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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 14/03/2023 17:23

Helleofabore · 14/03/2023 17:19

And do you think that at 13, the OPs daughter knows that they are non-binary and what that means?

Show quote history

As I've already said I think they are very much in the process of figuring that out and that takes time, acceptance and understanding.

BillyMack · 14/03/2023 17:26

Is there a chance it is an old fashioned name and this is the driving force behind the change?

Name5 · 14/03/2023 18:03

This has been a really helpful thread and I am five years in.
We are what we are, but social media friends play a big part in this ideology.
I want to say thank you too to those people speaking out. I have been shouted down many times on MN for questioning my DDs journey. X

TheKeatingFive · 14/03/2023 18:09

Obviously as an adult you've a more fully formed understanding of the world but i think its harmful to tell your child that you don't trust them or their ability to understand themselves.

The way you're positioning this just feels really dangerous and wrong headed.

Not even the most vocal of the trans community can define what gender identity actually is, or pin it down to more than a 'feeling' or social stereotypes.

Combine that with clear evidence of social contagion, natural teenage confusion and sense of rebellion, discomfort in the changing bodies of puberty, dawning awareness of same-sex attraction, rejection of gender stereotypes, potential mental health issues, affirmation from cheerleading adults ...

The idea of 'trusting' a minor to know that they're supposed to be the opposite sex in those circumstances seems totally bonkers. They're navigating a ridiculously complex environment at a time in life not known for deep self knowledge or great decision making, with guidance that's obviously lacking.

It's not about trust, but having a realistic view of the situation.

Isuppose · 14/03/2023 18:18

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

I'm not a teacher and agree this is absolute bullshit.

I would not entertain this rubbish at all.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 14/03/2023 18:24

We are 2 years on from this and agreed to use the name our child decided on and I wish we didn't. I don't think this is the right path for him - currently waiting on an ASC assessment - and I think the name change makes it difficult to undo what has been done. The rhetoric that comes out of his mouth absolutely boils my piss.

Helleofabore · 14/03/2023 18:49

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 14/03/2023 18:24

We are 2 years on from this and agreed to use the name our child decided on and I wish we didn't. I don't think this is the right path for him - currently waiting on an ASC assessment - and I think the name change makes it difficult to undo what has been done. The rhetoric that comes out of his mouth absolutely boils my piss.

I wish that there was some studies about this. I have two families who have not used the new names and their daughters are still persistent in their identities, however, they have excellent relationships with their families. One has changed their name with their friends several times now. One family has settled for a nick name although has explained that sometimes they will use the child's original name.

It is very hard to know what to do. However, it was very much complicated by the school socially transitioning their children without consultation with the parents. With one teen, it was against therapists recommendation.

I hope that Dr Cass and other experts will soon have some better guidance. At the moment it is vague and some people who feel they are doing the right thing are causing issues for that child and their families.

Helleofabore · 14/03/2023 18:50

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 14/03/2023 18:24

We are 2 years on from this and agreed to use the name our child decided on and I wish we didn't. I don't think this is the right path for him - currently waiting on an ASC assessment - and I think the name change makes it difficult to undo what has been done. The rhetoric that comes out of his mouth absolutely boils my piss.

I feel for any family in this situation.

54isanopendoor · 14/03/2023 19:09

Crunchymum · 14/03/2023 14:00

I think if my kids ever try this nonsense I am going to go Phoebe Buffet on them!

They can change their name but I'll also be changing mine to "Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock"

Seriously this shit has gone too far and needs to be stopped. My Y5 had a classmate decide they were no longer "Abbey" but were now "Andy" - the kids were all informed of this without the parents knowledge and consent and of course the kid was back to being Abbey within the week.

I have huge sympathy for anyone who is truly struggling with their gender identitybut enough already.

Abbey / Andy aren't real names.

Oh, certainly it can be without parental knowledge or consent.
My Dd was 14 when I got that phone call.
I was sniffily told: 'we are not calling to ask your consent (to formally change her name on the Register, & thence on her exams) but to inform you'.
She was 14. Autistic & selectively mute. Dyslexic (can't name the months of the year, doesnt know what season it is or what she wants for Xmas). She takes a soft toy to school, wears ear defenders & sunglasses. But, she 'decided to be Trans'.
I told her that, aged 14, she will have a LOT of powerful feelings. She needs to take her time to sort out what they are, & if they will last. THEN she can decide.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/03/2023 19:32

Is there a chance it is an old fashioned name and this is the driving force behind the change?

It certainly seems to carry a great weight of history and baggage. It might be a bit hard to be oneself or to have a separate identity with a name like that (coming from a God and being that of a deceased mother).

FabulousFryingpan · 14/03/2023 19:39

I think someone's on to me, have I just been outed?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/03/2023 19:41

I also get where you are coming from Lavender. There is a difference between fawning belief and more neutral acceptance that this is that young persons reality at this moment in time. I think that has to come with gentle critical questioning though (“a lion? That’s out there. How on Earth did you manage to feed it”) both to allow the young person a chance to test their position and because deep down the young person knows they are talking bollocks and will have a greater respect for older people who don’t blindly agree with them. In the case of the worker in the OP a line was crossed when they corrected the parent in the manner they did. An “ah, OK, also known as Maryanne in this neck of the woods” would have been a better response.

WarningToTheCurious · 14/03/2023 23:16

I think young people now have a lot more information in general than I certainly had growing up and I think a lot of them feel a lot of pressure to have a fully formulated identity much earlier than I would have at the same age

I think young people have had their heads filled with a lot of regressive gendered nonsense in the last few years. Add in the day to day misogyny that makes young women both uncomfortable and unsafe and here we are.

BastardtheCat · 14/03/2023 23:18

How much time does she spend online? Does she use social media? Do you monitor usage?
Do you know what she's looking at?

Slutdrop · 14/03/2023 23:28

LuluLehman · 14/03/2023 12:35

Or [door] KNOB.

No offence meant. I just had to say it.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

maddening · 15/03/2023 00:30

Out if all the trans ideology the non binary aspect is the most obnoxious and totally very teen girl. So sorry op that your family is impacted by this dangerous trend/ social contagion. Hopefully she comes out of it before the cult have her too enmeshed.

maddening · 15/03/2023 00:32

FabulousFryingpan · 14/03/2023 19:39

I think someone's on to me, have I just been outed?

What do you mean? Irl?

maddening · 15/03/2023 00:34

TheKeatingFive · 14/03/2023 18:09

Obviously as an adult you've a more fully formed understanding of the world but i think its harmful to tell your child that you don't trust them or their ability to understand themselves.

The way you're positioning this just feels really dangerous and wrong headed.

Not even the most vocal of the trans community can define what gender identity actually is, or pin it down to more than a 'feeling' or social stereotypes.

Combine that with clear evidence of social contagion, natural teenage confusion and sense of rebellion, discomfort in the changing bodies of puberty, dawning awareness of same-sex attraction, rejection of gender stereotypes, potential mental health issues, affirmation from cheerleading adults ...

The idea of 'trusting' a minor to know that they're supposed to be the opposite sex in those circumstances seems totally bonkers. They're navigating a ridiculously complex environment at a time in life not known for deep self knowledge or great decision making, with guidance that's obviously lacking.

It's not about trust, but having a realistic view of the situation.

This is so well put.

Sartre · 15/03/2023 06:16

Kids have always done weird stuff like this. I went through a phase as a young child of wanting to be called Lindsay (no idea why, I really dislike the name now!) and my Dad went along with it to the extent he let me tell a restaurant I was called Lindsay on my birthday so they sang happy birthday Lindsay 😂. It’s most likely just a weird phase… As for the non binary bullshit, that’s just attention seeking nonsense and she will outgrow it.

Slutdrop · 15/03/2023 09:31

FabulousFryingpan · 14/03/2023 19:39

I think someone's on to me, have I just been outed?

Hahaha 😂

HoppingPavlova · 15/03/2023 11:25

In fact. I don’t mind this bollocks as it gives me an out. I have a bunch of young adults at home and on the odd occasion I inform them that I now identify as a pot plant that reads, and as such will be spending the day in bed on my kindle and they can all fuck off. No lifts anywhere, no ‘where is this or that’. I reinforce it’s my right to identify the way I want. It gives me peace for a day plus reinforces that them what bullshit this all is, so win/win.

HoppingPavlova · 15/03/2023 11:26

*with them

Name5 · 15/03/2023 12:02

@HoppingPavlova the pot plant indentifer is interesting. I might try this on the DD. I shall be an alien due to my huge IQ and fab ability to multi task. The DD has a great sense of humour so it might defuse on a bad day.

JonahAndTheSnail · 15/03/2023 12:21

If she's grown up to decide to change her name and gender identity, then she should be mature enough to speak to the school about her changing room and toilet preferences.

I do think with a lot of teenagers, it's attention seeking or the 'cool' thing to do amongst their peers. I would say around 80% of the teenage customers at my work have or are 'transitioning to female' (i.e. wearing dresses and skirts and attempting to make their voices high pitched). I only know of one who has taken hormone therapy and undergone a vaginoplasty. Or they change their name to something gender neutral amongst their friends. I think some of them do have an insight that it's slightly ridiculous. My 18 year old colleague mentioned she was wanting to her name to something more gender neutral as the name felt more 'right' to her. She followed this by saying she didn't want to incovenience us by changing the name at work. I said it's no issue to me if you want me to call you by a different name, just let me know, oddly she never told me what the new name is.

Adarajames · 15/03/2023 21:33

Most of the young teen girls I know have jumped on the non binary band wagon, changed at school etc. Now wanting their own names back but too embarrassed to ask school to change back, and worried what the rest of the kids will think. Really crappy situation for young people, really hoping it’ll die out soon!