Would you give MIL a second chance?

[Maynot]

I genuinely don't know how to feel about this as I'm shocked. For context, DH and I do not smack our DS(6). I am not here to debate that, only note that it is not how we are raising our son. This has never happened before and we are close with MIL, usually seeing her multiple times a week.

DS is autistic and when he gets overly excited he can be rough in play. When playing this morning he bit MIL. MIL then hit him hard on the back and shouted at him that he should not bite. This obviously frightened him. We tried to explain why to him we don't bite/do our usual discipline but he was inconsolable. He kept hiding behind me and asking to go home.

When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it. He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

DH told me this when we got home and we are both shocked and disgusted. We sat DS down and told him that is was wrong to bite his Grandma but it was also wrong for Grandma to hit him. And that if anybody ever hits him again to tell us right away.

DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will "discipline as she sees fit". Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?

@mybabiesaremylife82 if I knew where you worked I would report you

You are frankly terrifying

And I pity the poor children in your care

I'll raise you forty years in special education with a multitude of experience and training in autism and other disorders.
And of course a vast amount of experience in management of multiple behaviours that are unacceptable in society

I've had parents sob on my shoulder about the effects of their children's sensory selling behaviours such as biting, pinching and projectile spitting. Family and friends desert them or fall out with them, everyone goes out of their way to avoid them, siblings are hurt and distressed. Those parents are isolated and DESPERATE to find an answer. Meanwhile their children, because of their issues with social cues etc, are oblivious to the effect of their habit.

I'm absolutely appalled that someone like you cannot get your head around how this small non verbal child with autism sees the world, and that you react, even after the fact, with such venom.

@mybabiesaremylife82 It is genuinely frightening that you work with young children, especially those with SEN. Even if all of what you are saying was 100% true (which is isn't) the clear resentment you have for a 3 year old is alarming. A 3 year old who you admit is low functioning and non verbal. I am very thankful that the teachers at DSs school are nothing like you.

Some autistic children do have the capability to understand the effects of their actions, others do not. DS does to an extent, and has come along leaps and bounds in the past 2 years. No, he's not got it all figured out yet but it's not something he is going to learn overnight. Consistency is key, especially with autism.

@mybabiesaremylife82

If what you are saying is true, it's even more depressing than the people advocating hitting and biting small children, and I'm too tired to go into what I think of them. What an utter waste of a career.

Dear Maynot, there is so much squabbling at this point, I had to go back and re-read your original post for refresher. (I apologize for previously mentioning grandma's slap. I was wrong - it was a hit on the back.)

You said you told your son he was wrong for biting her and she was wrong for hitting him. That's true. I admit I don't know much about autism and my heart goes out to all of you, but do you think it would help to instead tell him that when he bites someone, he now knows that they may hit him and hurt him because he hurt them. Maybe he will see the connection.

You must have missed the part where she explained he has autism

Not sensible because he needs to know it is wrong to hurt other people in any circumstance.
I think a few adults without autism need to learn this too tbh

I don't believe it's a grandparent's job to discipline children. That should be left up to the parents. If the GPs don't agree they can bite their tongue or limit contact if they don't agree with your parenting methods (not ideal). Grandparents' job is to have fun with the children and try to have a lovely time.

Yeah we get it, you have a grudge against a three year old.

No one seems to be properly addressing how we protect the innocent children who face being really hurt every day in a place where they're supposed to be safe and protected.
Vicious attacks no matter how brief have psychological consequences, long after the bruises & pain have gone, for any child, especially the very young. We all remember clearly any bullying from our childhood for a reason.

Everyone concerned will be trying to protect them. But unless the biter is muzzled, it can't be guaranteed.

It's horrible for other children to be bitten, and I'd be add upset about it as most parents. But we can't lock these children away like they did when I was a child.

Given the proper help and consistently delivered behaviour plans, the biting can be stopped, which then means the other children are protected. It takes a while though, and we supervise the biter and protect the others as far as humanly possible. In my class, whenever possible, there was always an adult seated between any prolific biter and other children.
In a free flow nursery that's a lot harder though, I accept.

By MILs logic (if she stands by her actions) you can hit her in the back to discipline her for what she did to your DS.
Im sure she’d think you were out of order if you did.

Other circumstances may sometimes apply, but in this circumstance, we were talking about biting.

I may not know much about autism, but reading some of this, I'm starting to understand why so many other kids are so screwed up these days.

I may not know much about autism

Yeah clearly.

What do you mean by "other kids?" Or "screwed up" for that matter?

Please take note that I said so many, not all, as there are still some great kids out there. But... rudeness, backtalk, entitlement, foul language, drugs, suicide, bullying are all out there, too, and in far, far greater numbers than my youth. Sad.

I hear the anger and the rudeness and some of the advice in some of these responses from, I assume, parents, and even those who claim to be an expert in child mentality, and think no wonder.

It must be difficult raising children in today's world. There's so much to have, and they either have it all or, the other side of the coin, have little of it. Some kids are told no, often with a backhand, and others are never told no. It keeps them quiet and out of parents hair rather than having to deal with them, and they don't have, or don't want to take, the time to deal with it.

Those famous last words, in my day, many families had 5, 6, 8, kids and they all usually grew up to be reasonably decent and caring young adults with commonsense and empathy and decent values. These days, so many families have one or two, and they can't handle it. Oh, they think they are, but when you see the finished product a few years later when sometimes it's your kid that's the bully or on drugs, maybe they didn't do so hot.

Just my opinion and observations, but, you asked, I answered.

One more thing. Many of the parents in this thread will think that their kids are in the still great category when others around them think their kids are little monsters, and they're not even autistic.

If your child runs wild in someone else's home or screams when it doesn't get it's way or ignores your parental warnings, you've screwed up.

Many of the parents in this thread will think that their kids are in the still great category when others around them think their kids are little monsters, and they're not even autistic.

That's amazing. What are this week's lottery numbers going to be? What else can you do?

See... your response was to immediately take offense and say something oh so clever, and your children are learning from you.

Lottery numbers, no, but I do read, listen and see. You should try it. Shootings, drugs, bullying, bullying so bad sometimes it leads to suicide... this mentality didn't just suddenly appear; it began long before it got to that point.

No, my response was to make fun of you for claiming you know all about other posters when all you're doing is making up bollocks to suit yourself.

You had me at you not knowing anything about autism.

Would you give her a second chance? - You might not need to. It's interesting how you are keeping the ball in your court and making the decisions when she may well have already decided to not want to be alone with him again

This. Being bitten is an awful and shocking experience.

Many posters have excellent advice or are at least attempting to help Maynot through this situation, and I, in no way, was critical of them.

I went back and read all of your posts. You sound like a very angry person who believes no one knows better than you do. That's bollocks. If I felt like interacting with you more, which I don't because you're more critical than constructive, I would wonder what made you this way. But... keep your secrets.

To Maynot, I hope that in time, things will improve within your family, including grandma. You've received many stable suggestions in this thread, and a final word I might add is to be firm but not harsh, which I'm sure you know, and you already mentioned consistency. One curiosity - you said he said he wanted to go, if I remember correctly, so he is conversant. Did you ever ask him why he bit grandma? And as I mentioned before, he's now had a taste of what could happen when he bites and he didn't like it. Maybe he'll figure that out in time.

Yeah OK, I'm ND myself with two ND children too.

I didn't say she should have hit him. I said you can't gloss over biting.

You had me at you knowing nothing about autism.

By page 9, an awful lot of concentration is on the bite and children who do it. You said he plays rough when he's excited, but did he ever bite anyone before? If there's a history, by 6 yo, grandma should have been aware of it and cautious. If it was a first, what transpired immediately before the bite?

As an autistic person I promise having a relationship with "grandma" just isn't that important.

One instance like this can be enough to create ptsd like symptoms that last forever. Don't put his life, stability, and health at risk to

keep peace while he is harmed. Anyone telling uou to educate her and supervise doesn't understand how abusive these kinds of ppl are the moment you run to the bathroom.

She cannot accept autistic behavior as normal and believes it should be disciplined with violence.

You might be able to work with that, but your autistic child should NEVER have to. She is the kind of person qe need protection from.