
Although, I think this lesson becomes even more effective if you then give her the chance to get it right.
So, you say to the child, 'well, we missed going out this morning but there is still time this afternoon - but you have to get ready when it's time to go. Ok?' Then give her a 10 minute alarm to finish the game or activity then one final reminder. If she drags her feet again, coats and shoes off and the trip out is cancelled. No drama, no fuss.

You just get her dressed. Honestly it’s ridiculous to whinge that a 4 year old has taken too long to get herself dressed, create some arbitrary cut off time that you haven’t communicated and the flounce that it’s much too late at 10something am to go out for the day.

Your 4 year old isn’t going to take anything from this ‘lesson’. You actually aren’t achieving anything.

I'd leave the forcing her to get dressed on her own for the weekends. On a day that I'd made plans, I'd have gotten her dressed. Now you've just punished yourself.

My son is 4 and although he physically can get himself dressed himself, he often wont when I ask him to. If I want a nice peaceful morning and to get out of the house smoothly I choose my battles and I'll help him get dressed, make it into a game etc.
4 year olds aren't reasonable

She's 4
Get her dressed before there are any distractions then she can go downstairs and if you're on a schedule everything has a timer.

I think your expectations are a bit high. My 4 yr old needs help to get ready - she hasn't got the attention or the skills to do it all herself yet. I ask her "shall we do tops or bottoms first?" and she chooses, then she can take off her Pyjamas herself and then I help her through the head hole and she puts arms in herself, and she can put her own underwear on. Needs help getting feet through leggings. Its a collaboration and that's fine with me. I try and organise the morning so she gets dressed either first thing before we leave her bedroom, or right after breakfast so she's in a happy and satisfied mood which makes the process easier. Basically I do it before she's got stuck into playing.

Is she your only OP? You have more of this to come! Lower your expectations as they're quite unrealistic, just because your DD can get dressed herself doesn't mean she will do it every time it needs doing.

At 4yo I had to dress my child if I wanted to get out of the house. I still dress him at 6yo otherwise we wouldn’t get to school on time. I think your expectations are a bit high.

I think this is the natural consequence of parents allowing pyjamas downstairs. (I’m not British and in our culture pyjamas outside the bedroom are considered the height of slovenliness).

Our house has always been “pyjamas in bed only”, so first thing in the morning 3.5yo DS gets a little help with brushing teeth and getting dressed, parents also do teeth & clothes at the same time, then we all go downstairs for breakfast.

Tantrums and upset happen of course, but at least everyone is ready to leave the house if/when needed, so that’s one major stressor eliminated.

Our house has always been “pyjamas in bed only”, so first thing in the morning 3.5yo DS gets a little help with brushing teeth and getting dressed, parents also do teeth & clothes at the same time, then we all go downstairs for breakfast.
Don't know if I have exceptionally messy children but rarely do they leave the breakfast table unscathed. Bits of weetabix stuck to them, milk spilt down their fronts. I can't get them dressed before breakfast or they'd be turning up to school looking a right state.

They do go back up after breakfast to get dressed though.

I still have to dress DS at 5, he won’t do it himself. Not that he can’t, he just won’t. It’s a load of silliness and mucking about and me getting stressed so I do it myself instead. Takes the stress right out of it, he still acts silly but it’s more us spending that 10mins being silly together that he enjoys while he still gets clothes on in a quick enough time frame I don’t start yanking my hair out.

@DappledThings I agree, my son is always dropping cereal down his front! i find that using muslins as bibs work well in protecting his clothes.

OP you've had a good few tips and tricks so I hope it helps pick and choose what you may take on board/try next time

I would have asked DS three times and on the third refusal dressed him myself! At that age they are still testing the boundaries of how far they can push their parents buttons!

Mind you, maybe the thought of an ice cream in a beach cafe in winter wasn't her idea of a good time - maybe you should have offered a hot chocolate and a cake instead?!

@DappledThings Mine is less messy now, when he was younger I was tucking a muslin down his front. Now if he drops a speck of porridge on his shirt I give it a dab with a damp cloth.

@ShimmeringShirts This is similar to my approach - silly together for a few moments, then “race” to see who can dress fastest. I also use words he finds funny, like “stop dawdling”, “don’t dilly-dally” etc. It’s not 100% all the time, but more often than not it goes smoothly.

People are being harsh here! A headstrong 4 year old can be frustrating when you have somewhere to be. I found getting in a routine really helped and rather using time as a measurement which they don't really have a concept of; saying we are going to get dressed then we can do x.

I actually agree that pyjamas downstairs do cause the trouble! Like some PP have said I learned when my eldest child was about 3 that on mornings where we had to be at nursery/work/anywhere else, getting dressed had to be the first thing they did in the bedroom, before going downstairs. It's still the same now, My 7 year old ND kid can get himself dressed pretty quickly without much prompting in his bedroom, on a school morning. But on a weekend morning when he's come downstairs in pjs and watched TV/played etc, it's a painful process of nagging and more nagging to get him dressed and breakfasted!

Yeah but, it was 10:40 am. Considering most 4 year olds are awake by 7:30, that means the OP had had 3ish hours to get her dressed.

If ever my four year old was totally absorbed in her toys, absolutely regardless of what our plans were for the day, I'd consider it an absolute win and start doing whatever I wanted to do. My only restriction would be I had to be in the house, but otherwise the world was my oyster. Tv, read, exercise video, wash the windows, nap and day dream. I'd have the day bag and picnic packed, by the door and ready to go at whatever time they showed up. If it went past lunch, we'd have the picnic in the garden. There is zero value stressing here.