Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

[MumsTheIssue]

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

• Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

• Does not respond to praise

• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

• Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

• School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

• Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

• A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

• Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

• Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

• Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

I have a number of friends' whose autistic children are exactly as you've described here, OP. They explode at home after masking all day.

Your ex isn't seeing it because he's masking at his as well for his 1 day EOW.

I'd send him to ex's for a month and say you'll have him EOW ... imagine he won't be able to hide the behaviour and Ex will need to stop seeking support for him with you.

A hell of a lot of nonsense around 'masking' etc coming from some posters on here.

The behaviour she describes 'could' be signs of autism, they could also equally (and more likely tbh) be a result of the OP creating an environment where due to a lack of effective discipline, the rules are not enforced and the child is free to do what they want.

Plenty of kids play up massively is certain environments, whilst behaving perfectly in others. They do it because they can push their luck with some, but not others not because they are autistic.

That's is far more likely as the first port of call rather than instantly medicalising the child on the basis of one post. 🙄

OP I read your opening post and immediately thought that your child has ASD and is masking at school and dad’s. They feel safe at home with you and do not mask.
You don’t mention if your child is a girl or boy but girls are particularly ‘good’ at masking.
I can see many posters have already said this and recommended that your child needs to be formally assessed.

Sadly an NHS referral will take months. If you can afford a one-off private referral this could be done relatively quickly.

Please don’t blame yourself. If they have ASD, it is not down to poor parenting. They actually feels safest when with you which is why they doesn’t mask.

Best of luck. It is difficult to navigate and manage at times but, if they do have ASD, with the right support things could be very different for both of you.

Take a look at the suggestions in this link for some activities to help your dc self regulate when they get home. My dc finds jumping on the trampoline and doing gymnastics very good.

www.sunderlandaot.co.uk/asd-strategies/sensory

The grandparents are my grandparents (DCs great grandparents) in their 80s so can't help with childcare (I never asked them and they've never offered) but say helping me financially is the way they help. They also help out my cousins with DC (my siblings are childless) in a similar way. But I don't want to take advantage or rely upon them for help because obviously being over 80 we don't know how long they have left with us and I don't want our relationship to only be about money - they're both amazing people who I adore for them, I love listening to their stories and drinking tea with them, I don't want to tarnish that.

My parents won't provide childcare. I've asked they say no and I don't ask more than once, DC is my responsibility not theirs.

ExH won't have DC longer than he already does, I've asked, I've begged, but he just says no. If I dropped DC off and disappeared for a week, he'd either abandon DC on my doorstep after 24 hours and expect me to deal with them or drop DC off with his own extremely elderly grandparents and not parent them neither of which is a good reason for me to do it, so I won't. He just does not want to be a fulltime parent. Which is also why I won't tell DC to tell their dad they want to live there, because I know how rejected they'd feel by me.

I will push for further diagnosis' as even if it's not SN, I want help! I will do parenting courses etc. if it'll help.

DC literally responds to nothing, I could ignore their bad behaviour and they'd carry on, if I pull them up on it, they carry on. Nothing works with them.

Thank you for the kind responses, even those that blamed me have been helpful and I now feel I have a few more options to explore. I will also be looking into other private diagnostic routes as well.

We went private for our DD for a diagnosis for autism, but were told we needed an indication of symptoms at home and school too. Our first attempt at diagnosis failed as she masked so effectively at school and they said there were no problems.

It sounds like you are the place where he feels safe to be himself and let it all out. Can you film him at home to show to a specialist? Trust your instincts.

That’s nightmarish. Have you tried ringing local doctors to see if any of them have a different appointment system?

This sounds like an older family members past - and they also were in a family of parents who were divorced. This was always thrown at the mother and she constantly had "helpful" parenting support classes. Until the lad hit 12 and had a melt down at school - all of a sudden - yep it is exactly what his poor mother was fighting for - diagnoses, help, support and resources to ensure her child had the same access to life as any other.

That was 20 years ago - it sounds like not much has changed. I hope you are able to access an assessment soon because at least the outcome will help signpost the next steps.

I still have memories of using soft Towels to wrap around them to help limit the injuries the would inflict on themselves and others - until people have seen a melt down they tend not to appreciate it.

You are quite determined to lay the blame at OP door for this.

Thing is, nobody is instantly medicalising anything. It's a suggestion and if an assessment shows no autism then it's ruled out. The most important thing is to know what you are dealing with

@ColonelDax I'm open to suggestions for what you consider "good discipline" please? I'll try anything and if it works then it works.

Well, perhaps this is not necessarily a bad thing and may help you to access the professional input you and your DC need.

Kids respond to consistensy. So perhaps the school and your x have a more consistent approach with your child ?

Definitely speak to them both

I’m going to guess this is coming about because of you and their father are no longer together. As much as it might be the right decision to part it’s very difficult for this to not impact the children. Do you co- parent well with each other?

Re the doctors - I found out recently that most surgeries have a way of emailing in non-urgent problems. Go on your GP practice website and have a look around - it might be in "appointments" or "contact the surgery" or there might be a separate button for it, but it usually appears as a form when you get there.

I'd never heard of this but my neighbour who is a GP told me about it - it means that the surgery can triage you and refer to a GP/nurse/whoever to follow it up when they have time. It's been brilliant for real but non-emergency problems.

As a parent of SEN child, knowing how hard sometime being a parent can be, I would say that yes if you accept that you are probably a large part of this OP then you can really get to grips with changing it.

There could be a whole number of reasons your child is acting like this, but it will have built up over time. You could spend a couple of years finding the ‘cause’ but really it’s practical help NOW that is crucial. Much more so I would say than finding a cause, unless it’s medical, abuse or bullying. So try to rule out those. I wouldn’t ignore school, I do feel that ‘masking’ is overplayed a lot but it could be that the school is more ordered, routine, boundaried or it could be pent up stress if part of it.

For you I’d say the main thing is ignore everything except the violence. Ignore untidy room, ignore sleep, ignore anything else. Let it go temporarily. Have structure, but make this background and consistent. If he can’t go to sleep, let him have an ipad or books until a certain time in bed for example. That is the small stuff. The big stuff is violence. Have ZERO tolerance and immediate consequences. At the same time look for triggers to try and prevent.

I think if the violence goes on for 3 hours you do need a psychologist or expert on behaviour - even for one session to set up a plan with you - even if you have to pay yourself.

As others have said, this sounds like an autistic kid who is 'masking' at school and absolutely exhausted as a result.

You don't need the school to get a referral. Either speak to your GP or self-refer to a private paediatrician.

My DS1 is autistic and 'luckily' he is an unholy terror at school (and all sweetness and light at home) so we have a diagnosis and he's got a 1-to-1 to help him in the classroom. As I understand, it's more common to have it the other way around (but our home environment is unusually autism-friendly).

@maddy68 They've never been in trouble at school, ever, not even a bit of back chat

PLAY therapy. is fabulous. ...

I had this problem with my DS at around the same age.
It turned out his father my exH had been causing problems bullying him, smacking him and telling him the divorce and all of life's problems were my fault.
So DS would come home and behave like a mad man.
The behaviour stopped when my exH went to live abroad and he didn't see DS any more.
I only found this out when DS told me what had been going on once the risk of seeing his father had stopped.
Later on when he was an adult he said he was terrified of his father and his behaviour at home was letting it all out because he knew I wouldn't hurt him.
I sincerely hope it is not for this reason but don't rule it out.

You are describing my DS 1 who was subsequently diagnosed with autism.

I'd definitely try to rule that out.

There are so many of us who can relate to what you are going through, the masking at school and other settings, the lashing out at home, the school 'refusal'.

OP I really really don’t think this is your fault.

I have two DC - eldest is very like you describe; the other is a super easy, compliant child. Their upbringing has been as similar as I could make it. Eldest is neurodivergent.

Don’t be fobbed off. I’m so sorry it’s so hard and that you have to push so hard to get the help you need for both you and DC 💐

I’m so glad that we got our ds diagnosed as a toddler because he has always been an angel in school. We missed signs in dd, because girl’s masking is even better, and now we’re stuck in the same quandary where school can’t see a problem. Ironically she’ll probably be able to get herself diagnosed in university because my observations of her in childhood will count as the corroboration to her self evaluation . But in the meantime we’re stuck and she’s missing out on help at the stage of life where it would have the most impact.

I wish I could give you a hug, OP. Every professional I’ve ever consulted seems to start with the assumption that it’s a mum problem.

The only thing I can suggest is to start educating yourself as much as you can on parenting children with neurodiversity.
ADDitude have some brilliant information- the focus is on adhd but many of the difficulties cross over into other diagnoses. The adhd community is very solution focused though.

Look into pda - it’s very poorly understood and under researched but if you can get to grips with how to manage a pda child, I think it will help you more than anything. Ross Green is a good author to start with.

TikTok can be very useful - there are a lot of neurodivergent women talking about their issues and perspectives and it’s a very valuable source of insight into the lived experience of neurodivergence

If it’s possible, get your dc in front of an occupational therapist and ask them to help create a sensory profile and work on a sensory diet. This means looking at each of the senses (sight, smell, taste etc…there are 8) and figuring out where your dc is over/under sensitive. This is how we directly experience the world and finding ways to make it easier to exist in the world is important.

A behavioural psychologist might also help but start with the sensory stuff if you can.

I’d forget about diagnosis for now and jump to solutions and supports - you won’t do harm parenting a neurotypical child as if they were neurodivergent.

OP I'm going to go against the grain and say that your child doesn't sound autistic he sounds like he's fundamentally unhappy with your parenting style. It doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong but it is something you might have to truly and deeply acknowledge if you actually want to help him.

If it was up to MN everyone in the world would have ASD/ADHD/ODD etc etc. Tbh I bloody hate the term 'masking'. I'm sure it exists to a degree but these are developmental conditions. They don't just switch off/on and the term is used to basically diagnose anyone who finds the essentials of day to day life draining....which is most of us. We all try a little harder with socialising/concentrating etc when we're in a formal setting but if we're physically capable of functioning in this setting then surely by definition the condition (if there is one) isn't anywhere near severe enough to warrant a whole lot of labelling or adjustment. Besides which, the behaviour doesn't sound like a child who's exploding after a hard day it sounds like a child who's angry and doesn't respect you tbh. I have no idea why this is. You maybe need to talk to him and focus on connecting with him rather than being heavy with confrontation/punishment.

My son is 99.9% perfect in school and for
everyone else, with me he is comfortable to not mask so I’ll get
2 hour meltdowns,,Verbal abuse, phones / controllers flung and smashed, sensory food issues, the works.
he just got an autism diagnosis.