Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I am sorry you are in this position. I am a dog lover, but they are such a tie and they can very much take over your home.

All puppies are hard work, and GSPs are full-on dogs. Like all dogs, they need training, boundaries and a clear understanding of what is expected. Sounds like your DH has not got there with his dog yet.

You too need your boundaries. Can you fence off a piece of the garden as the dogs area, leaving the other part completely dog free? You can undo this when the dog gets calm.
is it possible to denote one room downstairs as dog free? I have 2 labs, and they are not allowed in the dining room. I initially had a pet gate but now they know better than to try.
(Tall pet gates are extremely useful with bouncy dogs. )

You could also try enforcing a ‘calm’ period, - settling the dog in his bed, door closed, after he has been exercised and fed, and leaving him be for an hour while you relax and get on with your day.

I do feel for you, dog has taken over your life and you could see that would happen and made your feelings clear.

Assuming you want to stay with your DH, start enforcing some rules

If Op isn't a dog person she's not going to get any joy from "engaging" more with the dog, getting dragged to dog training classes etc.
The fact is that dogs are a huge tie and if you don't want one you should never be forced to take that on. It goes into kennels so you can go on holiday - hopefully the dog lover will actually allow that. If you go on a day trip you either have to take the dog with you or put it in kennels and you will be restricted on what you can actually do. If you're at a friends for the evening and they offer you the chance to stay late and stay over you can't - you have to get back for the dog. You need to really love dogs to put up with all of that.

I feel so so sorry for you! I got a dog as my kids were desperate for one and it was so much harder than I thought, people only ever tell you how amazing it is and forget to point out any negatives at all and if you dare to say you are not enjoying it some people are horrified. I think worst part is you didn’t want one and made that clear and your husband still insisted and got a big dog, really really unfair and no wonder you are upset. I absolutely adore our little dog now and it’s got much easier but the thought of living with a large dog horrifies me, I would be gutted if my husband forced me into getting a big dog and then chose it over me!!! All I can say is it does get easier but it is a huge commitment! Not much help but just wanted you to know I totally empathize with you and think your husband is out of order for putting you in this position!

Your "special bond" with your husband is clearly not that special if he is willing to put a puppy he's had for a few months ahead of his marriage.

He was selfish and stupid to get a dog when he knew you didn't want one and you were silly to give in.

Much as I love dogs I don't have one for the reasons you give; I like my house, just got new carpets (pale!), have leather sofas, a nice garden. Also we like going out on the spur of the moment, weekends away, holidays and none of this is conducive to having a dog.

You are quite entitled to live a peaceful life and enjoy your house and garden and I would do the same as you and want the dog to be re-homed, for all your sakes.

If your husband continues to chose the dog over you then sadly your marriage is already over.

The dog needs to be walked regularly. If there is dog mess all over the garden it is not being walked enough. The behaviour will improve with exercise.

I’m a massive animal lover but I’m astonished how many people here agree they’d choose their dog over their partner!

Quite life-affirming for me, as a single animal-lover, I’m now satisfied I can’t be missing out on much, at least compared to most people’s experiences of coupledom!

I'd let him leave, he knew you never really wanted it anyway. If my husband chose a dog he'd had for five minutes over our marriage, fuck him

I know, what the fuck!? And people saying they'd do the same. Batshit. 😆

Dog lover and keen gardener here. I would suggest that the dog is not allowed in the garden AT ALL, so at least that space can be reclaimed for you. It will be very difficult and will seem unreasonable to people who don’t garden. But you have made all the sacrifices and this is making you miserable. You need some dog free space apart from the loo and your bedroom. DH will have to take him out for wee and walk throughout the day but if he insists on keeping a big bouncy dog he needs to do this. Is doggy daycare a possibility when DH not home?

Your DH is in the wrong here. It is all his fault, this mess you're now all in.

How utterly irresponsible of him to force the poor dog on you. Now you're all paying - you, your DH, your children and the dog. But you the most, as you've had all this stress and upset which was totally predictable and should have been easily avoided.

What an absolute cock-up on your DH's part. To go so far as to not even be at all flexible about the breed - I mean I can hardly get my head around it all.

I adore dogs but never, never would I have pressed the point had the entire family not been unreservedly enthusiastic about our lovely, lovely DD joining the family.

I am very sorry for all that you've been through and for what now seems to be unfolding.

Show this thread to your DH, why not?

I really feel for you. Our friends got a GSP when their previous dog died. It was crazy. Destroyed and ate everything in sight. They were experienced dog owners but couldn't deal with it.

I think your husband has put you in a completely difficult and unfair situation.

I also agree with this totally!

He has coerced you into this and that would make me really dislike him. He has not put your views first at all and hasn't taken the dog's nature into consideration either.

I wouldn't want him to leave with the dog. I would leave myself. Your husband has destroyed your marriage and your dog has destroyed your house and garden. I'd rather start afresh somewhere else.

I'm a major dog lover, your DH is still bang out of order for this. Agree with most others.

It sounds like he enjoys the walks and exercise but you haven't mentioned him picking up the poo (daily job), training him not to go near the pots, vacuuming daily, feeding, clearing up the destruction, minimising the doggy smell etc that's without taking your feelings into account about the home you love. The fact he has ridden roughshod over you I would be considering whether the relationship can continue at all.

I would genuinely leave my husband if he said the things you have about our dog.

To those saying ban the dog from the garden how on earth is this practical?? So when the dog is standing at the back door whining to go out for a pee he's not going to wait around patiently while you put on your shoes, fetch the lead and take him out for a walk. It's just not going to happen! You'll end up with dog pee and poo all over the floor.

Huge dog lover here but YANBU at all. Your DH shouldn't have pressured you into this. Dogs aren't for everyone and they have a massive impact on lifestyle, freedom, your home and garden.

That's awful, you were silly for ever agreeing to it though. I can sympathise about the house being destroyed, we bought our house from a family who had 3 dogs, it took us around 12 months to gut the place and get rid of every trace of dog. Every floor and skirting board had to be torn out, the decking in the garden along with the lawn had to be dug up and removed, we were still finding dog hairs in the soil over 5 years later, gross. I can't understand why anyone would want to have an animal trash their home, thankfully after putting right the mess the previous occupants did to our house my husband said he'd never get a dog!

If I was you I'd make an ultimatum the dog goes by x date or he moves out with the dog, very sad if he picks the dog over you, but you can't carry on if it makes you so unhappy.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s horrendous. If your DH can give up that easily for a dog, perhaps ‘he’s not that into you’? I’d really, really hate to be in your position. Your DH sounds really selfish, to impose such a giant of a dog on someone who didn’t want one in the first place

I really hope you can come to a compromise. Can you section a part of the garden for the dog? Can it be restricted to say, a couple of rooms downstairs?

To a pp who would absolutely choose a dog over a partner, are they even worth being with in the first place?!

Can you live separately but stay married? Do you have the budget to run two houses? Unconventional, perhaps, but would solve the problem.

We used to have a German short-haired pointer and he was lovely. So affectionate - but a handful. They need constant stimulation and an absolutely massive amount of exercise. We lived in the country and my father and brothers were all very much into field sports, so the dog fitted right in. I also used to love walking him miles after school.

The dog will settle down after a few years, but no help to you at present, OP. I think your husband needs to take your issues on board and engage in a massive damage limitation exercise.

Maybe he should take the dog to puppy training classes for a start.

Could you think of a way he could be confined some of the time in the house - maybe with a childproof gate? And I would certainly insist that he's not out destroying your garden.

Your husband has upped the stakes here, and it's up to him to find solutions that are acceptable to you both. A difficult one, OP.

I adore dogs ,however I realise not everyone does! Your DH is being unfair .GSP are big dogs, full on, and need exercise and also some sort of stretching of their brains as well.They are highly intelligent ,and maybe some sort of Agility classes may help .Its not all about walkies. Maybe some doggy day care for a couple of days to give you a break?

I had to escape to my bedroom when our dog was a puppy. It was awful. But soooooo much better now.

I really feel for you op, I'm just not a dog person (amazingly enough, I still find joy in many other things!) and getting a dog would 100% be the wrong decision for me, yet I've still felt extreme guilt when dog owners insist my life would be better with one, my kids are missing out without one, so to have that from your dh with all the misguided promises must have been immense pressure.

I don't know what to suggest unless your d h genuinely wants to improve things. Would he have left if you didn't agree?

Iam a mother of 2 furry babies.
You do need Actually feed them 🤔
But if you are not in love that's ok.
Your issue with your husband...
But hey ho....You can also have the dog put in rescue