Would you give MIL a second chance?

[Maynot]

I genuinely don't know how to feel about this as I'm shocked. For context, DH and I do not smack our DS(6). I am not here to debate that, only note that it is not how we are raising our son. This has never happened before and we are close with MIL, usually seeing her multiple times a week.

DS is autistic and when he gets overly excited he can be rough in play. When playing this morning he bit MIL. MIL then hit him hard on the back and shouted at him that he should not bite. This obviously frightened him. We tried to explain why to him we don't bite/do our usual discipline but he was inconsolable. He kept hiding behind me and asking to go home.

When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it. He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

DH told me this when we got home and we are both shocked and disgusted. We sat DS down and told him that is was wrong to bite his Grandma but it was also wrong for Grandma to hit him. And that if anybody ever hits him again to tell us right away.

DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will "discipline as she sees fit". Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?

So sorry, I wouldn't be happy for her to look after my child. Was your husband hit as a child? I was beaten badly as a kid, and was determined never to do it to my children.

Oh give over. This all happened in a moment of emotional reaction. Biting is incredibly painful and she is of the generation that would think he’ll only know the pain of that if he experienced it himself. I know biting is ‘normal’ but it is not desirable behaviour and it should be discouraged and disciplined. Yes, even in children with ASD.

I think that even if your son has autism, the biting isn’t acceptable. However, she absolutely should not have hit him and there would be no second chance whatsoever if it were my child.

I don't think she's legally allowed to 'discipline as she sees fit'. It's my understanding that parents are allowed to smack within reason (not sure how it's worded in law) but this doesn't extend to grandparents.

I wouldn't cut her off completely but I wouldn't leave my child alone with her for the forseeable future either. Just visit her together as a family so you can be there when she spends time with your son.

Autism is a spectrum and without knowing your child I don't think it's fair to judge the biting on such little information about him, but if you think he's capable of learning not to bite then I would 100% be on that as a parent. A sticker chart worked for my son (also neuro-diverse), he kept running off so I rewarded him at the end of the week if he got a sticker every day for walking nicely. Might not work at all for your child with the biting but just an idea in case yours is also very motivated by material things!

@UWhatNow well were I am you would be prosecuted. Guess I am as reasonable as our law. I really despair at the minimizing of assault on a child.

I bet he doesn’t bite her again. He’ll save that for you.

I think the law has bigger fish to fry quite frankly.

But, the actual issue is you have a child that bites. You should be focussing on that, not the measures the people he bites can/can not take.

It's not an either/or. She can focus on both.

I've had some shocking bites from pupils, I've had pupils bite other pupils, and I've had pupils bite themselves. It's a really difficult thing to stop, especially where the autism is more severe. I can absolutely understand a grand parent hitting before they've even registered what they're doing. But while they continue to discourage the behaviour, OP and her DH still have the right to focus on how they need other people to manage their son.

It's extremely difficult to people to get their heads round the behaviour management for some autistic children. It goes against the grain for many people, but it works. This is why courses for extended family members are so importan, so they can understand why the child behaves the way he does, and why these strategies work.

Why give her another chance? Why is your husband saying it’s ok for her to hit him twice? Once was enough.

The only advice I can give is to go no contact. Not even supervised contact with her. She had her chance and she blew it. Don’t give an abuser access to your child.

It doesn't help the child to have family relationships ripped apart.

In this instance GM seems to have reacted in shock. She absolutely shouldn't be unsupervised with the child, because she doesnt understandhim and can't be trsusted not to do it again. But she's not necessarily irredeemable.

I haven't read the full thread. But in my book everyone gets another chance. We all fuck up. Life is way too short

I have an autistic DS, I have never left him alone with either of our parents as I know they have smacked our nieces. No second chance and never leave him with her unsupervised again. Violence towards a child (neurodiverse or not) is never acceptable. Ever.

No I would not give her another chance! What another chance to git him again? Since she never apologised abd said she "will discipline as she sees fit" she is basically saying she will do it again. He is not her child to discipline and she has no right to smack him!

No I would not give her another chance to what? Hit him again? Since she never apologised and said she "will discipline as she sees fit" she is basically saying she will do it again. He is not her child to discipline and she has no right to smack him! And I wouldn't put your son at risk of being hurt again!

Also my son bit my mil before and she never hit him!

I think most people would automatically hit out as an instant reaction to being bit. Obvs your MIL can’t hit your child going forward but your husband shouldn’t go in all guns blazing either. Let the dust settle on it all for a few days. Your son being upset is difficult I know and feelings are high. The biting needs to be dealt with as a matter of urgency though because if he does it to another child they could very well hit him again and he seems to have been extremely upset by that. I understand he is autistic but sounds like he is quite high functioning. I think you need to focus on the biting first and see how the land lies with the granny later. She may not be that keen to have him alone again if he is still biting and she feels like she will be tested on her response, hitting though obvs needs to be ruled out.

I think you were both wrong. She was certainly wrong to hit him, however you allowed your child to bite someone when you knew that he bites. Skin becomes thinner as we age, and the immune system also doesn't work as well as we get older. If he had broken her skin it could cause an infection.

No, I would not. No second chances when a grown person hits a child.
I would not make my child be around someone who hit them.

She was definitely wrong to hit him but also, depending on his age, I wouldn't look after a biting child.

So many threads about hitting and smacking children in the last few days. What's going on?

Stop your child biting - it hurts and one day he'll bite someone that really will give him a thump.

My bet is that he won't bite granny again. Children soon learn.🙄

that she can never be left with your son unsupervised again is obvious. That she hit a child and then defended the action means you should not trust her unsupervised ever again.

If she had profusely apologized and legitimately felt horrible about her reaction, it would be different. A knee-jerk response to pain or fear sometimes can’t be controlled, but the reaction in the aftermath tells you it wasn’t a mistake.

the only question under consideration is if she can be trusted with you present. She hit a child with witnesses. Are you going to make sure that she never gets within arms length of your son again?

I have a parent that I have had to set rules with regards to access to my child. I understand what this can mean for a relationship and for a family. It isn’t easy.

your job as a parent is to make sure that as long as your child is still a child, they never experiences the fear that comes from being on the receiving end of violence from someone who is supposed to love them.

Biting a person, and an old person at that, is very unsociable and I can see why Granny was shocked, in pain and hit out in defence, though it was not the correct response.
Her statement about parenting perhaps reflects her still recovering from the attack. Hearing of her inability to cope with DS should he misbehave again would prompt me to not have MIL care for DS alone until you can be certain of DS behaving gently and with respect.
I would not stop contact nor threaten to do so because that would be hurtful and unproductive to all.
Educate MIL and other family members about DS and his needs. Give them proper direction, expectations etc. so that they are better prepared. If DS bites another family member - say a toddler - one would expect that a youngster would retalitate enough to escape and protect themselves. Adults should be able to be civil and kind and read your son's behaviour more and more as they get to know him.

When do they learn? When someone else is injured?

I've been bitten whilst working in SEN and I've also been kicked and spat at etc. We are trained to deal with this behaviour and de escalate. Many grandmas are not.
I have had several blood clots in one calf and it's been kicked a few times causing me a lot of pain. I'm always aware of it and often subconsciously 'protect' that leg if that makes sense.
Grandma could also be on warfarin or other medication where a bite could have serious consequences.
I think she was shocked. Shocked physically at being bitten and shocked at not having an apology or the parents stepping in to give one or making sure she was OK as well.

She should not have hit the child but I do think her defensive reaction could be expected and she probably feels like terrible granny now and frankly I wouldn't feel safe being left alone with the child at her age unless I'd had some training or advice on managing their behaviour. Have you explained to her that he bites and what to do in that scenario before?