Would you give MIL a second chance?

[Maynot]

I genuinely don't know how to feel about this as I'm shocked. For context, DH and I do not smack our DS(6). I am not here to debate that, only note that it is not how we are raising our son. This has never happened before and we are close with MIL, usually seeing her multiple times a week.

DS is autistic and when he gets overly excited he can be rough in play. When playing this morning he bit MIL. MIL then hit him hard on the back and shouted at him that he should not bite. This obviously frightened him. We tried to explain why to him we don't bite/do our usual discipline but he was inconsolable. He kept hiding behind me and asking to go home.

When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it. He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

DH told me this when we got home and we are both shocked and disgusted. We sat DS down and told him that is was wrong to bite his Grandma but it was also wrong for Grandma to hit him. And that if anybody ever hits him again to tell us right away.

DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will "discipline as she sees fit". Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?

What a difficult situation. You are definitely not overreacting and I, like you, never hit our DC, not even as an instant reaction.
MIL can discipline as she sees fit but she wouldn’t be doing it with my DC.

DH needs to explain if she wants to continue seeing your DS then she must follow your way of parenting with regards to hitting.

Well he isn’t her child to discipline as she sees fit!!! Can you DH sit her down when the whole thing is less on the boil and talk to her?

Awful. I get the default response to lash out in anger if DS hurt her, tho I hope I wouldn't do that myself, but not her response. I'm not sure I'd have left when she said that though- would've been more laying down the law that DS is not her child and it's not up to her to have any input on his discipline

I totally agree that she shouldn't have done that.

I would let the dust settle for a week or two. Let her think it through over time. She may be being a bit stubborn and actually, when she's processed the situation, will realise she shouldn't have done it.

Being physically hurt can be triggering but even if she did it unintentionally, like you say, her lack of apology and her indignation that she'll discipline him how she likes is worrying.

I think I'd create some space and see how your son and his grandma feel in time.

What are the odds of him physically hurting her again? If it's high then I think you need to sit with her to agree a planned response maybe.

Sorry if I’m not understanding, were you there when he bit her? Did she see you discipline him or did she lash out before you had a chance?
I don’t know if I’d forgive it tbh.
If she had said she lashed out but was really sorry, if keep my distance but move on to a degree. Saying what she has, I’d be keeping my child away.

Does she provide you with any sort of childcare? Is that why you're concerned?

DH hopefully has told his mum about not seeing her if there’s a repeat?

I think you're using language a bit creatively here. 'Rough in play?' He BIT her ffs. Perhaps you should be focusing more on that part than her reaction. Being bitten is incredibly painful and shouldn't be glossed over as him 'just playing'.

This is easily solved. Just don’t let her look after your son unsupervised.

I don’t think you should cut her off. That is going too far. She is your husband’s mother and the grandmother of your kids. If she’s otherwise a good GP then, I think you can still work at trying to persuade her not to do it. Your son has special needs so hitting him won’t actually stop him doing it anyway.

you probably need to explain to her that she cant hit your kids and if she can’t agree to your house rules she isn’t welcome.

that way, it would be her cutting you off, not the other way around.

He’s 6 and has autism. They are absolutely right to focus on the reaction of the adult woman who hit a small child. There is no excuse whatsoever for smacking.

I’m so sorry that this is something you have to deal with, it must be really awful. If it was me on your situation, I’d feel very uncomfortable letting my MIL anywhere near my DS, especially after hearing the “discipline as I see fit” remark. What’s your gut reaction, cos mine would be to stay away?

First time I read this I thought that "discipline as I see fit" related to the hitting after being bitten (for the record, I don't think your approach is working - biting is wholly unacceptable). It reads to me that she probably meant the shouting not to bite as disciplining how she sees fit.

A child should, I think, understand that their actions have consequences and if your normal discipline isn't working and you consider biting 'rough play' then I can understand the frustration with your discipline style.

That said, if she shouted before you had an opportunity to discipline then you have a point. She needs to give you an opportunity to discipline your way first. Although it sounds like that isn't working.

There is no excuse for hitting a6 year old child with extra needs and being utterly unrepentant about it.

And no-one except DH and I would be “disciplining our children as they see fit”.

If she doesn’t back down her stance I’d be seeing her in very limited time frames and environments.

Nobody should be openly saying “I’ll do it again if I feel justified” when it comes to belting a child and that’s basically what she’s saying

Perfectly aware of that. But there is a limit to how much other people should have to tolerate being bitten. I'm not saying MIL should have hit him. I'm saying OP seems remarkably blasé about the fact in the original post.

And he's autistic FFS. She is a grown woman who chose to hit a 6 year old autistic boy.

Honestly OP if my MIL had done that with either of my DSes (one neurodiverse, one neurotypical) then she'd not have seen them unsupervised again. And she'd have been told she doesn't get to discipline children that are not hers.

Luckily my MIL didn't think that hitting a 6 year old autistic child was an acceptable way of behaving.

Is smacking not illegal in the rest of the UK yet? Was your DH smacked as a child?

And what’s the excuse for an adult assaulting a small child?

Because that’s what she did.

She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

Not someone else’s child she can’t. If she had instantly regretted what she did and apologised and promising she’d never do it again, I’d try and get past it and move on. But she’s not doing that. Your child is 6 and due to his additional needs is even more vulnerable. He needs you as his parents to fight his corner even more. I wouldn’t be leaving my child with someone who couldn’t be trusted to not harm them, and I wouldn’t trust your MIL given her above comment.

Fairly sure that because you haven’t consented, it’s actually illegal and would be considered assault. I know this because my ex MIL smacked my DS (not as hard from the sounds of it) and it ended up with CAFCASS recommending supervised access for her. You’re not allowed to hit other people’s kids, grandparent or not. And mental that she has argued about it!
tgeres a great book by Terry apter on MIL dynamics called what do you want from me. The reasons paternal grandmother is behave like this can be complicated, it’s not the same set of forces in play to what a maternal grandmother has to deal with great that you and your husband are united about this, it’s very important. This stuff can be very toxic! Good luck and stand your ground (and get DH to do the talking!)

Autistic children often don't have the emotional capability to understand action=consequence as early as neurotypical children. At 6 my DS would have gotten excited during play and sometimes acted really impulsively - he'd not even remember the act of a bite for example. So it's not that the OP's way of disciplining isn't working, it's likely that it isn't working YET^^ and that her DS needs more time than a typical child to understand.

Well she never has ds unsupervised.. And tbh will ds even want to be near her?
She isn't sorry.
And isn't to be trusted.

Was it a shock reaction to being bitten or was it definitely a pushment smack? If it was the former I would give her another chance, a bite from a child that age I imagine would be painful. If she was just smacking because that's her default punishment I would not forgive her.

Yes. That’s exactly what it means when people say that physically assaulting a 6 year old child means…