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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
twitterexile · 13/03/2023 21:10

So glad that people are calling this out for the regressive harmful bullshit that it is.

Meandfour · 13/03/2023 21:11

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 13/03/2023 21:06

The two non-binary people I know (one an acquaintance, one I know better) are both biologically female, both present in a stereotypical non-girly look, and both have partners who also identify as non-binary and are biologically female. So basically they’re lesbians. They are women who are attracted women and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The one I know better denies being gay because they are attracted to a non-binary not based on their gender but based on them. I get very confused.

Both of these people have changed their names - to objects. Their names are the names of things you would find in the house.

Both have spoken to me about mental health issues and school issues and I think that’s telling. I have nothing against them but when they kick off about pronoun mistakes, people making fun of their names, and the fact that they feel single sex spaces shouldn’t exist full stop and we should all be of one and be telling the children the same……no. No no no.

Show quote history

I haven’t ignored the rest of your post but I am just sat chuckling at the thought of a couple who call themselves Table & Chairs or Kettle & Toaster 😂😂

Octopusmittens · 13/03/2023 21:13

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

We need more teachers like you with common sense, the world is going mad.

SullysBabyMama · 13/03/2023 21:13
Laughing Out Loud Lol GIF by Studios 2016

Table and Chairs- this gives me life!

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:13

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

I can believe you're exhausted with it! As if the days aren't busy enough.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/03/2023 21:14

Even before non binary was a thing, lots of kids went through stages of wanting to change their names - I remember several at school. They usually grew out of it.

LuluLehman · 13/03/2023 21:14

When I was a very young child I always asked my mum if I could have my hair cut very short and if she would only buy me "boys' shoes". My mum did as I wished, which was so lovely because she was very conservative regarding gender identity.

I didn't see myself as non binary or a boy I just wanted the freedom that boys have. I didn't like girls' shoes because, although they are pretty I felt you couldn't run and play in them with freedom. I often wonder whether if I had expressed these ideas these days I might be steered into identifying as non binary, which I am not.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to state that to this day I am very grateful that my mum wasn't cross with me, but that she very lovingly allowed me to express myself as I chose to.

lordloveadog · 13/03/2023 21:14

Also, if were my child and depending on what child is like, I'd show her Sam Brinton and explain a lot of stuff. I took this somewhat scorched earth policy with my older teenager when he got interested in it all. Showed him what a lot of creepy fuckery there is out there and that sex really does matter. He took the point and has been much wiser for it. But he was a couple of years older.

xprincessxjanetx · 13/03/2023 21:15

None of this woke non binary BS was around when I was a child! It's all nonsense and I can't abide it.

ghostyslovesheets · 13/03/2023 21:15

Buy a little collar with a bell - wear it and say you are now a cat and will only answer to Tiddles - use a litter tray

and to the teacher who posted - well said !

Switchwitch · 13/03/2023 21:15

Id just give her a different name of my choice: "hello, princess consuela fussy pants the third"

3amflatulence · 13/03/2023 21:15

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

this is refreshing to hear- I do worry about indoctrination by some teachers

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:15

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

this isn't a good place to ask. Much of the membership has a deep hatred of all things "transgender".

Odetoaday · 13/03/2023 21:16

Hard to say one way or the other. Regarding non-binary that's a big decision and may be just teenagers jumping on band wagons or confused or may truly be how your child does identify, I imagine that will only become clear in time with your love and support.

However regarding name changes I do feel you are being unreasonable. I have changed my middle and surname (not sie to marriage) and my younger sister has changed her first name. Not to do with changed gender identity, just how we feel we want to be named and our mum has shown complete acceptance. I once heard it wonderfully put- your name was a gift from your parents when you were born. As with all gifts if it doesn't suit you or no longer works for you or no longer brings you joy, you are welcome to discard it.

Names are a massive part of our identity like clothing style or hair colour and I feel we are all free to choose them. I hold this true with my own child, we chose his name but if it turns out it doesn't work for him, then it's his name and he's welcome to change it.

senua · 13/03/2023 21:16

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.
No way would my child be going back to that youth group.
Agreed. Tell DC that you don't appreciate the youth group undermining your parenting so you are not giving lifts there any more.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 13/03/2023 21:17

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:15

this isn't a good place to ask. Much of the membership has a deep hatred of all things "transgender".

Show quote history

this is a good place to ask. Most of the membership has a deep concern for the safety and wellbeing of children.

There - fixed that for you Musky

Mariposista · 13/03/2023 21:17

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

I totally agree with you

Lindy2 · 13/03/2023 21:18

3amflatulence · 13/03/2023 21:15

this is refreshing to hear- I do worry about indoctrination by some teachers

Show quote history

It's been the teachers at my child's school that have encouraged this ridiculousness.

OldSkoolLikeHappyShopper · 13/03/2023 21:19

Honestly the world has gone fucking mad. DD1 has ASD and the majority of her friends like to pretend they’re non binary or the other gender to what they actually are. It drives me potty. Her best friend went from being a boy, to a they, to a girl in the space of 6 months. And then DD gets affronted that I don’t want to go along with it all and address them by whatever name/pronoun they’ve chosen that week. I’m transphobic apparently. No, I just can’t believe that 75% of young people are swept up by this nonsense. I know of 3 teenagers who are having hormone treatment with a view to changing their gender, and I live in a rural backwater.

Slutdrop · 13/03/2023 21:20

Meandfour · 13/03/2023 21:11

I haven’t ignored the rest of your post but I am just sat chuckling at the thought of a couple who call themselves Table & Chairs or Kettle & Toaster 😂😂

Show quote history

I immediately thought of Frying Pan, I don't know why 😂😂😂

Allwelcome · 13/03/2023 21:20

OrangeAndFizz · Today 20:57

@OrangeAndFizz *Best not to rise to the bait. I'd go along with it, in a bored way. It's likely a fad/phase and she'll grow out of it.

Should she not grow out of it you'll still be doing the right thing*

I agree
One of my kids is non binary and yes we do find it challenging but they're much happier now. Might be a stage, might not...

Agree op, changing to another long girls name is a new one on me, but would you prefer Keith or Ian?

piqueen · 13/03/2023 21:21

I'm sp glad this wasn't around when I was a child. I remember a day when all the girls got told iff in class for putting 'avril' on their worksheets because avril lavigj had just one out and we all wanted to be skater boys
so much so that we pinned our skirts in the middle using prefect badges to turn them into shorts... because we weren't girls we were skaters

I mean what the fuck would have happened if our teacher had said
"yes you are boys aren't you? would you like some hormones?"

by the next week we were all mcfly.

Lolaandbehold · 13/03/2023 21:21

Sorry OP I haven’t RTFT. I’d be taking your daughter out of that youth group and off social media.
I wouldn’t be affirming bullshit either. I’d be dealing in biological reality.

ElonsMusky · 13/03/2023 21:22

MrsOvertonsWindow · 13/03/2023 21:17

this is a good place to ask. Most of the membership has a deep concern for the safety and wellbeing of children.

There - fixed that for you Musky

Show quote history

no need to fix babe. I meant what I wrote and wrote what I meant. But thanks anyway ;)

Viviennemary · 13/03/2023 21:22

No no no.. When she is 18 she can mske those decisions. Until then you are in charge.

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