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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 20:07

Did you ask them which toilets and showers they intend to use?

zurala · 13/03/2023 20:09

YANBU. Affirmation of this nonsense is dangerous. Can you discuss with her exactly what she thinks non binary is and what are wants to achieve?

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

SolitaryMind · 13/03/2023 20:10

I’d tell her she can change her name when she’s legally old enough at 18. Until then you will use her given name. I’d be wanting to nip this in the bud before she starts talking about hormones and top surgery.

MaireadMcSweeney · 13/03/2023 20:11

YANBU
and why would being 'non binary' mean she needs to use the boys loos?
unless she wants special loos of her own?

twelly · 13/03/2023 20:12

All of this is such irritating - I would be furious that the youth worker was going along with it. It seems to me that this whole movement is being fuelled by adults manipulating young people.

MeinKraft · 13/03/2023 20:13

I cannot believe the cheek of that youth group leader!! Seriously a charity or helpline or something needs to be set up for parents in this situation and not just one that says agree with everything the child demands.

QueenCamilla · 13/03/2023 20:14

I thought this nonsense is a bit 2021 now?

Tell her you're not her mum anymore.
It's Papa or Fred.

Ludo19 · 13/03/2023 20:14

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

This

It's all bullshit. What toilets is she planning on using if she's a non binary female? My feeling is she's spent too much time on SM being indoctrinated into the new norm.

AutismNameChange · 13/03/2023 20:14

I'd personally tread carefully regardless of your views. You don't want to alienate them and risk them going solo on this journey without your loving guidance. I would use their preferred name for now, however ridiculous you think the situation is, it obviously matters to them.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/03/2023 20:15

So the youth worker told you, the mother, what name you're allowed to call your minor child? They need to wind their necks in.

MaireadMcSweeney · 13/03/2023 20:15

AutismNameChange · 13/03/2023 20:14

I'd personally tread carefully regardless of your views. You don't want to alienate them and risk them going solo on this journey without your loving guidance. I would use their preferred name for now, however ridiculous you think the situation is, it obviously matters to them.

'Going solo on this journey' what? She's 13. She needs 'loving guidance' to knock this nonsense on the head.

Hoardasurass · 13/03/2023 20:15

May I suggest that you look at the bayswater (sp) support group for help and you may want to read the cass review before you allow your child to socially transition as it is not a neutral act. Also you might want to look at the club she attends as they are taking a massive medical decision to socially transition your child without your consent and then has the audacity to correct you over your child's name massive red flag there

pumpkintits · 13/03/2023 20:16

I would just keep using her actual name. You don't need to indulge her ridiculous fantasy, and I would have told that person at pick up exactly what her legal name is.

Rupiduti · 13/03/2023 20:17

I feel so old fashioned and I'm only 30 but it absolutely terrifies me the type of world these children and teens are growing up in. I feel like so many of these cases are just to be in with the latest trend but it can have such a terrible long lasting mental damage.

Meandfour · 13/03/2023 20:18

YADNBU!! Sounds really shit OP and I’d have been furious with that leader too.
Keep calling your daughter by her name and hopefully she will knock this nonsense on the head soon!

AutismNameChange · 13/03/2023 20:19

MaireadMcSweeney · 13/03/2023 20:15

'Going solo on this journey' what? She's 13. She needs 'loving guidance' to knock this nonsense on the head.

Show quote history

I'd just be worried @MaireadMcSweeney that telling telling teenagers just to not do something, or that something is stupid and ridiculous, rarely means they will stop doing said thing.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/03/2023 20:21

MaireadMcSweeney · 13/03/2023 20:11

YANBU
and why would being 'non binary' mean she needs to use the boys loos?
unless she wants special loos of her own?

I would make it very clear both to child and school that she is not going to use the boys' loos and changing room or share with male pupils on a residential trip. You need to have a very direct conversation with her about why single sex spaces are needed. What's on her mind to make her feel that she wants to opt out of being a girl?

Rachie1973 · 13/03/2023 20:22

The name thing is irrelevant really. I’d go along with that. She can change it legally at 16.

The loos etc though, I’d tell her she needs to address it with the school as she already has appropriate areas in place.

Name99 · 13/03/2023 20:30

Non binary means neither gender doesn't it?
So which toilets does she want to use?

BibbleandSqwauk · 13/03/2023 20:30

There was a really great interview on radio 4 a few weeks ago, with a 19 yo girl who had detransitioned and her mum. Her mum never used her "new name". When the girl realised after about 5 years that it wasnt her sex that was preventing her being herself but other social, teen factors , she found it much easier to go back as there was still a route, a firm line. She said whilst it caused her much angst at the time, she was forever grateful that her mum and retained a sense of reality and prevented her from doing anything physical / hormonal that was damaging or irreversible.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/03/2023 20:33

I wonder what would happen if you also discovered your inner non binary identity, OP? I would certainly be tempted to move away from being a boring old cis mum. You could escape the ennui.

TheKeatingFive · 13/03/2023 20:34

I'd be tempted to call her bluff too. Tell her you will now answer only to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Janedoe82 · 13/03/2023 20:34

Honestly- if my fourteen year old daughter came out with this I would tell her to stop being so stupid- that she is a girl and to stop getting on like an odd ball. And I certainly wouldn’t be calling her a different name. She could cry and yell all she wanted but I am the adult.

Jackandjamie · 13/03/2023 20:35

This sounds like a power trip from a child going through the usual teenage rebellion stage except now the worlds gone mad and some adults are agreeing. I’d tell her she can change her name when she’s 16 by deed poll and until then, you’ll call her by her legal name. The ‘they/them’ thing is getting out of hand and is genuinely just a trend in high school at this point.

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