DS16 and his almost 16 yo GF. Asked if he could sit in his bedroom.

[RedHaired50]

Please tell me your experiences.

DS16 has been seeing his lovely GF who is almost 16, for over 3 months. They get on great.

They have mostly been hanging out at his GF house, which is much bigger than ours. There is an extra room downstairs where they can chill out and watch the tv.

DS has asked if his GF can come to ours. The only issue is, downstairs there is just a small living room and kitchen. He’s asked if they can sit in his bedroom. He’s already eye rolled and said no, they’re not going to have sex! (We have talked about this). It’s just somewhere they can chill out.

I feel bloody awful that our house is so small that he has no space to bring GF here to sit and chill out by themselves.

I do have GFs, DM number but I have no idea how to even ask if this would be ok with her.

I obviously told DS no for now.

Please tell me how you navigated this kind of situation.

I say yes as long as the door is open.
They get space bit you know nothing is going on.

Not all of us were having sex at 16, thank you.

I wouldn't allow it in your situation purely because her DP's don't allow it at their house. If it was just my decision then I would allow with door open until they were both legal age of consent. But I feel you need to respect her parent's boundaries.

A long time ago, when I was 16, any alone time with my boyfriend meant a heavy shagging session. The fun we had.

A long time ago in the 80’s it was ‘ok’ for 14 year old me to be sitting in a 19 year old’s bedroom…

Like I’ve said, times are different now 😊

But there are normally other people in downstairs rooms, unless you want everyone else to watch.

Not at her house according to the OP.

Many teens are sexually active, but most teens do not have sex with parents in the house.

I would wait until she was 16.

Of course it isn't wise for younger teenagers to have sex and it should be discouraged and boundaries should be set and communicated BUT making something that is a natural part of growing up seem wrong and shameful is a surefire way to shut down any open lines of communication on the topic. And that is when problems arise.

At the end of the day, if they want to have sex they will have sex and wouldn’t you rather they were in the safety of his bedroom rather than in a doorway or on a park bench? He’s been polite and respectful and said they just want to spend time together, so what’s the issue.

It’s respectful that he asked you. I’d say it would be good to say yes they can go to his room. His gf could ask her parents what they think about this as well.

I think it's very dismissive / disrespectful of their daughter's agency for her parents to forbid her privacy - and also way too entangled in her prospective sexual life. They may be very anxious about consent - but equally there could be a sense that she will be devalued in some way once she's had sex.

I think you should explain to your DS that this is the reason that you can't allow it yet - that they clearly have strong feelings and there needs to be more discussion with them first. But you should let him know that were not the case, you would allow it - because he's 16, he's very aware of consent, and it's right that he begins to make some decisions for himself.

Well they are and they aren't. Teens seem now to consider any age gap to be a very suss - but at the same time, things have not improved at all for teenage girls in terms of their agency or the sense in our culture that they are full human beings who deserve basic human rights like the ability to go to the toilet without anxiety that they will be filmed or sexually assaulted. They are constantly exposed to girls like themselves being for eg strangled and anally raped in pornography - and if they manage to avoid it themselves, they know that their male peers are fully immersed in it. So the discourse about girls and equality has improved - girls are the future, girl boss, you go girl etc - but I'd say that the reality has become dramatically worse.

Maybe suggest they can use his bedroom but the door must be open??? Appreciate its difficult with teenagers and hormones.

DS 15 and his almost 15 GF sit in his room. They do at hers as well. I am fairly certain they are not having sex. His bedroom is above the living room and his bed is pretty creaky so I think I would hear them.

Bedroom door open, no problem here. Both us and other parents have said that there should always been an adult in the house as well. They're happy watching Netflix / Disney + online.

They can go for a walk and snog, if they want to get up to stuff they will find a way.

Well I have two just adult sons. I allowed this ONLY once girlfriends reached 16. This was to protect my sons under the law. Once they reached 16, I not only allowed 16+ girlfriends in their rooms but their girlfriends were allowed to stay the night. It doesn’t bother me that they had sex in the house I was just concerned until there was no legal issues. We spoke at length about consent and contraception and the girls were lovely girls so why would it be a problem? No ONSs were allowed to stay but they both had regular longish term girlfriends at that age so that was fine.

DD will have to follow the same rules. I’d rather she didn’t have sex until she’s 16 not only because it’s illegal but because I think every extra day of emotional maturity helps. But once she’s 16, as long as he’d partner us too then the same rules will apply to her.

I don’t believe it’s my job to be concerned about the feelings and moral values of their partners’ parents. I certainly wouldn’t stop mine having girls/boys to stay in their room just because the parents didn’t approve. As long as they’re 16 it’s a conversation to be had between the parents and their young person. But I certainly won’t restrict or change my household boundaries to accommodate theirs.

😂😂😂 That’s what I was thinking, I wouldn’t have written it but it’s so true 🤣🤣 😂

In this situation I decant myself to the bedroom and let them have the downstairs space, you can still obviously say hi, make tea etc but don’t park yourselves on the sofa!

My B/F's parents kept sending his kid sister up.

Worked a treat!

They’re probably already having sex. There’s not many 16 year olds in a relationship that wouldn’t be I don’t think especially if they’ve known each other a while… I understand the whole ‘not doing it under your roof’ kind of thing out of respect. But surely they can go to his own room with the door slightly open ?

I think this says that you think sex is dirty and that young people who have sex are too.

It's actually nothing to do with 'standards', it's not a moral issue. It's to do with whether the young person is mature enough to understand and handle the emotions involved and whether they have a healthy attitude towards sex. And - crucially - whether they are making their own choice or are being pressured into it, either overtly or covertly (for eg through fear of losing the relationship).

Many kids will not be mature enough or have strong enough self-esteem to understand and assert their own wishes or boundaries at 16 - I wasn't, although I had already been sexually active for a while, and I'm sad for my younger self.

Others on the other hand really will be able to make those decisions for themselves. There's a huge variation in maturity at that age.

But the ones who aren't yet ready will not be prevented from making mistakes by refusing to let them make their own choices. They'll be prevented from making mistakes through open communication with a non-judgemental parent who doesn't tell them they're dirty for wanting to have sex, and who is unintrusive and very matter of fact about things. Someone who asks helpful questions, rather than making blanket judgements - questions which allow the child to think about what they really feel, and have the confidence to express it.