Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

[TirisfalPumpkin]

He seems to have ridden roughshod over your wishes throughout (pressure til you caved, no compromise, no smaller dog) and I’m wondering if this is a wider theme in the relationship. You say it’s ‘not been perfect always’ - I don’t want to read too much into your OP and make assumptions, but I know when I was in a relationship with someone who saw his wants as needs and mine as silly nonsense, I also experienced this strong desire to carve out pockets of space (garden, clean calm room etc) & I’m wondering if a bit of that’s what’s going on here.

[Toooldtoworry]

I've got 3 dogs empty nest syndrome and I love them very much but IF my husband felt like you did we wouldn't have them.

You are in a very difficult situation, and I don't envy you.

GSPs are beautiful dogs but they would not suit the standard household I wouldn't have thought and we definitely would not have one.

I think it's time to have a serious chat. Whilst most dogs calm down around the 2 year point you've a way to go yet, and that's a long time of gritting your teeth.

[Wiennetta]

My first step would be to identify the things that bother you most about the dog (him digging in the garden or whatever) and have a behaviourist over to try and sort out those behaviours.

The dog is a year old now (?) so is beyond the completely nuts puppy stage and should be able to learn where to go to the loo, and not to chew or destroy your home or garden.

I’d work on improving his behaviour and also trying to bond with him before you make any drastic decisions. Splitting up with DH or asking him to get rid of the dog are both massive decisions with long term impacts.

FWIW it is possible to have a dog that really is easy to live with, and they do calm down as they get older. My dog and a lot of friends’ dogs are gentle, quiet, clean, calm and don’t destroy anything. The early years are quite stressful but as your dog is 1 and it sounds like your husband is willing to put a lot of work into training it does feel doable to improve things massively from where they are now.

[SweetFarmKitty]

We got a puppy due to pressure from my dh and kids. It was a nightmare and I felt increasingly pushed out of my own house. I told everyone it was the puppy or my mental health and luckily the puppy went. It honestly felt like I was living in a nightmare so I wholeheartedly understand. I would never ever do it again.

[whyhere]

I am absolutely devoted to my dog, as I have been to the four who came before him but gosh, I really feel for you.

It sounds as though you were coerced into this and that your husband's 'research' was through very rose-tinted glasses.

I can't help wondering if your ultimatum is actually around your husband's lack of care and consideration for you, of which the dog is just a symptom....

[bubbles2023]

I think some of the issue is the breed you agreed to. Big, shedding, difficult in the first few years. I think you should've done your own research and not relied on your dh. The dogs behaviour sounds pretty typical for that breed and with training will most likely improve.

Can your dh pay for daycare?

[Mischance]

We never had a dog, because half of the family wanted one, the other half not. We agreed that it was all or nothing - we all want a dog or we do not have one.

It is unfortunate that you agreed to this - it is fair on neither you nor the dog.

Where do you go from here? - that's hard. I would go - I would not be able to stand all that you have described; I would not feel I could relax in my own home. All the things that you value are being destroyed - your garden, your peace, your freedom - all for an animal. He is being very selfish. He could have become a dog walker or volunteered with a local kennels or animal charity if he must have dog contact - he did not have to foist this on you - he did this knowing you did not want it.

[katmunchkin]

I have a GSP and they are bloody hard work even in an active lifestyle - she's never stops, attention demanding, high maintenance. She is 5 now and it took until she was at least 2.5 - 3 for her to learn to settle herself and calm down, before that she always wanted to be doing something! She has now grown out of the digging, messing up the garden, always looking for mischief, and is a very loving, sociable, loyal dog who is equally at home laid on her back, legs in the air, snoring, as she is charging through the woods looking for birds - I'm sure both of these images are familiar to you OP!

[balzamico]

I think better training and boundaries for the dog would help. Do not let it run loose (amok) in the garden, take it out into the garden only on a lead and teach it to toilet in one place only.
Likewise in the house, you say the dog is not allowed upstairs- does he have free rein downstairs? You could train him to only be in certain places eg kitchen/ utility unless invited, you can basically set the rules you might be able to cope with an train the dog and the husband to them, if he is as devoted to the dog as you say then he should be able to do this.
Finally, I recommend a robotic vacuum (I have an Eufy 30c) that is set to go round once a day and will pick up shed hair.
Hopefully if you can get more control over the dog and its impact on your life you can manage the situation?

[Untitledsquatboulder]

Honestly I think you'd be better off single, as would your husband.

[DomesticShortHair]

My main concern is for the dog and would do the same as your husband. But I actually think it’s in everybody’s best interests if you did go your separate ways. I think ultimately you’ll all be much happier.

[Mischance]

My main concern is for the dog - heavens above! The dog is fine, it is the poor OP who is not!

[slowquickstep]

Keep the dog but tell your husband the dog is not allowed in the garden. it is the only compromise

[MontyDonsBlueScarf]

@Wiennetta

My first step would be to identify the things that bother you most about the dog (him digging in the garden or whatever) and have a behaviourist over to try and sort out those behaviours.

The dog is a year old now (?) so is beyond the completely nuts puppy stage and should be able to learn where to go to the loo, and not to chew or destroy your home or garden.

I’d work on improving his behaviour and also trying to bond with him before you make any drastic decisions. Splitting up with DH or asking him to get rid of the dog are both massive decisions with long term impacts.

FWIW it is possible to have a dog that really is easy to live with, and they do calm down as they get older. My dog and a lot of friends’ dogs are gentle, quiet, clean, calm and don’t destroy anything. The early years are quite stressful but as your dog is 1 and it sounds like your husband is willing to put a lot of work into training it does feel doable to improve things massively from where they are now.

This. I think you'd benefit from a home visit from a qualified behaviourist (rather than a trainer) who will be able to help you identify what's unlikely to be fixable, what could be fixed and what it would take to fix it.

Then you'll be in a position to make informed decisions about your options (which may include rehoming this dog to a more suitable home and finding another that suits both of you).

[Mortimercat]

@Mischance

My main concern is for the dog - heavens above! The dog is fine, it is the poor OP who is not!

I think OP has been treated very badly by her husband in all this. She didn’t want a dog anyway and then she didn’t even get a say in what type or size of dog. On reflection, maybe she should leave the man who gave such little regard to her wishes.

But I would also say my main concern would be for the dog, as he is the defenceless one that doesn’t get a say in what happens. OP is an adult with free will and she can make her own choices.

[Dymaxion]

I really feel for you. I wanted mine and I still have a little shudder when I remember the destruction of the house and garden, constant muck through the Winter, the ever present background smell of Fox poo in the house and car and the absolutely astounding amount of poo he produced on one meal a day. I still miss him

[NalafromtheLionKing]

My sympathies OP, I am a great animal lover but this sounds like hell.

I think the biggest problem is that DH has chosen a strong breed with a huge amount of energy which is being directed towards your furniture and garden. If you can afford it, the dog should start weekly training classes (with DH taking him) and you should also get a dog walker to take him out a second time each day somewhere he can be off the lead to run off some of this excess energy (suggest early in the day). Does the dog have lots of strong chew toys to bite instead of the furniture?

It goes without saying that DH should be clearing up the dog poo and vacuuming up the hairs every day.

[Allthegoodnamesarechosen]

I think you should get a Boa Constrictor,OP. After all, you’ve always wanted one. It would be unreasonable,if your DH to suggest getting something a bit smaller, like a grass snake or a newt. You go for the Boa. They like somewhere warm, so possibly it could have its bed in the kitchen. You have a garden so it could go outside and give your cherished garden that longed for exotic style.

They are very easily trained, house proud, loving and kind. You can see how much they love the rest of the household as they curl themselves round everyone , giving them a big hug. I expect it would particularly love your dog, I can just imagine them coiled up together of an evening (if only once).

it is true they do shed , and their whole skin, not just a few hairs. But that’s only once or twice a year.

[Timesawastin]

@BeeDavis

I just feel sorry for the dog in all this. Would
you really want to put it through rehoming? When it clearly has one loving owner? Poor thing, have you tried to engage with it? My dog is a pain the arse sometimes but I absolutely adore him and wouldn’t be without him. My little boy has just started saying his name and it’s just the best thing.

How nice for you. This news in, some people DON'T WANT A DOG. And should not be railroaded into having one.
Blimey, the sheer thickheadedness of some "dog lovers".

[LikeTearsInRain]

make him leave

he bullied and pressured you into this. He will create a narrative in his head that you are awful, but he brought this on himself

[gogohmm]

Most of the tough times are over by about 10-12 months in my experience, but then my ddog never dug up the garden and we taught him to poo in one specific area behind the greenhouse (large garden), I've never had a gun dog though, not sure how trainable they are.

Collies are the best if you have time and space, just so obedient and lazy too.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog

Doesn't sound as though the training is going very well. Does he actually know what he's doing?

Does the dog respond to commands etc?

[NalafromtheLionKing]

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen

I think you should get a Boa Constrictor,OP. After all, you’ve always wanted one. It would be unreasonable,if your DH to suggest getting something a bit smaller, like a grass snake or a newt. You go for the Boa. They like somewhere warm, so possibly it could have its bed in the kitchen. You have a garden so it could go outside and give your cherished garden that longed for exotic style.

They are very easily trained, house proud, loving and kind. You can see how much they love the rest of the household as they curl themselves round everyone , giving them a big hug. I expect it would particularly love your dog, I can just imagine them coiled up together of an evening (if only once).

it is true they do shed , and their whole skin, not just a few hairs. But that’s only once or twice a year.

😂🤣😂

[underneaththeash]

I had a one dog ever rule. Our dog is now 2.5 and is very relaxed now, but he was a PITA until around 18 months.

We all love him, but I would never get another dog.

One thing I did insist on was at least 2 free dog days in the house - so he goes to a very nice dog sitter. He only goes one day a week now.

[callthataspade]

So he nagged you for years. Ie he didn't take no for an answer. He ignored you on size of breed. He lied about shedding.

He's happy for you to feel isolated in your own home, watch your garden and possessions get destroyed.

What's his answer to it all? What compromise is he willing to make? Cos at the minute I see fuck all.

You should never have been forced to get a dog in the first place. Dog should go. preferably with him.