Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

[MumsTheIssue]

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

• Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

• Does not respond to praise

• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

• Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

• School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

• Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

• A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

• Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

• Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

• Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

Why have school been the gatekeeper of SN assessment?

That doesn't sound right. The behaviours aren't happening at school, they're happening at home. So the school has F all to do with it.

Can you video the behaviour and keep a written log of times and dates for a few weeks to build up evidence?

Then take that to GP or social services or whoever - hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along soon

Oh love, that sounds beyond stressful and I wish I had some advice. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly.

But you're doing great, you obviously love your DC and want what's best for them, so kudos to you for that

It's not you. It sounds like you are their safe space. They can hold it together everywhere else, but when they come home, it all comes out. I think you need to keep pushing for some support, and don't accept anyone blaming you.

You have mostly just described my autistic DD

Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

🤔

who told you that? I have just had one for my son.

and I’m very surprised the school regard him as an angel given repeated lateness and falling asleep in lessons. I imagine they are fairly concerned actually

You need a GP referral

Only issues at home and none whatsoever outside of the home or with anyone else to indicate that autistic?

They are masking.
Get them into after school clubs if you can't get a referral as if they only misbehave in the house keep them out of the house
Invite friends over after school to their behaviour should be fine until they go home and gives you a bit of a break
Can the GPS take them for Ann evening or maybe even a night a week or maybe a night a month
Play therapy may be the best option here
Learn an instrument like the drums get that's frustration out
Get a punch bag and gloves too

They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening.

OP the school have said they will refer to SS unless a change?

who told you that? I have just had one for my son.

@Lovelyveg82 The person I spoke to at the diagnosis place, it was on the councils list of accepted places to get a diagnosis and did a general check before exploring in more detail, it specifically looked for ADHD and ASD but could recommend places if they felt those weren't the right diagnosis' or further issue appeared. They told me that school have to say yes they'll accept the diagnosis or they can't go forward with diagnosing, and school told them they don't believe DC has SN.

School are concerned about the lateness and falling asleep in class but have said it's me thats the problem as DC is academcially fine - DC tends to fall asleep after lunch, so they do Literacy and Numeracy in the morning so no issues with those. DC is bang on where they would expect at this point in Y4 apparently.

It's extremely frustrating to feel that I'm the problem.

Your child is masking at school. This takes an incredible amount of emotional energy. It's like corking a bottle of fizzy drink and shaking it all day. Cork comes out at home.

You don't need the schools backing for an assessment for SN and I urge you to do that asap.

@Lovelyveg82 Yes, if the lateness and falling asleep carries on school will refer to SS

Is there any chance that your ex is bad mouthing you when your son is there? Was the break up recent?

But I agree that it sounds like he is masking everywhere else, and just lets go at home.

Op

m to pursue private you just need a Gp referral

whoever told you otherwise is bull shitting

it’s about £1500-£2000

@MargotDeWitt Been split 6 years. Divorced for 3.

So I’m baffled they think he’s an angel at school?

SS involvement may be a blessing as you’d get parental support

Only issues at home and none whatsoever outside of the home or with anyone else to indicate that autistic?

When she was 8, absolutely.

Sadly she is no longer 8, had a full breakdown due to masking also hard for so long and can't even manage high school. So yes. She had
A few signs that looking back even her old nursery said 'oh, yeah she did used to X or Y' but at the time, as isolated incidents, there were no concerns. Equally there are no doubts now.

All of it screams to a neurodivergent child masking at school and with dad and then letting it all out at their safe person.

Could you try asking online SEN groups for recommendations for a private paediatrician who will be patient and see what they come up with.

The council’s list?

I very much doubt the council are listing private practitioners as otherwise they are essentially advertising private services

Go to your regular GP with the issues. Ring SS yourself and ask for support from early help.

Siblings?

@Lovelyveg82 The council have a list of practicitoners that if they diagnosed SN or other issues they'd accept and use in place of their own as part of the EHCP process, Sendiass gave me the list and I contacted them when Sendiass said if I got a diagnosis for DC then that could be used to put DC forward for an EHCNA

@Marchforward I'm still waiting for them to get back to me, there's no routine appointments at all, you can't book them. You ring at 8am for a same day appointment but thats for urgent or emergencies, which I am told my situation is not.

@Lovelyveg82 Not for DC, I have an only child and no siblings at ExHs either.

Both me and ExH have siblings though.

we went to a consultant paediatric psychiatrist. No need to for school. GP referral.

what council is this?