Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Sounds like it's a daily struggle that just got a bit too much for you to cope with on this day.

My suggestions would be to get her to help pick which clothes she wants to wear, (even if its the socks/ pants etc on uniform days). Then get them on her straight away whilst focussing on talking about the pictures on the clothes or asking about what type of ice-cream she is going get when your out. Hopefully she'll forget that she is actually doing as you've asked so won't protest so much.

How are things today @Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee ?
Hope it's been a less stressful day.

It sounds like you are having a challenging time. There is lots of good advice on this thread, hope some works! For the daily struggles for school perhaps try looking at communication - the book ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ is great. I also love Janet Lansbury’s ‘no bad kids’ and her tips for parenting strong willed kids (such as maintaining a confident momentum when getting ready). we have to grow and evolve with our kids, but we adults set the tone of the relationship, which can be really hard at times, but for me at least, books help as there are often one or two things in each book that give insight or help in some way.

Don’t forget the basics - Could she be tired? Maybe try an earlier bedtime? (My nearly 5 year old still needs about 11.5 hours sleep to not be cranky!). If she is recovering from illness she might feel weak/weary still but unable to put it into words?

Are there any other changes that might be unsettling (new dog, new routine, even starting school can trigger different behaviours - they won’t last and you might cope better if you can understand a possible cause).

For the specific day off, it sounds like you were managing competing needs and expectations- your daughters wish to rest/play quietly, your dog’s need for exercise, your own need to get out the house and buy dog food. I’d probably have just put the god out in The garden, let her (your daughter) play until she got bored as you didn’t have a schedule and meanwhile made sandwiches for the beach, and turned it into a picnic with ice cream pudding.

I’d have let go of painting plans and let her play and gone to beach later - how you describe it, sounds like heaven - playing peacefully all morning?! That’s amazing!

I do understand how frustrating it is when I want to go out and the kids are just happy playing, I get cabin fever on some weekends, but it sounds like you re-grouped and had a nice day in the end :-)

https://www.google.co.uk/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwibutD2x-P9AhXzgFAGHQD8Da4YABAAGgJkZw&sig=AOD6410S1aWle11_COyLLkXyPx-BBl5-FQ&q&adurl&ved=2ahUKEwjz-8n2x-P9AhXOSsAKHZpxCZ4Q0Qx6BAgJEAE

Sorry, wrong link

Having an autistic child we still have get him ready at age 8 so to me that really doesn't sound too bad, normal in fact? She will get better naturally I'm sure. Xx

Dress her yourself. You won't be doing it at sixteen so don't worry

You are expecting way too much from a 4 year old! I was still helping my boys to get dressed at 4 years old - of course she’s going to play with toys instead of doing something boring like get dressed. Would have taken you 5 mins to get her dressed. And now you’re ruining your whole day. Very sad

I would tell her that she can play with her toys etc but in 5/10 mins she has to get ready when she is asked to. Keep counting down until she does it

Don't ask and done negotiate,

'Okay you have to get dressed now'

'I'm going to time 30 seconds let's see if you can get dressed in the time'

'Once you're dressed then we can x y z'

You are giving her way too much choice, ultimately I'd pick her up and put her in the car in her pjs with her clothes in a bag to put on when you get to wherever you're going.

She's only four?

Your expectations are totally unrealistic

Yes, you are

definitely this, you're expecting too much of a 4 year old

Why not try mixing it up a little. Instead of her coming downstairs in her pyjamas just make her get dressed first thing in the morning in her room. If she wants to watch tv / start playing with her toys, she can’t do that until she’s dressed.
we had the same problem with our DS, also four and this sorted the issue.

You do realise that she is a child? And that her not being dressed is YOUR fault! People aren’t born organised , you have to provide structure and routine and help them. Sounds like you need to get organised and then get the toys away until things are done. I would also suggest getting some help around parenting

You do realise that she is a child? And that her not being dressed is YOUR fault!

Would you honestly say that to another mum in real life?

What a shitty thing to say.

@KingHungDong Awful, isn’t it. The whole post has made me feel worse then when I first came on. I expected something so different.

I remember the grade school having a policy of 2 older children (12) to help dress the 5 and 6 year old kids in their jackets, hats, boots etc every day to go outside for recess and lunch. If they didn't help get the kids focused and dressed they never would have gone out. And that was the 5 and 6 year olds.

Oh yes I am a firm believer in giving them choices and picking yer fights. They want independence but aren't capable of it yet so give them what you can such as deciding what they are wearing, option of what to do first etc, worked wonders for us

Goodness. I'm quite taken aback by some of responses you've received on this thread. All the brilliant advice and supportive messages you've been given on here must be really hard to take on board amongst all the vitriol. And I'm so sad that those messages will have come from other parents, who will have all been there, and all struggled, and reached out for support at some point. I can only hope that they received kinder responses than you have had.

I found the book There's No Such Thing As Naughty really insightful. Definitely worth a read (or a listen on audible in you're as time poor as me!). I often return to it on the really difficult days.

Your child is very lucky to have a parent who cares enough about them and the relationship you have with them, to seek help to improve it.

This too shall pass xx

What you’ve got is the truth 🤷‍♀️
Your daughter is only 4 and you’re allowing her to rule the roost 🤷‍♀️

It’s telling that she didn’t understand why you couldn’t go for an ice cream. My son is almost 5 and is usually so engrossed in whatever activity he’s doing that he doesn’t even hear me asking him to do something until I’ve said it 5 times! There is no understanding of time or needing to get things done, they’re so little! They only see what is right in front of them. I know children have different levels of independence but I help him to get dressed and undressed every day.

I am in solidarity with you OP. Some of the comments on here are so surprising. We had the same issue with DS - we noticed a big difference in his level of defiance once he started nursery. The timer thing works for us as he is quite competitive. Sometimes we use phone timer or Alexa but we got him his own timer (a £1 ikea one which has a magnet on the back for sticking on the fridge) and he loves setting it and trying to beat the timer to get himself dressed. It works most of the time although we had a day off today and it felt like everything was a battle (I don't want to go there, I don't want to do that, I don't want to eat that, etc etc) so it's left me feeling very deflated - so I am with you! Tomorrow is a new day 😀

The problem is you. Your daughter is 4 years old. I have a 4 year old son who is literally the same age. I get his clothes for him, I say ‘ok we need to go and get dressed now’. I take him upstairs with his 2 year old sister and I get them both dressed. I’ll give him his top and wait to let him try himself and if he finds it a bit tricky I ask him if wants help. If he doesn’t want to get dressed, guess what, I get him dressed and tell him he has to because we have to go out. Is it annoying yes? Do I blame him for ruining the whole day and not go out? No of course not! He also gets distracted with toys while I’m getting him dressed, I just take it off him and remind him we’re getting dressed right now. Once both my kids are dressed I’ll be getting the shoes on the 4 year old to turn around and see the 2 year old has taken her socks off or her top. Or the other way round. That’s kids for you. You can’t blame them for ruining the a day. This is your problem. They are small children. I think you need to seriously reflect here on yourself.