Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Agreed. If you’ve had a battle over getting dressed, then it’s not unreasonable to say “look - if you don’t get dressed now, then we won’t be going because it’ll be too late/too busy/they’ll only be serving lunch (or whatever)”. But if it came out of the blue that you weren’t going (and it’s still practical to go), then I’d probably carry on with the trip as planned.

It’s definitely a behaviour problem, not an organisational problem

Have you thought about things like egg timers to help then? “Carry on colouring until all the sand has gone through and then you will get dressed”

often visual things can help with transitions

Get firmer with your boundaries then. If you establish one stick to no matter how she behaves. If you say no, do not cave in.

I’m sorry but at 4.5 I do think your expectations are too high and this is coming from someone who is frequently called draconian by other MN’ers! I have a similar aged child who is very independent but no way would she get herself dressed if I wasn’t literally in front of her passing her each clothing item and chatting.

With my little boy who is 5 (just in February), this might be unusual but if it's a school day/we have to leave by say 9.30am, then he's never played before we have left the house. It's always been this way since he was a baby. I always just thought it would be additional faff to stop them playing and get out of the house! (that and on a school day we dont really get up early enough to have time)

On a school day he watches tele in bed while I get ready (wake up anywhere from 7.20-7.40), around 8 he gets out of bed and starts to get dressed himself. If he needs help or doesn't want to get dressed, for the sake of the nicer morning, I just get him dressed myself. As I flit around the kitchen packing the bags with the lunch I've made the night before, he puts his shoes and coat on and waits by the front door. Breakfast (if any as he usually doesnt want any) would be a breakfast bar or fruit on the way to school, But occasionally he has eaten in bed before also (gross!). It's always been this way since he was small.

On a weekend where we do venture down the stairs I would just remind him only one or two toys out as we are going out for xx, and just keep reminding as they do forget. Then do the usual countdown ie leaving in 10 minutes, leaving in 5 minutes.

Then the only tips I could give if she's difficult to pull away from the playing is make it a race ie I bet I can put my shoes on faster than you, and if she's competitive it usually works with my boy. Alternatively the slightly harsher one if she's not listening is saying that your going to go out, and if shes not coming then you will just go on your own. :) this usually works with my son as he hates being left alone (as I said we have our routine kind of perfected so I very rarely need to use this) but if your girl is fine to be on her own she may just say fine and it not work anyway! :)

This sounds very normal for a 4/5 year old. We usually have to do one or all of the following: pause the TV; say ‘Daddy will leave without you if you don’t get dressed’; tell him you won’t get to do xyz if you don’t get dressed; make it a competition to beat one of his siblings to be dressed first; set a timer for him to get dressed before it goes off. It’s relentless.

It is amusing me though, the thought of calmly putting his clothes out and saying, ‘there you go sweetheart, you get dressed, we’re leaving at 10’ and coming back expecting him to be ready to go! 😆

if it's behavourial rather than organisational then perhaps the best route forward isn't "time outs" but just you will be going with her or without her (of course we know you wouldnt be going without her!) but hopefully the threat/putting your shoes and coat on would be enough to snap her out of what shes going and think , oh I better get dressed if I want to go out aswell

if she insists on playing then get her dressed before playtime then its half the battle already done.

It is raining where I am but I would maybe go to the shops and pick up some choc ices with the shopping. Blanket on the floor and pretend a beach day. No need to let the morning mistakes carry into the afternoon.
I recall my dd taking 7 minutes to put a sock on. She got quicker and more confident, as they do.

I feel your pain OP, encouraging my son to dress makes me want to put my head through the wall. Hopefully you can salvage some of the day.

Don't offer a threat you've no intention of carrying out. It lessens the weight of all future threats when they see through it!

i would try hard not to give a punishment ie we're not going now because of lost time , because then theres no motivation for her to then get ready/shes just got ready and now theres no reward, therefore she hasnt really learnt for next time to get ready quicker if you see what I mean. she will only remember that she got ready, then didnt get to go out anyways. with 3/4/5 year olds its very hard but it has to be reward/encouragement more than sanctions I feel. reward good behaviour and ignore (try not to punish) behaviour you dont want.

Why are you arguing with a 4 year old?

Distract her (make laugh), get her dressed and go out.

Though you're arguing with us too... 😁

I asked her to please get ready first

Too complicated. Break it down to single words if necessary. “Pants.” Then “T-shirt.” Stand over her and repeat the same words. Don’t get angry, just repeat each command calmly.

I still have to do this with my 10 year old sometimes; he’s too distractible and has no concept of time or urgency. Yes it’s frustrating and you should just be able to say “Now go upstairs and get dressed” but most children aren’t like that. Keep it simple, don’t negotiate, keep repeating what you want them to do.

@Thatwastheweekthatwasnt thanks, as I said this does depend on the child :) i know its simply enough to put my shoes on and unlock the front door for my son to get into gear.

I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed.

I think this is too much executive functioning to expect of a 4/5 year old. She was in the middle of playing, and you just put out her clothes and asked her to get ready and left her to it. That is what I'd expect of a child of around 7.

She would have been totally absorbed in her toys, it's very hard at that age for them to pull themselves away. When you spoke to her, her attention was probably mostly on her toys. That's normal for her age.

Try taking away the toys/ tell her to tidy up as the first step, THEN put out the clothes, get her to help you with choosing them etc. You need to remove the toys before you ask her to do something else.

THEN, when the distraction is gone and there is nothing else to do, you tell her to get dressed.

I feel sad for her that she is asking you why you can't go for an ice cream - surely that tells you she was confused by it all and something is getting lost in communication between you. She's too young to do what you are asking of her and you need to support/ break it down more.

Just to echo probably, she's 4. You help them at that age. Proper stand over job. They don't have a sense of urgency at that age.

Urgh. This is my heart favourite part of parenting. I didn't mind so much as agreed 4/5 but my DD is 10 and still needs supervision to get ready.
My DS is not like this, she just had no sense of time and her exec function is rubbish (neuro diverse - not that yours is, she just sounds like a normal kid with a stubborn streak), we have coping strategies that help and we are scaffolding her up so I hope we'll get there one day.
However what helped at that age was to not react to the big cross emotions, just calmly listen and then say words to the effect of, 'do you want an ice cream?' she says yes and you calmly say 'then you need to put your trousers on now'.
Then reinforce the positive like 'it will be lovely to go out for a treat won't it, shall we listen to our favourite music on the way too?'

Omg! I would love this!!!
My DD will distract herself constantly and then deny it is having any effect on our ability to leave the house. 😮‍💨

@ShapesAndNumbers i agree, the time out doesnt help and if anything worsens/over complicates the situation.

OP in your post, you said you were cross and frustrated, keep calm and fluffy if you can.

Some children find it very hard to transition from one activity to another. It’s a straightforward developmental thing.

The fact she can physically put her own clothes on is not the same as being in the right mindset to actually get dressed.

Im sure I was still helping my Dd at 4, 5 and 6 years. It may be as simple as just helping her taking her pyjamas off, then her mind goes into the ‘getting dressed mode’

Im sure I can remember helping my Dd and we sang silly songs at the same time. It’s the same reason that children don’t want to leave a playground even when we’ve told them we are leaving in 15, then 10, and 5 minutes.

It is very frustrating at this age, but you do need to help them along. I think I tended to use distraction to bridge the transition.

I had this a couple of times. My solution was to say we’re going out in 10 minutes, I want you dressed otherwise you’re going out in your pyjamas. When they didn’t get dressed, they were taken out in pyjamas. I took clothes with to get them dressed of course. One of them was taken to school in their pyjamas. Never had a problem with getting them dressed again.

@Annoyingwurringnoise Also a good solution!