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Original poster

Would you give MIL a second chance?

228 replies

Maynot · 12/03/2023 21:13

I genuinely don't know how to feel about this as I'm shocked. For context, DH and I do not smack our DS(6). I am not here to debate that, only note that it is not how we are raising our son. This has never happened before and we are close with MIL, usually seeing her multiple times a week.

DS is autistic and when he gets overly excited he can be rough in play. When playing this morning he bit MIL. MIL then hit him hard on the back and shouted at him that he should not bite. This obviously frightened him. We tried to explain why to him we don't bite/do our usual discipline but he was inconsolable. He kept hiding behind me and asking to go home.

When I went to help DS get ready to leave, DH called her out on it. He said that he understood that it may have been an old habit/instant reaction, however we do not hit DS and to please never do that again. She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

DH told me this when we got home and we are both shocked and disgusted. We sat DS down and told him that is was wrong to bite his Grandma but it was also wrong for Grandma to hit him. And that if anybody ever hits him again to tell us right away.

DH has said that if it ever happens again that it will be the last time she sees us, however I now feel very uncomfortable. I would maybe agree if she'd apologised however it feels like a looming threat that she will "discipline as she sees fit". Am I overreacting? Would you give her a second chance?

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 13/03/2023 07:57

Mil is probably pretty upset that she got bitten and feeling offended that you didn't apologise and make sure she was ok.

Yes we don't hit children any more but most people of mils age would have had a snack if they bit grandma.

I would sit down with her once things have calmed down, ask if she is ok after the bite, say you are sorry she got bitten, explain your approach to discipline and ask for her support. Chances are she will be only too happy to offer her support. If not then you can lay down the law more firmly.

MyGreenBedspread · 13/03/2023 08:00

@Maynot my father in law threatened to slap my autistic child when he was just being autistic- I told him to leave and he has not been invited back, and neither have we visited him. Hello on the doorstep is the closest the in laws get now. I absolutely will not tolerate fear and violence.

Coxspurplepippin · 13/03/2023 08:07

Think I could get over the reaction to being bitten, but not the comments after. Your DH seems to be on the same page.

Greenfairydust · 13/03/2023 08:08

''She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.''

I think that is the crucial point for me.

She is not respecting your wishes and sees nothing wrong with hitting a child with special needs.

If it was me, she would never see that child again.

It would be different if someone had reacted in this way out of instinct/fear and had immediately apologised and been mortified about it.

You cannot trust that woman.

Climbles · 13/03/2023 08:11

ProtestantsHateAbba · 12/03/2023 21:49

She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.

Not someone else’s child she can’t. If she had instantly regretted what she did and apologised and promising she’d never do it again, I’d try and get past it and move on. But she’s not doing that. Your child is 6 and due to his additional needs is even more vulnerable. He needs you as his parents to fight his corner even more. I wouldn’t be leaving my child with someone who couldn’t be trusted to not harm them, and I wouldn’t trust your MIL given her above comment.

This ^

Teateaandmoretea · 13/03/2023 08:11

There is quite a lot of confusion on this thread. The parents were present when this happened. Clearly she can’t look after him on her own as she isn’t going to cope with his behaviour.

The obvious way forward to me is to ensure if possible he doesn’t bite her again while being clear you and DH are in charge of the discipline not her. If the biting is a phase maybe avoid her until it’s improved. It’s hard without knowing the details.

Letting the dust settle is always good advice.

Greenfairydust · 13/03/2023 08:13

@SwordToFlamethrower

''If someone bit me i would hit them back. Consequences!''

What a pathetic comment. That ''someone'' is a 6 year old with autism.

You are the adult. It is up to you to defuse the situation not to take it out on a vulnerable child.

MyGreenBedspread · 13/03/2023 08:21

@SwordToFlamethrower what an ignorant load of bollocks.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/03/2023 08:22

No way would I give her another chance. In fact I'd go no contact with her. You need to protect your child.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/03/2023 08:35

Can I ask (because I can't see where it has been mentioned, if at all) where were you and your DH when your son was "rough playing" by biting his grandmother? Were you even in the room when it was happening?
Did he break her skin/draw blood?

You say that your son is autistic but can you clarify where your son is on the spectrum?

I think a full round of apologies - yes, even from your son to his granny, is required here. He needs to start the apologies though. If he hadn't bit her, she wouldn't have lashed out.

I cannot comprehend the number of responses saying that they would go NC with her over one incident. Yes it was an extreme reaction but it was a reaction to being bitten. If you have left your son in her care in the past, did he feel unsafe then? Do you know of any events that may have happened in the past that she felt the need to discipline as she saw fit at that stage? I think you're reading a lot into that phrase considering it was said after she had been bitten by her grandson.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/03/2023 08:36

Greenfairydust · 13/03/2023 08:13

@SwordToFlamethrower

''If someone bit me i would hit them back. Consequences!''

What a pathetic comment. That ''someone'' is a 6 year old with autism.

You are the adult. It is up to you to defuse the situation not to take it out on a vulnerable child.

The defusing of the situation should have been done by the parents. Where were they?

SabbatWheel · 13/03/2023 08:36

I would be distancing myself from a GC that was ‘going through a biting phase when overexcited’ to be honest, until things had calmed down a bit. I wouldn’t be allowing a child to ramp up play to such an extent that it became ‘rough’ with an adult, autistic or not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2023 08:39

Having autism doesn't mean you can't be a badly behaved child, with parents who just excuse you for everything.

Biting anyone is inexcusable.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 13/03/2023 08:41

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2023 07:46

"Ds very rarely bites, but when he does it's when he's over excited and playing not when angry or having a meltdown"
You and your DH were present, did you not notice him getting over-excited, or did it happen too fast? Was your MIL aware he bites in these circumstances? When he bit her, did either of you apologise to her, or in some way acknowledge her shock and pain? You don't mention it in your posts, but I'm hoping you did. If you didn't acknowledge her shock and pain, it could account for her 'discipline as she sees fit' comment, because she was angry with the pair of you.

It's all very well being "shocked and disgusted" at her for her action, but I think you need to think about her being shocked and angry at you and her son for your inaction. You have a child who you know bites, you should have been aware the circumstances which prompt him to bite were happening, and taken steps to prevent him tipping over into being over-excited. You owe that to the people within biting range.

Step back, calm down, acknowledge her feelings and think about the future. Do you really want your son to have no relationship with his grandmother? Personally I don't think he should be with her without supervision from you, DH or both of you - for both their sakes. And I do mean supervision, not just presence. You need to manage his excitement levels, and prevent the biting as best you can.

This!

You, as his parents, just sat there.

You know he bites. You know it's when he gets excitable. You watched it all happen, you did absolutely nothing. Your son attacked her.

Then, when she's hit him on the back to get him off her, in shock and pain, you're having a go at her? This is actually not DS or MIL fault, but yours, as his parents.

''She said that we can parent how we want, but she will discipline as she sees fit.''

This isn't her saying she wants to beat her grandson fgs, this is her in utter shock that you did nothing, let her get bitten, then reprimanded her for actually dealing with your child, while you just sat there. She's saying, you might think it's ok for him to bite me and as his parents, do nothing at all, however I don't find that acceptable.

fUNNYfACE36 · 13/03/2023 08:45

Your kid bit her ! He is six , not a toddler.i think you need to focus on sorting your kid out first.You are no great shakes when it comes to parenting either.

LAMPS1 · 13/03/2023 08:46

From what you have said OP, it seems that MIL lashed out spontaneously as a way of stopping the biting …a sort of adrenaline reaction, rather than a well thought out discipline action. So I think you are right to consider that as a strong possibility.
Sometimes, when confronted with something you are still feeling bad or confused about, you become defensive but given time to think properly, MIL may well come to realise herself, that she was wrong to react so violently.
And of course, very wrong to issue the threat that she will discipline your DS as she sees fit without regard to your own wishes.
It will be much more reassuring to you if she comes to the right conclusion herself with a sincere apology. So yes, I would give her a chance to do that.

If she doesn’t change her stance on her discipline approach then of course you must always do what you can to protect your DS.

saraclara · 13/03/2023 08:57

I just want to clarify here, how quickly bites happen. It's not like watching a child about to run and hit someone.

As a teacher I've had several autistic children on behaviour plans for biting. I and my team of TAs were as on the ball as anyone could be. We worked in a special school with a 1:2 (or 3 at most) staff child ratio. But I've literally been holding a child's hand, abd as someone walked past then they've turned their head and bitten them in a spilt second.

Of course OP hasn't confirmed the level of her son's autism, but there's some spectacular ignorance on this thread about autism and about how much patents can practically do to prevent biting from happening in the short term.

Working with parents we managed to conquer it with most of our pupils, but it's a long road.

Original poster
Maynot · 13/03/2023 08:58

I don't know where people got the impression that a) we don't care if DS bites because he is autistic, or b) that we didn't apologise or acknowledge MILs pain.

MIL was encouraging DSs playing. He can become over excited very fast (she is fully aware of this) and honestly it all happened in a few moments. We of course know that biting is never acceptable and we both apologised, as well as DS multiple times.

We are actively working on DS hurting others and he has made a huge improvement in the past few years. However incidents like this do happen occasionally and we need to be able to discipline consistently.

Both DH and I were hit as punishment growing up. Frightening children into submission teaches them nothing other than you are an unsafe person.

OP posts:
Almostwelsh · 13/03/2023 08:58

My daughter bit me once on the leg as a toddler. It drew blood even though I was wearing jeans and she didn't let go. It was so incredibly painful my automatic reaction was to smack her bottom. The shock of this did make her let go. It wasn't done as discipline, more as self defence. If someone had then lectured me about it I imagine I would have become very defensive. You need to bear in mind that if you don't stop this behaviour, one day someone will do more than just smack him if he bites them.

B0g · 13/03/2023 09:04

Shouldn’t even be a matter to ponder. Obviously do not inflict the woman on your kid again. If someone assaulted your child and openly said she will assault him again, you do not make your kid be anywhere near her again. Surely? I don’t understand the dilemma.

Original poster
Maynot · 13/03/2023 09:06

We also did not confront MIL infront of DS or make a big deal about the hit in the moment. Because in that moment we were trying to teach that it is not okay to bite. We weren't undermining her or acting as if DS was innocent because he very much wasn't. It was only raised once myself and DS has left the room, and only discussed with DS when we weren't with MIL.

OP posts:
B0g · 13/03/2023 09:07

And both sets of grandparents are repeat child attackers, seeing your last post. You know these people are not safe and should not have access to your kid.

Hoppinggreen · 13/03/2023 09:07

If she had apologised, acknowledged she was wrong and promised not to do it again I would probably just write it off as a reaction to being hurt and move on.
However, the fact that she doesn’t see an issue with it and suggests she would do the same again would mean no second chance from me

MyGreenBedspread · 13/03/2023 09:17

The people saying @Maynot shouldnt have allowed him to get worked up clearly don’t have experience with adults who wind kids up! My sons grandma is ALWAYS on top note- sing song voice, grabbing my son and lifting him up to spin around, cuddling him and shaking him, talks a mile a minute at the top of her voice and doesn’t listen to him. She can keep this up all afternoon.

My son adores her so I don’t want to interfere too much but the number of times it has ended in him in tears and her feeling bad is massive. He is autistic- he processes slowly, reacts to noise and movement etc. HE isn’t ‘playing rough’ he is being wound up.

MyGreenBedspread · 13/03/2023 09:19

And if he was a biter as some autistic children are I can totally see him biting her.

She would never hit him though! She is self aware enough to realise after the fact that she is being too much.