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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would your husband go to work in this situation?

208 replies

Cantcookhavetocook · 13/03/2023 04:49

I think I know the answer but just wondering really…

We’ve got a 3 month old and an almost 3-year-old. The older one had major sickness and diarrhoea on Friday night/ Saturday morning and it has now passed to me, so I started being sick and having diarrhoea last night (Sunday night) around 8pm and had my latest bout of vomiting about half an hour ago (04:00 Monday morning). The baby is EBF and having a very restless night so I’ve been up a lot with him, and changing his nappy has made me sick so I’ve had to do that into a bucket (lovely).

My husband starts a new job today, sort of within the same organisation but a promotion and a different team which he will lead. He usually WFH most days but was planning to go to site to kick things off today (Monday), leaving at 05:45 and back home around 19:00. He says he has felt queasy all night but hasn’t been sick or anything. It was also him dealing with the older one when she was poorly as I was downstairs with the baby.

It’s going to be such a hard day with both kids (we also have 2 dogs and 2 cats) but I understand he wouldn’t want to start off badly in his new role. I guess it’s just one day and the littlun was much better after about 16 hours. I am worried about symptoms starting in the baby, though, and life with two children is already tricky as among other reasons our kitchen is downstairs and bathroom
upstairs (doesn’t sound much but it is a lot of hassle up and down stairs, opening and closing baby gates, making sure the children are never left alone etc).

I am just wondering, would your husband still go out to work in this situation? I haven’t said anything but I was sort of hoping he wouldn’t- but I get why he is. Hope this makes sense!

OP posts:
SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/03/2023 08:36

It's his first day and there are so many reasons why people feel queasy - nerves about first day, acid reflux from dinner, sleep deprivation from being up at night looking after people. It may not be the bug you've had. Unless he was vomitting himself I'd expect him to go in. I know it sucks for you but for the day just do bare minimum.

OheeOheeOh · 13/03/2023 08:39

Yes he absolutely should go in, slightly different situation but my first day back from maternity leave our middle child had to be rushed into hospital the night before, I had to leave my husband to juggle the poorly child in hospital and the 2 other children as I didn't want to make a bad impression first day back. He should go in first day of a new role, you can manage just fine, leave a bowl downstairs. We only have an upstairs loo and have had sooo many sickness bugs in the space of 18 months (3 young children), we just get on with it, a bowl each right by you and crack on. It isn't nice looking after poorly kids when you are sick yourself but it's just part of parenting.

OheeOheeOh · 13/03/2023 08:48

MerryHen · 13/03/2023 06:30

I'm surprised at the number of people saying they'd go into work with possible D&V. If he's feeling queasy it sounds as though he could be coming down with the same bug. Norovirus cases are high at the moment. Hope you and your DC are feeling better soon OP.

People aren't saying go in when throwing up, they are saying they'd go in if just feeling "queasy". I find when there's a sickness bug in the house my husband and I will start saying "I'm not sure if I'm off or I'm just imagining it as I'm expecting to catch it". We've had a sickness bug in the house and not everyone has caught it, despite us looking after small children with it. I think like many people with young children we've had a ridiculous number of sickness bugs ever since schools returned fully Sept 2021. If we took time off everytime we had it in the house we'd have well over 10+ days off.

WelHong · 13/03/2023 08:50

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UnagiForLife · 13/03/2023 08:57

Yes horrible situation and I’ve been in similar. DH would go to work and I’d be on board with that and battle on. It would be hideous but it’s only one day.

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 13/03/2023 08:57

Yes he should go in. To be honest people can't just take time because of a queasy feeling. I'd never be in work if that's the case. He should go in and keep his distance just in case.

blebbleb · 13/03/2023 09:00

He should go in on his first day. If he gets worse he can always go home early.

Conkersinautumn · 13/03/2023 09:00

He'll be the proud owner of a team with a huge absence in a couple of days if he's going to be around them today.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 09:03

Any other day, not feeling queasy, is say he should stay home.

Any day he's been around d&v and feels sick, he should be calling in sick. He's gonna start his new job off passing around a nasty bug and has to get home puking and pooping.

LeaveThePlayer · 13/03/2023 09:06

I can't believe these answers telling OP to just power through. D&v bugs can be pretty violent, how is it safe for her to look after a toddler and a newborn on her own when she'll potentially be sick again or might have to spend long periods of time in the toilet? Not mentioning feeling weak and dizzy. Yet she's expecting to breastfeed and carry a newborn all day.
Ridiculous.

I know sometimes there's no choice (and I expect the people saying she just needs to power through have been in this situation and didn't have a choice, hence think it's normal and everyone should be a martyr), but in this case there is another adult who could look after them.

Especially as:
1 - it doesn't seem like missing work would endanger his job/career in any way (wfh is quite common where he works, it's the same company, he's been there a while so they presumably know him and know he wouldnt take the piss)
2 - he's potentially going to be infecting everyone and coming down with it himself while there

It's no wonder we have so many issues with MH, people being overworked and overwhelmed if the general advice is to not look after yourself in these situations.

OP I'm so sorry you're having a crappy day.

Wife2b · 13/03/2023 09:07

I can understand why he went in, doesn’t look good does it calling in sick on the first day. I’d give him a pass on this one.

Salverus · 13/03/2023 09:08

I think the vast majority of women have dealt with being ill and having to look after two small children. It's not great but unsafe? Fgs it's a miracle any of us survived.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 09:12

Salverus · 13/03/2023 09:08

I think the vast majority of women have dealt with being ill and having to look after two small children. It's not great but unsafe? Fgs it's a miracle any of us survived.

The two things aren't exclusive.

Many women have looked after a toddler and newborn whilst ill. That doesn't mean that it was particularly safe to do so, only that it was necessary.

If op has her head in the sink and her ass on the loo for long periods of time she's not exactly giving attentive care to the kids. If she's running in literal empty because she can't keep anything in she's more likely to feel woozy or tired, which isn't a great combination when she's breastfeeding a small baby.
If she's running up and down between changing two lots of poppy nappies, getting on the loo herself, keeping everyone hydrated and trying not to puke on a kid, she's likely to be more lax about the child hates etc and she'll may not be mentally with it.

So does she have to suck it up and do it? Yes.
Do we need to pretend this is everyone's normal day and we all got on with it with a spring in out step and freshly baked bread for tea? No.

PuttingDownRoots · 13/03/2023 09:16

Salverus · 13/03/2023 09:08

I think the vast majority of women have dealt with being ill and having to look after two small children. It's not great but unsafe? Fgs it's a miracle any of us survived.

Err... when I couldn't stand up without fainting or kept falling asleep for long periods of time I dint think it was safe for me to be looking after toddlers actually.

aSofaNearYou · 13/03/2023 09:18

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 13/03/2023 08:57

Yes he should go in. To be honest people can't just take time because of a queasy feeling. I'd never be in work if that's the case. He should go in and keep his distance just in case.

A queasy feeling out of nowhere is just a queasy feeling. But a queasy feeling when you've just spent the day caring for someone with D&V is a very clear sign he's coming down with it. He could easily just say he already has it, since it's pretty much guaranteed he's about to.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 09:20

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 13/03/2023 08:57

Yes he should go in. To be honest people can't just take time because of a queasy feeling. I'd never be in work if that's the case. He should go in and keep his distance just in case.

If you feel queasy every day, I hope you're seeing someone about that. For most people, esp when they're around a DV bug, being queasy is an for telling of what's to come 🤮

Original poster
Cantcookhavetocook · 13/03/2023 09:21

Yep that’s what I expected but needed to hear it. I am being pathetic!

Just to clarify our house is 3 floors so bedrooms and bathroom upstairs, living room and playroom (sounds fancy but both very small rooms) on the middle floor and kitchen/garden downstairs. I know it’s not a massive deal just makes things that bit more awkward having to lug the kids around up and down stairs, can’t really leave them on a different floor and especially not together as toddler is rough with the baby and needs supervising closely. As a PP said the pets add a bit of stress as they have to be watched with the kids and I have to make sure the dogs go out regularly and all of that, plus the hygiene side of it. The cats are indoor cats and get their litter and cat hair all over the kitchen surfaces which I can’t stand so I have to clean all the surfaces every time I go down there. I haven’t been able to train them out if this as they know they’re not allowed and so never ever do it in front of me for me to tell them off. I know it’s my choice to have them, they were rescues from overseas from before I had kids and for some reason I’ve become massively germphobic (maybe covid or anxiety/OCD) so I don’t cope as well with them as I used to. I have considered rehoming them so they can have a better life but rescues are inundated and this feels like a kop out, it will get easier as the kids get older. I do know all these things everyone is saying as a rational human being, I was just feeling very delicate at 4am and needed some sense talking into me! Thank you for all the responses! Oh and I asked my husband if he thought he should go in and risk passing it to others and he seemed fairly confident that wouldn’t be an issue. Not sure whether he’s planning to wear a mask etc. or being a bit cavalier 😬

OP posts:
Salverus · 13/03/2023 09:22

PuttingDownRoots · 13/03/2023 09:16

Err... when I couldn't stand up without fainting or kept falling asleep for long periods of time I dint think it was safe for me to be looking after toddlers actually.

Show quote history

OK well we are all different. I wouldn't dream of asking dh to stay at home on the first in house day of his job. OP hasn't mentioned fainting so I think she's good.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 13/03/2023 09:25

No if he is ill or contagious, he'll spread it to his Co workers.

CheshireCat1 · 13/03/2023 09:25

Sounds like Noravirus as it’s doing the rounds at the moment, it is highly contagious, he shouldn’t be going into work.

UnagiForLife · 13/03/2023 09:27

OP you’re not being pathetic at all, it’s such a horrible situation. If you don’t feel it’s safe for you to look after your baby and toddler i.e. your fainting, sleeping etc then I would say he needs to come home or you need to draft someone in to help you out. If it’s a case that you can battle on then only you and your husband can make that call but I can see why it’s a tough call to make.

My husband had to go on a work trip abroad for two days when I had a newborn and 2 year old and I was so ill I remember it was awful. Just camp out in your bedroom with lots of easy snacks and drinks and CBeebies/kids tube.

America12 · 13/03/2023 09:28

He shouldn't go nuts because of the risk of passing it on.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 13/03/2023 09:28

Of course he would have done, same way I would have if it was his day for kids and mine to work.

All your lists of reasons and excuses are fairly unimportant in the face of the first day at a new job. Flaking on that because “my wife’s sick” doesn’t make him look reliable or competent and unfortunately will be the thing people remember about him.

I’m not saying it’s not shit, and in an ideal world you’d have someone you could call to come and give you a hand, but most of us don’t and just have to get on with it.

Travelfan2021 · 13/03/2023 09:29

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ThreeblackCats · 13/03/2023 09:30

I’d go to work if it was my first day in a new job.
I wouldn’t be impressed if someone either rang in sick or said he/she was WFH on the first day.

Depends how much he wants to keep his job I guess.