Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I’m a dog lover but I feel so sorry for you having to live with one when you don’t want to. I know a lot of people who didn’t want dogs and were talked into it and now love them. If you feel as you do now it’s unlikely that will ever happen.

Not a dog expert but have had dogs in the family and know just how much responsibility and hard work they can be. I also know that they do calm down as they get older and maybe a bit more training could be needed. It seems pretty drastic to say it's me or the dog if your relationship is otherwise good.

Oh dear. I would choose my dog over my partner so I do understand his pov.

I think the dog has highlighted the sad fact that this relationship has run its course. He said he will leave so that is what he must do.

Could you stay married and live separately? Sorry if that’s a crazy idea but most mumsnetters appear to be much richer than me.

You aren’t wrong to hate having the dog.

I'm a dog lover but I sympathize with everything you are saying.

The pot digging etc WILL stop as it gets older. But those first couple of years are challenging.

In addition the bond with a dog is like a family member and it would be like asking your husband to get rid of his brother

Not sure there really is a satisfactory outcome here

Have you bonded with the dog? Maybe if you get more cuddles etc you will overlook the shortcomings?

If he’s completely besotted with the dog and upholding his side of the bargain then I think getting rid of the dog would be the end of your relationship anyway, as how could he not be heartbroken, guilty and resentful of you?

I do equally feel very sorry for you as it sounds stressful and like it’s impacting on your mental health. I just don’t think rehoming the dog would fix your situation.

Is it within budget for him to look at a week’s home stay for the dog every couple of months? Have you tried getting out on walks with the dog? If you treat the problem like a bonding issue, then perhaps the negatives will hold less weight. The dog will calm down and stop ruining your garden. The dog will be clever and should be trained to only urinate in one section of the garden (your husband’s job, obviously). We have a ‘toilet’ area for dog of about a metre sq and that’s the only spot he wees in. I’m also a big garden lover.

You aren't wrong, living with a dog isn't for everyone but I can see why he's saying he'd leave before giving up the dog as well. Just a horrid situation with no winners as you've already got the dog and he's already bonded.

Training classes may help you? Some of what you're talking about sounds fixable. The dog will calm down as it gets older but either way dogs shouldn't be destroying the house (past early puppy teething chewing) and they can be trained to only go to the toilet in a specific area in the garden so your plants don't get wrecked. If your husband can get the actual behavioural issues sorted you may find yourself much happier.

I am a dog owner, but I firmly believe that you should not have been pressured into having a dog when you clearly didn’t want one. But you are where you are unfortunately.

But I can also believe that DH and I would both take the dogs and leave if the other suggested the dogs had to be rehomed. I don’t think that is drastic, I think I would feel differently about DH if he wanted to do that to the dogs, I just couldn’t let that happen to them, I would have no choice but to leave.

I think you need to focus on better training for your dog (by that I mean he should not you should). Yes I would say the puppy antics can last two years, but they don’t all destroy the house in the meantime, one of mine used to chew books on a low shelf when he was a puppy, but otherwise they have never damaged anything. Poo in the garden needs to be picked up, digging needs to be stopped, funny I found my dogs peeing in the garden sprouted a patch of tropical rainforest rather than killed anything!

This sounds really strange to me. The poor dog will be picking up on the anxiety and tension you know. I’d be wondering what more there is behind this, why you are so against the dog and judgemental/resentful of his existence. You sound very joyless. Perhaps if you engaged in the walks and training yourself, you’d find the dog (and the husband) are not as awful as you seem to have decided they are?

I'd let him leave, he knew you never really wanted it anyway. If my husband chose a dog he'd had for five minutes over our marriage, fuck him 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’d never give my husband that ultimatum as the dog would win. I love the dog but he adores her and the lifestyle it gives him (us). I am happy that she makes him happy, gets him out and she brings him a huge amount of joy. Dread anything happening to her.

I can imagine life without her, which would be easier, he can’t.

Any chance you can reframe it that way in your head?

also it honestly does get easier, they calm down at about 2 ….really. Ours destroyed my garden as a puppy, but now largely ignores it. but your husband could help you dogproof it and keep dog away from best bits, that’s possible. Watch GW and his dogs in the garden.

That is such rubbish and not fair on Op. She was pressurised to have a dog, her suggestion to have a smaller dog was ignored and she's stressed and unhappy with the lifestyle that comes with having a dog.
Op - your husband should be vacuuming the hairs every day. He should be keeping the garden clean more than once a day and working out a solution that stops it being destroyed.
As an animal owner myself I completely understand people saying they would rather leave than rehome. I can understand why Op's husband is threatening that. However I also think that he's been massively unfair to Op, completely bulldozing her into getting a dog and maybe this hints that the marriage isn't a great partnership anyway.

I'm a dog lover, but I really feel for you op and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

It's still a puppy and likely won't calm down for at least another few years. For every one human year, a good rule of thumb is 7 dog years. So at the moment it's in toddler stage, then it'll be teenager, then 20s and after that I find they start to become less stress and calmer, but that's in year 4 onwards

I love my garden too, but some dogs love to dig and you can't stop them.

I don't see a way round it, as you said it's you or the dog. Your dh was an idiot to get such a large dog in the first place. A smaller more passive dog would have been better suited, so he's partly to blame here too

I think to declare the OP joyless is extremely unfair.

@ulabella has expressed she found joy in her garden, in a clean, calm and relaxing home. She enjoys the freedom to go out and return to a calm environment that’s not being destroyed by a puppy.

This tbh.

Honestly I have loads of “mum friends” who are absolutely run into the ground with work and young children. Then for some reason they decide to add a dog into the mix. This is the point at which I want to stop listening to how stressed they are and how difficult their lives are, tbh.

I like dogs fine, but I will never, ever understand this decision.

I feel you 💖
I took on my dm's ddog when she passed last year, she was worried about what would happen to the ddog when she died, terminal cancer, asked me to look after ddog so now I'm a dog mum 🙄
Tbh I didn't realise what I was taking on (I'm a cat person).
It's untrained, rules the house, I can't go anywhere without making arrangements, it's snappy, yappy, smelly and a complete arsehole.
But . . . . .I've actually learned to love it.
I wouldn't be able to re-home ddog as it's now family (just the two of us).
Do I wish I didn't have a dog?Yep.
Could you try to change your mindset, try to bond with it, take it to a training school to create a bond?
I'm totally with you re dog hair, wee, pooing, ruining the garden, in fact I've fenced off the patio area so ddog can't get down the garden and cause havoc.
I get the conundrum, dh wants to keep the ddog, probably loves it?
You otoh don't and never did want a dog.
Someone has to compromise, you have my sympathy

YANBU. I've had dogs all my life but honestly, they're a huge responsibility and even the easygoing ones require a lot of care and training. I more often than not advise friends not to get a dog if they ask me.

The worse thing you can do is choose a breed for its looks, which your husband has done. Even a cursory Web search of the GSP breed throws up that they are very difficult from 0-3 years and prone to separation anxiety. The AKC also states "be prepared for lots of shedding" so where your DH got his info on low shedding from? 🤷‍♀️

They are working dogs that need a huge amount of exercise and stimulation. Is your husband going to be using the dog as a gun dog or is it just a pet?

We have friends going through this at the moment. She wanted a dog, he didn't. She got a rescue of unknown origin from overseas that has caused no end of issues. It's now huge, barks constantly, has separation anxiety and is nervous of its own shadow. They have spent a fortune on dog behaviourists and trainers. It's really driven a wedge between them as he hates it, but he has to walk it as it's too powerful for her. It's absolute madness.

A dog should enhance your life, not dominate it, which yours is doing.
You have my sympathy OP.

This is exactly the kind of dog lover bullshit the op was worried about. Thankfully other dog owners on this thread are much more level headed.

I feel terrible for you, op.

What about banning the dog from the back garden? Your husband will just have to take him out every time the dog needs to go.

I’ve no answers but it seems very unfair on you-you’ve done all the compromising while your dh has got exactly what he wanted

I do understand how you feel. I have a dog that my DP really wanted us to get. We split 6 months ago and he won't take her with him. Says he can't because of his job. I have a job too but apparently mine is less important than his.

Our dog is super well behaved and truly and utterly lovely. But I am so resentful that I have this creature to be responsible for, by myself, for the next 10 years or so.

They really are life changing, even the easy ones.

I don't really have any advice, but if you're both saying you'd rather be on your own than live with/without the dog, perhaps your relationship isn't as strong as it should be?

It's particularly unfair on you as you're not the one who changed the dynamics.

I really feel for you. I was the least keen on getting our puppy and went for it and definitely felt the Armageddon you describe. And just hated the dog sometimes, so much resentment for all his shenanigans. But now there is more of a balance where the love and joy in him has grown which helps me to forgive some of the nonsense. Do you think you could/do you ever want to get to that place? Or are you totally decided? As if you are this is a marriage issue more than a dog one.

I just feel sorry for the dog in all this. Would
you really want to put it through rehoming? When it clearly has one loving owner? Poor thing, have you tried to engage with it? My dog is a pain the arse sometimes but I absolutely adore him and wouldn’t be without him. My little boy has just started saying his name and it’s just the best thing.

This is my idea of hell op.

Destroying things, the mess, size, it's too much even for some people who wanted them nevermind being bullied into it! No wonder you feel pushed out.

It's like living with a slob family member unwilling but .. fucking worse... It never grows up and moves out. Like a baby that just makes mess and takes and takes without all the lovely side of it to balance it out.

I would be serious about leaving, you are fundamentally incompatible. That's the problem. Your DH doesn't seem to value what you do any more (more flexible plans, clean tidy space,etc). That's your dilemma. Not a dog problem. It's a mismatch in values.

I think you're throwing the baby out with the bathwater if you leave. Imagine a future where you meet up with your ex and the dog is calm, quiet and obedient. You'd think 'why did we break up'?

I'd suck up the puppy stage, get DH to agree to dog proof the garden and reinstate it when the dog is less crazy, you get to pursue some hobbies out of the house and get guaranteed dog free time at the weekend a bit. Work out a system to get you through the crazy puppy stage and in a couple of years the dog will be much calmer.

I am in a similar situation. I put up with it and she’s age 12 now. It took her until about age 7 to chill out a bit and she drove me potty for those years. I tried so hard to bond with her as a puppy but just never felt we made a connection, which doesn’t help.

I would never choose to live with a dog again but my husband absolutely loves dogs and it would break his heart not to get another when she dies. No idea what we are going to do but it will inevitably end with one of us being disappointed.

Sorry I know that’s no help to you - but you have my sympathies!