Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I have an 18 month old dog (working breed) who both DH and I wanted and we got her when she was 9 weeks old. It has been intense. Ddog is gorgeous and we would not be without her BUT the house is never completely clean, I think the car smells (i have gone nose blind) and suffice to say we called her WreckItRalph in the garden last summer. I have never wanted to re home her but I have found it tough. I can’t imagine how bad it would be without the bond I have with her and it sounds like you don’t have that with your dog.

If DH didn’t want her I would want to try every possible solution to keep her but I would listen to DH if it was too much for him and try to make it work for everyone.

Our Ddog is starting to calm down a little and she is less chaotic in the garden, we have also fenced off part of it to keep her out. But if it isn’t for you then you need to speak up and find a resolution.

You sound judgmental and thoughtless.

I have rtft, so apologies if I'm repeating things that have already been said. I'm a dog lover and can't imagine being without ours, but I would choose my husband over them in an instant, and have a lot of sympathy for you, OP. They're a huge commitment in general (which you expressly didn't want), and GSPs are a huge commitment in specific- they're very high drive working dogs, so make very high maintenance pets. My guess is that as committed as your husband is, the dog, who's very young still, is under-stimulated. There is no reason a dog that age should be chewing your house up.

As a beginning middle ground, can you send him for daycare or gundog training to see if that helps? Ours is fantastic for tiring them physically and intellectually - they get loads of socialisation, brain games, training, swimming, and running in fields or woods, so they're properly tired by the end of the day and calm in the house.

And as far as the garden goes, he absolutely does not need to be given free access to it. When he needs to toilet, which should be pretty predictable by this age, your husband can clip a leash on and take him for a short walk, which, if you let him meander and sniff around and choose a place to go, is brain stimulation in itself, plus helps set a routine. We don't let ours use the garden as a toilet, so they know that in addition to their real exercise (generally around 2 hours on non-daycare days), they get brief (15 mins or so) walks first thing, then around midday, 5ish, and 10-11ish. If they need to go out in between, they go to the door.

I hope you can find a way for both of you to be happy!

This! I like to think that my husband of over a decade, father of my children etc would pick me over a pet.

I love dogs and have three very big, very smelly, very high energy dogs. I would never wish them on someone who didn't love them because they're an absolute nightmare.

I'm sure you already realise this now but a big gun dog was a dreadful choice of first dog. They are very intelligent and wonderful with kids, but their intelligence and super-high energy level also means they need a great deal of commitment. I'd never recommend a big gun dog to a first time dog owner, especially one with trepidations about dog ownership. You really need to be all in with them. They need a lot of exercise and mental stimulation and training or they get bored and destructive, as you're discovering. And they don't really start chilling out until 6-7 in my experience, they're bred to be very active for a majority of their lives, working breeds are hard work!

Have you considered doggy daycare a few times a week so he can burn some energy running around with other dogs, and some training courses, puppy classes etc? Getting some doggy puzzles and games to keep his little brain occupied so he's not digging up your garden? How much exercise is he getting?

Your DH needs to be doing more with this dog than just walking and picking up shit, he wanted the dog he needs to put the work in. My mum breeds and trains gun dogs and she spends hours a day with them.

We have a nearly 2 year old dog and I do see your point - she's still very bouncy but a lot better than the 9 month old puppy!

Would it help if you met older versions of your dog? See how they chill out a bit? Maybe see one of the breeders older dogs?

Yanbu.

We got a puppy 8 months ago & im not a dog person. It was dd that wanted one & she'd recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness, my mum had just died, it was a terrible decision but I had so much guilt & thought it might be good for dd. Last summer was hell, he's a bit better now. I like him best when he's been to doggie daycare for the day & is exhausted.

I'd explore options like putting it in kennels for
a few days respite regularly to get through the next stage until it becomes more settled. Or ask dh for suggestions & see if you feel willing to try, since it's really his problem. Good luck

Going from having no dog ownership experience to having a GSP puppy is a huge leap, even if you were both 100% in favour. I am sure we have all heard cases where one member of a family is initially reluctant to have a pet, and miraculously ends up being the most besotted by it. It does happen, but clearly not in your case.
I have nearly always had a dog, apart from a break when the children were young. Having had very steady GSD’s previously, we decided that a smaller dog would be more sensible, and got a Cocker Spaniel.
We all love him to bits, but he can be a real PITA, and I can’t imagine how we would put up with this if any of us had been in any reluctant to have him.
Simply put whilst it might get better as your dog gets older there are no guarantees. Everyone told me that spaniels calm down ( ages stated varied from 18 months - 9 years), but no one told my dog that, and at nearly 10 he is still as mad as ever.
If you are not on board with having the dog, which is a perfectly valid view, the situation is realistically not going to improve to one where you are. It would be a terrible shame, and awful of DH, if you end up separating over this, but you shouldn’t underestimate the ongoing affect the dog will have on many aspects of your life if you stay together. Hopefully DH will see sense and support you, and responsibly re home his dog.

Your dh has told you where his loyalty lies. Sadly imo your marriage is over..
Let him leave. Can't imagine how your solicitor will respond when you give the reason you are filing for divorce
..

The only solution I can see is you or he rents a second place for a couple of years and DH visits you, without the dog. If it has calmed down in a couple of years you could try living together again.

When we got a retired greyhound my DH said that would be fine but he wouldn’t be having anything to do with it - no walks, no poo picking, no feeding etc. He’d never really liked dogs and I think was a bit nervous of them. In contrast to the OP he quickly became just as involved as the rest of us and is very fond of the hound. Could the OP try and bond with the dog - could make it easier? And have others have said, there are many things to be done to improve the situation.

Also maybe read “Bashan and I” - Thomas Man’s book about his relationship with his German pointer.

Oh my God OP this sounds like my worst nightmare. Your DH is incredibly selfish to inflict this on you. I absolutely would walk away from my marriage if my husband did this, it would make my life a misery.

I’m sorry, this doesn’t really help your situation. Might it help to show him this thread, to let him know how unhappy you are? Why would he want you to be unhappy, he’s supposed to love you. He should put you first and rehome the dog. Yes it’s not the dog’s fault, but I’m sure it could find another loving home. Perhaps you could compromise with a small calm dog? But no matter what, they do take over your life. Very difficult but YADNBU.

Has anyone suggested boarding training for the dog? There’s a gun dog trainer near us who will take your dog on and hand it back with manners etc… it costs though. If you want his details @ulabella then tag me and I’ll private message them to you.

I think the problem with this post is that it invokes the animal lover in all of us

If it was about something else I think the responses would be different.

Take away the dog aspect and you have a husband who nags and coerces. Doesn't take no for an answer. Rides roughshod over the op's wishes. And is happy for her to have her house and her safe space garden to be trashed daily. Leaving her seeking refuge upstairs in her own home for respite.

And then to top it off he threatens leaving her if he's forced to make a choice between marriage, the family and this new addition?

It's a no brainier for me.

I think the relationship is dead. But personally I'd see that as a positive.

Yes this is what I thought too. Also sounds like the dog is spending long periods of time unattended in the garden.

I assume you go upstairs because the dog is being full-on. Sounds like it needs more training to learn boundaries and for chewing - from a professional.

I'm sorry that this is causing you such distress OP. Dogs aren't for everyone and they are very tying and cause a certain amount of grubbiness in the home. I love our dog but wouldn't choose to have another.

Your DH is being incredibly unfair

I hate dogs and would 100% leave a relationship over this. No man is worth putting up with that! Leave him OP.

Hey@ulabella. Me and DP have a similar situation with cats. I loathe them, she adores them and literally feels like her life isn't complete without one.

We would probably have split up over this fact before we ever got to the stage of living together, but life got in the way and we ended up with a (completely unplanned) baby 11 months into the relationship.

I managed 13 years of living together standing steadfast that we were not having a cat, but eventually caved. DP to be fair never nagged or went on about it (DD did however frequently), but I knew how much it gutted her not to have a cat. In the end I figured that I'd had my way for that long, so now it was their turn.

3 years in, I hate it. Luckily we have the perfect cat She refuses to use her litter tray, has to go outside, she doesn't jump on the counters or the bed, and as I don't feed her, she's completely uninterested in me in return.

But I hate that my house smells of cat food, that the furniture gets wrecked, that we can't just spontaneously go away for the weekend etc.

But I made this decision, knowing that it would make me uncomfortable in my own home, because I deemed it a worthwhile compromise, and so I'll stick it out for the lifetime of this cat.

I'm not saying that you have to accept the dog, but ultimately the decision to get one was yours. You're the one who capitulated, who decided to change the status quo. And now you want to change your mind.

So you have a decision to make, do you love your husband enough to have the rest of your life turned upside down, or would you rather both husband and dog leave. There is no third way out of the deadlock for you.

Your husband has the option to get rid of the dog, but that's not within your ability to control, so stop thinking about it. The only you decision you can make is whether you'd rather live without your husband or with a dog, so make it and then communicate it so your husband can make the choice he needs to.

This was an unfair and problematic situation from the start, really. The way he wouldn’t compromise on a breed that was more sensible for your setup, and blithely assured everyone it would all be fine, reminds me of when a small child insists they want a specific pet and promise to do all the work and it’ll all be fine! But unlike a small child, he had the power to make getting the dog actually happen. I wonder how he is in other aspects of your relationship and family life.

I have had several dogs from puppies (and personally love them), and the difference a few years can make to their behaviour and level of calm is considerable - if you can wait it out that long.

You must be feeling so fed up and sad about it all, but I don’t know think it’s worth having regrets as such: rather like the issue of whether or not to have children, the dog/no dog issue changes a whole lifestyle and can be a dealbreaker.

If you had said no back then, I wonder if he have left you to get a dog at that point or some time after (or the relationship would have deteriorated because of resentment he felt). At least this way you have experienced proof that your initial conviction and if you split up over this you don’t need to think “if only I’d tried the dog”. And unlike with children, you do get to walk away from this now if you want to. Your ultimatum was fair (but it doesn’t surprise me that he chose the dog - not saying this in a mean way, but based on what you have said about him and also on how many people feel about their pets).

I love GSP's and have had 2, our last boy was PTS at the beginning of the year at the age of 12 and I can honestly say only the last 6 months of his life was calm. At my stage of life (mid 40s) I would never have another GSP, they are hard work. They need to be worked and active, get your husband to sign up for gun dog training classes both of them will be out of the house for hours and the dog will really benefit, they are very intelligent dogs and easy to train. One walk a day is not enough, the more it is exercised the less opportunity for poo in the garden.
It does seem as if your DHs research was lacking.

If my DH said he would choose a dog - a new one, after years of marriage - over me, I am afraid I would ask him to leave. I would not be able to get over the fact that he would choose a dog over his wife so our marriage would be more or less over in any case.

I don't think that telling the OP to spend more time with the dog will help. Some people just get nothing out of being around dogs, or even find themselves more annoyed with the dog.

It's like telling someone who doesn't like football to just keep watching matches etc or if you don't like cycling, to just keep going out on your bike. Or if you don't like someone, to keep spending time with them.

I find dogs fundamentally irritating and spending more time around them would only bring me down.

Forget the hairs, the garden, the poos... If my partner told me he would choose an animal over me and our life together, and he was being serious, it would be over.

OP you are worth more than a dog, and that should be especially so to the person you have committed to and shared your life with. It is bizarre that I'm having to say those words as they seem so patently obvious but to some people they appear not to be

Think about the level of respect you deserve in your own home, and compare it to the level of respect your partner has shown you. I couldn't see past this.

I dont think you are being unreasonable. I have a dog who is now 9, I got her as a puppy and she is an adored and cherished member of the family - she's helped us all so much - the children through teenaged angst and me through life's stresses and strains. She super easy now, very well trained, loving and just perfect. BUT she is work, practically and emotionally ( where will she go if we go on holiday, out for the whole day etc), she is expensive and she is a dog so she sheds hair ...

I adore her but I will probably not have another when my kids leave home as I would like to live for a while without the tie ....

Does your DH know exactly how unhappy you are ? Have you actually made this ultimatum ?

No advice OP but just a bit of non-dog person solidarity.. I'd have already left if DH imposed any dog on my home, I don't mind my parent's dogs but would never allow one in my house.

I'm a dog lover but wouldn't give a GSP house room. They're too clever, too mischievous and too high energy