DS16 and his almost 16 yo GF. Asked if he could sit in his bedroom.

[RedHaired50]

Please tell me your experiences.

DS16 has been seeing his lovely GF who is almost 16, for over 3 months. They get on great.

They have mostly been hanging out at his GF house, which is much bigger than ours. There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

DS has asked if his GF can come to ours. The only issue is, downstairs there is just a small living room and kitchen. He’s asked if they can sit in his bedroom. He’s already eye rolled and said no, they’re not going to have sex! (We have talked about this). It’s just somewhere they can chill out.

I feel bloody awful that our house is so small that he has no space to bring GF here to sit and chill out by themselves.

I do have GFs, DM number but I have no idea how to even ask if this would be ok with her.

I obviously told DS no for now.

Please tell me how you navigated this kind of situation.

My house is also too small for the DC to have anywhere to go other than their bedrooms, @RedHaired50. I used to say yes to bedrooms, but with the door open. I would then do a lot of to-ing and fro-ing so they knew I was around. Older siblings who had had similar treatment would also helpfully shout "Mummy wants to know whether you're shagging" through the door, which was probably a bit of a downer.

There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

They are probably already having sex. The best thing you can do is remind him about the age of consent and buy them some condoms. Leave them on his bed, then at least everyone knows what is going on.

@WelHong that’s made me chuckle! Brilliant!

I think it’s fine as long as the door stays open.

But I would check with her parents first if they don’t usually allow it.

What can't they do in a private/separate sitting room that they can do in a bedroom? What's the difference?

I feel for you, @RedHaired50. And I agree with you. I had this 'rule' until they were 18 (so shoot me, MN). All my DC seem to have survived, and laugh about it now. But I think it sometimes prevented them from getting into situations they weren't really comfortable with ("Mum won't let me" is a much easier get-out sometimes than "I don't want to" for boys and girls alike, whatever the rights and wrongs of this).

He’s 16 not 12. Have the talk with him and have trust. Pop in now and again or ask for the door to be left a bit open.

My children are grown up now but when they were teenagers I always let them take their friends to their rooms including girlfriends and boyfriends. They are not likely to do anything there that they are not already doing elsewhere!
. I don't see why then being upstairs is any different from them being alone in a room downstairs.
If you are that worried but can pop into the room with drinks/snacks every so often.

I am so confused because when I grew up in the 1990s we were allowed to be in boyfriend's rooms or whatever without question from age 15 ish. I had one chat with my DM about contraception, which I'd sorted at the family planning clinic by myself, and we were allowed to crack on. I didn't actually lose my virginity until 17 because I didn't feel ready, not because I was told I wasn't allowed to. As long as you've talked about contraception and consent I would have no problem letting 2 kids be alone. They're probably just snogging and talking anyway but even if they're exploring further they'll be fine as long as they understand about being safe. Chill out and let them do what teenagers do.

Why on earth would you need to let her mum know that they are sitting in his bedroom?

Yes maybe they might do "stuff" in his room. But cut them some slack, we were all young once and I know I wanted my parents to respect my sensibilities and allow me some freedom as a teenager. Thankfully I had that from them and respected them in return and never put myself in dangerous or reckless situations.

I remember going round the house of a boy I fancied at 16, it was a snog-athon! He wouldn’t ask me out because I said I wouldn’t have sex with him.

Speaking as someone who was pregnant at this age give him condoms and explain the importance of safe sex. There is no point not letting them be in his bedroom if their having sex they will always find a way

Yeah because contraception doesn't exist in society today. Or are we all devout Catholics who don't believe in contraception so insist on sex after marriage?

Let’s look at it this way, the age of consent is 16…I’m looking out for my DS who is 16, but his GF is UNDER the age of consent!

Can you imagine if I allowed this and her DParents went ballistic? What would you say then?

I used to do this too. Once we both bunked off school for a week, he came round every morning for sex & supermarket sweep. Those were the days 🤣

Teenagers don't just have sex in a bedroom, you either trust him to be responsible or you don't 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly the same boat as you here. DS is 16 GF is 15.

Also DD who is 17 and her BF 18

Same rules for all.

GF/BF allowed in rooms and yes, they lie on the bed watching TV and their phones, but the rules are, door open a crack and we might knock and bring tea or a snack at random points. Also noone UNDER bed cover.

The best way to navigate the door thing is to 'remind' your DS in front of GF so he doesn't have the embarrassment of having to do this if GF shuts the door.

So you say "Hi - sure hang upstairs. I'll be up with snacks in a bit and don't forget house rules - doors open please and thank you!' Breezy - like that's it, no drama.

And then pop up with drink and snack and stand in doorway for quick chat (no scuttling out) and then pop up once more with drink . You can also mention curfew times to them together if that's an issue for you. "You're very welcome, but you'll need to get picked up, or be on your way by eleven" or whatever...

I think mentioning the 'rules' in front of them both might seem like it's going to be embarrasing for your DS but it's actually easier in the long run.

OP said the girl is 15.

To me that changes everything, two 16 year olds, I don't think I'd have an issue. But 15, no! If the parents are OK with it I would be, but I'd need their green light. I wouldn't like it if I didn't know for my daughter, 15 is too young, sorry. Call me a prude.

I'm intruiged by the posters saying they shouldn't be allowed upstairs. I am in literally the exact position with a teenage daughter and her boyfriend. It didn't occur to me not to give them space, I pop up regularly offering tea & biscuits and have a really good relationship with my daughter. They are actually sometimes at home alone after school when I'm at work. Surely that happens in other homes too at this age? I trust her to be respectful and also careful. My trust is rewarded. Why would I stop her using her own bedroom?

I'd text GF M and tell them as I'd want to know.

@OnaBegonia agree! But if I’m hosting them here then surely I need to respect the fact that she’s under the age of consent?

Exactly, youre actually protecting your son, I mean how long has he got to wait , a couple of months??

I’m really surprised by some of these replies actually.

Usually posters are all about protecting the girl and how easy it is for her to be coerced into doing something she’s not ready to do etc.

I personally do think they should be allowed in this bedroom but I would speak to the parents as they don’t allow it.

You are being a decent parent to your son and you’re looking out for both him and his gf.

I have DC that age. I do allow them to be alone in the same room with their partners, they are over 16.

Bedrooms are too small, we have a spare room with a sofabed and TV, they hang out there. I'd much rather have them here.

DS asked if he could shut the door, I said yes as long as we could have a conversation about sex and being safe first.

I have never contacted their partners'
parents. In both cases there are parents and step parents. I'd be up for a conversation but would not I initiate one.

But if the GF is almost 16, is that really that different from 15? I agree that if her parents don't agree you can't really allow it. I don't really see an issue otherwise if they are very near in age, mid-teens, using protection, no coercion/pressure etc... When I was in 1st year at secondary, our science teacher told us in sex ed that the law is not there to prosecute young couples of very close age, it is there to protect people from unhealthy relationships with overly large age gaps and the added possibility of coercion there.