Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

@namechange3394 Yes of course, lots of times

Jesus Wept parent your child, don't just sit there and wait for her to do it. Absolutely ridiculous letting a four year old determine the day like that. If she won't get dressed herself YOU dress her.

Whaaat?? She’s 4!!! Mine occasionally gets dressed herself but 9 times out of 10 I help her - I’ve got 4 kids age 11-2, we’d never make it anywhere if I expected all of them to get dressed by a particular time (on a day when we’re all off) without telling them to get dressed!

Just dress your still very small child and go out. Ffs.

Wow, thanks for the help everyone

Why are you asking her? You tell her!

Do you also ask her if she wants to go to school?
if she wants to brush her teeth?
If she wants to hold your hand when crossing a road?

Don’t ask. Tell. Get yourself ready and then give her the clothes removing from everything else and tell her it’s time to get ready and help her as needed.

Why are you asking her? Tell her to get ready. Or if you really want to give her a choice you say "are you going to get dressed all by yourself or do you want me to help you?"

Ohhh I dunno, maybe the bit where you said you were? "It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still."

But sure ignore the actual point of my post to argue over semantics. She is a child. A child with little concept of time, or boundaries. It's your job to teach her those things as she grows. It can be so difficult to know if you're doing the right thing or not, parenting is a bloody minefield sometimes but you can't be wasting the whole day upset and inside because she did something a normal 4yo would do.

It's still early, go out for the aalk and ice cream and enjoy the sunshine with your dd.

I think it’s great that she wants to dress independently. Was the time limit shown in a way a 4/5year old can comprehend like a countdown timer or a song? If not try that next time.

And if she’s not engaging make the consequence clear beforehand rather than taking away something afterwards. Eg “if you’re not going to dress yourself before the song is up then I’m going to do it for you.”

I agree with this, particularly being the one to drive the process.

I have an 8 and 5 year old. The 8 year old will get himself dressed without any cajoling. The 5 year old needs to be stood over a bit more. So when it's time to get dressed, I usually have to go in the room with him and encourage him at least a little bit. I help him take off his pyjama top to start the process.

Btw on school mornings I now insist the kids have to get into their uniforms before breakfast. Makes a huge difference!

Christ I still help my 8 year old. Shes a daydreamer and is still asleep 1/2 hour before we leave for school. Her bodyclock is naturally set at nightowl no matter what we try. We would never get there on time if I left it to her.

Now I would say to her right if you come and do your reading/help me make dinner/other simple task then we can go out and get that ice cream we where looking forward to!

I have a 5 and 7 year old. Every morning is one of us standing over them marching them back upstairs to do teeth and get dressed and reminding them to continue that task and continue and finish and put shoes on and put coats on. It's constant telling, if I left them with one instruction to get dressed we would rarely make it to school before morning break.

My 4 year old would be totally incapable of getting ready if I just left him with the vague instruction to get dressed. He has the attention span of a flea and I'd return to find him setting up a magic show or pretending to be a dinosaur. I will take him to his room, say OK PJ'S off, and he will get undressed while I get his socks and boxers, and then I help him into them/sometimes he can be coordinated enough to do it himself. We will pick what he's going to wear (he's a tracksuit kinda guy though), and then I'll pass it to him and provide running instructions and commentary...'yes, over your head, one arm in, now the other, oh no are you stuck, let's help you out, ok now pants, which leg first, careful you don't wobble over, now the other leg, oh amazing now a big jump to pull them up, you are a superstar, now just your jacket and we are done, see if you can get it on quick and go and surprise (older sibling) at how speedy you are'.

8 year old is better and generally will do what he's told with a couple reminders.

12 year old it depends what else she is interested in doing, sometimes she needs the most reminders of all.

I was telling her, believe me I make every effort, I asked her to please get ready first, a reasonable request at first. As she said no more and more, then I was telling her to. Aside from literally holding her kicking and screaming to get ready, what else could I do?

why is she kicking and screaming? That isn't a normal response to being dressed

I get it's frustrating, especially if you've had a day planned and you wanted it to go smoothly. Kids are frustrating though, regardless of how great they are. I know you said she had independently got herself dressed for a while but I would have just helped her to make it easier. I would still do the day you had planned and just chat to her when you're having your ice cream or whatever about working better together with getting ready. Hope the day gets better!

@goodfriend Because she’s become so headstrong, she was doing something and wanted to keep doing it. It’s always difficult nowadays, always a struggle

You put her in time out, so that was the punishment. Not going for an ice cream would be two punishments, or do I not understand how this works?!

I'm a pick your battles type of gal, does it matter if you get an ice cream now or at 3pm? Does it matter if you do painting now or later? If she's playing happily, get the kettle on, put your feet up for a bit. It's a day off, have a day off, unless you've got something booked it doesn't really matter what order it's in.

I don't take any crap on school mornings though, we're up, dressed and out the door with zero tolerance for fuss.

@IneedcoffeeinanIV I always help
her, she generally says she can do it by herself, but I’m there by her to help with tough buttons etc

Put the phone down. Stand outside your back door and breathe.

Plaster a smile on your face deep breath and a "right this morning wasn't the best was it shall we start again?"

I think the main thing I would do differently next time is warn about the consequence of not having time to go out if she doesn't get dressed now.

then it's a behaviour problem not an organisational problem, so I guess you are right to give her consequences. But could you give her a second chance now?

@Nc252525673 I had to get our dog some dog food, wanted a coffee, just wanted to be up and out, it was fairly relaxed as it was, we started getting ready at 10 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, she’s dressed and ready to go now, I said if she would help me to sweep up her oats from breakfast, she *might get an ice cream. Feel like I’m backing down though.

Everyone else seems to have it all sorted and to be so good at this…I used to feel the same, even when friends complained in the younger years how hard it was, I used to nod along, but really I didn’t find it that hard (aside from lack of sleep)
Its now I’m struggling, maybe it’s my turn now