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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/03/2023 21:22

Do they need your permission to be known as a different name at school?

Surely tey just sort that out themselves?

Also the toilets & changing rooms?

dapsnotplimsolls · 13/03/2023 21:24

Don't call her by either name. Call her 'Fruit of my loins'. That should do the trick.

Its2amimustbelonely · 13/03/2023 21:24

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:20

OrangeAndFizz · Today 20:57

@OrangeAndFizz *Best not to rise to the bait. I'd go along with it, in a bored way. It's likely a fad/phase and she'll grow out of it.

Should she not grow out of it you'll still be doing the right thing*

I agree
One of my kids is non binary and yes we do find it challenging but they're much happier now. Might be a stage, might not...

Agree op, changing to another long girls name is a new one on me, but would you prefer Keith or Ian?

Happier how?! With their new name? With their clothes? With someone in their family referring to them as a 'they' rather than he or she? Is the mental health of teenagers so fragile that this solves all their problems?! I just don't understand it.

LikeTearsInRain · 13/03/2023 21:25

If you decided to change your name and your family refused to use it, you’d be annoyed right?

Good luck dealing with the fallout of refusing lol

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:25

Viviennemary · 13/03/2023 21:22

No no no.. When she is 18 she can mske those decisions. Until then you are in charge.

solid way to have your kid hate you.

MollochTheCorrupter · 13/03/2023 21:26

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:15

this isn't a good place to ask. Much of the membership has a deep hatred of all things "transgender".

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So where's the science you promised?
Every thread, until you deliver.
I've relented on the clownfish. Could do with a laugh.

howmanybicycles · 13/03/2023 21:26

You might be able to 'reassure her' that most people in the ladies loos don't 'identify as women' and in fact the loos are not segregated by gender at all - or there'd be over 100 different toilets to choose from. Not identifying as either man or woman actually makes her one of the masses.

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:26

@Its2amimustbelonely yes happier, than beofre anyway. I don't claim to understand the science behind it, and it's not been easy as I'm sure you can imagine.

secondspring · 13/03/2023 21:26

I have a young child who is 12 and identifies as a fury in my afterschool club and I had to go home and google it I kid you not. I just had never heard of it before.

Its2amimustbelonely · 13/03/2023 21:28

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:26

@Its2amimustbelonely yes happier, than beofre anyway. I don't claim to understand the science behind it, and it's not been easy as I'm sure you can imagine.

What material things changed in the life of your child to make them noticeably and visibly happier?

MeridianB · 13/03/2023 21:28

Is there a chance that this youth worker is driving or encouraging this?

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 21:28

Slutdrop · 13/03/2023 21:20

I immediately thought of Frying Pan, I don't know why 😂😂😂

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I thought Ironing Board and Kettle 🤣

tweedledee12 · 13/03/2023 21:29

DarkNecessities · 13/03/2023 20:54

I’m so happy to read these replies - I thought I was in the minority thinking this is bonkers.

Play ‘them’ at their own game …/

Me too! I usually just keep my (strong) opinions to myself but it's refreshing to see so many other people sick of this attention seeking bollocks.

Hankunamatata · 13/03/2023 21:29

The completely cynical part of me wonder if this non binary is about toilets and showers. Dc tells me the toilets in high school are awful and usually full of undesirables so you don't want to use them, to the point dc wont eat in school. no one wants to shower in high school if they are awful open showers with no curtains. Say your non binary you get key for disabled toilet and not having to shower

CremeEggQueen · 13/03/2023 21:29

LikeTearsInRain · 13/03/2023 21:25

If you decided to change your name and your family refused to use it, you’d be annoyed right?

Good luck dealing with the fallout of refusing lol

This
Is it just because they've said they're non binary that you don't want to accept their new name, or would you have refused too if they just wanted to change their name but hadn't said anything about being non binary?
Must admit I'm not sure why they say can't use the girls loos anymore though?

ghostyslovesheets · 13/03/2023 21:30

I'd be exploring what it is about being a girl that she doesn't like/want to identify with - I mean I can't imagine in this society why young women might find being female bloody scary. Often it's also linked to biological changes in puberty - when girls find the sexism and misogyny gets ramped up.

Still - being non binary means she accepts there are only two biological sexes which is good!

KeepCompany · 13/03/2023 21:30

I’d book some therapy for her, and not with anyone gender affirming.

I wouldn’t refer to her as they/them.

What is she watching online? Who is she hanging around with?

So many kids are buying into this nonsense.

itsnotgreatisit · 13/03/2023 21:30

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

Agree with this. Such attention seeking behaviour.
Stick to your guns and tell her she will have to wait until 18 to change her name. By that point she will probably be embarrassed that she even tried to go down this route.

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:31

Its2amimustbelonely · 13/03/2023 21:28

What material things changed in the life of your child to make them noticeably and visibly happier?

Show quote history

More and nicer friends, hanging out with is more, smiling more, opening up more, more confident...I'll take that.
Like I say it's not been easy, we dk t take it lightly. It's been our choice to go along with it , we get the they them wrong a lot still.

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:32

Hanging out with us more sorry

Iam4eels · 13/03/2023 21:32

Viviennemary · 13/03/2023 21:22

No no no.. When she is 18 she can mske those decisions. Until then you are in charge.

You can legally change your name at age 16. You can also consent to your own medical decisions from 16.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 13/03/2023 21:33

If she still feels the same at 18 then it's her choice to have it changed officially. But for now she has to go by the name she has. Unless she has a middle name she might want to use.

Refrosty · 13/03/2023 21:33

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:25

solid way to have your kid hate you.

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I did not realise we had to ignore our own instincts just in case they hate us.

OP my cousin is going through something similar with her son. I'd put all the outward cries for attention to one side and start seeking out the reasons why she's acting like this. It's only fair she offer you insight into her decision making before you play along.

ivegotthisyeah · 13/03/2023 21:33

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

As a parent of a child who is secondary school I am also sick to death of this shit being rammed down my child's neck.

Reugny · 13/03/2023 21:34

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

As there are 72 or whatever gender pronouns then you should try them all out on your child to ensure they have the right ones.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

You need to fully embrace this. So Google some nicknames now and do your child a favour by using a diminutive of their new name. You can use a different one every few days.

Oh and you are now only to be referred to them as Sierra Hotel India Tango in public places. You refuse to answer to anything else and you are bit deaf so they may have to call very loudly in large shops.

And as you are Astergender your pronouns are star, star, star, star, starself.