Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

This thread has been really awful, sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of it, you’re doing great

She's 4. Anything a 4 year old does or doesn't do is the parents' fault.

If you're having this much trouble with her at 4.5, heaven help you in 10 years' time!

If this was a one off, there's no issue. If however, she regularly refuses to get dressed when you tell her to, then you need to address the issue. Take back the reins, establish a routine of you getting her dressed until you feel she can be trusted to dress herself in a timely fashion. What is the school day routine, is it different to the day you have spoken about?

Hi @Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee - my DD is also almost 5 and she is EXACTLY the same as your DD. She has discovered she can say no, ignore us and actively choose to do the opposite of what we need to do… one example, ‘can I take my seatbelt off now?’ -‘not yet, let’s wait until the car has stopped’- ‘I’ve done it anyway’…. And that is a mild example. I also feel dreadful. Like you, every single morning has the potential to be a battle and I have no idea how difficult that battle will be.

my approach is also similar to yours and your morning sounds like it could be one of ours word for word! I totally understand why you took that approach, said no to ice cream and now feel awful with all these comments too on this thread.

Facebook keeps feeding me videos on gentle parenting and active parenting … and a whole host of other things I should be doing that are better than anything I can muster.

Your thread has made me feel so much better than it isn’t just my DD that does this and it isn’t just me that feels the exact same way as you do. I hope by writing this, you can also feel the same, that it isn’t just you and your DD! I don’t think you need to feel bad or guilty about how you choose to deal with and parent your DD… harsher, softer, active or whatever… they would probably all have a similar outcome anyway!

Everything is just a phase and at 4/5 I am sure they are just full of emotions and testing boundaries. Try to keep calm and go easy on yourself! you are doing a fabulous job I’m sure! Xxx

I would have done the same and on future days out set the expectation when your getting ready, like say "time to get dressed as we need to leave soon, if you don't get ready in time we wont be able to go" maybe do this with some non ticket type days out that you can cancel last minute, sure after missing out a few times she will realise you mean business and get her butt into gear to get ready in time. Stick to your guns.

She’s 4. Be her parent not her ‘friend’!
Get her dressed & leave the house.
If she kicks off deal with her behaviour BECAUSE SHE IS 4 & has not yet learned what all her emotions are or how to regulate them.

Clearly she is pushing back today, for whatever reason, & you being passive aggressive about it is not going to help her learn anything.

Make getting dressed a game & reward her for doing so.
Set a timer on your phone & remind her to ask for help if she gets stuck; IF you want her to get herself dressed.
Have a reward & lots of positive praise waiting for her, stickers work best in my experience & are cheap, when she is done.

Honestly at this age kids literally behave like they belong in an insane asylum a lot of the time.
Their outbursts & behaviours often have no rhyme or reason to them because they are just learning how to deal with feelings & emotions.
Who-else would have a meltdown because they can’t go in a lion enclosure, you won’t let them eat dog poop, you won’t let them shave their head like daddy, they don’t like grass today, they don’t like blue today, their crisp touches another crisp IN THE CRISP PACKET etc etc 🙄

I was dealing with slightly older children than this, but as a teacher, I sometimes found that it boiled down to them wanting drama without consequences, and instead getting consequences without drama.
No point with a younger child with no idea of time, but if old enough to know full well that they are wallying about, a missed opportunity can be salutary, with a calm expression of regret when something they actually wanted has been missed.
It has to be said, keeping apparently unmoved by nonsense was very difficult at times, and I didn't have the emotional involvement of it being my own offspring, and as a PP said, they take time to reach the age of reason.
As for another child of your daughter's age correcting her; don't be taken in. She was probably relishing the smug self-righteousness of being in the right this time, conveniently not mentioning (or even remembering) the moment when they were doing the selfsame thing!
The glee with which they grass one another up at a slightly older age is something to see, and they may need reminding that they are no plaster saint themselves, but that would be an unneccesarily unkind thing to say to such a young child.
I retain a deep respect for anyone who teaches, or deals with, mad little tinies.

Good comment.
To be honest my 11yr old is less helpful & motivated than my 5yr old was so I had it pretty easy at that age but she still had her moments.
We used to get dressed together & make it a race.
She always won because ‘I’m so slow’ but 99.9% of the time it worked.

Anecdotal story & I am a short, sharp shock type of mum…
My DD, age 5 at the time, removed her seatbelt after being told not to & that it was dangerous.
I put it back on her, gave her 3 opportunities to learn this rule, & the last time I put the belt back on I reminded her that the reason for the belt was to save her in the event of an accident as she could be thrown out of her carseat if she wasn’t secured in it.
She said that would be funny so i did a controlled exercise…
On a quiet weekend we went for a drive to the PlayFactory; which is on an industrial estate that has lots of roads & very little traffic on the weekend.
Despite being reminded not to remove her seatbelt until the car was parked & engine off she released it once she saw the PlayFactory signs so i breaked for a fake accident.
She didn’t leave her seat completely but she certainly shifted forward enough to make her think seriously about the situation. She would have had nothing to stop her coming out of the seat if we had been going faster or I had braked harder.
The shock of her shifting forward in her car seat was enough for her to see cause & effect of not listening when it came to seatbelts.
That seatbelt went back on so fast & never came off during a journey again… lol
I’ve hidden in shops, where I can see her obviously, when she has refused to listen & stay by my side so she could learn how important it is to listen to & keep visual contact with her safe grownups in big places.
Every day is filled with lots of learning opportunities we just need to manage them safely & carefully so as not to traumatise our little lunatics 😂

Hi! This isn’t a behaviour problem.. she’s just 4. Mine is the same and I just have to make her get dressed whether she likes it or not. It’s hard work 🤣 and I’m often sweating at the end as she’s trying to get them off while I’m trying to get them on. Lol completely feel for you but I wouldn’t let it ruin the whole day .. once she’s dressed go out anyway.. but I’m a bit of a push over with my daughter x

She's four. Still a little child who gets distracted. I'd have jollied her into getting ready, and helped her.

I agree with @Imisssleep2 that you have to let her know early on what the consequences are if she doesn't do what she's told in a timely manner. I've reread your first post and I suspect part of the problem is that you're not explaining things clearly/at the correct time and therefore confusing her.

Tell her to get dressed and cheerfully explain the plan "Dd, time to get dressed and ready, as soon as you're ready we're going to the beach and going to have ice cream!" I agree with all those who've said to turn getting dressed into a fun game.

I know some posters have suggested just dressing her yourself but I gather that isn't an option for you if she's as strongwilled as you say and kicks/hits you.

If she gets dressed praise her, if you're using a system such as the star chart let her put a star on the chart.

If she refuses/ignores your instruction to get dressed I would suggest you give her a clear warning in a calm manner, "Dd if you're not dressed with shoes on in the next x minutes we'll have to cancel the plan, no ice cream or day at the beach".
Set a timer that she can watch and stay with her to help/remind her. Even if she still refuses/ignores you remain calm, don't let her know you might be feeling stressed or frustrated.

If the timer goes off and she still isn't dressed then calmly say "dd that's too bad, you didn't want to get ready before the timer went off so that means we're not going to the beach and getting ice cream today."

By saying all this you're kindly but firmly letting her know that her refusal to do as she was told has consequences, she will also see that you mean what you say and that you are being a calm, confident adult in her life that won't be pushed around and get stressed and give in to her demands/naughty behaviour.

Hopefully you will only have to cancel plans a few times before she gets the message that if she refuses to do as she's told then she misses out.
In the meantime be prepared to do something else together instead like take the dog for a walk/go to the shop/do something at home if you have to tell her the original plan is cancelled.

It can be more challenging when you have a headstrong child, especially if she kicks and screams, has full blown tantrums but it is manageable. Have a clear plan of action e.g. if you want her to do something and you know she's likely to kick off then know in advance how you're going to react, what the consequences will be if she doesn't do as she's told, if she's ignoring you make sure to give her a warning (in a kind voice, no threats or anger!) of what the consequence will be so she has the opportunity to avoid it.

Make sure that whatever she loses out on is in the near future, since 4 year olds can't understand time as we do it's no use saying something at the beginning of the week like "if you dont do x now I won't allow to do y next weekend".

Lots and lots of praise when she does what's asked.

Planning ahead will help you feel more in control as I sense you feel out of your depth and are likely reacting in the moment. She is then picking up on your stress which makes the whole situation worse. Being so little she's only just learning to regulate her emotions and picking up on her parent's stress will just make her anxious.

There have been some horrible posts on this thread but a lot of helpful advice too which I hope you will read through and take onboard. I hope you find a solution that works

If she was 14 I’d get it.
She’s 4.. surely you can just get her ready? Help her, make it fun, do it together!!

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’ve had rather a lot of less-than-kind and supportive replies. I only read the first page of them and felt a bit shocked tbh especially as you clearly were asking for help.

Parenting can be tough sometimes. My 3 DCs have all gone through phases of being headstrong and awkward about various things. My DD 6 really dug her heels in this week about going to bed when I asked her,something she had never done before.

In your case I’d perhaps make getting dressed a bit fun by challenging her to do it before the timer ends after 3 mins or play the Mission Impossible theme tune and finish by then. Then lots of praise and a happy dance. When my DCs were 4 I’d sometimes call loudly “I bet you won’t be dressed by the time I come back in the room in 3 mins while making a big show of covering my eyes so as not to see her getting dressed and she loved proving me wrong.

Sometimes when you’re the one in the situation it’s hard to see things objectively and see a way out of them when we feel frustrated. Please don’t doubt your parenting skills though; we are all learning all the time and none of us are perfect mums.

Sometimes when you’re the one in the situation it’s hard to see things objectively and see a way out of them when we feel frustrated. Please don’t doubt your parenting skills though; we are all learning all the time and none of us are perfect mums.

So true @Summergarden

I get my 5 year old dressed every day. I have 4 boys and have never once had an issue getting them ready for anything. You are creating an unnecessary issue for you both. Grab her pants, hold them in front of her and help her into them. She's 4.

I get my 5 year old dressed every day. I have 4 boys and have never once had an issue getting them ready for anything. You are creating an unnecessary issue for you both. Grab her pants, hold them in front of her and help her into them. She's 4.

You do have an issue - you have the issue of children not being able to sort themselves out so when they go to school they can’t get ready for PE or whatever and need ‘help’ meaning the teachers have to get them ready - how ridiculous you don’t teach them to be independent.

You’ll be that parent who does all their kids washing and ironing every week.

OMG my 6yo is the same. Drives me insane. Then I accidently hit upon a solution - a checklist stuck to the fridge with things she needs to do to get ready, and magnets (we got them free with a magazine, but you can buy them on amazon) to stick in the check boxes when she's done the job. Things like: get dressed, put socks on, put shoes on, brush hair, put water bottle in bag, put coat on, put bag on. She loves it. Asked for one to get ready for bed. All of a sudden she's busy and responsible. Maybe helps that I'm totally prepared for her to go to school in just her pants or pajamas if she's not ready.

Just to go against the grain.
I think cancelling the ice cream because she didn’t get ready when asked is great, and I wouldn’t have backed down.
I think you’re doing a great job, and that she’s just testing boundaries!
my daughter used to do this, an easy child then suddenly I’d have a hellish week with her having tantrums and being stubborn…. I found that as long as I stuck to my guns and reinforced rules, she’d soon stop pushing and go back to her normal self.
Maybe after today she’ll get dressed faster next time!?

Can't remember what my own were like at that age but DGD 5 sometimes stays in the holidays and can drag her feet a bit about stuff like this. I find that getting cross/impatient tends to be counterproductive and I try not to let it show. I usually try to chivvy her up by being funny/pretending to be a monster etc which mostly seems to work.

I've forgotten what dd was like at that age but I probably still dressed her myself. She'll be 50 in October.

I'm sorry you have had so many shitty responses. There's a lot of nasty people out there hanging around to sink the boot in. Been on the end of it too - hence my username 🙄

This is a phase that will pass. Just take the path of least resistance. Try to get her dressed before she does anything else, and then reward that with a quick play - so she learns that the quicker she gets dressed, the sooner she gets to play.

Please ignore all of those who think it's big and clever to dig the boot in. Only showing themselves up.

@carpool - bet it's been a while since you last dressed her!!

Seriously not that easy when you have a very head strong 4 year old... my daughter will bat me off and refuse to get into her clothes despite me trying to help her.