AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

The name thing I would accept it's only a name and it sounds like she hasn't picked something silly. Have the school provided gender neutral toilets?

Sorry all of my friends’ teenage daughters over the past year or two.

A girl wanting to change her name to another girl's name? Not sure that's a bridge I'd want to die on. The toilets/changing room thing - no way.

Best not to rise to the bait. I'd go along with it, in a bored way. It's likely a fad/phase and she'll grow out of it.

Should she not grow out of it you'll still be doing the right thing.

Seems to me that the name is the least of your issues here. What is going on for your daughter to bring all this on? It's all very well everyone saying just to dismiss it, but I think that would just cause further issues. If your daughter is struggling, you need to know why and figure out a way to fix it.

Absolutely this. I wouldn't pander to all this nonsense.

I find the whole idea of non-binary so reductive. So regressive. As though a girl who isn't girly or who likes "unfeminine" things can't possibly be female, "they" have to be non-binary.

Meh. I we t through several name changes as a teen. All part of finding my identity. Thankfully my parents just shrugged and said whatever. I'd have fought them much harder if they resisted!

Your ok with calling them They/Them but won’t call them a girls name

I don’t know about the non binary side of things but ‘changing’ your name in high school isn’t anything new. Me and my friends all picked a new name and went by it all year somewhere between age 13-15. I liked mine so much that it stuck and parents even called me it sometimes for years 🤷‍♀️

Ask her if she's ever put a head into the boys' toilets at school. One day of using them will cure her of wanting to ever go in them again.

I'd give in on the name but not the gender nonsense.

Had to call one child after that penguin on octonauts for about a year in late toddlerhood, but he got over it eventually.

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

No fucking way would my child be going back to that youth group.

Personally I think you should let her use whatever name she wants and be as sweetly supportive as you can. I'd nod along to all the non-binary crap (indeed I'd start identifying as non-binary too).

But I would make clear to her that she doesn't get to dictate your grammar and that toilets are segregated by sex, not gender identity.

Most of all I would keep her well away from loons who think they get to tell a 13YOs parents what to do call their own child. That person is going to cause her harm.

We are the adults, it is up to us to start calling this out for the bullshit it is.
We are doing our children no favours by pandering to this and enabling this absolute nonsense.

Say no, that’s not your name, this …..insert name….. is you name. And stop with the pronoun bs while you’re at it.

We have to stop this, I believe it is actively damaging children.

I truly think that nodding along and pandering to this shit has led us to where are are now as a society. We have to stop.

The two non-binary people I know (one an acquaintance, one I know better) are both biologically female, both present in a stereotypical non-girly look, and both have partners who also identify as non-binary and are biologically female. So basically they’re lesbians. They are women who are attracted women and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The one I know better denies being gay because they are attracted to a non-binary not based on their gender but based on them. I get very confused.

Both of these people have changed their names - to objects. Their names are the names of things you would find in the house.

Both have spoken to me about mental health issues and school issues and I think that’s telling. I have nothing against them but when they kick off about pronoun mistakes, people making fun of their names, and the fact that they feel single sex spaces shouldn’t exist full stop and we should all be of one and be telling the children the same……no. No no no.

What toilets/ changing rooms are they planning to use?
If they don't think they can use the female ones anymore because they don't 'feel' female, they also can't use the male ones on account of not being/feeling male.

You must of course send them in with a note tomorrow OP to inform the school of their new name.

And sign it from 'Zaphod Beeblebrox's Underpants' (or whatever deemed appropriate).

This nonsense really has to stop.

🙌🏻

I have an awful feeling we’ll look back on this nonsense in a decade and say ‘why on earth did we let this happen’. I dread to think of the stress all this causes teachers and support staff.

Good to see so many parents having the confidence to be the adults on here. In addition the the Bayswater group, Transgender Trend has lots of information. Here's a piece from a clinical psychologist about the dreadful impact on teenagers of "social transitioning" . Our children deserve so much better:

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

We have to stop this, I believe it is actively damaging children.

Some of it is, some of it isn't. You don't stop social contagion by banning it- that just feeds it.

A kid changing their name is normal, harmless rebellion. So is giving themselves a silly label. The damage is the stereotypes and poisonous ideas about gender roles that come with this fashion.

By being over-supportive on the harmless bits it makes it harder to rebel against clear boundaries on the harmful bits.

This. I’ll call you whatever name you want. However I’d be clear that their sex remains the same regardless of how they choose to identify.

Apparently mixed berry gender fluid muffins 🙄

No, I wouldn't be going along with this. I'd tell her to stop being so bloody ridiculous.

And I'd be seriously considering whether to let her attend the youth group thingy again if the people who are running it are such dicks (in fact, I'd be suspicious about exactly where your dd is picking up these views?)