Would you give MIL a second chance?

[Maynot]

I genuinely don't know how to feel about this as I'm shocked. For context, DH and I do not smack our DS(6). I am not here to debate that, only note that it is not how we are raising our son. This has never happened before and we are close with MIL, usually seeing her multiple times a week.

DS is autistic and when he gets overly excited he can be rough in play. When playing this morning he bit MIL. MIL then hit him hard on the back and shouted at him that he should not bite. This obviously frightened him. We tried to explain why to him we don't bite/do our usual discipline but he was inconsolable. He kept hiding behind me and asking to go home.

When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it. He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

DH told me this when we got home and we are both shocked and disgusted. We sat DS down and told him that is was wrong to bite his Grandma but it was also wrong for Grandma to hit him. And that if anybody ever hits him again to tell us right away.

DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will "discipline as she sees fit". Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?

I would drastically cut back on contact with her. First of all, she didn’t discipline like she claims, she reacted in shock very aggressively. Secondly, she says she’d do the same again. Thirdly, she appears not to understand him and his triggers so will happily set him off but not be willing to accept the consequences.
I would not want to risk her lashing out at him again.

As an autistic adult I disagree. Dump grandma and protect the kid. Autistic people? It's easier to traumitize us than a neurotypical. This one incident alone could have created long term behavior issues they won't even notice until he's older and has weird reactive episodes to stimuli that remind him of this incident.

Grandma thinks the kids behavior needs discipline alone, she's not seeing it as a symptom of overstimulation that needs support and practice to overcome.

All mom needs to do is run to the bathroom and grandma can pinch him discreetly without leaving a mark and claim ignorance. It happens more than not to us before we can communicate effectively.

You don't seem to be talking about autistic children, so this isn't that well informed here. Autism is a spectrum so blanket rules about biting bring "unacceptable" are silly when we know biting is a sign of overstimulation in young autistic children. We also know autistic children are often on a delayed timelines for development, do holding them to standards for neurotypicals is like burying your head in the sand and asking why it is dark.