Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

I’d expect my husband to rescue me from a house fire before he rescued the pets. But I would actually respect him if he decided he was leaving with the dogs because I suddenly decided they should be discarded like rubbish.

I think people are not really understanding what others mean when they say they would pick their dog. It is about responsibility and doing the right thing by a creature that wouldn’t understand what is happening and is dependent upon humans for its care. It is not a simple question over who you like the most, dog or husband.

I watch a programme on channel 5 tv with Grahame Hall who trains dogs ( especially bad ones ) and the problems people have with them is incredible. You can see the worry etched on their faces as these pets rule the roost and end up dictating how people live their lives. It's definitely not for anyone who doesn't like dogs and the responsibility of them and I know that I couldn't cope with it myself because your whole life revolves around them. I'm not a particularly selfish person , but I know I would struggle so we have never owned any pets. You need to be so dedicated to them.
Your Dh is putting the dog above you , which is a very tricky situation to be in.
Fencing off part of the garden for the dog might work though (some good tips on here ) , but I feel for your dilemma. I hope you can sort it out.

YANBU. The dog is ruining your life and your marriage. If your DH chooses a dog over you he is, kindly, fucking mental. Rehome the dog and Let the chips fall where they may – the marriage might be over anyway because your DH is shown he’s a cunt who’ll choose a dog over you. Forget about him never getting over you getting rid of the dog: how will you ever get over him saying something so heinous? What an utter bastard. Ditch the dog, ditch him, replant your garden.

So sorry you are going through this. I love dogs, and am a dog owner. We have had GSPs in the extended family and know what they are like to look after. The pup will calm down and it won’t always be like this. However, that doesn’t help when you’re in the middle of it. For now, on a practical level, have you tried Dog Rocks lawn protector. It will at least save your grass. And can DH train the pup to poo in one place?
www.viovet.co.uk/Lawn-Protecting-Dog-Rocks/c1924/?quick_find=113811&utm_source=sag&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=surfaces_UK&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkvqL1JDb_QIVC4BQBh0PlARJEAQYAiABEgLZdPD_BwE

Agree with @user1465390476 - I adore dogs and currently have three, but they are a PITA sometimes - they are tying, can be destructive and bring a lot of mud etc into the house, so I totally sympathise with you.
al
I feel it's a pity that your husband chose such a demanding breed TBH - had he been drawn to something smaller and perhaps non-shedding breed eg bedlington terrier, you may have found things much more acceptable, but it is what it is.

GSP's are beautiful and intelligent dogs, but they are big and demanding. He is still a puppy, and much of the destruction will end when he grows up fully, but I can certainly understand you not feeling that you are able to stick another 8-12 months or so of this.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, but I just wanted you to know that I feel for both you and your husband.

It does sound as though your DH has been a good and responsible owner and has trained the dog appropriately, and socialised him, so a breed society shouldn't have any trouble re-homing him if that is the route you decide on.

Please don't sell him online - you can't do proper checks and he could end up anywhere.

Hard situation, OP. Especially when presented as an 'either/or' situation.

Add in more possible choices. There are other options.

More rules, boundaries, ways for you to regain your space, peace, and autonomy. Look into dog walkers, day care, kennels. You and your OH living apart. Etc. Write as many solutions and routes forward as you can. It can help to take the pressure off, at least.

Wishing you a good outcome.

I have animals, but not a dog. I definitely couldn't cope with a dog. If my husband said it was him or the animals, the animals would win. That is not for lack of love for my husband, but because (a) the animals are dependent on me and passing them on would be horrible (b) he would be missing something fundamental about me that they enhance my life greatly (c) he agreed to having them and doesn't get to change his mind given (a) and (b).

You have my utmost sympathy, but you have to find a way to embrace the dog or accept that your relationship needs to end.

I agree entirely with @ArabellaScott here. You need to exhaust every possible avenue. I would start with dividing the garden up as a first step, my parents did this as their chickens were trashing the place! A big (but nice) fence and gate halfway down, with your nice garden at the end.

Could you afford doggy daycare, to give you a bit of peace and quiet? Not for long, maybe a day or two a week might make a difference?
Finally I don't think living separately is a bad idea - I know its expensive but so is divorce!

I love dogs and have had them in the past, I bought a puppy after being widowed and had a knee replacement, so needed to get walking! The first 6 months were hell I thought I had ruined my life, apart from the usual puppy exuberance, I hadn't considered how tying it would be as I am his sole carer, and of course he could not be left alone for very long, so had to give up activities where he could not accompany me. That has improved as he ages.
The garden is a problem as well as a benefit as far as the dog is concerned, the dog mess, the digging etc. But with a previous dog, we fenced and gated off the main part of the garden and he was only allowed in when we were there to supervise, but still had a small paved area where he could go out to pee and poo, which was easier to clean than the lawn. My present dog has more freedom as I am not really fit to do much gardening and have kept it to just lawn and shrubs, but he isn't often out on his own so I don't need to fence it off. It is also a good area to do training and brain games which keep him occupied as I have found that just walking, even for 2 or more hours doesn't satisfy all his needs, and he is more settled indoors when his brain has been exercised, so your husband and could may be do some trick training or scent work with him.
Even now, I sometimes despair at my dogs behaviour, but on the whole he is a benefit, he makes me walk every day, is a comfort on cold dark nights and I love him to bits.
Your husband needs to pull out all the stops to make sure the dog fits in with your life.

Completely agree with this ^^

I also sympathise.

We have a ten month old puppy. I reluctantly agreed to getting him due to years of pressure from DH and kids. He is a lot of work. And he chews cushions. And is generally a pain in the arse. However, I feel that I have really bonded with him and when I think about something happening to him I feel bereft. I feel like I have had time to fall in love with him, and even though he drives me bonkers, I do adore him.

My DH promised he would do a walk a day. He doesn't. I do all walks during the week, BUT when I agreed to it I mentally accepted that this would happen so that is fine. I'm an outdoors person anyway. But I refuse to do baths or grooming, that's all on DH.

Personally, I would just get through the first two years. I would also have a conversation with your DH about what he can do to make your life easier and more peaceful - eg banning the dog from the garden. Once a month or so, could the dog go to a dogsitter for a day and night so that you can have a break?

Leaving aside the DH problem and whether LTB is the better option, here’s my situation and how I cope with dogs-I-didn’t-choose (and I’m really interested in interiors and emotionally invested in having a nice looking home!)

I’ve got two dogs and I love them dearly but I would not have adopted them if my DH hadn’t wanted them. I deffo wouldn’t have chosen such a bloody big one (40kg male greyhound).

Dogs are like children stuck in the pre schoolers stage forever - they do get better than the toddler phase but they never get as far as the wiping their own bums.

One of mine is scared of fireworks so we haven’t had a NY night out for five years, nor been out for mine or DH’s birthday (which are both near Bonfire Night). The same dog also gets car sick and is scared of strangers so we only ever go away for a weekend or so when we have family available to dog sit.

It’s annoying enough dealing with these restrictions when ABSOLUTELY BLOODY LOVE my dogs, so I do feel for you dealing with it when the dog is really your DH’s. Especially the house-ruination stuff.

My dogs are older and don’t chew anymore but all my plastic laundry baskets have chew marks in them, as do my favourite ever spectacles.

This time of year is bad for shedding so
make sure DH brushes the dog outside everyday - make it part of the returning from a the walk routine.

I fully recommend a total redesign of the garden - I am a plant person too and absolutely love my garden - dogs shitting in the shrubbery drove me mad so I built some high walled brick raised beds for all my ornamental palms and then topped those with picket fencing and plastic chains (and fairy lights!)
The area where the dogs can shit is paved and I can hose it down or just throw a watering can of soapy water over it when I can’t be arsed to get the hose pipe out.

Sounds like your garden is bigger than mine, if I had the space I would fence off a run area for the dog, perhaps immediately behind the back door (for late night wees) and then build my garden beyond.

I bought a cheap carpet shampooing machine from Aldi for the rugs and have lots of blankets made from the velvety-fleecy stuff that dries quickly and cheaply.

Also, those old fashioned wire gadgets are amazing for picking up dog hairs. Rubber brooms are good too.

Perhaps you could get your DH to pay for a cleaner for downstairs from his personal spends budget? Someone who exclusively comes to deal with hair removal and stain removal from upholstery, dusting and thorough floor and skirting cleaning? Might just save your marriage!

I'm afraid this is where I would be too. The fact that he would leave the marriage over a (new) dog, one which he railroaded you into accepting, would mean things were probably over anyway.

I was going to suggest ways you might find it easier to live with the dog (I am a dog lover and owner myself) and agree that things get a lot easier once they turn 2, but actually I think this is all less about the dog and more about the relationship.

I would ignore the posts on here from "dog lovers" telling you to get over yourself. Actual dog lovers understand that to give a dog a good home requires everyone in the family to be completely committed and positive. The alternative is not fair on anyone, including the dog.

Your husband sounds like an arse TBH. I would never have a dog in my house, can't stand them. My OH loves dogs and would be thrilled to have one, but he understands that I wouldn't want to live with one, and would never pressure me to get one. (He hates snakes and fish, so I wouldn't make him live with any of those either).

IMO the person who doesn't want a child/dog/goldfish gets the casting vote. You can't bring a living thing into a household unless everyone already living there agrees to love and care for it, it's not fair on you or the dog for one person to make a unilateral decision and expect you to just put up with the stress and extra work.

I completely agree with this. It just seems like the DH has got his own way after several years of whining and nagging and moaning. Unless me and my husband both want something, whether that's a dog, a cat, or a rabbit, or children, we would never have them if both of us did not agreed to it, and were happy with it.

I'm actually gobsmacked that quite a few posters on here are saying that they would pick their pet over their partner. It must be a very poor, insecure, and lame relationship if you'd pick an animal over your actual life partner. Fucking hell. I have always loved my cats. (Had 3 over the past 22 years,) but I wouldn't be picking them over any human who I love, who I'm close to, and is a big part of my life.

I'm actually in my mid 50s now and as I say, I've had cats for 22 years and had a rabbit before that, that I got 3 years before ever had a cat... Also spent over 20 years raising two children. I have done my fair share of nurturing and 'giving...'

We have one cat left now aged 17, and although I do love her, she's getting to the point now where she keeps moaning and whining and mithering and following me around the house and tripping me up all the time. And we can't put her into a cats hotel when we go away because she's so clingy.

So we can't actually go away for any longer than overnight now (not until she dies.) Unless we pay a fortune for a sitter to come in. Any family we have lives 25+ miles away, so it's untenable for them to come twice a day for 10 days or so, and I am not having any of my neighbours in my home.

I do actually love her, but I have to say there's no way in hell I will have any more pets once she's gone. Not even a fucking goldfish.

@ulabella I have absolutely no suggestions for you whatsoever (sorry) and can't say anything more than anybody else has already said. But I have to say, if my partner/DH was putting a pet before me, that would be the end of the road for me, whether we been together 5 years, or 25 years, or 40 years and whether we had kids together or not. Put a frigging pet before me??? Off you fuck...!

I sympathise OP, I have dogs and have had dogs in my life since I was young, they are a huge burden, PITA etc but the difference is there's normally a balance of absolutely adoring them as well. I expect there has been a resentful feeling from the beginning, you were pressured into getting a dog, your views on breed of dog were not listened to and now the dog is wrecking all the things that bring you joy in life.

You need to decide what you are willing to live with;

A) DH moves out with his dog, pros - no more dog, garden restored, chaos gone. Cons - You lose your DH

B)Dog stays, pros - you and DH stay together. Cons - You still have a dog and the current chaos that brings.

A is a very set plan with no wiggle room.

B however has wiggle room, as PP have suggested could DDog have a week away now and again (or you do) or go to doggy daycare a couple of days a week to give you a break? DH needs to do a lot more training with it, as well as picking up the poo, hoovering etc as PP have mentioned. Also you could fence off part of the garden that is specifically for DDog and he's not allowed access to the rest. The destroying things will settle down eventually but I would suggest DH needs to be more on the ball with stopping DDog before he can destroy things. So if you're sitting watching TV DDog isn't in the room, and hasn't been for a few minutes..he may be up to no good DH needs to go and check on him.

The thing that really stood out to me is that you are quick to say it's you or the dog and your DH was equally as quick to say he will leave, so it sounds like there are much deeper issues here than the dog.

It's a puppy. Your going to go through dog version of baby and toddler years. Start being pro active and get dh to dog proof garden. Fence off most of it so dog cant access and create an area for dog to poop - only allowd in that area. Dog doesn't need all garden if dp is doing lots of walks.
Dog proof house. Perhaps crate training if dp isn't doing that already.

As impossible as it is for you to understand, some people just don’t like dogs and don’t get any enjoyment out of them! Yes, shocker isn’t it! 🤣

Of course it is.

How can you watch someone you claim to love struggling so much in her own home and say you’ll pick the dog over them?

Yeah, that’s not love.

I’m a dog lover and owner and this is absolute rubbish.

what is your DP doing to make things easier? He pressured you into this decision, so he needs to put things into place to reduce the stress you’re feeling. Long walks aren’t enough, what mental entertainment is he giving the dog? What training? Yes things sound puppy-like but training is required to reduce and prevent the behaviours you’re describing. Does the dog have full run of the house?

If any man chose a newly acquired dog over me I'd be packing up his shit for him and pushing him and his dog out the door myself.

Anyone who is picking their pet over their husband obviously doesn’t have a great relationship really do they.

I know someone who adored her dog - member of the family, totally besotted.
Then she had a second child and the baby / toddler came up with such an awful skin reaction covered head to toe in welts and eczema which was found to be dog hair from their dog. Dog was looked after by a friend for a couple of weeks and skin started to clear. No creams or treatments helped and after 2 years it was worse than ever.
What would you do in that situation?? Have your child adopted?

Neither of you is right or wrong, you just have different perspectives.

Though tbh I would end my relationship rather than get rid of a dog I am responsible for, so you might want to be prepared if you are giving an ultimatum.

I understand wanting your home to be the way you want it, but you would be asking your dh to give up a animal he loves. Even if he agrees, it will likely change the relationship. It's hard for me to understand how you could do that, if you love him.

Wouldn't better training with the dog be a preferable solution?

my aunt had a German separation and when it was a puppy she fenced off a tiny portion of the garden for him, just the very front bits of slabs. For the exact same reason why you said, he was destroying the garden.
he'd go on at least 3 hour walks (maybe one hour in morning and 2 at night or alternate, plus running with uncle) but it did seem cruel.
They had no carpet downstairs, so hairs weren't a problem but still. Could you fence off a portion of the garden or do you have a front garden? Could you lock the front gate and put him in the front?

I don't want a dog, maybe in retirement and only a rescue. I've had children and I'm the main care giver so when I get my freedom back I will be holding strong.
I've also had years of kids wrecking my house so I won't be allowing an animal. in to do it instead.

I know it does sound soulless and boring not wanting a pet but they are hard work and expensive.

I've heard that 'dog rocks' which you can buy, put in their water bowl, stop the pee ruining the grass.