Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS16 and his almost 16 yo GF. Asked if he could sit in his bedroom.

224 replies

RedHaired50 · 14/03/2023 18:19

Please tell me your experiences.

DS16 has been seeing his lovely GF who is almost 16, for over 3 months. They get on great.

They have mostly been hanging out at his GF house, which is much bigger than ours. There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

DS has asked if his GF can come to ours. The only issue is, downstairs there is just a small living room and kitchen. He’s asked if they can sit in his bedroom. He’s already eye rolled and said no, they’re not going to have sex! (We have talked about this). It’s just somewhere they can chill out.

I feel bloody awful that our house is so small that he has no space to bring GF here to sit and chill out by themselves.

I do have GFs, DM number but I have no idea how to even ask if this would be ok with her.

I obviously told DS no for now.

Please tell me how you navigated this kind of situation.

OP posts:
Missingpop · 15/03/2023 18:51

I think you have to look at your relationship with your DS if you’ve had the “talk” then it’s down to your trust in him & his respect in you & your boundaries if you believe his will respect your rules & you feel you can trust him but there’s no issue.
I had both a DS & a DD in very similar circumstances both were absolutely fine & I can honestly say it never became an issue; your DS is growing up into a young man you have to let him prove to you he’s capable of behaving like one x

Jayne35 · 15/03/2023 18:59

I would allow it, just leave the door open. I used to be allowed my older bf in my room when I was 15 and he was 19 but the door had to be propped open and my Mum did pop up sometimes, apparently offering coffee etc but really checking up on us.

Nbo · 15/03/2023 19:06

I have a DD who is 16 next week. She has a bf who is 12 months older than her. They have been together since summer last year. We have a very open relationship and had lots and lots of talk about sex and contraception. She’s not on any at the moment but I’ve told her the minute she feels ready to have sex that she only has to tell me to book her a doctors appointment for the pill and I’ll do it no questions asked.

Shes been open with me and told me that she’s not ready for sex yet and bf is also the same.
I do let them go up to her bedroom as I know when I was that age I didn’t need a bedroom to get up to no good!

Icantfindmykeys · 15/03/2023 19:06

TrianglePlayer · 14/03/2023 18:22

Surely they can hang out in his bedroom for a bit? They can keep the door open if you’re worried.

This is what we agreed when my DS x 2 were this age.

Frosty1000 · 15/03/2023 19:13

I've no experience as my Ds is 7 🤣 but how about you go upstairs and leave them down?

Take a bath, read your book or watch TV in your room if you have one. Get a drink occasionally and wander around downstairs. Would that work if you're uncomfortable with them in his room.

Whyisitsososohard · 15/03/2023 19:18

I think it's really odd they wouldn't be in his room tbh. But it's obviously up to you!

AnnieSnap · 15/03/2023 19:33

Yes, YABU. Why can’t they spend time in his bedroom? Anything they can do there, they can outside in the cold on a grassy area. Once she is 16, it is legal for them to have sex, but given your restrictive attitude, they probably wouldn’t want to risk it with you in the house. Show them some respect are young adults/teenagers. I told mine at that age that “although they wouldn’t be having sex yet, when the time came, there were condoms in the medicine cabinet. They would never be counted and no questions would be asked”. Kids will do pretty much what they really want to do at that age. Our job is to help keep them safe as they make their choices.

Harls1969 · 15/03/2023 19:33

It's tricky, but sometimes we have to give our kids some responsibility and show that we trust and respect them. If they're going to have sex, they're going to have sex. I get that you don't want it to happen in your home, but I really don't see the harm in them being in his room. They probably aren't going to want to get up to anything with you within earshot and bringing them drinks and snacks anyway 😀

TequilaNights · 15/03/2023 19:36

He's been respectful and asked you, why can't he?

Door open policy if your concerned.

notthisagainforest · 15/03/2023 19:42

Yes I can imagine the eye roll. You need to have trust In him and let hiM have her over to sit In his rooM poor kid

celticprincess · 15/03/2023 19:44

summerpoolandsun · 14/03/2023 18:29

Well going against the grain, I think it’s really responsible of you. I wouldn’t want my not quite turned 16 year old daughter in her boyfriend’s room, it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen, maybe when she turns 16…how long will that be?

That’s a huge assumption. When I was a teen I was always allowed on BF’s bedrooms. Nothing ever happened. We would lie on the bed and watch tv. Snogging. But that’s it. One BF’s parents did give us the downstairs mostly but they had an upstairs lounge area. Sometimes we used the upstairs lounge area. However I was allowed to sleep over quite often, in the upstairs lounge area!! But we were trusted. But the other couple of BFs didn’t have upstairs lounge areas and I don’t recall ever seeing the downstairs of their houses.

Keeper11 · 15/03/2023 19:52

It’s nothing to do with the size of your house. I had two boys and the rule was if girls were stopping at my house for any length of time, including overnight, I had to ring the girls parents and explain the situation. So I would say we don’t have a spare bedroom, or the girl will be watching TV in my son's room or whatever. The decision then rested with the girls parents and I never had any problems at all. The girls parents were all pleased to know the truth about what may happen.

Original poster
RedHaired50 · 15/03/2023 19:53

They’ve had free access to the living room tonight while I’ve been busy upstairs, sorting washing, back down for a cuppa and a chat, then busy again upstairs.

I’m happy with this arrangement for now. Give it another few weeks/months and see how the land lies.

Personally, until GFs parents are happy for them to chill out in her bedroom, I’ll follow suit.

OP posts:
Doggate1 · 15/03/2023 19:56

He is nearly 16 and you won’t let the GF go upstairs with him ! Either you trust him and her or you don’t.
you have rules and ask that the door is left open. If it closes then you can decide what you want to do.
you do also realise that if they want to have sex it doesn’t have to be in his room and it will be in an alleyway or a field or a mates place or school toilet etc.
you should be talking about consent, respect and sex. With both of them. You have the grown up conversation and you say .. you can go upstairs but I am downstairs and the door is to remain open and there is to be no sex. They probably just want to kiss and cuddle and lay down together.

chosenone · 15/03/2023 20:00

Same situation here. But mine is the 15 yr old DD. Wondering if it’s my DD 😬. I personally would be ok with it as they’re a cute couple and have spent that time here in our other TV room which is private enough for things to happen. As someone who lost their virginity in a field and had friends who did it behind bus stops, disused quarries, parks and even a skip! I’d prefer the comfort of their own house tbh. If the mum in question messaged me about it I’d be happy to respond. HTH

oosha · 15/03/2023 20:03

I don’t see what the problem is. Just ask them to leave the door open and check on them regularly?

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 15/03/2023 20:04

RedHaired50 · 15/03/2023 19:53

They’ve had free access to the living room tonight while I’ve been busy upstairs, sorting washing, back down for a cuppa and a chat, then busy again upstairs.

I’m happy with this arrangement for now. Give it another few weeks/months and see how the land lies.

Personally, until GFs parents are happy for them to chill out in her bedroom, I’ll follow suit.

What if they’re still not happy when she’s 17? Or 18? Or until they’re married? You can’t expect them not to be having sex at 16/17/18 just because you won’t let them in the bedroom together. At 16 they could take a trip to Scotland and get married. What it still be inappropriate then?

I agree with you whilst she’s under 16 but once she reaches the age of consent as long as they’re mature enough to be sensible about contraception then I would be, and have been, far more relaxed about it. If they want to have sex then they will have sex whether it’s in his bedroom or up an alley in the cold and dark.

Original poster
RedHaired50 · 15/03/2023 20:08

@chosenone if your DDs, BFs, DM has red hair, then it could be 😆

OP posts:
SophiaSW1 · 15/03/2023 20:16

I'd have no issue with that

Oblomov23 · 15/03/2023 20:18

Of course they can sit in his room!

chosenone · 15/03/2023 20:38

@RedHaired50 oh yes! She doesn’t actually. So there are a few of this in this predicament.

BrimFullOfAsher · 15/03/2023 20:39

Since when was there an age requirement for sitting in a bedroom??

He's said they won't be having sex, you can insist the door is kept open. What in earth has the agent of sexual consent got to do with it?!

FindingNeverland28 · 15/03/2023 20:59

When I was 16, my boyfriend was 17. We used to hang out in my bedroom. There was no door on the bedroom, but it was an attic room. From what I can remember, there was a lot of fondling. As things progressed, whenever we wanted to do anything more, we would find a way. It didn’t happen in my bedroom. Point being, if they’re going to do anything, they’ll find a way.

isthisit83 · 15/03/2023 21:30

Ponderoveryonder · 14/03/2023 18:32

Have the door open a crack and knock occasionally to offer snacks . Also put a big ‘no sex’ sign up. Maybe do a bit of hoovering on the landing.

🤣🤣love this

Boleynforsoup · 15/03/2023 21:48

I had the same boyfriend from 16-22. Neither set of parents let us sleep in the same room. One Christmas we had a house full so my mum hesitantly let him sleep in my room (albeit on a blow up bed).... we were both 19 by this point and had been together 3 years.

I ended up falling pregnant just after and my mum was convinced it was down to her allowing him to stay in my room that night, like we hadn't been at it for years before that 😂

I think they can be in his bedroom together at 15 and 16, just have a strict door left open policy.

My youngest thinks I'm super strict but my eldest regularly stayed at her boyfriends or had him to stay over in the same room at 16 - they'd been together 2 years at this point.

Youngest isn't allowed boys in her room at all at the moment, partly because she's only 14 and partly because she changes boyfriends more regularly than I change my socks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread