DS16 and his almost 16 yo GF. Asked if he could sit in his bedroom.

[RedHaired50]

Please tell me your experiences.

DS16 has been seeing his lovely GF who is almost 16, for over 3 months. They get on great.

They have mostly been hanging out at his GF house, which is much bigger than ours. There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

DS has asked if his GF can come to ours. The only issue is, downstairs there is just a small living room and kitchen. He’s asked if they can sit in his bedroom. He’s already eye rolled and said no, they’re not going to have sex! (We have talked about this). It’s just somewhere they can chill out.

I feel bloody awful that our house is so small that he has no space to bring GF here to sit and chill out by themselves.

I do have GFs, DM number but I have no idea how to even ask if this would be ok with her.

I obviously told DS no for now.

Please tell me how you navigated this kind of situation.

^This with bells on.

Being a parent sometimes means saying 'no' to safeguard your child and the age of consent (which is not even high) is there to protect children, not so people can try to circumvent it (because bUs StOpS!).

We all know teenagers are subject to immense amounts of peer-pressure, as well as other social cues, that they must be sex positive in every way (or risk being called 'frigid', which is apparently the worse thing in the world at that age). Even more so with the normalisation of pornography. Adults providing teenagers with an out of 'mum said so' when they feel unsure, seems entirely responsible.

If anything, I might feel a bit uncomfortable that they are being left unsupervised at GF's house. But I think you are doing the right thing @RedHaired50 .

When my DD had her first BF (she was nearly 16,he was nearly 18 when they met), my starting point was - if they're going to have sex, there's nothing I can do to stop that. I either deal with it or go into denial and make it as difficult as possible, which would more than likely result in them having sex in some random, uncomfortable location, probably in not very safe circumstances.

Once I got my head round that, my outlook completely shifted and I realised the best thing I could do was make sure my DD was informed, confident to make her choices and make sure she was safe, happy and secure. I also made sure she completely understood the potential consequences and the reality that the boy/man can choose to walk away and she cannot. I made sure she had condoms, whether she thought she was going to have sex or not.

And the agreement we reached, after many discussions as to why/please no/ you can't etc, was

1.when he initially came round, they'd have to sit with me downstairs as we only have one reception room

2.Once I got to know him a little, after a few visits, I'd have 'responsibility of sex' talk with him, as well as the 'real sex isn't what you've seen online, and porn is a very different thing to relationship sex' talk (she'd forewarned him), as I had no idea what he had /hadn't discussed with his parents and it wouldn't be him risking pregnancy.

I taught online safety to children aged 6 - 19 as part of my job for 8 yrs and I'd say 80% of boys and a significant %age of girls get their sex ed from full on hard core online porn (most of which is for the male audience so the women are basically sex objects), because school curriculum is severely lacking and parents are too embarrassed. This can result in a really skewed, fucked up view of sex and intimacy.

It was a little uncomfortable but I'd rather that than a teen pregnancy.

Sex is sex. Most of us do it. Some start earlier than they should. Some are completely unprepared. Some are terrified of it - sometimes that's entirely the fault of parents.

As long as it's consensual, they know what they're doing and there's no 'power imbalance' eg big age difference, I wouldn't worry about it.

DD is an only child with no family her age so had little choice but to confide in me, unfortunately for her! She told me when she was thinking she may have sex. She told me when she did have sex. I just made sure she was responsible, and comfortable with her choice etc. I'd rather she was having sex in my house, in a clean environment where she felt safe and in control.

2 short years later, she's at uni living away for home doing what she chooses.

You don’t need to be in a bedroom to have sex. So surely it’s not different to them being in another room at her house.

1952 called and is totally baffled.

I think the OP is a concerned and appropriate mother and I have nothing but respect for her. Parenting teens is not without its dilemmas. Everyone discussing whether or not teenagers can/ are having sex misses the point.
The issue is around setting appropriate boundaries. The law is a good place to start. Teenagers often respect boundaries, even if they don’t admit it at the time. Loving parents stating reasonable rules can be a great source of comfort, even if those rules are pushed against. Having parented three teenagers through this phase, I know the OP will have much more influence on her son and his GF longer term than she might suppose at the time.
Two questions OP. Where does your husband stand on this? It should be a joint parental decision.
You mentioned there is a kitchen and a living room downstairs. Could they have one and you and DH use the other? I appreciate there will be comings and goings from the kitchen but if they have it mostly to themselves and you respect their boundaries, they may also respect yours. Especially if snacks etc are provided.
Good luck. You DS sounds great. Establishing and maintaining relationships is a skill at any age. It sounds as if you’ve done a great job.

Well I think you should respect the fact they’re not allowed upstairs at the GF’s house.
but then I moved out at 21 and was never allowed boys in my room, ever

I am in a very similar position as OP with my DS and his GF, both will be 16 in the next 3 months. GF 's House has 2 living rooms, we don't. compromised with them keeping the door open.

I would rather they were in a house And not down the local park and I have actually spoken to both them about sex and contraception after i caught them under the duvet (fully clothed and it was cold). I'm a nurse and regular deal with teenagers having underage sex. As
@MadMadaMim states, it's all about consent. There is no huge age gap between them in my situation or the ops, and I think it is good for them to have a little bit of privacy and respect.

I do admit the first time I realised he had brought her back while I was out, I was shocked and didn't know how to react. Now I don't mind her being here, she makes him a nicer person when she's around and not the moody teenager I see half the time.

My two sons were working when they reached 16, and both moved more than 150 miles away from home to work. One of them hadn't gone through puberty and didn't until he was 17 1/2. They didn't get talks on sex or leaflets to look at but both have gone on to have successful marriages without getting their wives pregnant before marriage.
Nor have my daughters who left home at the same age to work in industries which meant living away, so it's different for everyone. None of them have had children before marriage and a proper home of their own. They're in their 30s and 40s now.

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at them hanging out in the bedroom at 16.

...however my brother got his gf pregnant when they were both just 17. She was an only child and her parents went mad. They married two months later in church. Bride wore a pale coloured suit. Brother changed jobs for more pay. Both worked. They celebrate 60 years of marriage in May this year and have 4 daughters, lots of gc and ggc.

If they're going to do anything, they're going to do it regardless so assuming that's your fear the only question is would you prefer they do it in a safe place or behind the bike sheds?

They may not be of course in which case no problem anyway.

That said I would be inclined to be in touch with her mum. No need for the kids to know or be embarrassed, but good to get a feel for her view on things.

Of course they can go in his bedroom? Just have them leave the door open if you're concerned but honestly wouldn't you rather they were being intimate under your roof than a random back alley? Sounds like they're pretty sensible and probably just want to snuggle and watch a movie without being interrupted.

Odd that you jump to the conclusion they want to have sex.

He might just be after a blowie.

We have been in this exact situation and I talked to gf's mum and at first we had an open door policy. All along the line we talked to the parents as things progressed (they went out for 18 months). Like you OP we felt a level of responsibility towards gf. However if your ds gf parents don't allow them to stay in her bedroom then they aren't going to be happy for them to do the same in your house but if you have a chat then both sides will know where the other one is coming from.

If they’re going to have sex they’ll find a way, let them be upstairs with the door open.

Because his GF's parents don't allow them upstairs I would do the same. Can you do something elsewhere - housework upstairs or a bit of gardening when it's light?

If you don’t feel you can trust your 16yr old & his girlfriend to sit in his room then you maybe need to vacate the main social area in the house, for a time, so they can spend time together at yours.
In the long run you will simply need to either trust them or not.
Set some ground rules when it comes to being allowed to sit in the bedroom, keeping bedroom door open, no locking door, etc - as others have mentioned - & remind him that his GF is underage & any sexual contact is child abuse, no matter how obsurd that sounds to them.
At the end of the day we can only arm our children with information & hope they make sensible choices.
They will have sex one day & to be honest I’d much rather my young adult experienced that somewhere safe & that would be one of their homes or a hotel.

So if he was bringing one of his male friends home would you allow them to go up to the bedroom out of the way, maybe play computer games or something? I'm sure they would be quite happy to sit in a downstairs room where they had privacy but you don't have that facility. I think you are over thinking the issue

I let my DD and her BF sit in her room as our downstairs is small. They are both 16 though.
Are you worried they'll have sex? If they want to they will find a way. Just incase make sure he has easy access to condoms.
But he has said they aren't going to do that and I think you have to trust him.

Let them, safer to have you around than not. leave door ajar.Otherwise they won't come to yours in future.

I really hoped that 30 years on from me being a teenager that we might have evolved from our uncomfortableness about sex. It doesn't feel like we have.

They're teenagers, they're going to experiment. It's perfectly normal. Would you prefer they did it in a safe environment that you are ultimately in control of, with your knowledge and consent or the opposite.

Most of the girls I went to school with had had sex before they were 16. Between two teens such a tiny age gap is mostly irrelevant.

You've done a good job so far by being open and honest with your DC. Please continue in this way and don't let your squeamishness from a subconscious taboo come in the way of that. Sex is an absolutely normal healthy activity between consenting individuals.

When my son was 16 and his wife 14 they'd go to his room with the door open. When she turned 18 the door was closed. They're now on their 50's. I don't see a problem.

This! ⬆️ My son & his girlfriend are almost 16yrs old & our rule is bedroom 'chilling' is fine with an open door & regular pop-ins from one of us. When they first got together, I reached out to her mum & was just honest about my concerns & we agreed we'd chat to them & what boundaries we'd set. So far, so good. They alternate between hanging out in his room & downstairs watching TV in the lounge/doing something or other with us. Better a few uncomfortable conversations now than something you really don't want to deal with, later down the line!

OP I think you’re doing the right thing considering this. I’m also in a similar situation and am careful. the girl is underage and she’s in your house.

there’s no point in us harking back to when we were young as it was a different place. (except in terms of remembering hormones!)A minority went to university smoking age was 16, many people worked from 16, people left home. I knew girls who left school at 16 and moved in with men in their early 20s. Society has extended adolescence.

These days teenage boys can end up on a sex offenders register. It will follow them around for the rest of their lives. Let alone again with the hormones just because someone is your son doesn’t mean they are not capable of what could be considered pressure or coercion.