Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I think what I would find hard about a dog is that you can’t take them into….actually most places, it’s no longer considered OK to leave them chained up outside, it’s no longer considered OK to leave dogs tied up to a lamppost or in a car for more than a very short time, but they usually will not pee or poo in the house and can’t be left for more than a few hours anyway, so you end up stuck with this lifestyle of constantly trailing back to the house “to see to the dogs.” I have friends with dogs and have no idea how they can stand the lack of spontaneity in their lives. With kids, you can take toddlers and babies to most places, and you can take older kids almost anywhere.

I dunno, where I live people take dogs to cafes, shops, restaurants, hairdressers, supermarkets. My friends even take them to parties and hotels. That’s another thread though!

It's all good if you are doing the majority of the work, training, and caring for the dog and not leaving it all for your wife to deal with.

I'd be tempted to do a "dog ran away" scenario.

Find a good home for the dog with someone who has the time and space for it and deliver dog while DH is at work.

Oh no dog got out and ran away!

Problem solved!

Ffs.

It would probably end up with the dog finding its way back! 🤣😂

I had a pony when I was a kid who snuck out and ran back to the farm we got him from which was just a few miles down the road. 😂

Any chance of a photo? I've never seen a newfiepoo.

Here you go.

😍

Definitely merits a "SquEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEeeee" @Blossomtoes - she's lovely!

I can see both sides of this. I wonder how old your children are? If they are still at home then I can sympathise with the upheaval a dog can bring. Have they grown attached to the dog? This is also something to consider.

Whilst you’re not entirely to blame for this situation, you are being very unfair to the dog. Your husband researched the dog but , as a dog owner, I would have said a GSD was completely unsuitable for first time dog owners, especially with the type of home life you describe. I can sympathise- we always had Jack Russells. One died. We adopted a mongrel who was going to be a “small-medium” sized dog and it turns out he is half lab half GSD! The chewing and destructive stage I can sympathise with.

Many people have tried to offer you solutions, and you have rejected them because you don’t want to make the effort.

So let me be blunt (sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind). The bottom line is, what is more important here? Your clean house or your marriage?

If it’s the former, then get rid of the dog but be prepared for the marital consequences. If it’s the latter then I’m sorry to say but you have to suck it up. There are many options and ways to cope with a dog but it requires effort from you. The most important thing you can do is bond with the dog. It’s not a monster. Start by walking him with your husband every day, feed him, pet him. When he does something good praise him. Dogs feed off anxiety and react to stress.

There is no easy solution. You can’t have it both ways so you need to choose one and make it work for you.

I'd be very wary of doing too much of certain types of bonding with the dog.

If your DH is anything like mine he will take two giant leaps backwards for every tiny step you make forwards, and soon you'll be left training, walking and feeding the dog you never wanted.

I'd go for cuddles, tummy rubs and sitting beside you on the sofa.

Also when he took on the dog, he needed to take on the additional cleaning as well as the dog responsibilities. A robovacuum is very useful if he is prepared to switch it on and empty it daily.

Equally for the garden, can an area be fenced off , or the dog trained to pee in a certain area. DH despairs of our lawn ( thankfully I don't really care) and has fenced bits off and tried special rocks in water, the one thing he never tried was actually training and rewarding rookiedog for peeing in the right place.

My compromise to your DH would be that he steps up the cleaning and finds a way to dog proof part of the garden. If he's not already taking dog to training classes, he starts.
Give it a couple of months of that before anything dramatic.

OP’s dog is a German shorthaired pointer, not a German shepherd

Some of the comments are pretty unfair. It’s the DH who has delivered the ultimatum, not OP.

Personally I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who thought a dog was more important than me, but it’s not that simple IRL.

OP doesn’t like dogs and absolutely should not feel obliged to pick up the DH’s slack.

So funny everyone thinks this has something to do with a dog. It's nothing to do with the dog. Had the OPs husband held up good side of the bargain (amd he could be doig much much better than he is, that's no need for the dig to be this disruptive) amd have compassion for OPs feelings then she wouldn't be in this situation. But he didn't. He is refusing to see this from her poo isn't of view. Or make any steps to change it. He isn't coming to her saying good the fog 6 months and this is what I'll do to make it better. He's saying put up with it or I'll leave. The issue could be a dog, or not cleaning the house, or going away all the time or anything. It's the lack of respect and compromise that's the issue. The OP needs to decide whether she can live like that. And people saying divorce like it's nothing, I'm going through one and I cam testify it should NOT be aomething you embarl on lightly. Most stressful thing ever for everyone involved.

A dog is very specific though, it impinges on all aspects of your life including your home and garden, in a way that say being out 6 hrs a day cycling every weekend with young DCs is selfish, but at least you still have your home as a sanctuary.

I will never forget my upset when rookiedog got upstairs and destroyed DSs childhood favourite soft toy. DH did offer to re home him at that point ( primarily I think because he hadn't realised himself how much work a dog would be) but I couldn't do that to rookiedog and felt it gave a bad message to DS about bailing out of responsibilities, so we kept him and he calmed down a lot when he was a year old.

@charlie the poster below..
I really don't want to spend the next 12 odd years with the dog. I don't want to make the effort, you are absolutely right. Because I never wanted this or didn't know what it meant fully (in particular a gun dog). I have no energy for this, I can't find the motivation. Anything I have experienced so far doesn't convince me that i will fall in love with dog ownership soon, like many others here have experienced. I have a completely different lifestyle and aspirations to satisfy my emotional needs with. None have a dog in them. Not even well behaved dog.
And yes, I fundamentally prioritise a clean orderly house over a dog. Yes, it's absolutely more important.

I didn't spend time researching, you are right, but I never wanted it so why would I spend time on this? It was never a priority. I wasn't interested at all. Do you spend time researching something you don't want?

The choice was DHs and he was pretty fixed on this type. That was the only offer on the table and I felt compelled one day to say yes after years of nagging.

You are absolutely right, It was a huge mistake to say yes, but I've done it now. People make mistakes apparently. That should not mean I need to pay for this mistake for the next 12 odd years because this feels to me like prison. (By the way, people go to prison for less years for much bigger crimes).

This situation takes too much toll on my MH. It's less than 12 months and I am loosing the will to live.

This thread has compared having a dog to an emotional affair.

That's the level we're at.

I felt so much like you and similar story to yours as I explained in a pp, could not stand the dog, ended up loving the dog and carried him around like a baby (46 pounds) when he got sick and died 13 years later. One almost can’t help getting attached to any being that one is around and (even reluctantly at first) caring for.

I suggested you give your dh’s dog a little more time. But after reading your latest update, I don’t think there’s any way forward. Your dh loves the idea of the dog and you love your freedom. Neither will give an inch and that means your marriage is doomed. Enjoy your freedom, and your dh will enjoy his dog. I’m assuming this dog was a dearly held dream of his and you were not willing to enter his world, likewise you despise dogs and any tug on your freedom and dh was not willing to accept that you could resist the dog’s charms forever.

That special bond you said you have with your dh…marriage is about putting one’s spouse first, at any given time one will give in, another time the other will, there is compromise depending on how important each issue is to them. Neither of you will budge even one millimeter. I understand your perspective though and he shouldn’t force a dog on you. At the same time, if it’s that important to him…oh well. Not all marriages work out.

I didn't spend time researching, you are right, but I never wanted it so why would I spend time on this? It was never a priority. I wasn't interested at all. Do you spend time researching something you don't want?

But you absolutely should have spent time researching this.

You said yes. If you'd done your research properly maybe you wouldn't have felt compelled to "give in". But you didn't and now you're in a situation where you live with a dog you never wanted and will likely lose your marriage over.

So yes, you should have done your research.

I've been in this situation. The DH was getting a dog no matter what at some point. Stop blaming the OP for the decision he made.

How is that helpful? Also let’s be honest the issue isn’t research or lack of. It’s the partner who is the issue.

8@niugboo of course the lack of research is the issue. If OP had done her research, she wouldn't have said yes in the three place.

Pets are a huge commitment and all adults in the family need to be on board or it won't work out.

Maybe the DH would have left her in the end to live his dream of getting a dog - but that would be entirely his choice to do so.