Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

[MumsTheIssue]

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

• Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

• Does not respond to praise

• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

• Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

• School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

• Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

• A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

• Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

• Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

• Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

I'll take your word for it that the symptoms the OP describes are typical of children with autism, however they are also typical of children with no clear boundaries in the home.

I have agreed that the OP should try and get an assessment, but I have also asked further questions about the OPs approach to discipline, which have been ignored. This could be because she hasn't read them, it could also be because I'm right in my guess that the OP is possibly trying some low level discipline, and then stopping when it gets difficult or she gets push back. This would explain a lot as it leads kids to know they can get away with things and to escalate behaviour and push even harder, because they know their parents give up before they do.

100% agree that if she tries the approach I suggest fully, and gets non-typical or counter productive results, then its likely you are right and their child is neurodivergent.

But at the moment we don't know that and equally, the approach appropriate to a child with autism is totally inappropriate to a neurotypical child who just doesn't have any clear boundaries at home and is acting up.

I worked in Education. I also have been aware of children being well behaved at school and a nightmare at home. They keep it all in them explode when safe.

Self refer via GP. Force school to put in working via email why they aren't supporting. Make it clear that you are documenting out for future reference. Explain you're happy if the diagnosis different get past an observation by Education Psychologist.

They will probably fold to avoid future issues with their name and thoughts on an email. Basically back them into a corner.

It continued to refuse then look into your local authority website and approach the SSD and ADHD mental health well-being people directly. Maybe ask for a support worker if you have a zero to 19 team which is like social services but not as formal.

Use them as a launch pad too. So after diagnosis and it's made it difficulties you're having with school. Be polite and pretend to be stupid about why they won't do it. Basically you got other people on your side and force the school time to explain to you why they won't do it. It sounds like he probably is and you'll be in a much stronger place at the end of this because you can show their incompetence.

@ColonelDax Do you genuinely think this is 'typical' behaviour in ANY child?

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl
• Does not respond to praise
• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug
• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

I am speaking from experience here as my DS2 is (apparently) neurotypical. This:

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

Is an absolutely classic autistic behaviour (my DS doesn't do this, but I've read other autistic DC doing it). When we tried 'typical' 'boundary-enforcing' strategies, DS did all of these:

• Does not respond to praise
• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug
• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

It turns out DS has an auditory processing delay (so he doesn't hear instructions unless he's literally looking right at me and I repeat them really slowly), and he doesn't care about social hierarchy enough to obey a grown-up (like a neurotypical kid would).

So... other strategies needed.

I'll take your word for it that the symptoms the OP describes are typical of children with autism, however they are also typical of children with no clear boundaries in the home.

@ColonelDax how do you know? Given you imposed very fierce boundaries in your home. How you do you know that this behaviour is “typical of children with no clear boundaries in the home”?

@ColonelDax

i note from the other thread on parenting that you posted dozens of times on re the grandfather smacking the OP’s child that you are strongly in favour of “physical chastisement” and used to smack your children.

So was it before or after removing all your child’s toys and leaving them with just a bed and forbidding them from reading anything that you smacked them?

I actually mentioned that they got the odd smack on this thread as well, as you'd know if you actually read what i posted rather than scanning for things to attack me personally with, but in the instance being discussed here it wasn't necessary.

Happy for you to link others to that thread if you really want to, not rehashing my arguments from there, here again.

Have you got anything constructive to add to this discussion, because the majority of your posts seems to be trying to attack me personally rather than get to the bottom of the OPs problems.

I suppose i just can’t get over stripping a 9 year old girls bedroom of everything bar the bed and forbidding her from reading her books for 2 days.

But I will leave it because what’s done is done.