AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

don't claim to understand the science behind it

Well you're in luck, a PowerPoint on genderism at an eighth grade level has been promised. I mean, we've been waiting days, but that couldn't be because it's nonsensical bullshit. They're probably just adding cliparts.

And if you want to know more about the science maybe look at what shorterm testosterone did to healthy russian female athletes a few decades ago before you consider cheerleading further.

Yes, not sure why people are saying 18, it's 16 for medical decisions etc. It is in the UK anyway

I'm so glad I'm out of teaching now, does no-one realise that young people will jump on any band-wagon and are oblivious of harm it way do to them now or in the future?
We're soon going to have people expecting the poor NHS to deal with the mental health fall out of all this nonsense.

Unenrolled through a specialist agency or solicitor, yes.

I would 100% be removing her phone and also, she wouldn't be going to that youth group again.

What absolute nonsense.

Tell her you identify as a pineapple…doesn’t actually mean you are one. Kids are being indoctrinated with this BS, as responsible parents we have to stop them from being so foolish.

Surely by declaring yourself non-binary ultimately makes you binary? As you're either non-binary or binary? Doesn't anyone realise this?

God I despair of this bullshit. I really wish I had a way to challenge it in public without risking my entire career. I'm a school governor and was at a training session on safeguarding this week where this was touched on and I'm just so frustrated to be another person saying nothing and thinking WTF.

Well, I agree that the personal pronouns thing is getting a bit out of hand but... as far as your child's name is concerned, why is it a problem if they want to be known by a different name?
I did when I was a teen, and as I'm now in my 60s it was long, long before the current trend of non-binary/changing rooms/loos stuff.

I just didn't like my name. I decided to change it and be someone different; a change of first name can be done before the age of 18. You can either call yourself by your new name and get others to do so too; or, if you want to do it legally, it's called a Statuary Declaration of Change of Name and can be drawn up by a solicitor. I was 16/17 when I did mine, and it was legally binding...I took the paperwork to school and got them to change the school register. My parents didn't have much say in the matter and that was 'way back in the late 1970s!!

If your child wants a different name, why can't you just go along with it and call them that? They'll either keep the new name for life (I did) or they'll grow out of it if you don't make a fuss.

Interesting point on changing names - Boris Johnson was Alexander, George Osborne was Gideon and Stella Braverman was Sue-Ellen.I think it has the potential to be an interesting research topic, do people who change their names have certain characteristics / exhibit certain behaviours?

You can consent to medical decisions before that if you are deemed competent enough. So if you don't want a vaccination at 14 but your parents want you to have it, no healthcare practitioner will hold you down.

Totally agree. Same shit m, different generation

This.

And yanbu.

Quite.

Everyone is replying about non binary and how it's bollocks but that's the thing you have agreed with. You just don't want her to use a different, yet still 'female' name.

Love this. It’s so true

I'd pick your battles, OP and treat it like you would any other phase "yes, dear... That's nice, dear... What would you like for tea?" It costs you nothing to call her by her chosen name, suddenly wanting to be called a new name has been a teenage thing since time immemorial. A surefire was to make a teenager dig their heels in and double down is to say no to everything so roll your eyes and tolerate the minor-issues such as a name so that when you need to say no to what you consider a red-line issue (like using the boys toilets) it carries more weight.

Autocorrect - Suella not Stella!

Personally I would go along with it very casually and assume it’s a phase. I wouldn’t battle her on it as it’ll be hard for her to ‘admit’ she wants her old identity back… if she ever does.

It’s not a hill I’d die on.

Some of the people who you claim changed their name are actually using one of their middle names.

I'm related to, know and have met plenty of people who have done this in rl.

The reason can be due to their being another person in the household with the same name, a sibling not being able to pronounce the name, the first name being name associated with parents country/ethnic origins, the first name not being associated with parents country/ethnic origins, and another 101 reasons.

Exactly this!

And did all that come from simply changing the pronoun you use to refer to them when they are not in the room? Because that's the only change I can see being attributed to being non binary. We can change our names! We can wear whatever clothes we like! We can choose not to wear make up! We can cut our hair short! If a single pronoun is the difference between happiness and misery, there is something very wrong.

YANBU

Teenagers may claim to hate boundaries set by parents, but in reality, she's being socially conditioned to change her name, so be firm, but loving and say, "That's a decision for when you're an adult."

Although I'm female and identify as female (well I don't really I just am iyswim?!) I actually believe everyone is gender non binary.

Gender is a social construct. What makes one person think someone is female gendered will be different to the next and vice versa for males.

And what one culture thinks is stereotypical for a woman will be different for another.

Same for counties and even different areas of the same country.

So I'd be asking her what non binary means to her. What does it mean to her not to adhere to any gender. Ask her to define what she thinks makes her adhere to any gender norms and praise her for being herself.

But alongside this clearly state that she cannot change her name or be socially transitioned under the age of 16 and you'll be making sure she isn't. After that it's her call and you'll support it.

Oh and ask her if she doesn't think she adheres to any gender stereotype why can she not use the toilets for female sex. I'd be interested to know if she thinks being non gender stereotypical makes her actually male?!

Or does she think being non binary means she should have her own set of toilets or that all toilets should be unisex?

Half the time I don't think teens truly think through what they are saying enough to truly understand themselves the consequences of what they're asking.

And it worries me that those who have genuine body dysmorhia and do transition are being dwarfed, ignored and no take seriously because every other teen thinks it's a thing.

Exactly. The utter nerve. I bet that youth leader was younger than the OP.

OMG this in spades 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 THANKYOU for actually saying this!