Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

It's not blaming OP to say that she does need to take some responsibility here.

She agreed to get the dog. It wasn't forced on her. Her DH didn't come home with a puppy and say "we have a dog now."

Too many people agree to get pets they don't really want and all that happens is the animal is the one that suffers. If OP didn't want the lifestyle changes that come with having a dog, she shouldn't have agreed to have a dog.

You're right that her DH may have ended up leaving her over it in the long-run, but that's better than agreeing to get an animal that you clearly don't want or care about.

For me, dog ownership was non-negotiable and I would never have married DH if he didn't want a dog. Maybe more couples need to have these conversations.

@ulabella

You've had 30 pages now. You seem fixed on your position. Are you going to ask DH and the dog to leave?

Let's not forget there is a DC in the mix as well.

I just know what it's like to get the constant nagging. I agreed finally because DS is an only and was keen for a dog too and I stupidly thought he'd do some of the care.

It's just about ok for us. I'm not particularly house proud and I've got used to the constant smell of dog fart, plus rookiedog is a very placid well natured creature.

DH always said he wanted a dog in retirement, whereas I want to be able to travel without having to make arrangements and pay for dog sitting. Thankfully DH hadn't appreciated how much work a dog was ( think his Exgf did most of the hands on care for their previous ones , plus his standard of dog care lower than what I believe to be acceptable) and we are both agreed, once and done. Although we might do pet sitting or borrowmydoggy to get some of the affection without the commitment.

It's extremely hard to know what dog ownership will be like before it happens, also depends on the temperament of the dog.

So will you leave? Will he leave?

All relationships end one way or another, and it sounds like you two will be happier apart from now on.

No advice unfortunately but just absolutely aghast at the ammount of people who would chose a dog they've had for less than a year over thier husband. Absolute madness.

Madness, or a reflection on the husbands ?

It is certainly rather sad.

Why is it madness? Or do you think people should stay married no matter how unhappy they are?

@Timeforachangeisitnot Could well be the latter. Hopefully.

@Knitterofcrap Of course not. But I assumed we were talking about otherwise happy relationships. I'd choose a dog over a shit partner any day of the week.

I think you’ve answered your own dilemma there then. It seems to me that you know which way you want to go but you want reassurance that you’re doing the right thing I.e by insisting the dog is rehomed.
However, as you can tell people have widely different views on marriage, dogs, lifestyles etc.

Yes, you should have done your own research and not just “given in”. But it is a bit late to go back and forth on at this issue. What’s done is done, you’re only making yourself miserable now.

I encourage you to act quickly to resolve this situation with your husband. I say that because at the bottom of this is an innocent animal who is missing out on a great family home while you and your husband are at loggerheads. That’s the part that isn’t fair in all this.

OP relied on her DH to do the research about the dog and did that in good faith, telling him what her boundaries were. Presumably she trusted him on this because he's her husband and he should respect her. She isn't responsible that he ignored her and then lied to her about the breed to get his own way. Her husband promised that he would solely take care of the dog and the duties it involved, but he has broken his word. The DH is a selfish arsehole who expects OP to spend the next 12-15 years with her hobbies destroyed and declining mental health when the best solution for her (and the cat that was already part of the household) is to rehome the dog.

This is such a sad situation. I lived with a dog for 16 years. I loved her but really didn't enjoy anything that came from having her. I was so sad when she passed but I can now see all the wonderful moments of my children being young that she 'stole' from me. Not going to the park because the dog wasn't allowed and couldn't be left. Saying no to things. Them having to be careful in the garden because of dog poo. I'd never, ever have another one. I hated it in the end. The mess, the toys, the hair, the needy-ness. We have cats now and I'd do anything for them. They just suit us and for me, the perfect pet.
I'm so sorry and I hope you can resolve this happily for your relationship.

To be fair to DH, I don't believe it was a manipulative lie about any aspect of the breed, but rather seeing things for his perspective which did not alarm him.
E.g. shedding - he doesn't see this as an issue as much as I. It's a tolerance issue, and how much one considers it a nuisance.

The debate about who is to blame could go on forever. I think the type of dog may well have made a bad situation worse but by the sounds of it OP, you just don’t want a dog, any dog, even a well behaved, non shedding one.

I don’t blame you, dogs are a lifestyle choice and it is fine to admit that that lifestyle is not for you.

I can also see it from your DH’s point of view. He clearly desperately wanted a dog, enough to nag you about it for years. I bonded with our puppy quickly and after months I would have found it very, very tough to re home her. It would have impacted my MH without doubt.

Can you see how tough it would be for your DH to give up this dog after wanting it for so long? I’m not saying you should suck it up, I am just asking if you can understand what you are asking him to do.

I have no idea what the answer is but I think it starts with you both really listening.

I don't think you're unreasonable OP but the real question is whether you're willing to end your relationship over it or not.

I'm not judging either way but lines have been drawn now and sounds like he's quite clear that he won't give up the dog so the ball's in your court. Can't offer advice on that as it's a very personal decision but ultimately it's the decision you have on your hands.

For those saying how sad that is that people would give up a relationship over pets, for me it's not about preferring pets over partner, of course i don't but morally it feels like a red line. They're my pets, I made the choice to get them and their lives are my responsibility. The idea of getting rid of them because they aren't convenient anymore feels utterly wrong on a fundamental level. I don't think I could forgive myself, and at that point the relationship is doomed anyway.

That is NOT in any way meant to guilt the OP, i know sometimes rehoming a pet is the right choice for all kinds of reasons. Its just trying to explain that the strength of feeling some people have for animals they've taken on. If DH is similar he likely won't budge.

A decade of unwanted dog ownership because of a mistake saying yes in the first place is not a reasonable price to pay. Giving up a dog DH loves isn't a reasonable price for him to have to pay for his mistakes either. Sometimes there just isn't a good solution.

This is much easier said than done but it sounds like OP needs a cards on the table conversation with her DH. Whatever mistakes happened in the build up to getting the dog don't actually matter, they are where they are and if the current situation is intolerable for the OP then something needs to change.
If DH is 100% sure he isn't giving up the dog and OP is 100% sure she can't live with one no matter what then that only leads to one thing. If there's a chance he wil change his mind on rehoming or if OP can see herself living with a dog if certain conditions are met there may be a way forward together. Only OP (and DH) can decide this. If there isn't a good solution you have to go with the "least bad" one. No one else can decide what that is.

Hope you’re ok @ulabella ?

@Ermweareemergencyservices thank you for checking in. I am just about managing.
We also have the builders in just to add to the pressure but it provides some distraction. Not sure what is worse, builders or dogs..

DH and I are discussing some sort of a scenario which see us separating. Initially as a test, to have some distance and space to reflect what would this mean for us. We are both adamant that we don't turn against each other and stay allies, friends and respectful to each other's needs. I have no resentment, anger or hate towards him.
I accept this may be the outcome of a relationship running its course rather than dog ownership preference. I think we need to try.

Easier said than done as no idea how does one begin to unpick 22 years of tangled commitments. But I guess this is a subject for another thread...

Far better you separate when things are calm.

His actions have been weak and manipulative IMO.

He wants to end the relationship but would rather you pull the plug.

Best you get out now.

The living conditions you described are very stressful.

Not a future to look forward to.

We are here for you.

I think you’re being so grown up about this I don’t mean that to sound patronising. Sorry if it does! Not blaming anyone. Talking things through calmly. Willing to consider that perhaps the dog situation represents something deeper. Trying a separation to see how it might work. Yes it’s hard to unpick 20+ years together. But if you go down that route it’s actually not quite as overwhelming as one imagines at the start. Because you just pick through it one thing at a time. And as long as both parties are kind and reasonable, then it’s not so bad. Good luck to you and you DH whatever you decide xxx

Sorry to hear OP - but it does seem that the poor dog was the scapegoat and probably now highlighted bigger issues to solve. I think you are both very calm headed about this where most wouldn't be when they separate. With that attitude where you both want to ensure you stay allies- you will make this work. And dare I say you might thank the dog one day for being the catalyst to a new life :-). Good luck with it all and the trial. I hope it works out for all 3 of you for the best.

I am so sorry to hear this.I suspected this might be the case, but I am still sorry. I wish you well.

agree with this

@ulabella For some reason this was on my MN list- I didn't realise it was ''A Zombie'' {old} thread initially, but when I read your husband wanted a GSP my initial reaction was ''Oh no!''
The only person I know who keeps them keeps them outdoors in kennels the Wilds of the countryside. They 'work'. They do gun~doggy things.

I 100% get your frustration.
You are living with probably one of the ''hardest'' type of dog to live with if it hasn't a job to do.

Border Collies can be similarly difficult to live with. Any ''Working'' dog is going to be a lot of work.

I have a dog, but she is like a cat. Quiet, clean, unobtrusive- Mum really doesn't like dogs, but she likes mine and allows her in her tidy, small, Georgian cottage.

SIL's Border Collie is not allowed in now as it is chaotic and manic and fell in Mum's pond and then ran into the house shaking pond water everywhere.

A 'Working' breed unstimulated makes his or her own 'entertainment'

But even with a quiet, unobtrusive dog, you'd still be 'tied' as regards travel.

I'd never be able to tolerate a large, untrained drooling dog either.

Or the smell!

Your husband has taken a whirlwind and released it into your home.

It's not the dog's fault that he is living in an unsuitable home.. but neither is it yours.

My friend has an immaculate house and a dog - she has an outdoor dog wash area with hot and cold running water, which is really civilised. Plus she lives Rurally which is superb for lovely dog walks.

The mud this Winter has been phenomenal. Without an outdoor dog wash, it's a pain washing a muddy dog a couple of times a day. Everywhere seems to be a quagmire in UK at least.

I wonder how you are getting on?

You and your cat need to live separately from your husband and his dog ideally.

@ulabella Regarding the shedding - {if you and your husband and dog are still together} ''Grooming gloves'' with rubber pimples and a zoom groom rubberised groomer can really keep down the level of dog hair shed in the house.

If your husband thoroughly grooms the dog outside every day , it will help the hair in house.

Years ago we had a 'broken coated' Lurcher - she had a triple layer coat, wonderfully weatherproof in driving rain , but she could really 'throw her coat' , especially when moulting in Autumn and Spring.

She'd wake up, stand up, stretch and shake, and be surrounded by a halo of dog hair when moulting! -hence finding out about the zoom grooms.

She loved being brushed and would lean in to the 'brush'.

Even my current dog {silky fine, close coat} loves being 'zoom groomed'.