Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

[MumsTheIssue]

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

• Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

• Does not respond to praise

• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

• Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

• School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

• Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

• A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

• Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

• Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

• Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

Have you spoken to the school nurse, they might be able to help even if it is point you in direction of help.

You can call the police when your child is being violent towards you.

I would press on with the GP and camhs and the school to find some support.

Keep a diary as had been suggested too.

See if there are any local sn support groups you can access. There might be some on FB you can ask that sort of thing on a community page for your area.

My dd with asd sounds very much like your dd. Mine is older now but these things do not go away. Trust your gut instinct.

We had this with one of ours between 7-9 years old.

There’s a big testosterone surge in boys then, which can exacerbate things, and yes, he was masking at school and when with others so it all exploded at home.

It was bloody hard work. I know it’s small comfort, but your child is like this with you because you’re the only one they feel will still love them, even when they lash out.

My ASD DC was like this too - yes it is masking, fizzy cola bottle effect. They bottle it all up and let it explode with you. You are their safe place.

Eventually, at 15, my actually DC followed through with their I hate you I want to live with my dad (who also did none of the daily parenting or endless hospital appointments and made himself available two weekends a month) and moved in with him, discharging themselves from CAHMS and any other support in the process.

I was absolutely gutted, still am if I'm honest, I find it best not to think about it too much.

Op, the school have said it’s your fault and said that they will be involving SS unless there is a change.

Sounds like you and the school have a very poor relationship. Have you considered alternative school?

Curious... why did you go to all the effort of hiding your child's sex in that long post?

You're describing my autistic daughter at that age As others have said, it's masking until they feel safe and then the wheels fall off

CAMHS basically put it all down to poor parenting. Social Services couldn't have cared less, and school couldn't even see a problem. We moved abroad when she was a young teen and was diagnosed shortly after.

I knew nothing about autism at the time but now know she was presenting absolutely typical autism behaviours for girls.

I know of several DC eventually diagnosed with Autism that presented like this. School were shocked as they were "no problem" at school.

Ask GP to refer for ASD assessment?

Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough
Is there some reason you don’t see that as a viable solution? I'd tell her to tell daddy she wants to move in tomorrow.

Yep masking sounds very likely as others have suggested. No it is not you. I think every mother ever of a child with ND has asked them self that at some stage.

My friend’s son was recently diagnosed with OCD and he is particularly disabled already by ASD. She had an awful time getting the OCD diagnosis even though she absolutely knew something was very wrong. He was pulling her house apart daily and this was new behaviour in an older child. In the end she created a situation she absolutely knew would result in a meltdown and called an ambulance so she would have others witnessing the destruction that was ongoing anyway.

She was fuming that it got to that level before she was listened to but like you she had loads of dismissive people who were completely misunderstanding her experiences. @MumsTheIssue anyone would start to question their reality under that level of gaslighting. These people are denying your actual experiences with your son. Trust yourself. You know what you are experiencing. Stand strong and keep trying to find others who will listen. You are right here. You are a good Mum advocating for her son.

@Liorae Because ExH doesn't want DC fulltime, he's the fun every other weekend dad, no way would he do the full time thing. I don't want DC to feel rejected by me, even if it is my fault, it's me that has to change not DC and by saying "Tell dad that then" I feel its a rejection of them.

His dad needs to step up and stop being a very-part-time parent. It’s ridiculous that you’re having to deal with all of this yourself. Make him have him for a full week sometime this year at the very least.

You can get up earlier. Get up at 5:30am. Put him to bed at 6:30 with black-out blinds. Get everything ready to go the evening before, down to toothpaste on the toothbrush.

I would call SS myself rather than live with the threat from the school. Perhaps they can help you as you’re being beaten up by your children in your own home and no-one else is supporting you. They’ll be bigger and stronger as time goes on.

No, its not you that needs to change. She needs to understand that her behavior is unacceptable and that you will no longer put up with it.

SN parent here. This screams autism and extreme masking. You do not need the school's backing to have a diagnosis. Whoever told you that is wrong. GP and ask for a referral. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's such bloody hard work.

Your DC sounds extremely similar to my DD. It wasn’t until she was 10 that we managed to get her on the list for assessment. Everything except the violence (she throws tantrums that go on for hours until she’s vomiting & has petichiae from the screaming & crying.)

Don't know if your DC is SN but I'm actually shocked that schools these days correlate good/normal academic performance to no SN.

Only diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, missed diagnosis for ADHD back when I was in school because I was very clever/bright, tons of other adults now tell the same story. I thought it was common knowledge now that ADHD/ASD doesn't at all mean slow academically, and in many cases can also mean brighter than average. I guess it's not actually.

Please don’t keep them out of the house longer or invite people over to avoid the behaviour OP. That would be horrific for them if they are autistic or have some other need as they will just put more energy into masking. Masking also has horrible long term mental and physical health impacts (just ask almost any late diagnosed autistic woman!)

To echo others, you are their safe space which I know is probably little comfort at the moment. You could be describing me as a child and I was eventually diagnosed with autism as an adult. The school also refused to cooperate and my parents were told the same - no diagnosis if the school don’t agree. That doesn’t mean to say your child is autistic but they are certainly masking SOMETHING. My advice, having worked in this field, is to be the pushy parent and keep pushing until someone listens. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

And yes, tell your XH to do one. Unless/until he has your DC for an extended period, including school routine, he doesn’t get to pronounce judgment on the matter.

@Liorae do you have children?

if so, did you clock this child is…. 8?

OP I really advise you to contact a psychologist in private practice who specialises in child development: portal.bps.org.uk/Psychologist-Search/Directory-of-Chartered-Psychologists

I agree that it sounds like masking to me and that you are their 'safe space'. The 'fine but quiet' persona sounds like it is covering up a great deal of anxiety for your child, and with you is the only place they can let it out.

The reason is probably because most people don't discard or pass their children on when things get difficult.

I’m guessing hoping @Liorae doesnt have children

It’s utter rubbish that ASD etc is associated with poor academic performance. I have ASD & did extremely well in school despite difficult home life & severe MH issues as a teen.

My friend bought me this book when I first began to realise my daughter might be autistic. The title's not great and the terms have moved on., but I found it to be a godsend. It has a very detailed checklist of autistic behaviours. Not your usual, somewhat vague general ones, but very specific real life behaviours. There were so many that my daughter did that I never even realised were connected to the ones which were causing issues. I never even realised they were part of the bigger picture so had never mentioned them to anyone.

For example, it never occured to me to tell the CAMHS psychologist that when she painted a picture she covered the entire paper with so much paint it took a week to dry. What has that got to do with her having tantrums and trashing her bedroom? I never knew that they were 2 different expressions of the same underlying condition. (and clearly neither did her teachers)

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Your-Asperger-Child-Individualized/dp/B002SB8PW4

You are not the problem here.
I don't think your child necessarily has a diagnosable disorder either.
I strongly suggest you get help from a child psychologist for family therapy. The situation has been created by a number of factors and you're going to need a professionally skilled outside perspective to help find ways forwards.

Please don't continue putting up with this. You and your child both deserve a better relationship with each other. If things aren't worked on now, you're likely to have much bigger problems in the teenage years, which it sounds like you'll end up being blamed for too.

We're waiting for assessment but everyone seems to think the outcome is inevitable, and yes, it sounds exactly like my DS, except for the NRP bit as I'm still with his dad, but everything else. Late for school (escalated to school refusal), violent meltdowns, hard to discipline him as he says he doesn't care/would never stay in one place for naughty step or anything similar.

School always said he was fine, no concerns, until last year. Difference is school have been very supportive in doing the referral and getting it expedited.