Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

so glad to hear it xx

@goodfriend 💕

@Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee
i can definitely relate to every little thing being made into a refusal! kids go through so many stages, and once your over one its into the next of them being a pain but in a different way, haha. i didnt mean to be bitchy, so sorry if it came across that way - but honestly you have had some really good advice on here so you do unfortunately just have to ride out the crappy stages and get through them as easy as possible (for yourself!) xx just find what works for you and your DD

if you find her getting more headstrong/refusing then you do really have be fluffy fluffy nice positive parent helpful and encouraging as best you can, but equally firm when you need to be ie if you dont get dressed you will go out in your pjs (as another mum suggested which i love!)

These are basics here, basic things you can do to prevent all this. I'm sure you know that. but if she's screaming at you, then you have bigger problems. Is there SN here possibly?

People do forget that some DC are far more compliant than others.

Mine were very compliant when young, definitely appeared in their teens 🤣

@RandomMess yes but a 4/5 year old you should be able to get out of the door in the morning when you want??

How to talk, so your kids will listen. Book. Basics.

Do you want blue socks or Red Socks? are you going to put them on or shall I? shall we do it now or in one minute time?

It's clever. They seem like choices. But actually the child had no choice at all. That's why it's clever.

I have a 4 and a half year old and there’s no way he would bother getting dressed unless I got the clothes and started to help him. He’s capable of doing it but he gets distracted and has no concept of time… it’s frustrating I know but just say come on, you’re getting dressed now, be firm and get on with it.

Would she like to get dressed with you? I started doing 'getting dressed races' with my son from when he was about 3, of course I used to let him win.
Now (he's 7) it's kind of a habit that on a school day he gets up when his alarm goes off, does his teeth etc in the bathroom then brings his clothes to my room and we get dressed at the same time. Even on weekends I often tell him when I'm getting dressed and he goes to choose his outfit so he can join in.
Maybe it's a case of finding something that works for you and trying to work it in to a routine, that just happens...
Just an idea, appreciate it might not work for you.

I think it seems harsh on your DD to expect so much....they are in a world of their own. I would say your day was ruined because of you not your 4 year old daughter.

I have a nearly 4yo boy.

I work from home and we live next door to his nursery/school so I don’t get to go for a nice “walk to school” so like to get him out and go for a few laps along the street before it gets busy.

So many mornings I’d leave him to his own devices and he would not get ready, resulting in no walk which had a huge impact on my mood/headspace for the day.

Now he comes upstairs with me, no is not an option and we get ready together. I lie his clothes out on my bed for him in the right order and direct him as I put mine on.
I think your daughter probably needs more direction like this.

Pleased you’ve managed to get out but I highly recommend changing up how you do things to save your expectations and sanity

@Oblomov23 I have wondered this over the last year.

This was literally me with my 5 year old DD two weeks ago! I honestly could have wrote this. Just got to remember that kids are almost always in present mode, so when you were asking her to get dressed, in her mind, she was just having a great time playing with her toy, she wasn’t thinking about what plans you’ve made, they have no concept of time… so, make getting dressed exciting, make it a race, tell them they get a prize if they get dressed, the prize being they get to have an ice cream at the beach! It’s exhausting having to turn a simple task into a game, but I do find things get done quicker that way.

She’s still so young! I always helped my dd at that age; or at least was in room with her,chatting. Why couldn’t she have a chilled morning playing first? My dd is now 12 and still getting out the door takes some time occasionally ! It’s frustrating… but at your dd age time just doesn’t really have a concept and playing is always better!

I lay everyone's clothes out on a morning and will let DS (5) know at intervials that we will be getting dressed in 20mins,10mins after I've finished XYZ etc...so he has plenty of warning and I'm not just stopping him from playing, which can annoy him.

I also play "Turbo dressed" which is just me basically making silly noises and dressing him as quick as possible! He finds this funny and doesn't seem like a big task to him as he's ready in a flash and can get back to playing.

Some mornings I'll dress my two before they come down for breakfast which saves faffing too.

He's very independent, but I still help as on school mornings as it's quicker and stops him from getting flustered/irritated if he puts something on wrong.

I'd have had a firm word, but would have taken her out. For them the incidents all forgotten within the hour and the day doesn't have to be spoilt over one incident.

I'd be fun but firm.

@BestBeforeDatex yes but what approach you use varies massively.

If I asked my DC to get dressed now they would do it! One of them had to finish playing her imaginary games but would carry on as she got dressed and there was zero point in trying to "hurry"'her far quicker to factor in 5 mins factor.

My best friend's DD said an automatic "no" to everything. TBF you could chivvy her along but she was not "compliant" 70% of the time.

It's about what works for each child and some really are NOT compliant by nature and that is hard work.

I was sat with her asking her to get ready

She's four! How is she supposed to dress herself?

Shove her into tops and trousers if need be. Don't just sit there passively and watch her struggle.

It’s because this is MN OP, not reality. On here only nicey nicey soppy parenting is allowed and bad behaviour is rewarded with cuddly chata rather than discipline. FWIW I’d have done like you and taught her that arsing about rather than getting dressed means no treat out. It’s on your terms, you’re the parent. She can’t set the timetable of the day.

I’ve got a nearly 4-year-old DD and A just-5 year old DD and I have to dress the three-year-old and stand over the five year old to get them dressed and out the door in the morning… Otherwise, we would never leave the house! I think your expectations are a bit high

Glad you had a nice day in the end.
One thing I read recently is that we often say to our children “not now” or “in a minute”, but expect them to stop what they’re doing instantly when we tell them. So giving them a countdown or saying something like “I can see you’re playing with the cars, let’s line them all up at the car wash and then we’ll get you dressed” (or whatever applies to their game) can be more effective. Or letting them get to the end of an episode on the TV (or save point on a game when they’re a bit older).

This!!
she is four years of age, stand there whilst she gets dressed! 😵‍💫

If mine messed about getting ready for school I'd tell them if they weren't dressed they were going in pyjamas. I don't think they believed me but they didn't want to chance it.

I think asking her might be the problem. Asking implies that they have a choice e.g. "Can you get ready now please." Answer "No I'm doing this." tell her don't ask her.

I think you need to adjust your expectations truthfully - you had this idea in your head of what this day was going to be like and because it didn't start the way you planned it caused you to feel overwhelmed and pissed off that the day was 'ruined'

I am not insulting you here - it's so easy to get frustrated when dealing with little people who want to do what they want and do not have the same comprehension that we as (most!) adults do.

I think the best thing I have learnt to do when I can feel it starting to bubble over is take myself off and breathe, count to 10, anything to calm that horrible overwhelmed feeling. Then try again.

It’s all your fault for letting a 4 year-old rearrange the planned day and dictate.
Typical modern soft parent.