DS16 and his almost 16 yo GF. Asked if he could sit in his bedroom.

[RedHaired50]

Please tell me your experiences.

DS16 has been seeing his lovely GF who is almost 16, for over 3 months. They get on great.

They have mostly been hanging out at his GF house, which is much bigger than ours. There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

DS has asked if his GF can come to ours. The only issue is, downstairs there is just a small living room and kitchen. He’s asked if they can sit in his bedroom. He’s already eye rolled and said no, they’re not going to have sex! (We have talked about this). It’s just somewhere they can chill out.

I feel bloody awful that our house is so small that he has no space to bring GF here to sit and chill out by themselves.

I do have GFs, DM number but I have no idea how to even ask if this would be ok with her.

I obviously told DS no for now.

Please tell me how you navigated this kind of situation.

My DM had the no bedroom/downstairs only rule for boyfriends when I was 16. It only made us more determined to get out and find places we could get up to no good.

OP, please be more clearer…what’s GF age? 😉

I think everyone is in agreement that they will have sex somewhere if they want but technically it’s still a crime if they do so door open.

Are they on their own in the room downstairs at GF’s house?

As GF is under 16 and her parents have set a boundary at their house about not going to a bedroom, it seems only reasonable to discuss with them about how to manage the situation.

If you have their number, why not call or message them and ask what they want you to do?

It doesn't need to be a big embarrassing thing. Maybe something like:

"We're looking forward to GF visiting. Just wanting to check a couple of things. We only have one public room downstairs, so no doubt there'll be a request for some time away from us - what would your thoughts be on them spending time in DS's room, with the door open of course? Would that be something to consider or would you prefer us to draw a line at that?"

It might be best to see how his GF's mum feels about it too and make a desision you are both/all happy with.

Err, um, pardon me OP but have you had a quiet word with GF and asked her opinion.
One unlikely scenario is that she feels under pressure to agree with her BF.
You need to be friends with her.

@Sophie1980 i find your post a little odd tbh.

It’s all academic until you speak to the parents. If they say absolutely not, or yes but these are the rules then you can go from there.

@Sophie1980 her BF is MY DS!

I don’t imagine she’d relish me asking her questions like that!

@BellePeppa agree. Think it’s a text I need to send, will go from there.

All the preventative action in the world does nothing. If my boyfriend bc and I wanted sex we found places and times to do it.

I'd let them, but I'd make a huge fuss first, and generally present obstacles all over the place.

Not because I don't want them to do be alone in the room.

But because I want them to feel it's a huge and responsible deal to be alone together in the room.

The way we know that things matter is that we see they matter a lot to people we love.

I'd allow it, personally.
Ask them to leave the door ajar
That way, they are not going to have sex, but they can have a private chat and a snog or whatever

Can’t you just tell him that noise travels in the house and you might pop in at any moment to say hi? Just make it clear that he’s risking embarrassment if he gets in too compromising a position 🤷‍♀️. Or go old school and make them leave the door open.

If they want to have sex they will find somewhere to do it though.

This is an interesting thread. Even if the girlfriend were 16, I would (and did) take the line that there are some things I am not ok with. Teenagers having sex upstairs while I'm making supper downstairs is one of those things. My DC are now all over 18 and I have - and have always had - a fantastic and open relationship with all of them. But for me, being open also means that I could say no to things and explain why I felt that way. It doesn't have to be a one-way street of permitting absolutely everything if you want to retain a decent relationship with your children. It's possible to say no and for them to respect your decision (and not end up either pregnant or making someone else pregnant). I am sure my DC got up to things at home when I was out (in fact I know they did as they have subsequently told me!), but that's different from me enabling/facilitating it at the ages they were then. And I would absolutely not have enabled/facilitated it if their boyfriend/girlfriend had been under-age - especially not if the boyfriend/girlfriend's parents had a 'no bedrooms' rule at home.

There's this, too. If my youngest had got up to anything, she'd have had a chorus of "keep the noise down!" from her older siblings, followed by someone barging in to tell them to stop it.

Knowing what I was like at 15-16 I wouldn’t!

Have them keep the bedroom door open.

Not having access to a bedroom has never in the history of the human race ever stopped teenagers having sex.

My friends would literally have sex outside in the bushes at that age... There is literally nothing you can do to prevent teenagers that age who want to have sex from having sex!

Don’t get me wrong, I know what I was like at 14+! I was 14 with a 19 year old BF! Can you imagine that now!!!

So yep, we can all say I know what I was like at that age but half of MN thinks I’m wrong even questioning it 😆

Times are very different now!

I'd allow it, even if they (shock) got up to something. I'd prefer them to be doing it in a safe, comfortable place than in the back of a car or a public toilet. I found a way Teenagers will find a way if there's a will!

I know teenagers will find a way, but as a parent of a 16 yo DS, with an UNDERAGE GF, in very different times, I’m looking out for him too!

This seems like a sensible solution and if they don't disappear into the bedroom at the girlfriend's house then it makes sense to mirror that.

However, my view is that if teenagers are going to have sex, be intimate, they will do it whether or not you allow them in the bedroom with the door shut, and by preventing them it sends out a weird message that a) they can't be trusted and b) what they are doing/might want to do is somehow wrong, shameful and should be hidden from parents, which isn't all that healthy.

I think in this day and age protecting your son is very important. The fact is she is underage and you wouldn’t want anything to backfire on your son. We wouldn’t have given it a second thought years ago but it’s different today.

No I wouldn't allow it that to look out fir both if them. She's underage for a start and I would worry that she would feel pressure even if your ds wasn't pressuring her. I would also worry about gf changing her mind after and then him potentially getting into trouble. If gfs parents don't allow it then nor would I.

For both the sake and the funked up world we live in now. I.wouldnt risk is.

I might let them with the door open when she's 16.

Totally agree. The stakes are very, very high and teens aren't known for their wisdom and self-restraint.

We all undertand wanting to scratch that hormonal itch but condoning it and facilitating it for children is reprehensible. Just because they want to have sex doesn't mean they should. Just because the law doesn't expressly forbid it (for pragmatic reasons) doesn't mean it's sensible and admirable. And a decent parent would have the ability to explain why.

Sniggering outside the door "oooh, you ain't having a sneaky shag, is you??" as a pp suggested, and allowing one's parental authority to be dismissed as a joke and something to be scorned, is just sad.

Mid-teenagers who can't support themselves, let alone any offspring, having sex IS wrong and shameful. yeah, yeah, condoms and we all know how often that fails.

Wanting something and deserving it are not equal. A good parent teaches kids self-restraint, whether it's dairy milk or sex.