Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

🙄

Im thinking people must be in some truly terrible relationships to be able to leave their partners so quickly for their dogs…

Oh @ulabella I really do sympathise. I was in almost the exact same situation about 3 years ago. DH always insistent that he was a dog person (having never had one 🙄). I had a dog when I was younger, hated it, then was bitten by a stranger's dog and became very frightened. I became comfortable around (other people's) dogs eventually, and so the gentle pressure started. I eventually agreed to a particular breed, but because of various circumstances/dodgy sellers, we ended up with a different breed puppy. Pup was doing absolutely nothing wrong, but I quite quickly became a stressed, anxious mess. Dreaded being at home, cried constantly, became physically unwell. I had to give the ultimatum after a month, it broke my DH and DS's hearts, but I'm grateful that DH agreed to re-home. Thankfully we found an amazing home with a family I've know my whole life, and I know pup is incredibly happy and well cared for.

I felt totally bloody awful at the time. The guilt was insane. I had done the wrong thing by bowing to the pressure. But DH had also done the wrong thing by asking endlessly, knowing my deep rooted feelings and fears.

I think part of your problem now is that given you've now had the dog for so long, your DH will have formed a real bond with it. I don't think he's in the right for having insisted on getting a pet that he knew you wouldn't be happy with, and I don't personally understand how people can put an animal above their family/partner either. It's a horrid situation for you.

(Sorry, I know that's no help, just sending solidarity really)

unfortunately I don’t think your situation with the dog is ever going to improve so you need to choose whether you want to put up with it for the sake of your dh or you would prefer to leave and be happy.

I was forced into getting two dogs early on in my marriage, I loved them both but did not enjoy having dogs for all the reasons you mentioned. When we split up, he refused to take the dogs. I muddled along for around 12 months and then I rehomed them to a lovely family. I felt awful at the time, but it was definitely the right decision for me and I can’t bear to have a dog even visiting in my home anymore. It was also best for the dogs, that they went to a family who truly enjoyed them and could give them the happy home they needed.

I must admit if I had to choose between keeping a dog and my husband leaving I would let my husband leave

I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal

Sorry, but for the next 8-14 years life will be planned around the dog. Working hours, meals out, holidays, family visits, etc. will all have to take the dog into consideration. They are not a light commitment. The impact and responsibility of dog ownership can never be compartmentalized onto just one member of the family.

When a dog person is married to/living with a non-dog person, the presence (or indeed absence) of a dog is always going to cause some resentment and difficulties.

This is how I would feel too tbh.
Making you choose feels abhorrent after such a long marriage , because this is what he is doing

I adore dogs and have two - both big and annoying, so I recognise the behaviours you have written about - but I completely sympathise with your situation. I fully believe that all household members must agree to any pet, especially a large dog. It's a very difficult situation, but I honestly think that in your shoes I would let him leave with the dog, reclaiming my lovely home for myself. I don't think I would want to stay in a relationship where a dog was prioritised over me - dh and I both really love our dogs, we would still put our relationship first.

Our dog is super well behaved and truly and utterly lovely. But I am so resentful that I have this creature to be responsible for, by myself, for the next 10 years or so

As a non-dog person, I hope this not a stupid question but why can’t you have the dog rehomed?

Did you even read the opening post? It goes into fairly large amounts of detail as to why they don’t like the dog - and I have to say it does sound pretty awful.

I honestly cannot think of a single way that only a dog would make our life as a family, better. Not a single one.
There are non-dog alternatives to any improvement it would bring. nothing is worth our home smelling of dog 🤢

There is definitely more your DH could be doing to keep the dog calm and contained while inside, and away from your precious plants outside.

Fencing, crate/on bed training, on lead, cordoning off parts of the house. The dog should be learning from a very young age that walk time is play time and to be calm inside. He can stay out of your garden completely!

He doesn't seem to be coming up with any solutions, and there have been several suggested on here: dog not allowed in some rooms, not allowed in garden. Is he willing to compromise at all? You've been very clear over a long time, it's his problem to solve.

The fact that your husband openly tells you he will leave you, end marriage because of the dog he had for 6 month is frankly offensive.
To all the posters who say they would choose a dog over their partner.. Why are you even together with a human??

No not batshit. I took my dogs for life, they are living things and I am not going to discard them at the whim of somebody else. I love my husband far more than I love my dogs, but if he announced they had to go, I truly would see no other choice but to take the dogs and go, because I consider myself responsible for them and I will be until the day they die. I would also be thinking less of my husband if he would be that cruel anyway so that would cushion the blow somewhat.

All that said, I would reiterate that I think OP’s husband has behaved appallingly in this situation, he has ridden roughshod over OP’s wishes, refused to compromise, showed no respect for her whatsoever and is a complete arse.

I've had Rottweilers over 20 years. I'm afraid if you are struggling now, you won't want to know what 10 month old GSDs are going to be like. Your DH wanted this so make him commit to training classes and perhaps get involved in a discipline at least for the first couple of years. It's going to get much harder otherwise I'm afraid, but once you are through that stage you will be able to enjoy having a dog far more xx

I love dogs too but I'm baffled by all these people saying they'd leave their marriage before they'd re home a dog which was making their, presumably loved, partner so unhappy. Must be a lot wrong with a lot of marriages then.

OP as others have said, things may improve with time and perhaps if you became more involved in walks and training you might feel differently. But if you're at the point now where both of you would choose separation over a dog then I think your relationship is done.

Just looking at this quote I wonder why this training hasn’t extended to crate training, toileting in a certain area and being given ongoing chew toys and thinks during the day ti keep the dog occupied and helping the teething.

Im a dog lover and owner of two but what you’ve been coerced into is so unfair. And so say the majority of dog lovers on this thread.

He needs to cover the full impact of young dog ownership. Not just one long walk and a bit of “training”.

I think it’s so wrong he forced this on you and then would be willing to leave you and choose the dog!

Why is the dog pooing in the garden & destroying it?

Does it not get enough walks?

Is it just left in the garden-if so-why?

Dogs are for life, that's fair. Still, makes me think even more that marriage vows are a bit of a joke.

You can’t break up a marriage over a dog!

It will get better. You both just need to compromise and set some rules in the house where the dog is allowed and where not. Get baby gates! Also an outhouse potentially.

Your DH is handling the bulk of the work so you have to just work it out.

The puppy & adolescent stage, even with being firmly in the 'dog wanted' camp, even when it's the third puppy, is a complete nightmare. I wanted to give ours away too at times!
It sounds as though you were talked into your DH having his own way and not taking your worries and reluctance seriously. It really sounds like you shouldn't have got the dog in the first place if you weren't both on the same page about it. If he is going to leave, whether it's over the dog or something else, he's going to go. Hugs x

Your DH said he'd be totally responsible for it and that means cleaning up the poo in the garden and not letting it tear up everything.

Has the dog been to training classes?
If not, it needs to start asap.

I like dogs but only small lap dogs.

Dear God, this.

And then the people here saying, "Well I'd choose my dog over my partner". Really not a flex.

The worst bit is the gaslighting of you. Plenty of people don't want to share space with a dog. Very few dogs are suited to domestic life.

Your husband sucks.

Despite what society promotes, not everyone enjoys having a dog.

You're not alone. I too could not live with a dog. I could not have one in my home.

You shouldn't be punished for more than a decade over this. Hopefully your DH will agree to rehome the dog.

Practically, can you section a part of the garden off for the dog to toilet in. If he’s going out on long walks there’s no need to have to the entire garden to toilet in/destroy. The dog will go out of this behaviour by the way….

Do you have a living room/ space the dog doesn’t have to access that can become your space?

Not ideal, but the dog will calm down. I think your DH is probably throwing all his toys out the pram as you agreed to this. Now you’ve changed your mind and to be honest my DH does this. It drives me insane. If you agree to something and you aren’t a child then imo you should see it through. We have a dog now and I’ll be getting another at some point, DH isn’t happy (he likes dogs but not the work that goes with it, but he’s away a lot and I do everything for the dog, so it’s tough and he accepts that and he’s kind to the dog, plays with him etc).

Puppies are destructive as hell, all this should’ve been talked through before getting the puppy. Sounds like your DH did research but you didn’t (because you didn’t really want the dog). That’s not your DH’s fault or the dog’s, it’s yours (sorry!)

Is your DH grooming the dog, vacuuming the hair etc? If not, he needs to.

You really need to try and bond with the dog (for your sake). You can’t throw a marriage away over the dog, I think your husband is just upset, this is his dream. The dog will be calmer- search the threads for puppy blues- even those that wanted dogs, have thought OMG what have I done…. The dog will calm down and likely be a much loved pet.