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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

307 replies

MumsTheIssue · 14/03/2023 14:36

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

  • Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

  • Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

  • Does not respond to praise

  • Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

  • I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

  • Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

  • School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

  • Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

  • A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

  • Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

  • Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

  • Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

OP posts:
Kenworthington · 15/03/2023 08:00

I’ve not rtft sorry but agree with many pp, this exactly describes my autistic ds1 (he’s now 24), right down to school not believing and hun being angelic with other people.

It started when he was around 3 or 4 but really hit crisis point at home when he was about 6/7, when I ended up sending him to his godparents for a weekend. And he was difficult with them too. I have never been so relieved in my life.

That week I went straight to the gp with my list of concerns and was at total breaking point. They referred him straight away and he was actually diagnosed at his first paediatric appointment. Trust me, it’s not you. You can refer him via your gp yourself. good luck op

apparentlynothin · 15/03/2023 08:30

Perhaps let's not get derailed?

OP will have her own parenting values, including in respect of physical chastisement and extended punishment, and will no doubt be weighing respective contributions, and relative experience and understanding of neurotypical and neurodiverse behaviours, accordingly.

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 08:39

User4891 · 15/03/2023 07:42

The problem that's been highlighted here is that any threats or escalation you make have to be followed through as you're essentially just creating an epic battle of wills with your child. If your kid is stubborn enough then it kindof has to end with solitary confinement in an empty bedroom and a kid who eventually submisses and grows up anxious/resentful in the process which is why I don't personally like it as a discipline method. You can be firm be instill fair consequences and make the focus more on meeting the child's needs than your own needs. This is important to remember whatever conditions the child does/doesn't have

I have thought about this post again and it warrants a longer response.

The implication here is that if you get into a battle of wills with a child, it will inevitably be damaging for them. I don't see that. Previous posters are focusing on one incident that i described where things came to a head when my youngest tried to push her boundaries, and we couldn't back down in order to show her that when we say things, we mean them. It doesn't characterise our relationship and to be honest, having a blow up incident where you prove you wont budge is good thing as it sticks in memory and means you really don't have to do anything for 95% of future occasions, just refer to it and remind your kids that you mean what you say. That's far easier and kinder on them than dealing with incident after incident after incident as they come, which is what some of the other parents I used to be friends with faced, particularly in the tween/teens years.

Children need structure and clear boundaries and to know that if their parent says something, they mean it. This can be misportayed as the 'strict' parent only caring about punishment, while the 'kind' parent gets to the bottom of the behaviour and fixes it at source. Really its far more complicated, I was proudly a strict parent, but i also talked with my children constantly and sought to understand why they were doing what they were doing and then to work through their behaviour, but if it warranted it and they pushed me, I pushed right back and I never backed down.

I think you need both approaches in conjunction, the kindness and understanding only approach, with no real consequence to poor behaviour isn't the way either.

The idea that being strict and not giving in when your kids are being stubborn and unreasonable inevitably leads to anxious, damaged children who resent you is nonsense and I have no doubt is something that parents who can't discipline their kids tell themselves to feel better.

premicrois · 15/03/2023 08:44

@ColonelDax

You were boring yesterday...

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 09:01

premicrois · 15/03/2023 08:44

@ColonelDax

You were boring yesterday...

By all means get an assessment but if a child is well behaved in every environment except one, there is a very good chance it's the environment that is the problem, and not the child.

This is actually bullshit.

As opposed to your constructive additions....

Phineyj · 15/03/2023 09:11

I think the missing element (that the books I suggested deal with well) is that if destructive or violent behaviours are the result of anxiety or overwhelm, unmet additional needs, emotions that aren't understood or named, etc, strict authoritarian parenting is very likely to make the problem worse.

OP has not detailed what kind of violence she is experiencing but in our case it was shin kicking, hitting and punching, spitting etc.

At the very least if you are going to up the ante and encourage a battle of wills, you need safe handling training or someone could get badly hurt.

The other element posters are ignoring is the need to keep the sibling safe.

Traditional parenting courses and approaches are very little help with this and can make things worse.

apparentlynothin · 15/03/2023 09:39

Phineyj · 15/03/2023 09:11

I think the missing element (that the books I suggested deal with well) is that if destructive or violent behaviours are the result of anxiety or overwhelm, unmet additional needs, emotions that aren't understood or named, etc, strict authoritarian parenting is very likely to make the problem worse.

OP has not detailed what kind of violence she is experiencing but in our case it was shin kicking, hitting and punching, spitting etc.

At the very least if you are going to up the ante and encourage a battle of wills, you need safe handling training or someone could get badly hurt.

The other element posters are ignoring is the need to keep the sibling safe.

Traditional parenting courses and approaches are very little help with this and can make things worse.

And to quote Ross Greene, behaviourally challenging kids are challenging because they’re lacking the skills to not be challenging.

Punishing a child for lacking developmental capacity is unfair and counterproductive.

OP - as other have suggested, if you move to Special Needs/SEN boards, you'll be with parents dealing with similar challenges, without the crank element AIBU attracts.

premicrois · 15/03/2023 09:48

@ColonelDax

Well it's not the only thing I said, however yes, the part I called bullshit was indeed bullshit.

What I don't do is as go on and on and on telling everyone and anyone multiple times over that it was bullshit. Until now, when you have raised it again.

Do you see the pattern?

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 09:52

premicrois · 15/03/2023 09:48

@ColonelDax

Well it's not the only thing I said, however yes, the part I called bullshit was indeed bullshit.

What I don't do is as go on and on and on telling everyone and anyone multiple times over that it was bullshit. Until now, when you have raised it again.

Do you see the pattern?

I'm responding to people challenging or straight up insulting me, much as you are right now with this post.

I imagine you only characterise it as 'going on and on' because you disagree with me, want to shut me down but can't formulate an intelligent response.

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 09:54

@ColonelDax

i will hazard a guess

you are retired. All adult children. No partner.

Fond memories of how you emptied your daughter’s room of everything bar the bed and forbade her from reading. And two days later this little girl finally apologised and you “won”.

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 09:54

I don’t know who I feel sorrier for you

your DD, but at least now she’s moved out
or you

User4891 · 15/03/2023 09:56

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 08:39

I have thought about this post again and it warrants a longer response.

The implication here is that if you get into a battle of wills with a child, it will inevitably be damaging for them. I don't see that. Previous posters are focusing on one incident that i described where things came to a head when my youngest tried to push her boundaries, and we couldn't back down in order to show her that when we say things, we mean them. It doesn't characterise our relationship and to be honest, having a blow up incident where you prove you wont budge is good thing as it sticks in memory and means you really don't have to do anything for 95% of future occasions, just refer to it and remind your kids that you mean what you say. That's far easier and kinder on them than dealing with incident after incident after incident as they come, which is what some of the other parents I used to be friends with faced, particularly in the tween/teens years.

Children need structure and clear boundaries and to know that if their parent says something, they mean it. This can be misportayed as the 'strict' parent only caring about punishment, while the 'kind' parent gets to the bottom of the behaviour and fixes it at source. Really its far more complicated, I was proudly a strict parent, but i also talked with my children constantly and sought to understand why they were doing what they were doing and then to work through their behaviour, but if it warranted it and they pushed me, I pushed right back and I never backed down.

I think you need both approaches in conjunction, the kindness and understanding only approach, with no real consequence to poor behaviour isn't the way either.

The idea that being strict and not giving in when your kids are being stubborn and unreasonable inevitably leads to anxious, damaged children who resent you is nonsense and I have no doubt is something that parents who can't discipline their kids tell themselves to feel better.

Show quote history

Of course they need firm boundaries but my point is that you can and should do this without bullying or intimidating the child.

Being firm is calmly saying 'you can watch TV after you've tidied your toys' and meaning it, maybe acknowledging why it's difficult/upsetting for the child and offering rationalle if the child is calm enough to receive this but not backing down all the same. Being a bully is 'I will confine you to a room, offer you no emotional connection and take away any meaningful possessions for reasons that you're probably in too much of an emotionally heightened state to be able to make sense of' There's a huge difference. If you can't see how the latter is likely to be damaging to a developing brain then no amount of explanation from me will be able to explain it.

premicrois · 15/03/2023 09:58

I'm responding to people challenging or straight up insulting me, much as you are right now with this post.

I imagine you only characterise it as 'going on and on' because you disagree with me, want to shut me down but can't formulate an intelligent response.

Ah, not just boring. Nasty too.

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 10:24

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 09:54

@ColonelDax

i will hazard a guess

you are retired. All adult children. No partner.

Fond memories of how you emptied your daughter’s room of everything bar the bed and forbade her from reading. And two days later this little girl finally apologised and you “won”.

Not retired, happily married, 3 adult children but thanks for caring.

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:27

What @user4891 said...

I have an autistic DS who has very high support needs at school, including lots of what's called 'challenging behaviours'. This is not because he's a bad child, it's because the primary school environment isn't especially autism-friendly (they're trying).

I don't get those behaviours at home (much) and it's not because I'm an amazing parent, or he gets away with murder, it's because he's under less environmental/sensory stress at home - so it's easier for him - and because I have a variety of strategies to work 1-to-1 through his neurodivergence.

On Saturday, he didn't want to do his homework. We sat for 2 1/2 hours working through strategies, including Plan B from the Explosive Child (which didn't work), during which he panicked and tried to trash the front room. Eventually, remembering that the school educational psychologist mentioned possible PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), I read some PDA strategies and tried one of them (using a soft toy to make indirect requests). Immediately, he did all his homework, as good as gold.

At no point was he locked up in a room and deprived of anything. If he's deliberately horrid to his little brother, he sometimes loses a soft toy for two hours, but that's about it. Mostly, his behaviour is great, however, and that's because we MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING and, unlike a busy primary school, we have the resources to make it happen.

We did all the strict parent stuff, naughty step, blah blah before he was diagnosed because his kindergarten thought we didn't set boundaries, were bad parents, etc. etc. It didn't work and, in fact, it made his behaviour worse.

If a child is neurodivergent, you need to find out HOW they are neurodivergent and try strategies designed for the neurodivergence. Likewise, if they are experiencing emotional trauma, you need to identify the root cause and try to clear it up. Either could be happening here, so the first step is to rule out neurodivergence before considering mental health.

The most important thing to remember is that, if a child has a rock-like strong will (as my DS does), then you have two choices - go around the rock or actually cut through a rock. If the aim is to get to the other side, safely, then it's a heck of a lot easier - and less damaging - to find a way around the rock than to escalate like @ColonelDax until you end up trying to win a battle of wills with a similarly-determined kid.

Because, yes, the parent will win, but it's like nuking the entire world - you win in theory, but you don't gain much and you leave a lot of damage. I don't need to win a battle of wills with DS because, oddly enough, by understanding his neurodivergence, I can GET HIM TO DO WHAT I WANT, with limited stress and without escalating. This is because I am a grown-up who can read online resources about PDA, and he is a six year old🙄

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 10:31

User4891 · 15/03/2023 09:56

Of course they need firm boundaries but my point is that you can and should do this without bullying or intimidating the child.

Being firm is calmly saying 'you can watch TV after you've tidied your toys' and meaning it, maybe acknowledging why it's difficult/upsetting for the child and offering rationalle if the child is calm enough to receive this but not backing down all the same. Being a bully is 'I will confine you to a room, offer you no emotional connection and take away any meaningful possessions for reasons that you're probably in too much of an emotionally heightened state to be able to make sense of' There's a huge difference. If you can't see how the latter is likely to be damaging to a developing brain then no amount of explanation from me will be able to explain it.

Show quote history

Nobody was bullied or intimidated, I was always very clear, do what you are asked or there will be a consequence. No shouting, no screaming, all very calm and matter of fact. We would talk about why she didn't want to do it, but ultimately, its still going to be done. If she got angry and rude, fine, the consequences previously explained will now be enacted. Always making it clear that consequences end as soon as she does what she was asked and apologies for her rudeness.

That's just action and consequence. Important lessons for a child to take on board early.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/03/2023 10:35

@Londonwriter fantastic post.

Anyfeckinusername · 15/03/2023 10:37

I've got two kids similar ages to your son (is your child a boy?, sorry if I've got that wrong), mine are 7 and 9.

I am also split from their dad, and on an EOW schedule also.

Ok - I am in the U.K., but not all au fait with navigating councils, assessments, how to circumvent processes etc.

But it sounds like, parent to parent, you child is screaming at you for something. When you strip it right back, it sounds like it's YOU for sure but not in a bad way!! - they need something more from you. Is that comfort, reassurance, boundaries, a mix of all of them, I don't know.

I don't want to throw even more into the mix, but I have rowed back on "manners above all else" ie when there's an outrageous tantrum instead of disciplining for behaviour (the delivery of the tantrum) I've got to listen and dig into what the tantrum is all about. My only suggestion is not to bypass this crucial bit.

I would also try find some child physchologist/play therapist for help.

Your child is 8 and it sounds like there is so much going on that they are trying to deal with.

Good luck op I do sympathise.

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 10:49

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:27

What @user4891 said...

I have an autistic DS who has very high support needs at school, including lots of what's called 'challenging behaviours'. This is not because he's a bad child, it's because the primary school environment isn't especially autism-friendly (they're trying).

I don't get those behaviours at home (much) and it's not because I'm an amazing parent, or he gets away with murder, it's because he's under less environmental/sensory stress at home - so it's easier for him - and because I have a variety of strategies to work 1-to-1 through his neurodivergence.

On Saturday, he didn't want to do his homework. We sat for 2 1/2 hours working through strategies, including Plan B from the Explosive Child (which didn't work), during which he panicked and tried to trash the front room. Eventually, remembering that the school educational psychologist mentioned possible PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), I read some PDA strategies and tried one of them (using a soft toy to make indirect requests). Immediately, he did all his homework, as good as gold.

At no point was he locked up in a room and deprived of anything. If he's deliberately horrid to his little brother, he sometimes loses a soft toy for two hours, but that's about it. Mostly, his behaviour is great, however, and that's because we MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING and, unlike a busy primary school, we have the resources to make it happen.

We did all the strict parent stuff, naughty step, blah blah before he was diagnosed because his kindergarten thought we didn't set boundaries, were bad parents, etc. etc. It didn't work and, in fact, it made his behaviour worse.

If a child is neurodivergent, you need to find out HOW they are neurodivergent and try strategies designed for the neurodivergence. Likewise, if they are experiencing emotional trauma, you need to identify the root cause and try to clear it up. Either could be happening here, so the first step is to rule out neurodivergence before considering mental health.

The most important thing to remember is that, if a child has a rock-like strong will (as my DS does), then you have two choices - go around the rock or actually cut through a rock. If the aim is to get to the other side, safely, then it's a heck of a lot easier - and less damaging - to find a way around the rock than to escalate like @ColonelDax until you end up trying to win a battle of wills with a similarly-determined kid.

Because, yes, the parent will win, but it's like nuking the entire world - you win in theory, but you don't gain much and you leave a lot of damage. I don't need to win a battle of wills with DS because, oddly enough, by understanding his neurodivergence, I can GET HIM TO DO WHAT I WANT, with limited stress and without escalating. This is because I am a grown-up who can read online resources about PDA, and he is a six year old🙄

But your child is autistic, so a different approach applies.

Why would a parent of a child without a pre-existing condition such as autism possibly want to sit for 2 1/2 hours trying to convince a child to do their homework? Its not a discussion, they bloody do it!

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:52

@ColonelDax I know that sounds like ‘just action and consequence’, but - with a PDA child, for example - that JUST DOESN’T WORK.

Just the existence of the sentence “You need to do X or else Y” will cause a PDA child to get anxious over a perceived demand, and panic. If I phrased everything as “You need to do X or then Y” then my house would be a trashed mess with a panicky non-verbal DS rocking and making incoherent verbalisations on the sofa.

This is why it’s really important to find out WHY a child is struggling to meet behavioural expectations, e.g. anxiety, distress, neurodivergence, rather than just assuming the parents aren’t strict enough.

I promise you, I tried “You need to do your homework or we can’t go to the museum tomorrow” as a first strategy with the homework, and it caused my DS to shout “I don’t want to go to the museum” and try to trash the front room. He only did the homework when I tried some strategies designed for PDA.

This is the magic of understanding what’s going on with a child and using tailor-made strategies. I can often magically get my ‘challenging kid with major support needs’ to do things just by phrasing requests in a specific way. I don’t keep escalating because I DON’T NEED TO. When I get the right strategy in place, he just - almost by magic - displays the behaviour I want.

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:59

@ColonelDax The OP doesn’t know their DC isn’t neurodivergent. That’s why it needs ruling out. Autism and ADHD don’t come with a huge sign. If you met my DS in the street, you probably wouldn’t even know he was autistic, but he actually has high support needs🙄

If the OP’s DC is neurodivergent, they are doubtless less affected than my DS, as they wouldn’t be able to function in school for this long. It doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what’s going on with the OP, but it does need ruling out.

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 11:04

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:52

@ColonelDax I know that sounds like ‘just action and consequence’, but - with a PDA child, for example - that JUST DOESN’T WORK.

Just the existence of the sentence “You need to do X or else Y” will cause a PDA child to get anxious over a perceived demand, and panic. If I phrased everything as “You need to do X or then Y” then my house would be a trashed mess with a panicky non-verbal DS rocking and making incoherent verbalisations on the sofa.

This is why it’s really important to find out WHY a child is struggling to meet behavioural expectations, e.g. anxiety, distress, neurodivergence, rather than just assuming the parents aren’t strict enough.

I promise you, I tried “You need to do your homework or we can’t go to the museum tomorrow” as a first strategy with the homework, and it caused my DS to shout “I don’t want to go to the museum” and try to trash the front room. He only did the homework when I tried some strategies designed for PDA.

This is the magic of understanding what’s going on with a child and using tailor-made strategies. I can often magically get my ‘challenging kid with major support needs’ to do things just by phrasing requests in a specific way. I don’t keep escalating because I DON’T NEED TO. When I get the right strategy in place, he just - almost by magic - displays the behaviour I want.

I think we are talking at cross purposes, I've never tried to tell parents of PDA children how to parent them, I have no experience of that.

I'm talking about parenting neurotypical children, which as i've said repeatedly and been ignored, is probably what the OP is talking about as well.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/03/2023 11:15

ColonelDax · 15/03/2023 11:04

I think we are talking at cross purposes, I've never tried to tell parents of PDA children how to parent them, I have no experience of that.

I'm talking about parenting neurotypical children, which as i've said repeatedly and been ignored, is probably what the OP is talking about as well.

Show quote history

What you are actually doing is saying that unless there is a diagnosis parents should use your parenting methods.

Even though this might be an extremely bad, and even dangerous idea for the OP and it would go against HCP advice where a child is being violent, no matter the reason for it.

I'll hazard a guess that when your child was punished by you at 9 years old you weren't experiencing the situation as OP describes in her bullet points. I doubt very much your child was being violent towards you or had the breadth of difficulties that the OP describes which are consistent with neurodiversity and have led so many of us on here to urge the OP to get this ruled out.

FYI PDA is a type of neurodiversity. It's part of the autism spectrum. Many autistic children have demand avoidance traits the extent to which can vary with their anxiety levels but not all will have PDA. PDA is a rare diagnosis which many areas do not yet diagnose or recognise. Whilst my eldest autistic child has no PDA diagnosis PDA parenting worked for him when his mental health was rock bottom. My youngest autistic daughter is not demand avoidant therefore I parent her differently. In both cases like @Londonwriter we get to the end result, just without the escalations, meltdowns and trauma that your approach would lead to in the case of both presentations of autism.

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 11:16

@ColonelDax You're being ignored because the behaviours the OP is describing sounds remarkably like the experience that parents of neurodivergent children have with their kids.

This doesn't mean what is going on, but - if it hasn't been ruled out - it's an important place to start.

We're all providing this information because there is a lot of misunderstanding about neurodivergence. For example, that it's obvious at a very young age, that neurodivergent kids are 'disabled everywhere' or that it presents as a 'learning difficulty' or 'disability'.

I did not know my DS was autistic until he went to a formal kindergarten and started trashing the place. We actually blamed ourselves, and our family situation (a newborn during lockdown), and saw a family therapist for a while. The therapist was equally perplexed about what we were doing 'wrong' and spent ages drilling down into it. Neither he, nor our GP, believed - from what we were describing - that our DS could be autistic, rather than 'a bit awkward'.

Our DS has actually such high support needs that he currently needs a full-time 1-to-1 to participate in mainstream primary education, and he may need to move to a DSP (a specialised autism support unit) for secondary school. It is still almost invisible at home (except for the rare situation with homework).

We are all trying to suggest to the OP that they look into this, if they haven't already, because neurodivergence (and emotional/MH difficulties) are WAY more common than 'I'm an inexplicably bad parent despite being anxious enough about my parenting that I'm posting on Mumsnet'. So, these things need looking into.

User4891 · 15/03/2023 11:26

Londonwriter · 15/03/2023 10:27

What @user4891 said...

I have an autistic DS who has very high support needs at school, including lots of what's called 'challenging behaviours'. This is not because he's a bad child, it's because the primary school environment isn't especially autism-friendly (they're trying).

I don't get those behaviours at home (much) and it's not because I'm an amazing parent, or he gets away with murder, it's because he's under less environmental/sensory stress at home - so it's easier for him - and because I have a variety of strategies to work 1-to-1 through his neurodivergence.

On Saturday, he didn't want to do his homework. We sat for 2 1/2 hours working through strategies, including Plan B from the Explosive Child (which didn't work), during which he panicked and tried to trash the front room. Eventually, remembering that the school educational psychologist mentioned possible PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), I read some PDA strategies and tried one of them (using a soft toy to make indirect requests). Immediately, he did all his homework, as good as gold.

At no point was he locked up in a room and deprived of anything. If he's deliberately horrid to his little brother, he sometimes loses a soft toy for two hours, but that's about it. Mostly, his behaviour is great, however, and that's because we MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING and, unlike a busy primary school, we have the resources to make it happen.

We did all the strict parent stuff, naughty step, blah blah before he was diagnosed because his kindergarten thought we didn't set boundaries, were bad parents, etc. etc. It didn't work and, in fact, it made his behaviour worse.

If a child is neurodivergent, you need to find out HOW they are neurodivergent and try strategies designed for the neurodivergence. Likewise, if they are experiencing emotional trauma, you need to identify the root cause and try to clear it up. Either could be happening here, so the first step is to rule out neurodivergence before considering mental health.

The most important thing to remember is that, if a child has a rock-like strong will (as my DS does), then you have two choices - go around the rock or actually cut through a rock. If the aim is to get to the other side, safely, then it's a heck of a lot easier - and less damaging - to find a way around the rock than to escalate like @ColonelDax until you end up trying to win a battle of wills with a similarly-determined kid.

Because, yes, the parent will win, but it's like nuking the entire world - you win in theory, but you don't gain much and you leave a lot of damage. I don't need to win a battle of wills with DS because, oddly enough, by understanding his neurodivergence, I can GET HIM TO DO WHAT I WANT, with limited stress and without escalating. This is because I am a grown-up who can read online resources about PDA, and he is a six year old🙄

You actually sound like an incredibly good parent tbh! You have recognised that all children need firm but emotionally in tune parenting whether they have an underlying ND or not. You adapt to the individual child's needs because of their ND but don't let it define them or excuse unhelpful/antisocial behaviour. Spot on IMO xx